Adoption

Hopeless?

Question Submitted: I’ve been married for nearly 15 years. I have no biological children and desire so much to be pregnant and to have children. I am resistant to just giving up but also feel like a fool for hoping otherwise. My friends don’t understand, they just keep hoping for me. Am I just supposed to be barren? I am sadly and regretfully uncontent at this point. We are pursuing foster care and open to adoption but I want more. I want to hold that precious life to my breast after carrying it in my womb! I just ache and am hopeless!

He knows exactly what you’re going through. The Creator of the universe, the Triune God, knows and He hears your cries. He shows you this in His Holy Word, through the story of His servant, Job, who lived thousands of years before you. “Where then is my hope?!” Job called out, and God heard his hopelessness (Job 17:14). God sees your friends and the lack of support they seem to be giving you, just as He saw Job’s friends and heard his plea to them: “Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!” (Job 19:21).

“Though He slay me…” Job started to tell his friends, admitting again that God is in control of his life (Job 13:15), “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.” Job knows he has no choice. It is God alone who can rescue him from his hopelessness. And what is it that Job realizes he should be hoping for? Does he hope for healing from his physical suffering? A restoration of his wealth? More children to comfort the loss of his family members? Yes, I’m sure he does, but these hopes are not what are revealed to us. The words we do have from him are universal. They apply to not just Job, but to you as well. And to me. This is one of God’s great gifts to us, these words that were written so very long ago, with us in mind:

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another” (Job 19:25-27).

The breasts that long to nurse, the womb that longs to carry–these are part of the “skin” that will eventually be “destroyed”. These maternal experiences, precious though I’m sure they are, pass away quickly. It is so easy to dream them into more than they are, to put our hope in being able to make them our own instead of hoping in the One who has made us His own, and “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20). Yes, Christ did more, and still does more, than we could ever ask for, when He suffered and rose on our behalf to save our souls from being destroyed as well. And our bodies, thanks to this great Atonement, will be recreated and no longer broken as they are now.

King David was yet another biblical figure who wrote about hope. He knew what it was like to lose a child and, like you probably have done, asked the question, “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” (Ps. 39:7). But by the power of the Holy Spirit he was able to immediately answer his own question: “My hope is in You.” He, too, worshiped the same Redeemer as Job and looked not so much to earthly deliverance from tragedy, but to his Savior for all eternity. His book of Psalms records the many things in which he placed his hope: God’s Word (Ps. 119:74), the Lord’s salvation (Ps. 119.166), the Lord’s steadfast love (Ps. 147:11). These do not pass away. Menopause or hysterectomies don’t remove them. They remain forever, for you.

And if you feel that it is time to let go of the hope of pregnancy, fear not. There are many hopes left to be had.

“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

“How Close Can We Get?”

Look who published an article in the most recent issue of LifeDate.

Yep. That’s right. Our very own Rebecca.

Well done, Mrs. Mayes!

Get Ready to GETAWAY!

The Great Getaway is approaching fast, and registration for on-sight attendees is now filled and closed. However, we do have room left for commuting attendees.

Do you crave fellowship with other women who understand what it’s like to be childless or to lose a child? Do you have ethical questions about infertility medicine you’d like to ask a pro-life doctor? Would you enjoy eating decadent desserts prepared by a loving pastor and his wife who just want to spoil you rotten? Do you need a retreat in a beautiful house near a scenic park in historic St. Louis?

Then, you might want to join us this summer for the The Great Getaway on Friday, July 26th through Sunday, July 28th. Retreat details and registration information can be found here.

A High Five

Remember when this happened?

Well, guess what?

Yep, that’s right. God in His wisdom and mercy has blessed our beloved Kristi and her family with another child through adoption. Will you rejoice with us in her family of five, and will you please pray for the Leckbands, for all adoptive families, and for all birthmothers as they love and serve each other through this season of transition and attachment?

I cannot help but ponder this wondrous miracle: through legal adoption, God has blessed the Leckbands with a new son; through Baptismal adoption, God has blessed all of us with a new brother in Christ.

Praise be to God for His good gifts!

Am I Disobeying God?

Question Submitted: I read your posts on to adopt or not to adopt and fake laws. My husband and I are barren but have so far decided not to pursue adoption or doctoring. We are usually content in the callings God has given us in which we serve other people’s children. In spite of this, I sometimes have a gnawing fear that we are disobeying God by not pursuing the good work of parenting. Perhaps God wants to use the adoption agencies or medical doctors to make us parents and we aren’t letting that happen. We are sinners so all our decisions are tainted by sin. Is it really true that “you must try to adopt or seek ethical medical help,” is a fake law?

God does instruct us in His Word to care specifically for the needs of widows and orphans (James 1:27), but that instruction is for all of the Church, not just for the barren.

Still, it is often the consciences of the barren which are burdened by this instruction, so let me take a shot at defining some of the fear and tension you might personally be feeling surrounding the question of whether or not to adopt: You know from God’s Word that He wills for us in marriage to be fruitful and to multiply (Genesis 1:27-8). You know that children are the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between a husband and wife (Psalm 127:3). And, you also know that, for whatever reason, you and your husband have been unable to conceive and bring a child to full health and vitality outside of the womb. So, what now? Is having children a law from God you must obey? Are you obligated to find an alternative method of having and raising children? Do you need to adopt a child to please God?

No.

Adoption is not intrinsic in God’s design of procreation. Adoption is a matter of free will. When a husband and wife are unable to conceive in the one-flesh union, God does not require them by law to adopt children into their family. We know that, in Christ, we are to serve and care for orphans, but adoption is not the only way to care for their needs. In other words, we do not necessarily need to adopt an orphan in order to serve him. There are many ways to serve, even mother, orphans without signing legal paperwork in front of a judge. We can faithfully pray for these children; we can raise awareness and money to help fund their adoptions; we can give clothes, food, and shelter to those who have none; we can serve as foster parents to children waiting to be matched with their forever families; we can be active supporters in the lives of the families in our congregation and community who have already adopted; we can encourage parents to rescue their children currently frozen in fertility clinics; we can lobby for the rights of these children in the political arena; and the list goes on and on. Think about your specific talents and gifts. How can you use those gifts to serve your neighbor?

Adoption is a good thing. The reality is that there are plenty of children who need parents to love them and bring them up in the Faith. Yet, not everyone is called to be parents through adoption, just as not everyone is called to be parents through conception. If you and your husband come to the conclusion that adoption is not the right path for your family, then commend your fear and guilt to Christ’s mercy and pray that God would provide parents for all children in need. Then, go out and serve your neighbor in all peace, joy, and in the full knowledge that Christ has perfectly served you on the cross.

In regards to whether or not to seek more medical attention for your barrenness, you are not required by any law of God to undergo medical treatments in order to conceive a child, and there is no sin in being content with the quiver God has given you today.

“So Ashamed”

Question Submitted: I was raised LCMS and have three amazing children, not from IVF or anything, but I have so many friends I have supported through that journey and I was recently struck by a forum where I have LCMS friends in and they started telling a woman that IVF was sinful and some really awful, unchristian things, and I felt very ashamed to be Lutheran in that moment. Now, I can see the destroying embryos and blah blah blah that people get off on and the “frozen kids with no rights.” But, my friends have done IVF in a way that they, and I, believe is God pleasing. They do a cycle a time, only harvest one egg that they make naturally, inseminate it, and put it in, regardless, no testing or anything, it is placed back in the mother’s womb and up to God. Is this such an awful thing? Why would God call physicians to help some of the most brokenhearted people if he didn’t think it was ok? It made my heart heavy tonight for those women and so ashamed of my LCMS sisters. So unforgiving and judgmental.

God calls doctors to diagnose and treat illnesses, not to risk the lives of innocent children for the sake of their parents’ happiness.

For, that is what IVF is. It is a self-serving, child-risking procedure. It creates children apart from the marriage bed – apart from God’s Biblical plan for procreation – not to serve, guard, protect, and save the lives of the children created, but to serve the desires of the parents.

Whether or not children are discarded, frozen, or selectively terminated during the procedure of IVF, parents who attempt to create and implant even one child at a time are still risking someone else’s life for their own happiness. I would be wary of calling this God-pleasing, for nowhere in Scripture does God tell us that we are to risk the lives of our children in order to serve our own needs and desires. Neither does Holy Writ invite us to think that God’s good will for our lives is for us to be happy. Instead, God’s Word reveals that His good will for our lives is for us to be saved through His Son, Christ Jesus, and for us to be faithfully content in what He provides for us.

As a woman who has not been blessed with the gift of children, I know from personal experience that broken-heartedness of which you speak. It is a dark, lonely, terrifying thing to look a life of childlessness in the face, and it is very tempting in that darkness to do whatever it takes to get a child. I am thankful your friends have such a supportive advocate in you, someone who encourages them and defends them in their suffering. However, please do not let your compassion for their childlessness move you to promote IVF in any form.

Remember, for whatever reason, God in His wisdom has not given your friends the gift of children through the one-flesh union, and attempting implantation of any number of children in a barren womb is statistically going to fail up to 70.6% of the time. (Just to be clear, that failure means the death of whole, already created, living children.) Advocating for IVF is more than just rooting for the 29.4% hope that your friends will be parents; it is also, by default, rooting for the larger, sadder statistic that children will be created simply to die.

If your friends still have a burning desire to be parents, why not encourage them to adopt? Not only is adoption a Biblically supported means of parentage, but it also serves the lives, needs, and desires of both the children and the parents. This, I believe, we can say with confidence is God-pleasing.

Fake Laws

“The devil is a Pharisee,” my husband said to me the other night. “He makes up fake laws for us to keep.”

The devil tries to make us feel guilty. He waves our sins in front of our faces in an attempt to make us despair, and, when that doesn’t work, he makes up fake laws to confuse and damn us.

You need to have a child, or your life isn’t blessed by God.

You need to foster and adopt a child, or you are not a Christian.

You need to adopt an embryo, or you are not showing the fruits of the Holy Spirit.

You, you, you, you…

That’s what the devil does. He tries to get you to look in the mirror, not at Christ on the cross. He tries to get you to see a lost and condemned creature, not the righteous Christ Who was put upon you in your Baptism.

For, if he can get you to trust in the keeping of Pharisaical laws over Christ’s forgiveness of sinners, then you are damned and he has won.

The Waiting Game: Domestic Adoption

This weekend I participated in an adoptive parent panel discussion hosted by our adoption agency, which is part off the required training for families who are on the waiting list. When I had first walked in at the back of the room, having arrived plenty early, I sat down and looked around at all the couples who were sitting in the same place I had sat three years ago. Out of the blue, I started tearing up. Why? It reminded me of the ACHE. I don’t know how else to put it. Seeing all those waiting couples brought back the same emotion I had had in that same room while we were waiting for J. Little did I know at the time, but the wait would be another two years.

When it was time for me to speak, one of the things I shared with the group is something I don’t think I’ve addressed on this site yet, and that is how one can best get through the waiting of a domestic adoption. Kristi has often shared with us her experiences with waiting for an international placement, but domestic adoptions are very different. In most cases, when you work with an agency you are notified periodically when a birthfamily is looking at your profile and you’re given some limited information about the child. Sometimes you are notified if there is a child who doesn’t quite match what your preferences were on your paperwork, but the agency thinks you might still want to be considered. In our case, we received these notifications every few months, sometimes several back-to-back. How can you not get your hopes up? How can you not feel rejected when you’re not picked? With international adoption there is often just silence. With domestic adoption there can be plenty of false alarms. Both scenarios can be torture.

The perspective you have during this process determines whether you can handle these potential matchings with grace and patience, or whether they give you ulcers and prematurely greying hair. If adopting really is all about YOU and what YOU want, then each time you don’t get picked you will feel like the victim of injustice. (Hey, been there!) But what if the waiting period wasn’t just about how long it is taking for a family to pick you, and instead it is about you being in a unique position where you are made aware of women experiencing crisis pregnancies who need lots of prayer, both for themselves as well as for their babies? What if this time was designed to give you another chance to serve your neighbor and better understand the needs of families in your community?

Quite a number of birthmothers contact agencies before letting anyone else in their family know they are pregnant. Some do this because they have relatives who will pressure them to abort the child. When you find out about this mother and child through the agency, you may be one of only a handful of people who knows that this child even exists! Because of your new “vocation” you are given the most wonderful privilege to be able to approach the Heavenly Father on this child’s behalf and ask that He would shelter, protect, love and care for this baby by providing the best home possible for her. And you can ask for wisdom, healthy, maturity and peace for the birthparents, that He would give them what they need to either responsibly parent or confidently release this child into someone else’s arms.

When your focus is on serving these children and their biological families through prayer and not just on getting a child for yourself, you can sincerely rejoice when you hear that a baby is being placed with a family, even if it’s not your family. Your prayers have been answered! Thank God that He is caring for these children through your agency and the money you are paying the agency is not just helping you find a child, but it is helping women in your community who are in crisis to get support and guidance in making the most difficult decision of their lives.

The waiting period is not wasted time. It is not a time to navel-gaze and wonder what’s wrong with you and your spouse that you haven’t been chosen yet. The waiting period can be about serving through prayer, and ACHING for the difficult lives and tough decisions these birthparents have, not just aching for yourself. Spend your time wisely and prayerfully, and one magical day you may be surprised to find out that the latest child you’ve been privileged to pray for is about to become your own.

To Adopt or Not to Adopt – Part Deux

I received an overwhelming response to yesterday’s post, many of which were emails and messages from caring, well-meaning people encouraging me and my husband to adopt a child. Many of you expressed a concern that we are using the fear of pain and the knowledge of sin as reasons/excuses not to adopt. In fact, so many of you responded this way that I realized I failed yesterday as a writer. I spent too much time describing the trees in the background of my landscape that I distracted you from noticing the flowering azalea in the very front of the picture.

Please, allow me to point out the azalea.

Gift language applies to adoption, not just to conception.

Children are a gift from God whether they are birthed or adopted into our families. God is always the One giving the gift of children, period, and He, in His loving wisdom, gives and doesn’t give this gift. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

My sinful grossness (as confessed and described in yesterday’s post) is not the reason my husband and I have not adopted a child. The reason we have not adopted a child is the same reason we have not conceived a child: God simply has not given us the gift of a child through such means. We hope for that gift every day, we try to remain open to God’s giving, and we pray that our Lord will continue to work His good and gracious will in our lives.

The intent of yesterday’s post was to comfort and offer empathy to the barren who desire adopted children but have not been given the gift of adopted children. My transparency was a clunky attempt at hugging those who sit on the receiving end of a big, fat “no” in the adoption process. It really does happen no matter how much these couples want a child, pray for a child, wait for a child, and keep trying to adopt a child. These barren brothers and sisters in Christ feel burdened by their self-perceived failure as well as others’ expectations for them to have children.

There is only Jesus for all of us, so let’s rejoice today with these couples in God’s perfect love and good will for them revealed in God’s Word and shown by Christ on the cross. Let’s join them in praying that God’s will be done for their families.

And, when given the opportunity, let’s use gift language – not “should” and “must” and “do” and “try” and other control language – when speaking to them about adoption. It will really help.

Thank you, dear brothers and sisters in Christ, for your love and prayers.

An Adoption Story to Share

One of the area newspapers ran an article on our recent international adoption of Maria. We are thankful that the writer gave us the opportunity to share our story, and we thank God that the writer allowed us to share our hope and trust in the Lord’s timing and will for our lives. You can read the story HERE.