Questions Submitted

Who do you talk to?

Question Submitted: As a pastor’s wife, who do you talk to when you are going through your lowest parts of barrenness?

I talk to God. I talk to my husband. I talk to my parents. I talk to my friends (many are fellow pastors’ wives, but some are not). I talk to other barren women.

Sometimes, because of the nature of what I’ve chosen to do with my free time, I talk to hundreds of women from behind a podium. Grief is obstinate that way. It doesn’t stay home just because I have a gig. (I keep a tissue tucked in my presentation binder for this very reason.)

More recently, I talk to women at my church. Perhaps this openness comes with my growing more comfortable (less vulnerable?) in my barrenness as I age, or maybe it is because my sisters in Christ at my church keep showing a genuine interest in bearing my perpetual burden. Whatever the reason, I find myself talking more freely with these women about my fears, my pain, my sin, my grief, my joy, my contentment, the discipline of the Lord, His abundant mercies, and so much more.

I wish I could say that no woman ever makes the mistake of pointing me to the work of my own hands to achieve a child, but here’s what I can say: most of the women I talk to listen to my confession and let it stand. Namely, they let me remain (even rejoice in) the way God has made me today, hug me when I am sad about what He has not given me, and point me to the promises in His Word for comfort and joy. They bear, even share, my grief, and they invite me to bear and share their own.

That rich, Christian fellowship, in my humble opinion, is worth the risk of encountering a few theologians of glory in the parish hall.

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Abortion and Salvation

Question Submitted: After hearing about the inhumane treatment of the precious souls lost during abortions, I was comforted to think that these souls are in the arms of our Savior. But could you point me to Scripture that backs this belief up? I have always been told by fellow Christians that these souls are in heaven even though they never left the womb, but I realize more and more how important it is to back up these beliefs with Scripture. I am trying to spend more time in reading God’s Word, but I don’t know how to begin researching this.

The whole situation surrounding Planned Parenthood’s abortion industry is sickening, and one of the most difficult, awful realities of their reckless abuse and murder of the unborn is that we do not have a clear promise in Scripture that these children go to heaven.

I heard of a recent discourse on Facebook between a couple of pastors that went something like this:

Pastor 1: Not all of these aborted children are going to heaven.
Pastor 2: Which ones are going to hell, then?
Pastor 1: Whichever ones don’t believe in Jesus.

And there is the truth. God gives faith to His people – faith which trusts that Jesus died on the cross for the forgiveness of sins – and only those who believe that Christ’s death was for their salvation enter into heaven.

Pastor Mark Surburg has written some of the best and truest words I have ever read on the subject of a child’s death in the womb, and while here he is writing specifically about the miscarriage of children from Christian parents (which is a different subject than the abortion of pagan children), I think you might find his pastoral response helpful.

Here, also, is Pastor Mark Chepulis’ theological response to the death of his own daughter in the womb.

However silent God may be on the subject on the eternal state of aborted children, He is not silent in His Word on the state of His abundant mercy. Here are some clear promises from God that comfort me in the face of Planned Parenthood’s monstrosity:

God desires that all be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:4).
God does not desire the death of anyone but, instead, desires that all should reach repentance (2 Peter 3:9).
God’s steadfast love endures forever (1 Chronicles 16:34).
The children of mankind take refuge in God’s wings; God hears and answers the prayers of the righteous; God is forgiving; His mercy is great (Psalms 36:7; 34:15; 86:7; 119:156).

And so, in faith, we turn and pray to the LORD of great mercy: “Lord, have mercy! Christ, have mercy! Lord, have mercy!” and we commend these children into the hands of a loving God. After that, all we in good conscience can do is trust in His clear promises as found in Scripture and work to serve and protect those vulnerable children who are yet unborn. (This can be done by speaking out on their behalf; working to bring about laws which would protect and preserve their right to life and shield them from further abuse; support their parents’ physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, etc.).

I know that this may seem like such an unsatisfying answer, but a pastor-friend of mine, the Rev. Tony Oliphant, wisely reminded me just this morning, “In a sense, [this is] not a very satisfying answer. If anything, it compounds the horror of abortion. But then again, in another sense, is there anything more satisfying than leaning so deeply into the mercy of the One who gives life and love so recklessly to His undeserving and helpless children?”

Now, please go talk to your pastor about all of this. Test my words against his, for he is the one who has been called to preach God’s Word to you in truth and to serve you in such a time as this. He wants you to talk to him about this.

My Adoption Story

Uncles are important in the lives of adopted children, too.

Question Submitted: I have been thinking of contacting you for a while and I just decided to go ahead and ask. I really hope that I am not prying, and if I am feel free to just ignore me!

I am a huge advocate for adoption, have been for a really long time. I have been researching adoption options for about five years now and my husband and I are currently in the process ourselves.

Oftentimes I will tell people that there are very few legitimate reasons that preclude a person from adopting at all. I don’t ever say this to place judgement on those who choose not to adopt. Of course it is not a calling for everyone!

But I do say it to encourage those who are interested in adopting but feel that there are roadblocks they could not overcome. There are just so many options, usually there is at least one out there that fits for a family. And I really have come across very few cases where this is not so.

A few of my friends have spoken to me privately about this, with concerns that my advocating comes on too strong, particularly for couples who want to adopt but feel they can’t. A few have mentioned you specifically, and how you and your husband have tried but God has closed that door.

I know this is a very personal thing, but I can’t help thinking that perhaps knowing your story might give me a perspective that I’m missing.

No, you are not prying at all. However, because my personal story involves (yes, I use the present tense) many different individuals who have not given me their permission to share their own involvement in my story, I choose to keep my story private for the protection of all involved.

Let me suffice to say that I am a huge advocate for adoption, as well. (I am blessed to be an aunt to three adopted nieces and one adopted nephew.) I am also an advocate for supporting and equipping parents (married, single, crisis, or otherwise) to whom God has already given the gift of children through conception. They’re both worthy causes.

If it helps, I think you answered your own concerns in the following three statements:

1. “I have been researching adoption options for about five years now and my husband and I are currently in the process ourselves.” – One could ask why, in those five years of research, you have not already adopted a child, but that’s the point, isn’t it? You can’t possibly control such things. You are trying to adopt, and there it is. There, also, are most barren couples in regards to adoption. They are simply elbow-deep in research, paperwork, foster care training, court appointments, and visits with social workers, hoping and praying that God will give them the gift of a child through adoption according to His will. I would venture to guess this scenario fits most couples with whom you are concerned.

2. “Of course it is not a calling for everyone!” Exactly, and we must respect the fact God does and doesn’t call people to the vocation of adoptive parenting, even if that makes us uncomfortable. Remember, adoption is not a law. From an advocacy standpoint, I think it wise to be a little less concerned with those whom God hasn’t called to be adoptive parents and, instead, focus attention and support on those whom He has.

3. “And I really have come across very few cases where this is not so.” Yet, these cases exist, so we trust in the Lord all the more for these couples instead of burdening them with ungodly guilt. Again, adoption is not a law, and it most certainly is not the only way to serve orphans. I think adoption advocates (me included) sometimes forget that adopted children need more than just parents. Let’s rejoice in all of the vocations – social workers, lawyers, pastors, counselors, foster parents, policemen, judges, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, therapists, doctors, nurses, travel guides, bloggers, fundraisers, you name it – who faithfully serve these children even though they never get to adopt them.

There is one other group of people in this situation which deserves our attention and respect: those couples who, for whatever reason, simply decide they don’t want to adopt children. As contrary as their decision may seem to our own sentiments, it’s okay for them to decide not to adopt. Many of us can’t help but rise up and start quoting James 1:27 to them – “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world [ESV].” – but, again, it is wise to remember that adoptive parenting is not the only vocation through which God serves these children (just as adoptive parenting is not the only vocation through which God serves widows).

And, as a friendly salutation, I’d like to correct one statement in the original submission above in regards to my own story. Rather than writing “God has closed that door” for my husband and me in regards to adoption, I think it is a truer confession to write “God has not yet given us the gift of children through adoption.”

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. My husband and I still have hope of being parents (adoptive or otherwise), but we don’t hold God to a promise He hasn’t given us in His Word. We are trusting that His will for us today is good, even if it is childless. It would help and encourage me greatly if those around me trusted in His good will for us, too.

How and When to Give

Question Submitted: I can’t praise your book highly enough, but I’m not always sure about how/when to give it to people. Sometimes, people are not in a place where they’re ready to talk about barrenness, or they may feel that others giving them resources is intrusive. It’s such a sensitive topic. Do you have any suggestions for how/when to give a copy of He Remembers the Barren to others?

I know what you mean. He Remembers the Barren is not exactly the kind of gift you want to wrap up and put under the tree for your loved one. Who wants to open a package and find this inside instead of something from Bed, Bath, and Beyond? Or who wants to pull a book with this cover out of a stocking in front of family and friends? Let’s all say it together: awkward.

Yet, I still think He Remembers the Barren is a good gift worthy of giving, because it reminds all of us that God’s love and favor is not dependent on our becoming mothers but, instead, on Jesus becoming our sin on the cross so that He might give us His blessed righteousness. In Christ, we are freed from the burden of sin and the curse of death that comes with our wretched barrenness; in Christ, we are made worthy of God’s love and favor; in Christ, we have true hope whether we are mothers or not.

So, please consider giving your loved one a copy of He Remembers the Barren, but use some of your James Bond-esque stealth in the giving. Here are some suggested tactics (Q and M approved, of course):

Read the book yourself, so that you know what your loved one is going through and can better love her through her grief and suffering.
Give the book to your loved one’s parents, siblings, pastor, etc. for the same reasons.
Make sure your church library has a copy of the book on hand as well as your local public library.
Write a note to go with the book (i.e. “This book is not a label or a judgment. It is a great big hug from me to you. I read it, and it helped me know that God remembers me even when I suffer. I thought it might help you, too. I love you.”)
Give her the book in private and at a time when she does not need to be around people for awhile. You can mail it to her home, or you can hand it to her wrapped and tell her to wait until she is alone to open it.
If you two already have a history of openly discussing her barrenness, then give it to her in person when it is just the two of you. And tell her what she means to you.
Give her the book without any expectations on your own part, and saturate the giving in prayer.
Once you give it to her, don’t bring it up. Wait for her to talk about it or not talk about it.
Don’t be offended if she doesn’t read it for awhile. Depending on what phase of the grief cycle she is currently experiencing, she may want nothing to do with it at first. She might even be embarrassed or offended. Still, won’t it be nice that the book will be there for her when she is ready for it?

I have had people turn shades of green at the mere mention of my book. The thought of reading something about the very thing they loathe makes them sick to their stomachs, because their present grief is too poignant. Such is the way of suffering, so I don’t force the book on them. Still, I try to give it to them, because I think the book really does offer comfort and empathy and relief amidst the pain of suffering.

Thank you for caring enough for your loved one to do what is hard. She is blessed to have you in her life.

Feeling Alone

Question Submitted: My husband and I have been undergoing fertility treaments since February 2011. We married a little later in life as we both were in foreign missions, but we finally met while working on the same mission field. After trying to start a family for a year-and-a-half, we consulted a doctor. She realized that I wasn’t ovulating. After 6 months of treatment, she recommended a fertility specialist. We worked with him for a year, then recently moved to another city. We found a clinic specializing in fertlility treatments. This was our first month of treatment. Yesterday, we received the results of our pregnancy test – negative. I feel hollow and have lost hope. My husband is an amazing partner and is constantly leading us in God’s Word. I am asking for your prayers for strength to accept God’s will. I would love to talk to other women who have gone through this or are going through this.

Sister, you’ve got our prayers for strength to accept God’s will. In Jesus’ name+, amen.

And you are most definitely not alone. Know that the entire Church prays for you. Know that Christ sits at the right hand of God and intercedes on your behalf. Know that the Holy Spirit intercedes with groanings too deep for words whenever you are too burdened to form the words yourself.

And know that there is a community of women, like yourself, who are praying the same prayer for their own lives. They, too, grieve their negative pregnancy tests and desperately put their faith in God’s good will for them even in their childlessness. These women want to meet you and listen to you and cry with you and share with you their own stories. These women met last summer in St. Louis for The Great Getaway, and, God willing, we hope to do the same year after year.

Won’t you please join us? (We’ll be in touch soon with details about The Great Getaway 2014.)

In the meantime, is there a pastor in your local mission field to whom you can go and speak about your hopes and disappointments and grief? He is Christ’s man there for you, and he wants to help bear your pain. He wants to comfort you with the Words of eternal life, pray with you as you wait on the Lord, and put Christ’s own pain-bearing flesh on your tongue.

Married without Children

Question Submitted: I got married knowing that we biologically could never have children, so I have a question for you…what is a good way to respond to all the questions?

I sometimes feel that people assume I’m a bad person/woman because I’m not having children, and people say, “Well, you SHOULD have kids!” Or the ever-present, “One day it’ll happen, and THEN you’ll understand” when people talk to me about their children. Do I respond with, “Well, actually, I won’t ever understand” or do I just let them believe that they’re right?

I had so many friends tell me that I should have reconsidered my marriage because we knew we couldn’t have children, and then I see their Facebook pages covered in photos, news, quotes, etc. of their kids, and it just renews my sense of not being “enough.” This is a tough road to travel!! I love my marriage and I love my husband, but I hate the way others interpret our being without children. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?

I think the best way to respond to all of the unsolicited suggestions and questions is to answer in whatever way best protects your husband and your one-flesh union. It’s a hard balance to strike in conversations, being honest and forthright about barrenness without over sharing. I imagine one of the risks of engaging people in a conversation at all about your specific situation is the very real chance they’ll end up asking more questions than you’re comfortable answering.

So, I recommend you start by having a frank conversation with your husband about the whole situation and decide together what you both are comfortable telling people and what you both wish to remain private. Then, let those boundaries be your guide in every conversation.

Remember, you have no social obligation to answer others’ questions about your sexual organs, nor do you need to defend your childlessness to your neighbor. Really, neither are anyone’s business but your own, your husband’s, and your pastor’s. (Yep, I include your pastor, because he is the one who married you or, at least, looks after your marriage.)

At the same time, it is perfectly acceptable if you want to share with others the reality of your barrenness. For some barren couples, this provides greater relief than silence down the road. Just be ready. Whatever boundaries you and your husband choose for these kinds of conversations, you most likely will spend a good chunk of your married life kindly helping family, friends, and strangers respect those boundaries. And for that task, my sister, may our Lord strengthen and preserve you in the one, true Faith unto life everlasting. Go to church often to hear God’s Word and to receive the gift of Christ’s Body and Blood for your benefit. Forgive freely for you have been forgiven in Christ.

If it’s helpful, whenever people push past my own personal conversation boundaries regarding my barrenness, I look them in the eye and tell them the truth: “I am not comfortable answering that question.” End of conversation.

On the rare occasion that a person probes even further, I excuse myself and flee temptation. (Actually, that’s not true. That is what I should do. More often than not – wretched sinner that I am! – I stick to the spot and offer tit for tat: “I’ll tell you something about my ovaries if you tell me something about your cervix. Or your uterus. Really, either are fine. I find both of them interesting.”)

It is awkward sometimes, but, I assure you, the awkwardness is not of your own making.

Singlehood

Question Submitted: How can I best love and support my sister who is barren currently because she is not/has never been married? She is going through a very difficult time right now and I know that she feels a lot of anger, frustration, depression, and a multitude of other difficult emotions. She has told me several times how aware she is that she is the only one in my family who is not married and doesn’t have children. I have tried to be sensitive of that, but I was wondering if there was anything else I can do to love and support her (besides lifting her up in prayer and listening to her).

I thought your sister might appreciate your question being answered by a fellow, single sister in Christ rather than by an old, married lady such as me, so I asked Adriane A. Dorr, managing editor of The Lutheran Witness and one of my favorite people in the whole world, to take the helm on this one. Ms. Dorr just wrote a book called Hello. My Name Is Single. It’ll be out spring of 2014. It includes interviews from single people—young adults to widows—and touches on all manner of topics from “Why You Should Never Date Guys with ‘J’ Names and Other Little Known Facts” to “Love > Sex” to “Awkward First Dates and Other Things Singles Could Definitely, Totally Do Without,” all with the purpose of helping single people realize that the Lord really does love them, that being single is not the end of the world, that you can pray fervently for a pious spouse even before you think you’re ready to get married, what it means to be a Christian man or woman, and that dating, marriage, and life in general require God’s grace and forgiveness and a little dash of humor on the side.

Two years ago, I sat in a stiff-backed hospital chair, watching my sister and her husband coo over their newborn daughter, who was still pink and a little wrinkly and definitely very sleepy. In a moment, I was jealous. I wanted a husband who loved me and a child to rock in my arms too, and while I knew of wives who struggled with barrenness, I consoled myself with the fact that I was suffering more, since they, at least, had husbands to love them while I had no one.

Yeesh.

Your sister might feel the same way. But instead of waiting for her to talk to you about her pain, ask her. She’ll likely tell you that she wants to be loved and cherished, that thoughts of fulfilling the pious vocations of wife and mother fill her head multiple times a day. She’ll probably tell you how hard it is to watch her friends get married and then have babies, and how it seems like, no matter which restaurant she goes to on the weekend, she runs into a bachelorette party or a toddler’s birthday, two of the most painful reminders of her alone-ness.

She wants to have a husband to come home to, a man to fix dinner for, a baby’s tiny Disney diapers to change, and a swaddled infant to rock to sleep at night. And while you can’t change how she feels, you can acknowledge that she feels something at all. You can tell her that it’s okay to long for those things that our Lord tells us are holy and good—spouses and children and families and life together. You can tell her that you’re sorry that she is hurting, that her pain is real and that she’s not crazy for feeling it. You can write a Sticky Note and slap it to her forehead that reads: “You may be lonely, but you are not alone.” You can tell her she has you and that she has her pastor, and that a loving sibling and a faithful pastor can be a fairly unstoppable duo.

You don’t have to fix her or give her advice. You simply have to agree that life—and all the suffering that comes with it—is difficult and that it is hard. That, some days, will be enough.

But you also point her again and again to Christ. You remind her that her value and her worth come from—not a husband or children—but from Christ on the cross. Tell her, in the midst of her sobbing and bitter words spoken in anger, that she is whole and perfect in Christ, broken no more. Pray with her, asking the Lord that His heart would be moved to grant your sister the desires of hers. And encourage her to go often to the Lord’s Supper, to private Confession and Absolution, to the place where Christ’s gives her Himself, the One who makes all things new.

Not talking about her pain doesn’t help. But neither does wallowing in it. Let her hurt. Let her cry. Let her throw a pan of brownies across a kitchen. (Not, you know, saying that I’ve done that or anything.) But remind her that the Lord’s plan for her is perfect and that it is best, despite how it feels, despite how it looks, despite how it seems. She may be barren, but she is whole in Christ. And that, even when she lays her head down on her pillow alone in bed at night, is the only thing that matters.

Best,

Adriane

How Should I Grieve?

Question Submitted: Thank you for your blog. I usually read several entries at once every few months when my barrenness comes to the forefront again. Thank you especially for the Bible verses, prayers, and hymns. Recently I’ve seen a lot of miscarriage awareness Facebook posts. I’ve never gone through a miscarriage and its grief. My husband and I are just infertile. I’m pretty sure it’s ok for us to grieve, but obviously not with the same grief of those who lose a child. So how should/can an infertile couple grieve?

I asked my friend Diane Lamberson, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Texas who does psychotherapy from a Christian perspective with people struggling with complicated grief and loss, to help us with this post. Not only is Diane one of the wisest and most compassionate sisters in Christ I have ever met, but she has the education to properly address this question for all of us:

As a psychotherapist who specializes in grief and loss, I am often asked this question in one form or another. Actually, it is two questions:

1. Is the grief I feel legitimate?
2. Am I grieving correctly?

The simple answer to both questions is YES.

Bearing the cross of infertility, even in the comforting shadow of Christ’s cross, is a difficult road that is full of uncertainty, frustration, and most certainly grief. Is it the same grief a couple who experiences a miscarriage has? No. Does that make the grief of not conceiving (and possibly never conceiving) any less intense or legitimate? No. One is not less than the other. Instead, they are different, yet overlapping, experiences.

In fact, one parent feels her grief after six miscarriages and one full-term birth of a child (after the third miscarriage) is less painful than the grief suffered by those who have never conceived. “I am aware that the pain of other women who never carry a child must be greater than mine,” she writes. She calls miscarriage the “loneliest grief of all.” I think barrenness and miscarriage are both lonely kinds of grief, and I am grateful to the hosts of this forum for giving it a voice and providing a much needed source of Christ-centered comfort to all who are grieving as they carry this cross and follow Christ.

While having experienced neither infertility nor miscarriage personally, I have been called upon in both my clinical work and personal life to bear witness to and assist with the grief that comes with both. For the couple who has never conceived a child, news from a medical professional that it will not be possible can feel as if a person has died because their dream of a person has died. Indeed, in some ways, this news is a more complicated kind of grief. When we lose people we love to death, we have memories of our interactions and can share them with others. Society acknowledges it. There is a specific date of death and mourning (a public expression of grief).

When grieving the loss of a person for which we hope and dream but who does not yet exist, there are no memories in which to share or take comfort. There may not be a specific date when the dream died, only ongoing uncertainty. Society doesn’t acknowledge it in any public or formal way. There is no funeral. There are no flowers or casseroles in the refrigerator. There is no gravesite to visit. Many who suffer miscarriages don’t have all of these outward signs either, depending on when the pregnancy ended. Instead, what couples bearing the cross of barrenness largely get instead of compassion is suggestions about IVF, surrogacy, sperm banks, adoption, or other ways to “fix the problem” that don’t in any way acknowledge the very real grief and loss that the barren are feeling.

Some feel they are grieving too much and others worry they don’t feel enough and wonder what is wrong. The truth is neither is wrong. It just happens to be your feelings about what you’ve been through. They are colored by your personality, how you view being barren, and your faith/theology, among many other factors. Your grief may be more intense at one time than another. Many think grief is a linear process when it is more like a spiral lying on its side. While you may be moving forward, there are many emotions you may revisit along the way. This is not a sign of regression but a revisiting of feelings that have come around again in your movement through the spiral.

The truth is, God is present to comfort us through all our times of grief, whether it is the loss of a specific child, the loss of one’s womb/reproductive organs, or the loss felt every time an unwanted menstrual cycle comes along with the knowledge that once again a child is not growing within the womb. All are painful and difficult to endure, but in Christ we are never alone. With the support we provide each other God works through us. We may not know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future.

Diane Lamberson, LCSW

Hymns to the Rescue!

Question Submitted: I’m slowly learning during the “dark moments” to quickly grab my hymnal and try to get out of my head. It’s way too easy to be seduced by my own self-pity or anxiety about the future. Are there particular hymns you always go for first that help?

Was it Luther who said we should throw darts, not feathers, at the devil?

In my struggle against principalities and powers, I don’t want to be armed with bubble-machine choruses which speak of God only in adjectives. I don’t want my bow loaded with candy-heart lyrics which laud my own love for Love Divine.

Nope, give me a hymn-sword to wield every time. Dress me in poetic armor dripping with Jesus’ name and the truth of His work for me on the cross. Send me into battle on a rhythmic steed quick to deliver the news of Christ’s blood shed for sinners such as me, and wave that four-part battle flag high in the sky to guide and comfort me through the fray.

My preferred artillery?

“God’s Own Child, I Gladly Say It” (Lutheran Service Book 594)
“Through Jesus’ Blood and Merit” (LSB 746)
“Why Should Cross and Trial Grieve Me?” (LSB 756)
“Entrust Your Days and Burdens” (LSB 754)
“Let Us Ever Walk with Jesus” (LSB 685)
“What God Ordains Is Always Good” (LSB 760)
“My Song Is Love Unknown” (LSB 430)
“Jesus, Priceless Treasure” (LSB 743)
“If God Himself Be for Me” (LSB 724)
“My Hope Is Built on Nothing Less” (LSB 575)
“If Thou but Trust in God to Guide Thee” (LSB 750)
“I am Jesus’ Little Lamb” (LSB 740)
“One Thing’s Needful” (LSB 536 – Thank you, Leah!)
“Of the Father’s Love Begotten” (LSB 384)
“Joy to the World” (LSB 387)

Happy target practice!

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Adoption in Place of Conception?

Question Submitted: I know quite a few couples who are choosing to stop having children naturally, even though they are capable, in order to adopt. Is this a common phenomenon in American Christianity? The rationale seems to be:

1) They don’t want to go through another pregnancy, babyhood, potty training (so they will look to adopt an older child). I find this reason uncomfortably close to why I look to “adopt” older dogs, and not 6-week-old puppies.

2) They think adopting a child who otherwise would not be raised in the faith and may live in poverty or suffering is better than having another baby of their own. My husband calls this Malthusianism Lite.

Please understand my friends are clear that there are no obstacles to having another baby naturally (barrenness, physical danger to mom, etc.). How do I respond to these statements? If it didn’t happen so often, I would ignore it, but I have heard different women speak this way 4-5 times over the last year.

I recently heard a similar sentiment spoken about a character on a popular television show, and the character was lauded for thinking such things. I guess it doesn’t surprise me that the world thinks conception and adoption are mutually exclusive, but when did we in the Church buy into such fallacies?*

Conception is good in marriage. Adoption is good in marriage. Both are ways God gifts marriages with children, and we need not attempt to control either one. In fact, to sacrifice one for the other, to treat one as better or more important or more practical or more beneficial than the other, is problematic, and, for this reason, I would advise these couples to go talk with their pastor about such things in light of their specific vocations.

* I am not speaking about the specific circumstance of when a couple is blessed with a pregnancy during the adoption process and, because agency/government rules dictate such matters, must forgo an adoption at that time. That matter is separate from the question submitted and, therefore, is not addressed in this post.