Author: Rebecca Mayes

Bearing the Pain

pain

A co-worker sent me the link below. It’s an eye-opening account of what it’s like to live with chronic pain. I would imagine many readers of this blog will be able to relate to Christine Miserandino’s descriptions. Perhaps it’s not physical pain you carry with you each day – perhaps it’s emotional or psychological. It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, if it occurs each day, or for certain seasons of your life, you know what it means to wear the “I’m doing fine” mask, and it makes you weary and feeling closed off from the rest of the “healthy” world. See Christine’s unique analogy here: ButYouDon’tLookSick.com.

Allow me to put things into perspective, though.

First, from Romans 8:18: “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

And second, from the Lutheran Service Book, Hymn 423:

Jesus, refuge of the weary,

Blest Redeemer whom we love,

Fountain in life’s desert dreary,

Savior from the world above:

Often have Your eyes, offended,

Gazed upon the sinner’s fall;

Yet upon the cross extended,

You have borne the pain of all.

The Hoary Head*

The day was overcast, cold, and windy. I fumbled with the transferring of groceries from my Aldi cart to the empty bags in the back of the van. My two-year old sat in the cart, playfully kicking me with his legs as I did my work, adding to the annoyance of the morning. Forgot to wear gloves, didn’t bring enough bags, forgot to unload all the junk from the back of the van so I’d have room for groceries, child won’t stop whining….

Apparently I didn’t do a very good job of hiding my aggravation.

I heard the rattle of cart wheels behind me and then noticed the rattling stop as they reached my location. I waited for a minute or so and then glanced over my shoulder. There stood an elderly man in a thin coat and jeans, a patient smile parting the deep creases on his face. He held out a quarter and asked if he could take my cart for me. His face held my gaze for some time as I marveled at his resemblance to my own grandfather, who had left this world years ago. He was smaller in stature and his face was much gentler, but the similarity was enough to tug at my heart. With a cart already in his hand, it was obvious he was just relieving me from having to return my own.

“Oh–thank you,” I smiled back. “I’ll try and hurry.” I fumbled even more, feeling his silent presence at my back and knowing that he was just as cold as my son and I were.

I finished the unloading and closed the door. In a feeble attempt at being witty I wheeled the cart around towards the man and said with a smile, “Did you want the kid, too, or just the cart?”

Without missing a beat and without the slightest change in his kindly expression he responded: “If my wife were still with me we’d probably take you up on that. We never had any of our own. She had five misses and the doctor told us we shouldn’t try for any more.”

Somehow in the midst of him sharing his story the child was removed, the cart and money exchanged, and then I uttered a weak but sincere “Thank you” before he shuffled off, still smiling. I don’t remember giving him any other response. I felt speechless.

As I drove out of the parking lot, the tears came. Tears of embarrassment for sticking my foot in my mouth. Tears of gratitude for the whiny boy in the backseat. Tears of guilt as I recognized, yet again, how often this gift is taken for granted. Tears of sorrow for loved ones with an empty back seat. But mostly, tears of awe at being in the presence of such kindness, such an awareness of other’s struggles, and such thoughtfulness from someone who had lost so much. Even in what may be the last decade of his life, he was looking for ways to serve, to give out of what some might see as emptiness. But he didn’t look empty to me at all. I have a strong hunch that Someone was keeping him full.

* “The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.” Proverbs 16:31, KJV

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The Failure of Sex Education in the Church

One of the aspects of barrenness that is so awkward is the fact that the “success” of your marital relations (more modernly called your “sex life”) with your spouse is often scrutinized by those around you, either privately in their own minds, or quite publicly to your face. The joining of two fleshes into one in the bonds of holy matrimony used to be treated with such modesty and respect. No one would dare ask you whether you’re “doing it” right or if you’ve tried such-and-such a method. But the sexual revolution changed all that, and in numerous Christian publications we read that the act is a beautiful, natural part of marriage and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We should celebrate our gift of sexuality and teach the children in our Church all they need to know to be prepared for utilizing this gift. But is this what the Bible says? When we blush at the questions about what’s wrong with our reproductive organs, is that for a good reason, or are we just prudes?

Linda's bookLinda Bartlett, former national president of Lutherans for Life, has just published The Failure of Sex Education in the Church: Mistaken Identity, Compromised Purity, which exposes the myths that our generation, as well as our parents’ and grandparents’ generations, have been taught to believe about what children should know to be prepared for marriage, the marital act, and procreation.

Bartlett begins by giving the necessary history of how the Church,  during the mid-20th century, put too much trust in “experts” instead of the inspired Word of God and willingly traded in our biblical understanding of manhood, womanhood, procreation, parenting, and purity for a more “scientific” approach to teaching children about the intimacies of marriage. Falsified, inaccurate, and even perverted studies on the “sexuality” of the human male and female conducted by Alfred Kinsey were presented to universities, medical associations, and church bodies as facts which could not be ignored by enlightened academics. Christianized versions of the sexual revolution’s message were then (and still are) passed down to schools and parents to share with children.

Are just what are some of these myths?

  • Children are sexual from birth.
  • Children should be taught about sex, and with the proper terminologies, beginning in early elementary school.
  • If children are not taught about sex early on, their naiveté could make them prey to sexual predators.
  • Parents aren’t trained to properly teach their children about sex. The schools are the best environments for this to take place.
  • Boys and girls should be taught about puberty and sexuality while in the same classroom, since there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
  • Sex education will help prevent unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, and abortions.

The Church was naive in its promotion of sex education in the parochial schools, Bartlett points out, but not malicious. We were deceived into believing that we are “sexual from birth,” and this brainwashing had the complete opposite effect on our Church members as what was intended. It cleared the way for the acceptance of fornication, homosexuality, birth control, and even abortion as a normal part of life for those who are simply expressing their sexuality – being who they thought they were created to be.

But that’s not how we were created, Bartlett reminds us. The solution to the mess we are in now is our Baptism. This is where we received our true identities as children of the Heavenly Father, not sexual beings created to express our sexuality, but holy beings, created to live holy (not sexual) lives. “It is important,” Bartlett says, “for the Body of Christ to see each member as fully human as opposed to sexual and, therefore, an instrument for God’s purpose and glory whether a child or adult, single or married, in this circumstance or that,” (pg. 108).

Because Bartlett presents such shocking evidence of our deception, she presents her case in the form of a patient dialogue between herself and her readers, including over 100 questions and then answering almost every objection one could think of to the notion that there is anything wrong with the way the Church has been educating her children. Her love and concern for her Church family flow through each section as she gently reminds us all that, “Even well-intentioned sex education in the Church leans the wrong way if built on the wrong foundation,” (pg. 129).

If you have children, if you teach children, if you are related to children, or if you once were a child, this book is for you.

A Prayer of Faith and Hope

I must share a unique blessing I have.

I didn’t always have it. Years ago, I had to sit on the table in my OB/GYN’s office, tucking and re-tucking the thin sheets around myself while waiting for the doctor to arrive and avoiding the ads for contraceptives that plastered the walls.

I have a new doctor now. This doctor celebrates life, teaches his numerous children about the Creator of life, and has personally prayed for me in my suffering. And instead of drug marketing posters, this doctor displays in his office crucifixes, Scripture verses, and wall art like this:

poem

Thank you, Amy, whoever you are. And thank you, Dr. G. You both provide so much encouragement to every woman who sees you.

 

What If One Spouse is Causing the Barrenness?

coupleQuestion Submitted: A large part of my “story” is what I refer to as spousally-inflicted barrenness. Long story short: my husband’s desire to postpone pregnancy for a year so we would be out of the debt-incurring stage of grad school when a child was born (which I was in agreement with) turned into a season of nearly FIVE YEARS where he was utterly unable to tell me when he would feel “ready” to have a baby. It was a mess. To compound this difficulty, because NFP [Natural Family Planning] only really works for a fertile couple when both people want it to, I became pregnant at least twice anyway and lost the babies in the first trimester. So much heartache in that season. Do you know of resources for women in the situation I was in? Do you have any helpful advice?

This is a tough one. When a husband and wife are not on the same page about something as important as having children, this is a serious division that calls for professional advice. Because of this, I spoke with two pastors and asked for their responses. Here was what the first one had to say:

The question about being ready for children is the same question about being ready for marriage.  God does not differentiate the two.   (For those who are considering marriage, these are the right questions to be asking: Do you both understand that marriage is about the raising of children?  Are you both on the same page concerning children?  What do you think about adoption?  What do you think about IVF and other fertility procedures?  It is imperative to be on the same page on these questions.)  But now what does a couple do that has become married and one of them doesn’t want children?  They can’t just get a divorce and walk away.  This is a profound – even crisis – moment in the life of a married couple.  I would suggest marriage counseling from a good Christian counselor (not just any counselor) and also time with their pastor.  The Lord’s desire is that the man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and that the two become one flesh… being fruitful and filling the earth.  That desire of the Lord hasn’t changed even with our personal desires about what we want to do with our lives.  

These are great comments that a woman experiencing what you did would love to print out and hand to her husband so she can say, “See, I told you so!” However, there are better approaches to winning over one’s spouse. In speaking with the second pastor, I discovered that we wives can certainly make matters worse by the way we approach the topic. Before he’ll be willing to talk to a pastor or counselor, he needs to know that he has our respect and that we’re trying to understand his point of view. Here are some insightful comments from pastor #2:

My wife and I were in an almost identical situation. I was intent on getting my PhD before kids came into the picture. My father had always had dreams of getting his doctorate, but he waited until later in life when he had five children and his responsibilities prevented him from being able to complete the work. I was determined not to let that happen. After seminary, my wife was ready to start a family and I wasn’t. There was a lot of conflict because of our seemingly opposing goals. She was adamant that I didn’t need to continue my studies and that having a family was more important. This was hurtful because she obviously didn’t support my goals. We both dug in our heels and refused to see the other’s point of view. As the Lord would have it, we weren’t able to have children anyway. I look back now and realize that I was wrong to put my personal aspirations above God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply”, and I’ve often thought that if we’d been open to children from the start, perhaps in our “youth” our bodies would have indeed been fruitful. So what could my wife have done differently to convince me not to put off having children? At the time I didn’t see how I could both be a father and a student, and neither did she. And so her goal of having children NOW seemed to be taking away my goal forever. But we were both wrong. Schooling and family are not mutually exclusive. People have done it (though that’s not to say it’s easy). If either she or I had taken this “both-and” approach, it would have been easier for me at that time to listen to what God says about being open to children. 

I cannot help but think of 1 Peter 3:1 in light of these comments: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” Wives in any marriage crisis are called on to be patient and to love, respect, and pray for their man. The more he knows that his wife is his friend and not his enemy, the more willing he may be to rethink what it means to be the head of a family. And even if he still refuses to see a pastor or counselor, the wife should see one by herself . She’ll need someone else to share this burden with her. She’ll need encouragement and the Word of God to help her have a joyful heart as she continues carrying out her vocation as a wife, until such a time as they – like you and your husband – can finally see eye-to-eye on the matter.

Hopeless?

Stressed BusinesswomanQuestion Submitted: I’ve been married for nearly 15 years. I have no biological children and desire so much to be pregnant and to have children.  I am resistant to just giving up but also feel like a fool for hoping otherwise. My friends don’t understand, they just keep hoping for me. Am I just supposed to be barren? I am sadly and regretfully uncontent at this point. We are pursuing foster care and open to adoption but I want more. I want to hold that precious life to my breast after carrying it in my womb! I just ache and am hopeless!

He knows exactly what you’re going through. The Creator of the universe, the Triune God, knows and He hears your cries. He shows you this in His Holy Word, through the story of His servant, Job, who lived thousands of years before you. “Where then is my hope?!” Job called out, and God heard his hopelessness (Job 17:14). God sees your friends and the lack of support they seem to be giving you, just as He saw Job’s friends and heard his plea to them: “Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!” (Job 19:21).

“Though He slay me…” Job started to tell his friends, admitting again that God is in control of his life (Job 13:15), “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.” Job knows he has no choice. It is God alone who can rescue him from his hopelessness. And what is it that Job realizes he should be hoping for? Does he hope for healing from his physical suffering? A restoration of his wealth? More children to comfort the loss of his family members? Yes, I’m sure he does, but these hopes are not what are revealed to us. The words we do have from him are universal. They apply to not just Job, but to you as well. And to me. This is one of God’s great gifts to us, these words that were written so very long ago, with us in mind:

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another” (Job 19:25-27).

The breasts that long to nurse, the womb that longs to carry–these are part of the “skin” that will eventually be “destroyed”. These maternal experiences, precious though I’m sure they are, pass away quickly. It is so easy to dream them into more than they are, to put our hope in being able to make them our own instead of hoping in the One who has made us His own, and “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20). Yes, Christ did more, and still does more, than we could ever ask for, when He suffered and rose on our behalf to save our souls from being destroyed as well. And our bodies, thanks to this great Atonement, will be recreated and no longer broken as they are now.

King David was yet another biblical figure who wrote about hope. He knew what it was like to lose a child and, like you probably have done, asked the question, “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” (Ps. 39:7). But by the power of the Holy Spirit he was able to immediately answer his own question: “My hope is in You.” He, too, worshiped the same Redeemer as Job and looked not so much to earthly deliverance from tragedy, but to his Savior for all eternity. His book of Psalms records the many things in which he placed his hope: God’s Word (Ps. 119:74), the Lord’s salvation (Ps. 119.166), the Lord’s steadfast love (Ps. 147:11). These do not pass away. Menopause or hysterectomies don’t remove them. They remain forever, for you.

And if you feel that it is time to let go of the hope of pregnancy, fear not. There are many hopes left to be had.
“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

Are We Against Embryo Adoption?

IceQuestion Submitted: I am disappointed in your take on embryo adoption and IVF. Are you aware that many embryos never implant in nature? With normal, fertile people?  So why, then, would you not want to give the frozen embryos (or snowflakes, as they’re often called) a chance at making it? I am currently 31 weeks pregnant through the miracle that is embryo adoption. We went through a home study and our clinic had strict requirements for health and eligibility. Why are you against having these babies thawed and given a chance at life outside the freezer?

A note to our readers: This is a response from both me and Katie. It is impossible for us to fully tackle the subject of embryonic adoption in one post let alone answer these complex questions in a paragraph or two. Out of a desire to honor those who submit questions we are forced to address these issues in segments, when ideally they should be dealt with as a whole and more thoroughly explained. Thus I would ask you to please read this post in its entirety to ensure that you are not taking comments out of context or focusing on only a portion of the whole message.

This question includes two assumptions, which I’d like to address separately.

Assumption#1: The risk of natural miscarriage is the same risk that occurs in the frozen embryo transfer (FET).

The end result of both miscarriage and FET is the same, it’s true: children die. But the situations are different in that a miscarriage is something that naturally occurs and is outside the hands of the parents. It is the result of sin being in the world as the result of the fall of Adam and Eve. The parents did not cause this death, nor could they have avoided it in most cases. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21).

The deaths that occur as a result of an attempted FET are explainable and are unnatural, meaning that they are the direct result of human decisions and actions–the responsible parties being the parents who chose to freeze them in the first place. And there’s just no avoiding the fact that, although this is not the desired outcome, the decision made by others to thaw these children and attempt implantation will lead to a hastened death for most of them. One party is choosing to neglect the child by placing him in a situation that will almost certainly lead to his premature death, and the other party makes the choice to risk the lives of many children so that one or more may possibly have the opportunity to live. The second party is attempting to do the right thing by making a rescue, but participating in this procedure is still a serious and sobering matter.

When a couple conceives a child, they have every reason to hope and believe that this child will grow normally and come to be delivered safely, even though sometimes this does not happen. When a couple participates in an embryo adoption, they should know ahead of time that most* of the children removed from the liquid nitrogen and subjected to an attempted implantation will die as a result. Again, the adoptive parents are not the cause of these deaths, but the deaths are still resulting because the children were placed in the hostile environment by human hands. Therefore, regardless of the intentions of the adoptive parents, there are so many differences between these two types of fetal deaths that I do not believe the two situations can be considered parallel.

Assumption #2: That we here at HRTB are against giving frozen children a chance at life.

Before I talk about what we may or may not be against, let me state clearly what we are for:

1. Loving the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind (Matt. 22:37).

2. Loving your neighbor as yourself (Matt. 22:39).

These principles, given by Christ Himself as the sum of all the commandments, are what guide our discussions, our questions, and our concerns. They motivate us to look for the truth in all these perplexing and controversial situations, no matter how difficult that truth may be to hear. We want to eliminate as much of the gray areas as possible so that our precious barren brothers and sisters in Christ may be equipped to traverse this rocky road carefully, without endangering others along the way and without harming their blessed unions with each other or misinforming their consciences. We want people to think about and discuss the hard questions first–then choose action, rather than the other way around. Our words of caution are uttered because of our gratitude to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for His great sacrifice on our behalf, which frees us to live lives of faithfulness to Him, lives that bring glory to Him and, we pray, loving service to our neighbors, not ourselves. When presented with ethical decisions, we want to do whatever we can to ensure that our decisions will not negatively affect our relationship with God by tempting us to look elsewhere for our joy and peace. Rev. Heath R. Curtis summed up this concept well in a recent Gottesdienst article:

The job of the Church is faithfulness. Seeking any other goal will take the Church off God’s path. Just as in the individual Christian’s life, following faithfulness will bring both crosses and blessings. Seeking after one of the blessings instead of faithfulness (or, seeking a created blessing instead of the Creator) will bring judgement. (“LCMS and Demographic Decline,” Gottesdienst: The Journal of Lutheran Liturgy 21, no. 2 [2013]: 13-14)

This judgement, as the article goes on to show, is experienced by God’s people when we stray from His commandments. It can manifest in any number of ways, but it is a noticeable cross felt by God’s people as a direct result of their own unfaithful actions. When we pray, “Forgive us our trespasses,” and “Deliver us from evil,” we are asking God to help us avoid any thought, word, or deed which would cause us to stray. We are asking Him to reveal to us the clear and straight path to take so that we may avoid any pitfalls.

Now, are we against giving frozen children the chance at life? NO! Of course not. All children deserve a chance at life. But the reoccurring theme of our posts on this topic continues to be caution. Just because someone deserves to live does not mean that we should employ any means possible to save them, especially if that involves risking the lives of others, potentially breaking commandments of God, or paying money to an industry which continues to endanger more lives every day. Please understand, our caution is not born from a desire to forget and reject these children because their situation is so complicated but, instead, our caution is born from a desire to love, serve, respect, and protect all of these children in life and death. We believe they are fully human and are, therefore, in need of salvation. We pray for their lives and mourn for their deaths. This burden weighs heavily upon us, and we regularly seek counsel and guidance from others on what we can and should be doing to remedy this mess.

Embryo adoption has been the subject of many late-night talks, prayers and petitions, pastors’ roundtables and academic research for me and Katie. To say that we are against giving these lives a chance to survive is to misunderstand the depth of our love for all new life. We not only want these children to have a chance at full health and vitality outside of the freezer, but we want them to be raised by their biological parents whenever possible, as all children should be; we want them to be raised in Christian homes; we want them to be baptized; we want so many things, and yet sin always seems to get in the way.

It’s possible that we may eventually conclude that embryo adoption is the lesser of two evils, and that it is therefore acceptable when the right conditions are present; however, at this time, we do not have a definitive opinion on this.

To clarify our current position thus far, here’s what we are against:

1. The creation of children in a petri dish outside of the one-flesh union of marriage.

2. The luring of vulnerable couples into believing that IVF is truly the best medical option for them, without explaining that most, if not all, of their children created in this process will die.

3. The use of technology to create multiple children, whom parents have no intention of parenting.

4. The neglect of children, particularly the freezing of them.

5. The deceptive promise to couples that their leftover embryos can be easily adopted by other families.

6. The flippant marketing of embryo adoption as simply another type of adoption that is actually cheaper than the others, with the perk that you get to actually experience pregnancy. This marketing focuses on the desires of the couple and never mentions the deaths that often have to occur for the procedure to take place. Nor does it mention that we should strive to halt the further creation of embryos through the procedure of IVF. It implies that having frozen embryos available for infertile couples is a good thing.

7. The intentional marketing of embryo adoption specifically to the barren by adoption awareness centers, life organizations, and even the Church.

8. The financing of an industry that freezes embryos.

At this point in time (and in addition to the two points mentioned earlier), here’s what we can confidently say we are for when it comes to embryo adoption:

1. Individuals and couples ceasing the creation of embryos through the procedure of IVF.

2. Parents rescuing their own, embryonic children from the freezer.

In conclusion, may I make a plea to our dear readers and to the Church? Please be patient and wait to take action. Be patient with us and all of the Church as we further investigate embryonic adoption and formulate a thorough response to the entire issue. Be patient with your pastors who may not yet have had the time to apply God’s Word to this ethical question. You can help your pastors by inviting them to participate in one of our roundtable discussions. In fact, if you are interested in hosting a roundtable discussion at your own church, please contact us via the Submit a Question page on this website. We would be happy to facilitate such a discussion in your area. We want to help your pastors help you.

Above all, please pray for these tiny children who are frozen. Pray for God’s help and mercy and that His will be done.

* The Embryo Adoption Awareness Center presently reports a 65% failure rate of implantation after an FET.

Genetic Testing and Abortion

DNAQuestion Submitted: Someone I know is currently in the stage of their pregnancy where she can undergo elective genetic testing and stated to me that they would consider abortion if the child is not perfect to protect the quality of life of their other children. This person does not believe in Christ. What do I do? For now I pray and hold my breath for the results of this testing.

Yes, pray! This may seem like a small thing, but it is the best possible thing to do in these situations. Scripture continually reminds us of the power of our prayers:

“The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.” Proverbs 15:29

“The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working”. James 5:16

“For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer.” 1 Peter 3:21

Pray that the Law would convict this woman of her sinful intentions and move her to accept this gift from God regardless of health or ability. Pray for the soul of this child and others like him/her, that our Lord would have mercy on them. And pray for courage and the opportunity to speak the truth in love to this woman.

She has confided in you her fears. She’s afraid of life changing dramatically, both for her born children and herself. Talk to her about this. Ask questions. Is the fear motivated by the fact that life is so very perfect and prosperous right now she can’t stand the thought of anything ruining that? Or is the excuse about not wanting to disrupt her other children’s lives just a front for her real fears? Is there other stress in her life that makes her feel that she couldn’t take on one more challenge? It’s an old cliche, but it’s true: People don’t care how much you know (or what you believe) until they know how much you care. Show her your sincere concern about her family and all her children and she just might be willing to listen to what you have to say.

The fact that Christ is missing from her life explains her way of thinking right now. If I had no certainty of eternal peace after death, and I believed that this world was all there was, I’d run from any sort of hardship (or in this case, even the possibility of hardship), too. My focus would be on living the easy life now, the life focused on me and those closest to me and making sure that we were happy as much as possible. Consider her viewpoint when talking to her.

The answer to how to approach non-Christian friends about abortion was addressed in a previous post, and the same suggestions would apply here. Ask this woman some straightforward questions. What is it that she is carrying in her womb? Does she not see this unborn child as one of her children already? If one of her born children was suddenly disabled would she want to end his/her life so as not to upset their lifestyle? Does someone’s health or abilities change their value as a human being? If the child is perfectly fine and is born into their family and raised with love, would she be comfortable telling him/her later on that she had considered abortion? Why not?

Trust that your prayers on behalf of this child are heard. The outcome of the situation does not rest on you–it is ultimately the parents’ responsibility to care for and nurture their children. If you have the opportunity to speak, then speak. And keep on praying. I will be praying with you.
Give me Thy courage, Lord to speak,
whenever strong oppress the weak.
Should I myself the victim be,
help me forgive, remembering Thee.
With Thine own love may I be filled,
and by Thy Holy Spirit willed,
that all I touch, where’ever I be,
may be divinely touched by Thee.
         Lutheran Service Book 844 vs. 4-5

The Waiting Game: Domestic Adoption

PrayerThis weekend I participated in an adoptive parent panel discussion hosted by our adoption agency, which is part off the required training for families who are on the waiting list. When I had first walked in at the back of the room, having arrived plenty early, I sat down and looked around at all the couples who were sitting in the same place I had sat three years ago. Out of the blue, I started tearing up. Why? It reminded me of the ACHE. I don’t know how else to put it. Seeing all those waiting couples brought back the same emotion I had had in that same room while we were waiting for J. Little did I know at the time, but the wait would be another two years.

When it was time for me to speak, one of the things I shared with the group is something I don’t think I’ve addressed on this site yet, and that is how one can best get through the waiting of a domestic adoption. Kristi has often shared with us her experiences with waiting for an international placement, but domestic adoptions are very different. In most cases, when you work with an agency you are notified periodically when a birthfamily is looking at your profile and you’re given some limited information about the child. Sometimes you are notified if there is a child who doesn’t quite match what your preferences were on your paperwork, but the agency thinks you might still want to be considered. In our case, we received these notifications every few months, sometimes several back-to-back. How can you not get your hopes up? How can you not feel rejected when you’re not picked? With international adoption there is often just silence. With domestic adoption there can be plenty of false alarms. Both scenarios can be torture.

The perspective you have during this process determines whether you can handle these potential matchings with grace and patience, or whether they give you ulcers and prematurely greying hair. If adopting really is all about YOU and what YOU want, then each time you don’t get picked you will feel like the victim of injustice. (Hey, been there!) But what if the waiting period wasn’t just about how long it is taking for a family to pick you, and instead it is about you being in a unique position where you are made aware of women experiencing crisis pregnancies who need lots of prayer, both for themselves as well as for their babies? What if this time was designed to give you another chance to serve your neighbor and better understand the needs of families in your community?

Quite a number of birthmothers contact agencies before letting anyone else in their family know they are pregnant. Some do this because they have relatives who will pressure them to abort the child. When you find out about this mother and child through the agency, you may be one of only a handful of people who knows that this child even exists! Because of your new “vocation” you are given the most wonderful privilege to be able to approach the Heavenly Father on this child’s behalf and ask that He would shelter, protect, love and care for this baby by providing the best home possible for her. And you can ask for wisdom, healthy, maturity and peace for the birthparents, that He would give them what they need to either responsibly parent or confidently release this child into someone else’s arms.

When your focus is on serving these children and their biological families through prayer and not just on getting a child for yourself, you can sincerely rejoice when you hear that a baby is being placed with a family, even if it’s not your family. Your prayers have been answered! Thank God that He is caring for these children through your agency and the money you are paying the agency is not just helping you find a child, but it is helping women in your community who are in crisis to get support and guidance in making the most difficult decision of their lives.

The waiting period is not wasted time. It is not a time to navel-gaze and wonder what’s wrong with you and your spouse that you haven’t been chosen yet. The waiting period can be about serving through prayer, and ACHING for the difficult lives and tough decisions these birthparents have, not just aching for yourself. Spend your time wisely and prayerfully, and one magical day you may be surprised to find out that the latest child you’ve been privileged to pray for  is about to become your own.

Shepherds Who Point Us to the Lamb

gethsemaneThere is no better time to talk about suffering than Good Friday, and our church body is blessed to have so many learned, compassionate, and insightful shepherds who know that the life of the Christian is one of taking up our crosses and following Christ, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world. Take some time this weekend to watch, listen, and read the following as we focus on the suffering and death of our Lord:

Rev. Bryan Wolfmueller’s comments on Issues, Etc. about Sanctification and Suffering

Synodical President Rev. Dr. Matthew Harrison’s video, “Suffering is Purposeful through Repentance”

and Rev. Dr. Gifford Grobien’s comments specifically to you, the barren:

When couples experience barrenness, with Job we should want to worship God and to say,  “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of  the LORD” (Job 1:21). But in the midst of the devil’s temptations such  faithful action and confession seem out of reach. We are distraught. There really isn’t any reason we can hear that will ease the questioning and the sadness. Once again, suffering has overshadowed the way things ought to be. Suffering overtakes even the faithful person. The cross looms and gives no reason.

Instead, the cross calls the church faithfully to follow. Faithfully. That is, even without seeing. Even without perceiving or  understanding. The cross beckons us to see suffering and to see deliverance through suffering. It does not explain suffering; but it promises deliverance from suffering. More than this, the cross of  Jesus Christ promises deliverance through suffering to fellowship with the one who suffered ultimately. The church is a fellowship of  suffering; a fellowship with the passionate One; a fellowship with God of the universe who nevertheless stooped to suffer not just with you, but for you.

Suffering, by its very nature, takes time. We, on the one hand, desire immediate results. We have our food through the drive-through, our information at the touch of a screen, our friends at the click of a  mouse. Even our sins are forgiven in a moment, at the Word of  absolution. That much is true. Yet suffering connotes experience. It  implies time. Deliverance comes after a time of suffering, and this time is not in vain. During this time we are sanctified. We grow in the love of God through the Spirit of God. We are sustained by this  same Spirit through God’s indomitable gifts, so that no temptation overtakes us that is beyond our ability. God is faithful, and with the  temptation he will also provide the way of escape.

Escape. Deliverance. God provides the way of deliverance from suffering. He conforms us to the cross so that we would die and live in Christ. God delivers from infertility. It takes time. It may take a  lifetime. But there is deliverance in the cross.

One of the ways to endure suffering as we await deliverance is to hear God’s Word and to pray. When we pray the Psalms we do both. God knows what it is to suffer, for He gives us psalms to pray even in  suffering–psalms of lament. Thus we pray the psalms of lament. Psalm  13: “How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?” Psalm 59: “For the  cursing and lies that [my enemies] utter, consume them in wrath; consume them till they are no more, that they may know that God rules.”

Pray these psalms, knowing that the enemy spoken of is the devil, the tempter overcome by suffering. He is overcome by Christ’s suffering, indeed, but it is true that Satan is overcome in his work in our lives when we persevere through suffering. When we are afflicted, the root temptation is to curse God and turn away in unbelief. God is all powerful, so our affliction must be his fault! That is the temptation of Satan. That is the theology of glory. So, when we persevere in faith, in spite of affliction, the work of the devil in our particular circumstances is also overcome through the power of the Spirit in the Word.