Infertility

Real Comfort Food

A child prays.Heidi invited me to feast on the Word, specifically on this:

[T]he surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil (2 Corinthians 4:7-5:10 ESV).

Thank you, Heidi.

Isaac Pleaded

In my selfishness, I forget that my husband bears the cross of barrenness, too. I forget that my empty womb is a cross that he also shares.

Isaac also experienced the same cross. He and his wife Rebekah did not have any children. His father Abraham had been told that he would be the father of nations. Isaac knew that this meant his family would need to have descendants. Thus, Isaac took his concern to the Lord. As a loving spouse, he pleaded to God for his wife because they were barren.

Genesis 25:19-21

New King James Version (NKJV)

19 This is the genealogy of Isaac, Abraham’s son. Abraham begot Isaac. 20 Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah as wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Syrian. 21 Now Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived.

God heard Jacob’s prayer. Only by His grace and mercy, God granted twins to Rebekah and Jacob.

May we be so bold as to always take our concerns to our Father in heaven. May we also thank God for our spouses, who share the cross of barrenness with us.

Womb to Tomb

00-virgin-with-the-dead-christ-rc3b6ttgen-pietc3a0-rhineland-ger-ca-1300-25-1Miscarriage is a cruel betrayal of the body.

It’s a double-crossing rat.

It turns safe houses into torture chambers, mothers into hearses, wombs into tombs.

There is no earthly swindle so low as when that which is designed to keep and shield and warm and nurture turns on the most vulnerable of our loves.

There is no hour so long as when a mother watches her own flesh fail her own child.

There is no wail so loud.

No groan so deep.

No despair so close.

As that of a childless mother.

Except for one.

There is the wail from the cross. There is the groan and despair of our LORD as He took our wretched failings and miscarriages upon Himself and endured the ultimate horror, separation from the Father, so that we might never have to.

You see, He died to save us from the worst. He wailed and groaned and despaired and died that we might never be alone in our grief, that we might never have to live apart from Him, that we might have hope even in the face of death.

And He freely offers up his own crucified, risen flesh for us today in the bread and in the wine that we might be kept and shielded and warmed and nurtured in Him unto eternal life.

Go, mother. Go to the altar in your grief and be nurtured by Him who understands.

“My song is love unknown,
My Savior’s love to me,
Love to the loveless shown
That they might lovely be.
Oh, who am I
That for my sake
My Lord should take Frail flesh and die?” (LSB 430: 1)

 

Mother of None

Many of us are a mother of none but a mother to all.

It’s kind of a cool vocation, really. Think about it. We get to serve a whole bunch of people outside of our home. We get to form distinct relationships with the children and elderly and family in Christ around us. We get to use our special gifts in support of our church and community. We get to serve the neighbors God has given us in our lives today.

We get to do so much!

I know you’d rather serve little people inside of your home than outside of it, but loving other peoples’ children won’t make the pain any worse. Don’t get me wrong! You’ll still cry and grieve the absence of your own children, for sure, but you’ll get kisses and hugs and colored pictures and giggles and snuggles even while you’re suffering under the cross of barrenness.

That’s not such a bad thing, is it?

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What If?

MP900315598Every one of us shouldering the cross of barrenness asks the question, “What if?”

What if we had married earlier in life?

What if we hadn’t avoided the gift of children all of those years?

What if we hadn’t contracepted?

What if my doctor hadn’t taken that ovary?

What if we hadn’t consumed so many nitrates and nitrites in our youth?

What if we had avoided wrapping all of our food in plastic as kids?

What if we’d not eaten those tomatoes stored in BPA-lined cans?

What if my husband hadn’t had chemo during his bout with cancer?

What if we’d used a different adoption agency?

We can’t help it. If only there was something we could have done differently, then maybe we could make a change today and shift the tide of our barrenness towards more pleasant waters.

But, my sisters, it’s all a silly game. There’s no sense in asking such questions, because the answers don’t matter. Up to this moment, God has filled your days with all the things you need to support this body and life, and He promises to continue to work all things for your eternal good and for the good of your neighbor (Romans 8). Yes, even this wretched suffering. You are baptized into Christ Jesus, and you have been given His robe of righteousness in exchange for all of your regrets.

There’s no need to worry about “What if?” anymore. We, the Baptized, can simply rest in the goodness of “What is,” trusting that God means what He says in His Word.

The Truth about Anna

anna-the-prophet

My friend Stephanie said something to me last summer that struck me:

“Anna was married and never had children, and she had a happy life.”

It almost made me laugh when Stephanie said it, my delight was so immediate. To think that I had been writing about barrenness all of these years and never once considered the prophetess Anna!

Luke doesn’t specifically tell us in his Gospel whether or not Anna was barren, but he does tell us that her husband died after seven, short years of marriage and that Anna lived as a widow for the next eighty-four. Luke also never mentions any children born to take care of Anna in her old age but that she “did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day” (Luke 2:37). It is easy to assume she was never given the gift of children.

But do you know what Anna was given? She was given the opportunity to pray and wait on the LORD for the redemption of Jerusalem, and – Wonder of wonders! – she got to behold that very redemption in the flesh. She got to see Jesus!

Isn’t that beautiful?

You, my dear barren sisters, have been given the opportunity to fast and pray night and day, and – Wonder of wonders! – you get to see Jesus in the temple, too.

Excuse Me

It’s gross.

It might even be a bit inappropriate.

But I’m still going to say it.

Weeping and gnashing your teeth and throwing your hands in the air and asking unanswerable questions is a bit like belching. It releases some of the pressure that has built up in the digestion of grief.

So, on behalf of all the barren women grieving around you, I would like to say, “Excuse me.”

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The doctor’s in…

IMG_1879 copyWe were blessed to have an OB-Gyn speak with us at The Great Getaway last summer. Here is a collection of some of the wise tidbits he shared with us:

On infertility…

“Fertility is one of those areas in life where God has us where He wants us. We have to lay it down. We have to give it to God. Who ultimately is in control? It’s not me [the doctor]; it’s not you and your husband; God is the one in control.”

“Infertility is a cross. It’s the cross God has given us. We are to bear our crosses.”

“We can’t even claim to understand why this is happening. This is a wound only God can heal.”

“No matter what happens, your Father loves you. Your Father has your best in mind.”

“Our culture says, ‘I have a right to have my 2.2 children when I want them. Children are things.’ We do not have a right to have children…Children are a precious gift from God.”

“If we had something that worked 100% of the time, then we would lose the awe and wonder of creation.”

On IVF…

“Infertility is not a disease. It is a symptom of a problem. IVF circumvents that problem. Let’s figure out the problem rather than circumvent the problem.”

“Who in the world do we think we are in saying that someone is a Grade D embryo?”

“For every baby that is born through IVF, between 20 to 30 are lost.”

The cost? “$15,000-$18,000 per cycle”

On why life begins at conception…

“Genetically, that embryo is not the mom; that embryo is not the dad. That’s a new person.”

On whether or not the pill ever acts as an abortifacient…

“If it happens once, isn’t that too many?”

Newsletters

Christmas Picture of Mother and DaughterI received a Christmas picture-card from a Great Getaway friend with the following inscription:

“These things I have spoken to you that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God gives us just what we need at exactly the time we need it. Life is full of ups and downs and we thank you for being in our lives. Wishing you and your family a blessed and happy new year.

Isn’t that lovely? No bragging, no complaining, no commiserating. Just the blessed, simple, gracious truth.

Thank you, Jill. I need to take Christmas newsletter-writing lessons from you.

false gods

My husband said this to me the other day:

We have to deal with our false gods. That’s what God does with us. He makes us confront our false gods and see how they actually fail us.

In my barrenness, God makes me confront my false god of control, for, up to this moment, there is not a single thing I have been able to do to control my barrenness and give myself the gift of a child through conception or adoption.

Nor have you been able to do it.

Hear that? That’s the sound of my big-bellied, false god falling off my mantle and shattering onto the floor.

And for that, I thank God for my barrenness.

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