Adoption

Adoption in Place of Conception?

MC900431513Question Submitted: I know quite a few couples who are choosing to stop having children naturally, even though they are capable, in order to adopt. Is this a common phenomenon in American Christianity? The rationale seems to be:

1) They don’t want to go through another pregnancy, babyhood, potty training (so they will look to adopt an older child).  I find this reason uncomfortably close to why I look to “adopt” older dogs, and not 6-week-old puppies.

2) They think adopting a child who otherwise would not be raised in the faith and may live in poverty or suffering is better than having another baby of their own.  My husband calls this Malthusianism Lite.

Please understand my friends are clear that there are no obstacles to having another baby naturally (barrenness, physical danger to mom, etc.). How do I respond to these statements?  If it didn’t happen so often, I would ignore it, but I have heard different women speak this way 4-5 times over the last year.

I recently heard a similar sentiment spoken about a character on a popular television show, and the character was lauded for thinking such things. I guess it doesn’t surprise me that the world thinks conception and adoption are mutually exclusive, but when did we in the Church buy into such fallacies?*

Conception is good in marriage. Adoption is good in marriage. Both are ways God gifts marriages with children, and we need not attempt to control either one. In fact, to sacrifice one for the other, to treat one as better or more important or more practical or more beneficial than the other, is problematic, and, for this reason, I would advise these couples to go talk with their pastor about such things in light of their specific vocations.

* I am not speaking about the specific circumstance of when a couple is blessed with a pregnancy during the adoption process and, because agency/government rules dictate such matters, must forgo an adoption at that time. That matter is separate from the question submitted and, therefore, is not addressed in this post.

Those Rose-Colored Glasses

yup, they're redSome people think that adoption is THE answer to barrenness. If you would just adopt, then your life would be so much happier. If you adopt, then you won’t have to wonder if and when you’ll ever start a family. If we adopt a baby, then we’ll fit in with our friends. If we adopt, then our parents will quit hounding us about giving them grandkids. You start to believe that adoption is really the way to go!

Please don’t misunderstand me. Adoption is definitely wonderful. Two of my children joined my family through adoption, and we are blessed a thousand times over by their presence. Consider this, though. Adoption is not going to bring the perfect child to you. There is no such thing as the perfect family. Kids sin. They’re naughty. Parents lose their temper. They don’t always like to make sacrifices for their children. Life won’t always be rosy.

If you’re considering adoption, good for you. I would, however, encourage you to remove the rose-colored glasses. Know that you’re making an important decision. If you’re trying to take the reins and build the “dream” family, then you need to have your eyes examined. You’ve turned inward on yourself rather than on the smallest of neighbors. More importantly, you need to check your heart, for a child needs your love for who she is, and not for whom you have always dreamed her to be. We can love children because they are God’s gifts to us — whether they are homegrown or added through adoption.

What if adoption isn’t in your sights? God still loves you. There is no mandate that requires barren couples to adopt. We are free to live under the cross of Christ and bask in His good gifts. Whether children are given to your marriage or not, God still delights in you! He sees you through Jesus, His perfect Son! You, the baptized child of God, are perfect to Him, with or without children.

Does God like the idea of adoption? Absolutely! He has adopted His children into His family. The apostle Paul wrote about adoption in the letter to the Galatians.

Galatians 4:4-6
English Standard Version (ESV)

4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem
those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. 6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”

God’s desire is for you to be part of His family. Yes, even with all of your imperfections. He knows exactly what He is doing when He brings us into His family through baptism. Thanks be to God that He looks at us through His Son Jesus Christ.

The Control Factor

MP900321091There is comfort in control.

It is common for victims of assault to comfort themselves with illusions of control. For example, women who have been beaten or raped often find blame in themselves for the crime that was committed against them, because, as long as they are somehow at fault – as long as they are not truly victims of some terrible atrocity outside of their own control – then there is something they can do to keep it from happening again.

We comfort ourselves with illusions of control, as well. As long as there is something we can do to get pregnant – some dietary change or surgical procedure or herbal cocktail or adoption agency we can utilize to give ourselves the gift of a child – then we are not really barren. Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful for all of the healthy foods, vitamin supplements, doctors, procedures, and foster care training I have utilized over the years, for they have offered me physical relief and instructed me in how to better care for my neighbor; however, none of these things have given me control over my parental status.

If we could really control our barrenness, don’t you think all of us would be parents, already?

Seeking control of our fertility is a chasing after the wind. Children, birthed or adopted, are a heritage from the LORD, a gift from Him to receive. Turn back to your Father in heaven and ask Him to give you all good things according to His will. Then, rejoice, for He is wise in His giving.

 

Hopeless?

Stressed BusinesswomanQuestion Submitted: I’ve been married for nearly 15 years. I have no biological children and desire so much to be pregnant and to have children.  I am resistant to just giving up but also feel like a fool for hoping otherwise. My friends don’t understand, they just keep hoping for me. Am I just supposed to be barren? I am sadly and regretfully uncontent at this point. We are pursuing foster care and open to adoption but I want more. I want to hold that precious life to my breast after carrying it in my womb! I just ache and am hopeless!

He knows exactly what you’re going through. The Creator of the universe, the Triune God, knows and He hears your cries. He shows you this in His Holy Word, through the story of His servant, Job, who lived thousands of years before you. “Where then is my hope?!” Job called out, and God heard his hopelessness (Job 17:14). God sees your friends and the lack of support they seem to be giving you, just as He saw Job’s friends and heard his plea to them: “Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!” (Job 19:21).

“Though He slay me…” Job started to tell his friends, admitting again that God is in control of his life (Job 13:15), “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.” Job knows he has no choice. It is God alone who can rescue him from his hopelessness. And what is it that Job realizes he should be hoping for? Does he hope for healing from his physical suffering? A restoration of his wealth? More children to comfort the loss of his family members? Yes, I’m sure he does, but these hopes are not what are revealed to us. The words we do have from him are universal. They apply to not just Job, but to you as well. And to me. This is one of God’s great gifts to us, these words that were written so very long ago, with us in mind:

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another” (Job 19:25-27).

The breasts that long to nurse, the womb that longs to carry–these are part of the “skin” that will eventually be “destroyed”. These maternal experiences, precious though I’m sure they are, pass away quickly. It is so easy to dream them into more than they are, to put our hope in being able to make them our own instead of hoping in the One who has made us His own, and “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20). Yes, Christ did more, and still does more, than we could ever ask for, when He suffered and rose on our behalf to save our souls from being destroyed as well. And our bodies, thanks to this great Atonement, will be recreated and no longer broken as they are now.

King David was yet another biblical figure who wrote about hope. He knew what it was like to lose a child and, like you probably have done, asked the question, “And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?” (Ps. 39:7). But by the power of the Holy Spirit he was able to immediately answer his own question: “My hope is in You.” He, too, worshiped the same Redeemer as Job and looked not so much to earthly deliverance from tragedy, but to his Savior for all eternity. His book of Psalms records the many things in which he placed his hope: God’s Word (Ps. 119:74), the Lord’s salvation (Ps. 119.166), the Lord’s steadfast love (Ps. 147:11). These do not pass away. Menopause or hysterectomies don’t remove them. They remain forever, for you.

And if you feel that it is time to let go of the hope of pregnancy, fear not. There are many hopes left to be had.
“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Cor. 2:9).

Get Ready to GETAWAY!

The Great Getaway is approaching fast, and registration for on-sight attendees is now filled and closed. However, we do have room left for commuting attendees.

Do you crave fellowship with other women who understand what it’s like to be childless or to lose a child? Do you have ethical questions about infertility medicine you’d like to ask a pro-life doctor? Would you enjoy eating decadent desserts prepared by a loving pastor and his wife who just want to spoil you rotten? Do you need a retreat in a beautiful house near a scenic park in historic St. Louis?

Then, you might want to join us this summer for the The Great Getaway on Friday, July 26th through Sunday, July 28th. Retreat details and registration information can be found here.

Children at Birthday Party

A High Five

Remember when this happened?

MP900385754

Well, guess what?

five

Yep, that’s right. God in His wisdom and mercy has blessed our beloved Kristi and her family with another child through adoption. Will you rejoice with us in her family of five, and will you please pray for the Leckbands, for all adoptive families, and for all birthmothers as they love and serve each other through this season of transition and attachment?

I cannot help but ponder this wondrous miracle: through legal adoption, God has blessed the Leckbands with a new son; through Baptismal adoption, God has blessed all of us with a new brother in Christ.

Praise be to God for His good gifts!

Am I Disobeying God?

Judge Shaking FingerQuestion Submitted: I read your posts on to adopt or not to adopt and fake laws. My husband and I are barren but have so far decided not to pursue adoption or doctoring. We are usually content in the callings God has given us in which we serve other people’s children. In spite of this, I sometimes have a gnawing fear that we are disobeying God by not pursuing the good work of parenting. Perhaps God wants to use the adoption agencies or medical doctors to make us parents and we aren’t letting that happen. We are sinners so all our decisions are tainted by sin. Is it really true that “you must try to adopt or seek ethical medical help,” is a fake law?

God does instruct us in His Word to care specifically for the needs of widows and orphans (James 1:27), but that instruction is for all of the Church, not just for the barren.

Still, it is often the consciences of the barren which are burdened by this instruction, so let me take a shot at defining some of the fear and tension you might personally be feeling surrounding the question of whether or not to adopt: You know from God’s Word that He wills for us in marriage to be fruitful and to multiply (Genesis 1:27-8). You know that children are the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between a husband and wife (Psalm 127:3). And, you also know that, for whatever reason, you and your husband have been unable to conceive and bring a child to full health and vitality outside of the womb. So, what now? Is having children a law from God you must obey? Are you obligated to find an alternative method of having and raising children? Do you need to adopt a child to please God?

No.

Adoption is not intrinsic in God’s design of procreation. Adoption is a matter of free will. When a husband and wife are unable to conceive in the one-flesh union, God does not require them by law to adopt children into their family. We know that, in Christ, we are to serve and care for orphans, but adoption is not the only way to care for their needs. In other words, we do not necessarily need to adopt an orphan in order to serve him. There are many ways to serve, even mother, orphans without signing legal paperwork in front of a judge. We can faithfully pray for these children; we can raise awareness and money to help fund their adoptions; we can give clothes, food, and shelter to those who have none; we can serve as foster parents to children waiting to be matched with their forever families; we can be active supporters in the lives of the families in our congregation and community who have already adopted; we can encourage parents to rescue their children currently frozen in fertility clinics; we can lobby for the rights of these children in the political arena; and the list goes on and on. Think about your specific talents and gifts. How can you use those gifts to serve your neighbor?

Adoption is a good thing. The reality is that there are plenty of children who need parents to love them and bring them up in the Faith. Yet, not everyone is called to be parents through adoption, just as not everyone is called to be parents through conception. If you and your husband come to the conclusion that adoption is not the right path for your family, then commend your fear and guilt to Christ’s mercy and pray that God would provide parents for all children in need. Then, go out and serve your neighbor in all peace, joy, and in the full knowledge that Christ has perfectly served you on the cross.

In regards to whether or not to seek more medical attention for your barrenness, you are not required by any law of God to undergo medical treatments in order to conceive a child, and there is no sin in being content with the quiver God has given you today.

“So Ashamed”

Clinical Waiting RoomQuestion Submitted:  I was raised LCMS and have three amazing children, not from IVF or anything, but I have so many friends I have supported through that journey and I was recently struck by a forum where I have LCMS friends in and they started telling a woman that IVF was sinful and some really awful, unchristian things, and I felt very ashamed to be Lutheran in that moment. Now, I can see the destroying embryos and blah blah blah that people get off on and the “frozen kids with no rights.” But, my friends have done IVF in a way that they, and I, believe is God pleasing. They do a cycle a time, only harvest one egg that they make naturally, inseminate it, and put it in, regardless, no testing or anything, it is placed back in the mother’s womb and up to God. Is this such an awful thing? Why would God call physicians to help some of the most brokenhearted people if he didn’t think it was ok? It made my heart heavy tonight for those women and so ashamed of my LCMS sisters. So unforgiving and judgmental.

God calls doctors to diagnose and treat illnesses, not to risk the lives of innocent children for the sake of their parents’ happiness.

For, that is what IVF is. It is a self-serving, child-risking procedure. It creates children apart from the marriage bed – apart from God’s Biblical plan for procreation – not to serve, guard, protect, and save the lives of the children created, but to serve the desires of the parents.

Whether or not children are discarded, frozen, or selectively terminated during the procedure of IVF, parents who attempt to create and implant even one child at a time are still risking someone else’s life for their own happiness. I would be wary of calling this God-pleasing, for nowhere in Scripture does God tell us that we are to risk the lives of our children in order to serve our own needs and desires. Neither does Holy Writ invite us to think that God’s good will for our lives is for us to be happy. Instead, God’s Word reveals that His good will for our lives is for us to be saved through His Son, Christ Jesus, and for us to be faithfully content in what He provides for us.

As a woman who has not been blessed with the gift of children, I know from personal experience that broken-heartedness of which you speak. It is a dark, lonely, terrifying thing to look a life of childlessness in the face, and it is very tempting in that darkness to do whatever it takes to get a child. I am thankful your friends have such a supportive advocate in you, someone who encourages them and defends them in their suffering. However, please do not let your compassion for their childlessness move you to promote IVF in any form.

Remember, for whatever reason, God in His wisdom has not given your friends the gift of children through the one-flesh union, and attempting implantation of any number of children in a barren womb is statistically going to fail up to 70.6% of the time. (Just to be clear, that failure means the death of whole, already created, living children.) Advocating for IVF is more than just rooting for the 29.4% hope that your friends will be parents; it is also, by default, rooting for the larger, sadder statistic that children will be created simply to die.

If your friends still have a burning desire to be parents, why not encourage them to adopt? Not only is adoption a Biblically supported means of parentage, but it also serves the lives, needs, and desires of both the children and the parents. This, I believe, we can say with confidence is God-pleasing.