Grief

The Book Is Now Available!

Now available through Lutheran Legacy!

Order your print copy here.

He Remembers the Barren by Katie Schuermann is a tender conversation with women in the church who wrestle with the issue of barrenness in marriage. Addressing questions frequently asked by those struggling with infertility, the author walks alongside the reader, relaying personal stories to both encourage and support those who are suffering. Issues such as control of our bodies, family planning, and the source of conception are examined through a theological lens, reminding the reader of her clear vocation in Christ and pointing her to the ultimate source of fruitfulness, vitality, and comfort, our Triune God.

With Psalm readings, beloved hymn texts, and collects penned by Dcs. Melissa A. Degroot, each chapter of He Remembers the Barren resonates on a devotional level that is pitch perfect for women struggling with the grief and shame which often accompany barrenness. This book also serves as a valuable resource for pastors, family members, and friends seeking to better understand the barren experience of a loved one.

John T. Pless, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Ministry at Concordia Theological Seminary and respected commentator on Christian ethics, has this to say about the book: “This is a book that is about Christ who alone is the source of our joy and hope, our life and peace. Katie does not hold out a Jesus who will fix the problem of barrenness but a Jesus whose favor for sinners reaches to the very depths of our being. As Katie so aptly puts it, fulfillment is found not in the womb but in Christ. Writing with tenderness and a realism shaped by the cross, Katie makes a lively use of the Gospel to draw her sisters away from the temptations to self-pity and despair to the sure and certain promises of the Son of God recorded in the Scriptures and proclaimed in sermon and sacrament. Only in Christ is there true contentment.”

The Difference

I recently had the joy of spending a few days this summer in the home of my dear friend in South Dakota. From dawn ‘til dusk, my friend’s five, little blessings ran around in baseball caps and tutus (sometimes at the same time) alternately playing doctor, reading books, putting together puzzles, working in the garden, and “helping” Mommy. My friend’s home is delightful chaos, and I found myself basting in the youthful commotion until my barren-weariness was good and tenderized from all of the love and attention.

I stayed long enough to need a load of laundry done, and my friend generously offered me the use of her washer and dryer. I popped down to her basement with my laundry bag in hand, and I almost tripped over my own dropped jaw at the sight of her laundry room floor.

There, sitting in an organized row, were six, full laundry baskets. Six! Upon closer inspection, I noticed that some of the laundry baskets even had extra baskets stacked underneath them. I counted them all. Sixteen. My friend owns sixteen laundry baskets!

All of those blessings running around upstairs obviously came with some dirty, back-breaking responsibility. Their life of playing and growing and learning resulted in my friend needing more laundry baskets than I have fingers on my hands. The term “mountain of laundry” took on a whole new meaning for me. I looked down at my wimpy lavender and lime green polka-dotted laundry bag and felt kind of embarrassed at its meager size.

I went upstairs and asked my friend, “Do you ever use all of those laundry baskets at the same time?”

She blushed. “Yes. Don’t tease me!”

“Um, that doesn’t warrant teasing. That warrants a maid!”

Here is the difference: I yearn for more laundry, and my friend yearns for less. I crave a little more chaos, and she craves a little more privacy. We can see the blessings and the burdens in each others lives. What a gift it is to know and trust that God in His wisdom and love gives both of us good gifts, and what a privilege it is to pray for each other and support one another in the body of Christ.

I hope my friend can come visit me in Dallas. I think she will be refreshed by the quiet and solitude of my home, just as I was refreshed by the perpetual, snuggly motion in her own. Though I may leave my laundry room door closed when she comes…

The Importance of Listening

Maybe you can relate. When I am grieving over my childlessness, I don’t want someone to explain away my grief. I also don’t want someone to offer practical solutions to my pain. I usually just want someone to listen.

When discussing this fact with my husband this afternoon, he drew my attention to the following excerpt on the importance of listening for the consolation of the brethren from Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together:

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians…so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.

…There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person. This is no fulfillment of our obligation, and it is certain that here too our attitude toward our brother only reflects our relationship to God…But Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God.” *

Amen.

* (Bonhoeffer, Dietrich, Life Together. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc., 1954. pgs, 97-9.)

Gone So Soon


Death is a grievous disruption of the eternal life God has always  intended for His creation. So inarguably, the death of children most heinously depicts a world gone wrong. The robbery from raising and nurturing our little ones due to their untimely deaths (via miscarriage, stillbirth or otherwise) leaves parents seemingly mocked by Satan with this barrenness.

Just ask my sister-in-law, Sara.

Young and hopeful, Sara and her husband, David, began their marriage on May 25, 2002 like most Christian families; enjoying the gift of each other and looking forward to the days ahead where God might grant them children. And grant them He did. 

In January 2005, Sara discovered she was pregnant. Excitement naturally abounded in their family, but sadly, a few short weeks in, she suffered a miscarriage. They named this baby Emma.

The following year, Sara became pregnant again. However, the miscarriage occurred even earlier than the first. They named that baby Lily.

Less than a year later, Sara conceived in December 2006. She’d made it past the first trimester much to her relief. However, the nightmarish pattern once more descended, and the baby miscarried shortly thereafter. They named this child Joshua.

Sadness, confusion and helplessness understandably overshadowed Sara and David.

After three miscarriages in less than three years, Sara sought the advice of other doctors. Then one physician, Dr. Storey, discovered Sara was borderline Protein C deficient. This means blood clots a little too much, which causes insufficient circulation to what her system considers “unnecessary” parts of her body—including her uterus. Also, Dr. Storey told her she likely has Luteal Phase Defect; which means her body does not produce enough progesterone during the first trimester to force the body to stay pregnant.

When Sara conceived again for the fourth time in 2008, they were cautiously hopeful as her doctor prepared a specific treatment plan. Sara followed strict orders of minimal-to-no exercise, a baby aspirin to thin out her blood, and progesterone during the first trimester. She ever-so-anxiously nurtured their fourth child en-utero, and Hannah Lynn was born happy and healthy nine months later on December 13, 2008.

Finally, a child was born! Relieved and joyful, Sara and David were ever thankful to finally hold one of their children in their arms. So, when Sara conceived for the fifth time a mere 13 months later, back to Dr. Storey she went to care for this baby, too.

The first and second trimesters went very well. Adhering to the doctor’s orders, their fifth child–a boy they named Carter–was growing steadily and healthily. However, things took a turn for the unimaginable in her 35th week.

A baby shower on August 27, 2009 (Five weeks before the due date) lent itself to mixed emotions. Sara had had a doctor’s appointment three days earlier that affirmed Carter was fine, and yet, she hadn’t felt him move much at all that day. Sara went through the motions of the celebration, but was very preoccupied. The following morning, she called the doctor to schedule another visit. She didn’t even tell David, thinking her fears were getting the best of her. Unfortunately, it was one of  their darkest days that would follow several more. The visit confirmed that tragically, Carter Alan’s heart was no longer beating. Later that same day, they induced labor and beheld his perfect, still little body in the early morning hours of August 29, 2009.  Doctors discovered that the umbilical cord had become wrapped and tangled around his legs, which had cut off all blood and oxygen supply.

Even in the midst of such heartache and grief, Sara conceived a few months later, and they were blessed with a sixth child, Abigail Faith, born happy and healthy in September 2010.

Suffice it to say, the trauma of Carter’s death is, among all of their losses, a distinct grief still observed. Going through a pregnancy nearly full-term (where, in many cases, babies survive with medical care after week 28), enduring the labor pains and recovery, and dreading the reality that they would only be able to hold the shell—a perfect shell—of the son they once had, has been the source of much sorrow to this day. 

*****

Luther suffered the loss of a child–a daughter, Magdalena, when she was only twelve years old. What is so striking in his writings proceeding her death is his immediate, unshakeable confidence (“I rejoice that she is living with her Father in sweet sleep until that Day.1”), and pangs of melancholy that he remained here on earth. (“ ...the world’s contempt and hatred for the Word of Grace makes me disgusted with life and seeing anything in this horrible Sodom.2”).

Incidentally, Sara and David seem to have responded in kind. Sara shared with me two passages of Scripture that have comforted them since Carter’s death.

“People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18: 15-17

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5: 3-5

What bittersweet joy the unshakeable confidence God has given Sara and David in the midst of such tragedies. It is truly a gift borne solely out of God’s Word–namely the Word-made-flesh, Jesus; who has called all believers out of darkness and into his marvelous light. It is Jesus who gives us faith. It is Jesus who gives us hope.  And.it is Jesus who beckons the little children –yes, Emma, Lily, Joshua and Carter–unto him into eternity. Just as God told Jeremiah He knew him before he was formed in the womb, (Jer. 1:5) so too, God knows all of His children! 

God remembers the Janes family and continueally abides with them as He does all His people, through His means of grace.  Trudging this weary, earthly trail together, God gives us the strength to carry on to our blessed ends and to bear each other’s burdens (Luke 5:6). If readers would like to contact Sara, she has offered her email address: wyjanes@gmail.com.

The Gift of Compassion

Just a couple days after my miscarriage in 2009, a dear friend sent me a small package containing a handwritten note and a prism hanging on a string. This is a women who cares for a full house and has plenty of excuses for not reaching out to every person in need, but somehow she managed to promptly find and send me a beautiful gift and a message that I will treasure for years. She wrote:

Dear Rebecca,

My heart is broken for you. We have all been robbed, and no one more than you, Ben and Caleb. How strange to think there could be a bosom even more perfect for your baby than your own.

Someday, when our tears have been wiped away and all is made new, we will see a brilliant and beautiful person who could only be the child of Benjamin and Rebecca, and we will finally hold and know and marvel at your baby. Until then, here is something that could never approximate that beauty and brilliance. We are all poor icons of what is real. So I hope that even what feeble light it can refract for you will bring you joy.

I pray that the Lord would allow me to somehow be there for others at just the right time with just the right words, as this dear friend was able to be there for me. If there’s nothing else that we learn from this journey of barrenness, let us at least learn true compassion and empathy.

A Father’s Grief for His Barren Daughter

Barrenness affects everyone in our families, possibly no one more than our parents. In our barrenness, they, too, are barren. My father lovingly penned this, and he gave me permission to post it for all the other dads out there who may be grieving for their barren daughters. He wants you to know that you are not alone.

“Father of the Tried” by Bob Roley

I have just been sitting here looking at the picture on the cover of the book He Remembers the Barren. Such a haunting picture that seems to cut clean to your soul. How much pain must be associated with barrenness and the loneliness that follows? How can you console someone with such grief as depicted in that picture?

Since I am a man of 60+ years with married children and grandchildren, you would think that I would not find this such a haunting subject. I come from a large family with many brothers and sisters, and my mom comes from a large family. As a result, I have several aunts, uncles, and cousins. I remember growing up and realizing that several of my cousins were adopted, but, being young and living in an era when no one really talked about that kind of stuff, I had no idea why. I am now much more knowledgeable about problems of infertility and what kind of an impact they have had on my aunts, sisters, nieces, and, yes, my daughters. I am also very aware that those medical issues may have been passed down through my mother’s side of the family.

So, why am I haunted by my daughter’s book and the picture on the front of it? My daughters, who have been the pride of my life and for whom I would gladly die, are now faced with this pain. Even those with children suffer along with the ones who can’t have children. We have had so many years of fun times, family outings, adventures, and just the joy of being together, and we still do. So, why must such near-perfect times be strained by such pain? Is this all my fault?

I am no theologian, no great Lutheran thinker, not even a good Christian, but I do know this: Sin is the problem, and God has taken care of that for me. I keep remembering the part in C.S. Lewis’s book, Till We Have Faces, where the main character wants to ask God all these questions, and, when she finally gets to stand before God, all she can do is look at His face and realize that before Him there are no questions.

I look forward to the day I get to stand before God as one of His children and realize there are no more questions.

The Tentatio of Family Plans

Understatement of the world: Life is hard.

We’re constantly warring against the devil, our sinful flesh and non-Christian views.  And we lose most of the time. No. . .apart from Christ, every time.

So is it any wonder why barren Christian couples worry and despair? Or those who’ve miscarried, delivered stillborns, or await seemingly endless months and years to adopt?  Life is hard. And with no guarantees of receiving children, longsuffering, it seems, becomes a part of who we are.

“Wait.” you might posit, “What about the good times of life? The feelings and states of contentment, peace and well-being?”  And you’d be good to ask that.  After all, even though we suffer, God is gracious to bestow on us these gifts, too.  However, our ability to recognize God’s many gifts might not be in the way we’d expect.

Luther points out that the devil and his enemies draw us ever closer to God. You read that correctly. . .the devil AND his enemies. He called it tentatio, or, spiritual affliction, trial, and temptation, which actually aids to drive us away from our selves and to God’s promises alone.

In Luther’s personal struggles against the Roman Catholic Church he stated his gratitude for his enemies: “For I myself…must be very thankful to my papists for pummeling, pressing, and terrifying me; that is, for making me a fairly good theologian, for otherwise I would not have become one…”(Doberstein, 288).

Today, those who would question us couples on our family size, or causes for why you and your spouse might be in the state you’re in is not a far cry from what Luther is talking about here.  These outside pressures and our own thoughts seem to constantly attack us; that is, until we realize that the blessing of children is simply not in our hands. And, by these very assaults, right theology begins to take shape.

Luther goes on to say that even the devil is of much use to our souls’ well-being:

“The devil is used by God against his own evil purpose. “As soon as a person meditates and is occupied with God’s Word; as soon as God’s Word begins to take root in and grow in him, the devil harries him with much conflict, bitter contradiction, and blatant opposition. But these assaults (Anfechtungen) prove to be spiritually counterproductive, for by driving him to the end of his tether, they teach him ‘to seek and love God’s Word’ as the source of all his strength and being. In such a situation of temptation, he experiences for himself the power and truth of God’s Word. Temptation turns the student of God’s Word into a real theologian, because it exercises and reinforces his faith in Christ. He experiences the power of God’s Word in his own weakness. Paradoxically, he sees the presence of God and his grace most fully displayed under its apparent negation in adversity and trouble. Because he bears the word of Christ in himself, he must also bear the cross for it. But, as he bears his own cross, he gets to know himself and Christ whose glory was revealed by his death on the cross.” (Kleinig, “The Kindled Heart”, 147).

It should be no surprise that in weakness we find strength.  Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ demonstrated that on the cross for our salvation.  As Christ not only claims our souls but OUR BODIES in baptism, we are new creations that bear witness to the redemption of the world. Especially and EVEN as we suffer.  Barreness, miscarraige, stillbirth, adoption difficulties become our crosses. But they are also our blessings that drive us straight to Jesus.

What consolation we have! That no matter what afflictions we endure, the Holy Spirit is tirelessly drawing us unto Christ through God’s Word and our baptisms, which proclaim “NO” to death,the devil, and our sins and “YES” to forgiveness, life eternal and salvation through Jesus.

Moreso, how much closer a God can we have when we partake of Him each Lord’s Day in His Supper?  The very body and blood of Christ given and shed for us for the forgiveness of our sins and strengthening of our faith?  This truly is the peace that passes all understanding.

Life IS hard. And this side of heaven, it will not relent.  Nevertheless, as we trudge this weary trail together, God is making us theologians of His cross, so that we might be consoled to life everlasting; whereby in our death, tentatio will die, every tear will be wiped away, and we will live with Him in everlasting peace and blessedness.  Thanks be to the ever living, Triune God!

Works Cited:

Kleinig, John. “The Kindled Heart” Lutheran Theological Journal (August-November 1 9 86), 142- 154.

Notes on “Pastoral Formation: Oratio, Meditation, Tentatio,” by Professor John T. Pless found here: http://alts.edu/Assets/PASTORAL%20FORMATION%20-%20Oratio%20%20Meditatio%20%20Tentatio%20(with%20lecture%20notes%20added).pdf

For further reading, click Resources tab on this site.

How Long, O Lord?

Do you remember, when as a child, you kept waiting for Christmas to come?  Perhaps you counted down to the last day of school.  You counted every day and knew when the last bell would ring, welcoming the start of summer break.  Sometimes the wait seemed extremely lengthy, but you knew there was an end in sight.  When couples discover they are going to have a baby, the countdown calendar is on.

It sure would be nice if the adoption process worked that way, too.  The sad truth is that it doesn’t.  When you pursue the adoption path, you are getting on a long ride.  You have no idea if the wait will be short or long.  You have no idea whether or not you will ever receive a child.  Thus, you wait.  And you wait.  And you wait some more.

The same is true of the married couple wanting to have a baby.  There is no guarantee of a baby.  However, they wait and hope and pray.

What’s a person to do during this exceedingly long stage?  Do I wallow in self-pity?  Do I become angry at the girls who have babies all the time and don’t even want them?  Do I lock myself away from all new moms?  Do I wonder when I will get to have something good happen to me? 

The long wait (since January 2006) has helped me to see God provides all good things to me ALREADY.  I have been born into a Christian family that knew that I needed my sinful thoughts removed in the gift of holy baptism.  I am married to a loving husband, who carries the load of barrenness with me.  I have been blessed with friends who walk this difficult road and share tears with me.  When God made me His child, He gave me abundant blessings right then and there.  I didn’t have to mark the days off on a calendar, waiting for God’s blessings to come to me.  I received them at my baptism.

God has created the world and all within it.  He cares for the sparrow and knows the very hairs on our heads.  He knows all things about me, and loves me anyway!  He cares for me, and He cares for you, my dear friend in Christ.  He loves you!

And so I can talk about barrenness and not feel like I’m less of a person than the unwed teenage mom or the family that already has their quiver full and another one the way.  God has given me so many good things.  On my knees, with tears in my eyes, I realized that God has taken care of me in multiple ways.  Whether or not I am able to mother another child – that doesn’t matter.  I am valuable in God’s eyes. If God should see fit to grow my family, then I am blessed even more abundantly.  If God deigns that my family is complete in its current form, then I am blessed abundantly.  I have God’s goodness ALREADY.

Why We Suffer

The Israelites are finally rescued from Egyptian oppression by their God, led out of Egypt and heading towards the promised land where the living will be easy. But then they run into some rather unpleasant circumstances. The supply of food runs out, there’s no water, and they’re getting impatient. This trip isn’t what they expected, nor is this how they foresaw their prayers being answered. This God isn’t who they thought He was.

The Jews in Jerusalem witness the triumphant entry of the man who they know has come to deliver them from Roman tyranny. He has exhibited his power over sickness and demons. He has put scribes and pharasees in their place. He zealously wielded a whip around the temple courtyard, driving out the money changers. He seems invincible—that is until word gets out that he was arrested. The sight of him being dragged around in chains and his unwillingness to speak up for himself when accused is simply pathetic. A true savior would never take this kind of treatment. This man isn’t who they thought he was.

The barren woman experiences the same realizations that these biblical figures did. We have the same initial expectations. “God is a gracious God and He has promised to rescue me in times of trouble, so here I am, hand outstretched for the life preserver. I’m ready Lord … any day now … I know You’re coming. Hello? Can you hear me?” And yet the Rescuer does not arrive. This isn’t the kind of treatment we expected from our God.

If there’s one thing that suffering teaches a person it is this: God is not who you thought He was. I don’t care if you were baptized the moment you emerged from the womb and intensely indoctrinated in the Holy Scriptures, the Small Catechism, and the Augsburg Confession from kindergarten on, there is simply no better teaching tool about who God is than personal suffering. Our Lutheran fathers in the faith called this teaching the “Theology of the Cross.”  It is the realization that the Christian life will include various sufferings and we will each, at some point in our lives, carry crosses of our own, though some bigger than others.

By our very natures we seek to live lives according to the opposite teaching, the  “Theology of Glory,” where we only experience God’s glorious blessings, peace, and harmony each and every day, shunning any experience that might require some pain, patience, or self-denial. The desire for the “good life” is not evil by any means, but the rejection and avoidance of the Father’s loving discipline is a rejection of God Himself and all that He has planned for us.

In my recent search for the meaning behind the trials and tribulations God sends to His children, my scholarly husband pointed me to Divine Providence and Human Suffering by James Walsh, S.J., and P.G. Walsh (published by Spring Arbor Distributors). This is a collection of essays by our fathers in the faith which address numerous topics related to suffering. I was particularly drawn to the essay called The Twelve Advantages of Tribulations by Peter of Blois, a pastor from the 12th century. I want to share with you a summary of his comments and some thought-provoking quotes from the essay.

1. Through tribulation God seeks to deliver our souls from our enemies, which include “false joys and deceitful prosperity in this world.” It also “prunes our hearts to rid it of superfluous love for earthly goods so we might bear spiritual fruit” (p. 144).

2. Tribulation refines and strengthens our hearts, just as a sword is cleaned and filed in order to stay sharp. “[I]n the same way the human heart, without being exercised by tribulation, gathers rust” (p. 146).

3. Tribulation drives us to confession, so that we can properly see ourselves and our miserable state and understand our desperate need for a Savior (p. 148).

4. Tribulation causes your prayers to be heard by God: “The Lord will listen to the entreaty of the wounded” (Eccl 35:16). In times of good fortune we can get lazy in our worship. God often causes suffering so that, unlike this, our suffering will force us to call upon Him (p. 159).

5. Tribulation is evidence of God’s love for you, as stated in Rev. 3:19: “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” Blois says, “So if you wish to be loved by God, dear soul, do not reject the tribulations which reveal to you the proof of divine love. … [E]ndure your tribulation now with Christ, so that you may in the end win a crown in the kingdom of heaven. As the Apostle says, ‘We must enter the kingdom of heaven only by many tribulations’ (Acts 14:21)” (pp. 161-162).

In addition to the above reminders of why tribulations come our way, Blois asks the reader to look at her own suffering and compare it to what our Lord Jesus Christ was willing to endure on our behalf.  The church-goer who has lived a carefree life without many trials may very well rush through the words of the Apostles Creed, “He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell.” The Christian who carries her own small cross will carefully reflect upon these words, for she has been given a glimpse of the pain that paid for her sin and is more acutely aware of the gravity of our Lord’s sacrifice. The connection that is made between our suffering and His helps us more clearly see who He really is—a God who will do whatever it takes to help His children remember Him, call upon Him and rely on His providence alone.

I leave you with a final word from Blois who, some 800 years after his death, has been able to paint such a vivid picture in my mind of Christ’s love for me that I don’t believe I can ever look at my pain the same way again.

So realize, O soul, that it is the custom of lovers to send letters to each other, and to remind each other of the welcome and reciprocated kindnesses shown to each other, and to fear that these may be forgotten. This is why your lover Jesus Christ has visited tribulation on you… . Realize, then, that Jesus has kept the scars of his wounds which he endured for you as keepsakes. … So Christ himself says: “I shall not forget you; I have graven you on the palms of my hands” (Isah. 49:16), that is, “When I was stretched on the cross for love of you.” So if Christ has kept the scars of his wounds as keepsakes, do not be angry if he sends tribulations on you to make you mindful of him. (p. 149)