Author: Rebecca Mayes

Collect: February 27, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site. 

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Lord Jesus,

As You were led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit and then tempted by Satan, the Father of Lies, You did not stray from Your mission to continually move towards Calvary and the sacrifice that awaited You there. By the power of the Holy Scriptures, You repelled the devil with the truths of God’s promises until he fled from You. In great humility we bow before You and confess that we have fallen into the temptation of despair, of self-pity, and the belief that You are not a fair and just God. Forgive us these and all our sins and wash us clean with Your blood. Pour into our hearts daily Your Words of truth and establish them there that we, too, might use them to fight against the Tempter; for You live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Collect: February 20, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site. 

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Good and Gracious Shepherd,

While on this earth You taught Your disciples for many years, instructing them and demonstrating for them how to care for Your sheep. As You fed the crowds of hungry people and washed the feet of these men You gave all future shepherds of Your flock a picture of humility and compassion, which they are to likewise model. We give You thanks for providing us in this present time with the blessing of good and faithful pastors who have washed us in our baptisms, being Your instrument to make us children of the Heavenly Father, and who have fed us Your Body and Blood, which fills our souls when in our emptiness we hunger for You. We pray that You would nurture and mold these men to become Your voice to people who are hurting all around them. Give them strength to shoulder the burdens we lay upon them and wisdom to know which of Your Words will be that healing balm that we desperately need; for You live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Collect: February 12, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site. 

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Dear God of all comfort,

Your servant Paul endured a thorn in his flesh that caused him to rely solely on Your sufficient grace, that Your power might be made known in his weakness. Your own Son endured the piercing of thorns from a crown that caused His blood to shed so that Your power might triumph over sin and cover all of our weaknesses. We beseech you to strengthen Your servants who at this time now also suffer from spiritual, emotional, or physical thorns. Humble their hearts to receive these trials with patience, perseverance, and trust. Hear their cries for help and answer them according to your good and gracious will. Though they may not be able to easily bear a child, grant them the opportunity to bear good fruits as a result of the faith instilled in them at their baptism and to be a faithful witness of Your love and faithfulness towards those who suffer;  through Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

IVF: A Time to Mourn

Each January we are reminded of the millions of lives that have been lost through abortion since Roe v. Wade in 1973. Our churches have been sent materials to help us recognize and discuss the importance of life during this time of year when we remember the monumental court ruling that removed the right to life from the most helpless of our society. I was encouraged this past November to see that the state of Mississippi was allowing its people to vote on whether they believed that life began at conception. There seemed to be so much support for the amendment and pro-lifers were optimistic about the outcome. But it failed. It’s not surprising that Planned Parenthood was working overtime in an attempt to “educate” the public and I’m sure had much influence with some of the voters. But what really got me was that the other group leading the fight against the measure were what some might consider “my own people.” Infertile couples and fertility clinics were frightened by the possibility that, as a result of this measure passing, IVF might also become illegal in their state.

The attitude that helped prevent this amendment from passing came across loudly and clearly in the blogosphere during the time prior to the vote. While most of the barren bloggers that I came across who were against the amendment demonstrated a common obsession with self-interest regardless of what the truth might be, at least they appeared to understand the significance of the statement that life begins at conception. For some reason they fully understood what takes place during an IVF procedure. Many well-meaning Christians do not.

Or maybe they do after all. A CNN article that came out in early November focused on one Christian family who seemed to know exactly what they were doing with IVF, and the possibility of having personhood assigned to embryos didn’t give them reason to pause and reflect about what they had already participated in. Rather, it prompted them to move up the date of their next procedure.

I wish I could have a conversation with this family. I’m curious about how they would justify what they were about to do. Would they point to some Scripture passages that guided them to this decision? Would they say that their pastor counseled them to go ahead with this plan? Or did they simply feel that this was the right thing to do? How do their consciences handle the risk they were taking, when statistically 65% or more of their fertilized embryos will die?

If life begins at conception, and if all life is valuable, why don’t we as a Church likewise mourn for those tiny lives who have been conceived through IVF and either discarded to die, frozen to death, or who simply “didn’t take,” meaning they lost their lives in the struggle for the survival of the fittest? Abortion sacrifices the life of an innocent child for the perceived rights of the mother to control her own body. IVF sacrifices the lives of many children for the hope of one healthy, viable child for a desperate couple. Is one situation any less tragic than the other?

Sisters, please help me with this issue. If you take offense somehow or feel that I don’t have all the facts, please contact me (Rebecca) through the “Submit a Question” section. I want to dialogue about this. I want to know more than I do. Do you have a pastor who supported your own decision to do IVF? If so, I would love to talk to him. I want to find out if I’m missing something. But if I’m not–if I’m right on the money here–then we all need to be engaging our churches more in this topic and helping to educate both pastors and lay people about the significance of our actions when we seek to step in as the creator of earthly life and eternal souls. We need to love and cherish those children in our churches who were conceived through IVF while helping their parents and other couples look for alternative ways to fill the voids in their hearts. We need to repent, confess, forgive, and participate in a unified life together in our congregations, where we all have a common understanding of and appreciation for the sanctity of all human life.

We mourn for the deaths in abortions. We mourn for the deaths in miscarriages and stillbirths. Let us also mourn for the deaths that occur in IVF–deaths that are completely preventable.

Collect: February 5, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site. 

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Dear Lord of Life,

You took on human flesh when you were conceived by the Holy Spirit in the womb of the Virgin Mary. We know that we were each knit together in our mother’s womb and that Your eyes saw our unformed substance and our days were formed for us before our conception. Help all people, especially the barren and those experiencing crisis pregnancies, to comprehend the value of life yet unborn, yet undeveloped, and yet unnamed. Help us to model Your selflessness as You put our lives first on Your way to the cross, though You prayed that the cup of suffering be taken from You. Thank you for heeding  the Father’s will and for having the strength to do so on our behalf. Grant us strength in the midst of our suffering to make choices that will honor the sanctity of all human life and will protect our tiniest of neighbors; for You live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen

The Enlightenment

In Dr. Martin Luther’s Small Catechism he reminds the Christian that one of the jobs of the Holy Spirit is to “enlighten me with His gifts,” and this enlightenment so often occurs when we are hearing the Spirit-filled words of Holy Scripture. Have you ever had that experience? Perhaps you’ve read the passage a hundred times before but suddenly you get it.  It happened to me in church this week. The words hit my ears and penetrated my soul. The sanctuary filled with a bright light while angels sang and harps strummed to a great crescendo. Well, ok, maybe that part was just going on in my head. But the “aha!” moment was so profound that I almost felt like interrupting the service just to ask everyone if they had truly grasped the magnitude of the holy words we had just sung.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11

For a few seconds I wrestled with the “from those who walk uprightly” part. Does this passage really apply to me? I know how deep sin dwells within me. I cannot stand uprightly before God and face Him like I am. But wait–because I have put on Christ in my baptism, doesn’t our Heavenly Father see Christ when He looks at me? Do not the words of absolution I just received remind me that I am forgiven and righteous before God? And do not the righteous walk “uprightly”? YES! This is meant for me!

And then the key words of the passage were finally able to seep into the still empty crevices of my heart, like a soothing ointment that provides instant relief from pain. No good thing does He withhold. It finally occurred to me: God’s not holding out on me.

I hear the cry of a newborn infant in a store and I think, “Oh, what a blessed sound! How good it would be to hear that sound in my own home.” But it wouldn’t be good. Not now. Because if it would be truly good for me then I would already have it.

I hear of young single women who have just discovered that they are pregnant and I think, “Wouldn’t our family be best for this child? Doesn’t the girl realize how much better of a life this baby would have with two parents instead of one?” But over and over God has clearly indicated that it would not be good for those children to be ours. And God wants the highest good for us and for these children.

No good thing does He withhold. This means that right now, in this time and this place, I have all good things from my Lord and Savior. Whatever I feel that I lack is, according to Him, not a good thing for me. He is withholding only those things that are harmful to my body or my soul . He is, as the Psalm also says, my sun, lighting my path to my heavenly home through the promises of His Holy Word so that I do not stumble along the way. He is my shield, protecting me from all things which might lead me to trust in something other than His grace and mercy alone. He is also protecting me from myself and the ramifications of my sinful and selfish desires by covering me with His blood.

He’s not holding out on me. This realization is so freeing, so comforting. Even though we know better we can sometimes still be caught pondering whether our past sins have caused our current heartache. We feel like we’re being punished in some way, like a child whose parent has put his favorite toy up on the shelf because he did not pick up his room when told to do so. But God is not holding out on us. The baby we so desire is not waiting out there somewhere until we can get our acts together, figure out what sin we haven’t confessed, or guess at what God wants us to do next. He is giving all good things to us now–this moment, this day, this week. Alleluia! Let those angels keep on singing! I wish you could hear them, too.

Let It Be To Me

I continue to marvel at Mary’s response to Gabriel’s unbelievable message: “…let it be to me according to your word,” (Luke 1:38). She didn’t know what those words really meant, did she? She couldn’t have known.  She couldn’t have foreseen the heartache she would have to go through as the mother of the Messiah, who was destined to suffer and die. Yet the Holy Spirit moved her to speak with great confidence in her calling as the Lord’s servant, chosen for an honor unlike any that had ever been given before. A great honor, to be sure, but one that was accompanied by great suffering.

Can you speak these words from Mary as you experience the unexpected, the disappointments, the losses? Throughout our lives we all experience those proverbial “closed doors” where it seems pretty clear that going in the direction we had planned is not according to God’s plan. This news does not come from a heavenly being, reminding us first to “Fear not,” but rather from physicians or social workers who are simply stating the facts.

“The cancer had spread more than we thought,” says the surgeon.“We had to do a hysterectomy.” But I’m so young! It doesn’t seem possible that I’ll never be able to give birth. I never dreamed this would happen.

“It doesn’t appear that any growth has taken place in the last month,” says the OB. “I’m so sorry.” No! This was the answer to our prayers. Why would God give us this miracle and then take it away? It’s not fair.                                                           

“We have just received word that all referrals are on hold indefinitely,” states the email from the agency. “We will notify you when we have more details.” Not another hold up! We’ve been through this before. This could add even more years to our wait.

The shock. The denial. The anger. The fight. The exhaustion. The surrender. Then, finally, the prayer: “Let it be to me according to Your word.”

Using Mary’s statement as a prayer can be both a spiritual and physical struggle for some. At times we may even feel the need to physically grasp hold of something as we speak it so as to brace ourselves for the realization of all our fears. Our sinful nature attaches such hesitancy to this concept of full submission. Why is that? After all these years of the Lord’s providence, generosity, faithfulness, and care, why have we still not learned our lesson?

For me it’s getting a little better. You know why? I’ve been practicing. Every week on Sunday morning I hear the true, inspired, life-giving words that speak of the Lord’s promises to me and I practice this prayer—this time with all boldness and confidence.

“In the stead and by the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, I forgive you all your sins.…” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“I believe in the…resurrection of the body and the life everlasting.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“…given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

 “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.”

 Let it be to us all according to His Word!

Capris and Consolation

There’s an outfit in my closet that I refer to as my miscarriage outfit. I know, it sounds morbid, doesn’t it? But after all this time it has just become a casual term for one of my favorite things to wear. There’s my “cozy-Sunday-afternoon-in-the-winter” outfit, my “chic-going-on-a-date-with-my-man” outfit, and there’s the “miscarriage” outfit. The phrase brings no tears, no pain, just great endearment towards the family members who gave it to me at a time when I needed them and somehow they knew exactly what to do for me.

The week following the miscarriage, my dear mother, sister and sister-in-law all drove three hours to come stay with me, share my grief, and make me feel loved. They brought me chocolate, took me out to eat, and bought me the most comfy, casual (but cute!), capri sweatsuit outfit that I’ll probably ever own. They didn’t try and get me to count my blessings or make promises that they couldn’t confirm would be fulfilled. They were just there—listening, loving, simply being present. Two out of the three women had themselves lost children in the womb (one of them several times).  They knew what to do. Not everyone does. I was very blessed.

The next time you hear of a miscarriage, consider whether you can do more than just send a card or make a call. Think about what women in general (and this friend in particular) enjoy, what makes them feel comfortable and loved.  Delicious food, cozy outfits, visits from people they love, a good laugh, an inspiring movie. Maybe you aren’t close enough to the person or in a position where you can just drop everything and be with her, but a thoughtful gesture or gift can make a woman feel as if she’s just received a comforting embrace, even if you can’t be there in person.

So thank you mom, Anne, and Amy. Every time I pull on those capris and zip up that sweatshirt I am reminded of the love that my Lord showed me through each of you, who selflessly rushed to my side when you knew I was in pain. I haven’t forgotten.

How close can we get?

We didn’t want to settle for anything less than the best. Not when it came to a decision about possibly bringing a new life into this world. Only the best would do.

I’m not talking about treatments. I’m not talking about doctors. I’m talking about us as a couple—our best motivations, widsom, and behaviors. When it came to forming a family, we didn’t want heavy consciences. We didn’t want hesitations, uncertainties or ethical dilemas. So we sought spiritual guidance and we read the best books and we found our answer.

I greatly appreciate the light that pastors and authors have shed on the questions surrounding reproductive technologies and I owe much to their wisdom and insight. Some theologians and bioethicists have done their best to evaluate all the options and rate them worst to—well, possibly OK. In our reading and conversations we noticed phrases like “may be allowable” or “might not violate the one-flesh union” or “might be compatible” with Scripture. There lacked a sense of certainty, and rightly so. Any alteration to the natural and God-ordained process of creating an eternal soul should require some hesitation and a proper sense of fear and awe, should it not? Considering whether to interfere with this process certainly made us tremble. We had to ask ourselves, “What right do we have? Would this really be the best way to grow our family?”

Dealing with Christian ethics isn’t about trying to find the lesser of two evils or making an educated guess about whether the choice you have in front of you contains a “sin-full” option and a “sin-less” option. It isn’t about trying to find out “How far can we go?” It’s about finding the ideal, the perfect target, and doing everything you can to achieve that ideal. It’s about using God’s ten commandments and His Word as a guide to keep us close to His will even if He has not addressed our specific questions in that Word.

The actual definition of sin is, appropriately, “missing the mark,” but our modern minds tend to be more occupied with the space outside the target than with the bull’s-eye. So what is our bull’s-eye as Christian couples seeking to have children? How can we be certain that our efforts to create a family will be pleasing to our Lord?

The book of Genesis spells it out very clearly as Moses reveals how the first family came about. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (2:24). Marriage came first. Then, in chapter 4:1: “Adam knew Eve his wife,” (sexual intimacy) “and she conceived,” (conception) “and bore Cain…” (birth). There you have it—the four-fold process created by God for becoming a biological family. This is how it was meant to be. Couples who are able to have children in this way need never doubt whether they are acting in accordance with God’s will.

But alas, in chapter three sin entered the world and turned everything upside down. In ancient days and even now, barrenness, miscarriages and stillbirths rip away the fruits that are meant to be born from a couple’s most intimate sharing of one another. And in the 21st century, we have seen this four-fold procreation process intentionally rearranged, redefined, and even rejected. In the secular world, marriage is certainly not necessary anymore to be intimate, conceive and bear children. Conception can be suppressed so as to more fully enjoy the intimacy without the responsibility of the bearing and rearing. And when conception is desired but not achievable, it’s often seen as necessary to forego intimacy in an effort to medically intervene and help the life-creating process along. And in a rather extreme example of our “progress”, women today even have the option to skip the marriage, intimacy and conception altogether and go straight to just giving birth by participating in an embryo adoption.

How far have we gone? Is this too far yet? Where does one draw the line?

As much as our pastors, friends, and family want to give us hope that there is a procedure that will assist us in getting the child they “know” God has planned for us, not one of them can confidently say that intentionally drifting away from God’s four-fold family plan (for receiving a biological child) is not a sin in some way. There will always be doubt and uncertainty as to whether it’s really OK.

In the chapter “How Far is Too Far?” from Katie’s book, she presents questions that we should all be asking ourselves when considering whether to engage in a medical procedure that is not meant to heal a broken body but rather to circumvent God’s original process. “Do you wish to ‘make a baby’ at the risk of hurting your neighbor? Do you think that having a baby is the only thing in life that can make you happy? Do you put your identity in motherhood rather than in your baptism? Will your faith in Jesus be upset if you do not conceive?”

The true motivations for the choices we make while experiencing barrenness reflect what is in our hearts. Does our attitude about having a family drive us toward the center of the target, or does it push us to the outer edges? Which focus is best?

My advice to the barren couple who wants to avoid sinning as they seek to address their barrenness is this: Seek healing if there is a chance that your body is not completely healthy, and pray that you might receive the gift of a child as a result of your physical love or through adoption. Instead of asking yourself, “How far can we go?” consider asking, “How close can we get?”

Adoption Questions

Question Submitted: Do you have any recommendations on books/websites about the adoption process? Also, do you recommend any agencies?

An easy place to start looking for adoption resources is christian.adoption.com.  Although the site is packed with ads, you’ll also find helpful articles, blogs, and links to state-specific adoption information on laws, lawyers, and which agencies work within your state.

One book that has been recommended to me is The Whole Life Adoption Book: Realistic Advice for Building a Healthy Adoptive Family by Jayne E. Schooler and Thomas Atwood. I would also suggest just looking on Amazon by searching for “adoption” and reading through the reviews thoroughly. Some books are written from a Christian perspective and some aren’t and the reviews will help you get an idea of what approach the author is taking. Some books will contain the author’s own adoption story when what you’re really looking for is just the how-to’s on where to begin. I’m always a fan of the “Idiot’s Guide to…” books, and there’s one for adoption. This will likely be a good introduction to the process.

We have worked with two different adoption agencies now, one that has offices internationally and the other one is just in our state. There are a number of things that I would recommend you keep in mind as you try and find the right one for you.

1. Know what your values are and find an agency that closely matches them.

Some agencies may have a Christian mission statement but if you hadn’t read it you wouldn’t necessarily know that they are Christian. Read their literature carefully to get a feel for what their values are. For example, do they believe that the best place for a child is in a home with a mother and father, or do they serve homosexual couples as well? If these types of details are important to you then do some digging.

2. Ask lots of questions. You need to find out from them:

-What are all your fees? When do they need to be paid? What’s the most I would have to pay?

-Do you have any financial assistance or discounts? (Some agencies give discounts to pastors’ families.) Do you charge on a sliding scale based on income?

-What’s the average wait for a Caucasian child? A minority child? A bi-racial child? A child with special needs? How many placements do you do each year? How many people are on the waiting list?

-How often will my paperwork need to be updated? What fees are associated with that?

-Do you only do open adoptions or do you do semi-open or closed adoptions as well?

-What supports do you provide the birth parents? Will they get pre- and post-placement counseling?

-What is the process for a birth parent choosing a family? Will we meet the birth family? What kind of post-placement contact is typical between the birth and adoption families you work with?

-What services besides adoption do you offer? Do you have post-placement support for the adopting family? Do you provide resources and trainings for unique adoption situations?

-If we aren’t happy with our caseworker can we ask for another one?

-And lots more…

3. Ask around for not only a good agency, but find out who the good caseworkers are.

What I have found over the years as I’ve spoken with numerous families who have adopted is that your satisfaction with the process greatly depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you. Even though she cannot speed up the process necessarily, her contact with you, her understanding of your questions, fears or confusion about the details of the process will either be a source of stress or peace in your life. You may find a great agency and get a not-so-empathetic caseworker. But the good news is that you should be able to ask for someone else. A good agency will recognize that sometimes the assignments just aren’t a good fit and they will do their best to help you feel comfortable with who is handling your adoption.

4. Know what you can afford and don’t let your emotions change your mind.

Too often I hear couples decide that they are going to do an international adoption that is outrageously expensive and their philosophy is, “Well, we just have to trust that God will provide the funds.” Wrong. God doesn’t promise that in the Bible. He gives us common sense and requires that we be good stewards of the gifts He has already given us. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to apply Luke 14:28 to preparing for an adoption: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” So sit down with your spouse and look at your savings, your earnings, your fundraising abilities, your willingness to complete grant applications, etc., and set a number that you can handle. That number will determine whether you can do international, domestic, or a foster-to-adopt program.

5. Be aware of government requirements in your state. 

If you are looking into foster care with the potential to adopt, be sure to read the fine print before signing anything. Unfortunately, many of our state governments are making it more and more difficult for Christian families to participate in foster care programs without compromising our traditional values, specifically those related to sexuality, appropriate sexual expression, and sexual orientations. Be sure that any contracts or agreements that you sign pertaining to foster care or adoption are thoroughly read, understood, and do not contradict your faith and the expression of that faith.

Regarding your question about what agencies are recommended, it’s a little hard to say. There are so many agencies available, many specialzing in different types of adoptions and most of them are not nation-wide. Recommending an agency in my area wouldn’t necessarily help anyone outside my state. I can tell you that we worked with Bethany Christian Services for our first adoption and this is nation-wide. We were very satisfied with that experience. We chose a local agency for the second adoption because they had a sliding scale fee schedule based on income. Perhaps in a future post we can list any other recommendations that people send in, both for domestic and international adoptions.

Ask around at church, at your doctor’s office, and your or your husband’s place of work to find out who in your area has adopted and with whom they worked. Then ask these agencies for other references from previous or current families. Find an agency that has an office close to you (if possible), supports your Christian beliefs, has a fair fee schedule, and has a good reputation. And most of all, pray for guidance. Choosing the agency is only the first decision of hundreds that you’ll be making.  May the Lord bless your efforts!