How to Care for the Barren

Should I Ask?

Question Submitted: There is a woman in my church who I think is having trouble conceiving. It seems like she doesn’t talk to anyone about it. Should I try to talk to her? How do I bring up the topic? 

First of all, thank you for caring for this woman in your church. You are compassionate to be concerned about her well-being, and I admire you for seeking out advice on how to talk to her about her possible struggles with barrenness.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: never talk to a woman about barrenness in public. Avoid asking her any questions about such private matters while walking into church, during the Sunday school coffee hour, before or after meetings, while waiting in the buffet line at a wedding reception, during rehearsals, or while attending women’s social events. You get the picture. If the woman is indeed barren, she most likely will have strong, uncontrollable emotions that are stirred when discussing childlessness. Having those emotions on display in public can be both distressing and embarrassing for her, so please love and protect her by helping her to avoid such public outbursts.

In fact, if the only time you see and interact with this woman is in public places, there is a good chance you two might not have a close enough relationship for you to ask such a personal question in the first place. If this is the case, try getting to know her in other ways. When you see her at church, start asking her other friendly questions like, “How was your week? Where did you grow up? What do you like to do for fun?” As you get to know her better, maybe you two will start developing a friendship that leads to spending more time together outside of the usual church social setting. When she starts coming over to your house for a cup of coffee, that is an example of a setting when it would be appropriate to ask her about her childlessness.

And, when/if that time comes, please be ready to listen to her, cry with her, and pray for her. Your patient ear, supportive presence, and faith in God’s promises are the friendliest gifts you can give.

Gift Language

There is an eerie silence that surrounds the topic of barrenness in the church today. All of us are afraid to talk about it, and, in my humble opinion, it is because we have abandoned the use of “gift language” in the body of Christ.

Rarely do we talk about children as God defines them in the Bible, using His words of “heritage, fruit, blessing, reward.” Instead, we refer to children as the world does, adopting cultural phrases like “family planning, baby machine, reproduction, fertility science.” By our language alone, we suggest to each other that children are something to be planned for and controlled.

Blech.

This “control language” is a waste of breath in the church, because it isn’t true. It isn’t God’s language. It doesn’t come from His Word. It is something we humans have made up in an attempt to explain and define and harness that which remains mysterious and untamed. “Control language” falls short every time. Family planning? My family isn’t working out the way I planned. Baby machine? Mine didn’t come with a warranty, and I’m still trying to figure out the return policy on this thing. Reproduction? It’s procreation, dude. Fertility science? With a 33% success rate of implantation in IVF, even fertility’s most exact science can’t give me a baby 67% of the time.

That’s why you, Church, are afraid to talk to me. The world has given you faulty language that fails to deliver truth, comfort, or babies. Give me God’s “gift language” every time. Remind me that children are a heritage from the Lord, a gift from Him that is received. And when I get mad that God has not yet given me the gift of children, keep watch with me in my grief and use some more of God’s “gift language.” Tell me about the gift of salvation won for me by Christ on the cross and applied to me in my baptism. Tell me about the gift of God’s Word which creates and sustains my faith in Him. Tell me about the gift of Christ’s Body and Blood given to me at the altar every Sunday for my benefit. And when I still grieve at my childlessness, gently remind me that God gives other good gifts in this life (fellowship, recreation, music, food, education, etc.), not just the gift of children.

So, don’t be afraid. Come up and talk to me. Just, please, leave all of that “control language” out in the world where it belongs and, instead, talk to me about the good gifts we share in Christ. I will try to do the same for you.

No Bus for Me

Comment Submitted: I turn 44 this month, and all I can do is cry. I feel, as a barren woman, like everyone has caught their bus in life, and I am alone at the bus stop with no bus for me. I tremble at the thought for the rest of my life I have to hear the words, “How many kids do you have?” and that I have to  mumble, “None,” with a lump in my throat – for the rest of my life! I am a Christian who loves God and often wonder why He left me out. 

My dear sister, do not hold back the tears. Your barrenness is one way that creation groans in response to the disease of sin (Romans 8:22-23), and it is unfair and painful and confusing. Of course you feel left out! Though, it is not God who has left you out but the messed-up, miserable ways of this fallen world.

Here is the hard truth: Outside of giving you the Child Jesus to save you from your sin, God has never promised in His Word to give you a child of your own.

Yet, God promises you so much more, and – joy of all joys! – He keeps His promises. God promises to love you (John 3:16, Romans 5:8); God promises to save you from your sin (Matthew 1:20-21, Mark 16:16, Romans 6); God promises in baptism to adopt you into His family and make you an heir of heaven (Galatians 3:26-4:7); God promises to never leave you but to faithfully come to you in church through the reading of His Word and in the Holy Supper (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 18:20, Exodus 20:24b, John 1:1, Matthew 26:26-29); God promises to provide all that you need to support this body and life (Matthew 6:30-32 and 10: 29-31, Colossians 1:17); and God promises to work all things, even your barrenness, for your eternal good (Romans 8:28).

Sometimes in our grief and suffering, even though we know and trust in these promises of God, it can still feel like God has abandoned us. Thankfully, God’s love and care for us exists apart from how we feel. God is present, whether we feel Him or not, because He promises never to leave us (Hebrews 13:5).

On those inevitable days when your flesh deceives you and makes you doubt the presence of God, remember that you cannot increase your faith of your own doing. Faith is a work of the Holy Spirit within us through the blessed means of His Word. It is for this very reason that I urge you to be in church regularly and to go talk with your pastor about your suffering. Let Him speak those faith-increasing Words of God into your ears, so that you may be truly comforted and strengthened unto life everlasting.

“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord – how long?
Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?
I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.” (Psalm 6:2-9, ESV)

The Importance of Listening

Maybe you can relate. When I am grieving over my childlessness, I don’t want someone to explain away my grief. I also don’t want someone to offer practical solutions to my pain. I usually just want someone to listen.

When discussing this fact with my husband this afternoon, he drew my attention to the following excerpt on the importance of listening for the consolation of the brethren from Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together:

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians…so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.

…There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person. This is no fulfillment of our obligation, and it is certain that here too our attitude toward our brother only reflects our relationship to God…But Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God.” *

Amen.

* (Bonhoeffer, Dietrich, Life Together. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc., 1954. pgs, 97-9.)

Words to Memorize

Other than the Lord’s Prayer, I can think of no better prayer for the barren woman to have engraved in her heart than the collect for the fifth Sunday after Trinity. I have pledged to memorize it myself this week so that it might be quickly recalled during those moments of heartache. It beautifully refocuses our desires to that which will never disappoint us.

O God, You have prepared for those who love You good things that surpass all understanding. Pour into our hearts such love toward You that we, loving You above all things, may obtain Your promises, which exceed all that we can desire; through Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Adoption Guilt

Question Submitted: I had been feeling alone in my guilt over my lack of drive to get into the adoption process now that it has been 6 years since my husband and I started trying to have children, with no success. I realize now that I am not alone in my guilt over what I feel is selfishness. The other day a woman who, along with her husband, are in the same boat as us, said the exact thing to me that I have been thinking, “I feel selfish for not adopting.” I told her that we would need forgiveness no matter what decision we make for our situations. Maybe we are not meant to adopt, and THAT would be the wrong decision. Either way, we pray for forgiveness and know that we have that forgiveness in Christ. I say this, and I know this, but I don’t always REMEMBER this. Have you heard from others talk of guilt over not diving head first into the adoption process? Are others paralyzed with fear over it as I am, or not motivated to adopt, as I may also be?

You and me both, sister.

I feel all kinds of guilt: guilt for having a womb that bears no fruit, guilt for not making my husband a father, guilt for not making my parents grandparents, guilt for not having a family that looks like that of my friends, guilt for not being worthy to receive a red carnation on Mother’s Day, and the list goes on and on.

I have earned the rank of Eagle Scout in guilt.

So, let me take a shot at defining the guilt and tension you might be feeling surrounding the question of whether or not to adopt: You know from God’s Word that He wills for us in marriage to be fruitful and to multiply (Genesis 1:27-8). You know that children are the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between a husband and wife (Psalm 127:3). And, you also know that, for whatever reason, you and your husband have been unable to procreate. So, what now? Is having children a law from God you must obey?* Are you obligated to find an alternative method of having and raising children? Do you need to adopt a child to please God?

No.

Adoption is not intrinsic in God’s design of procreation. Adoption is a matter of free will. When a husband and wife are unable to conceive in the one-flesh union, God does not require them by law to adopt children into their family. If a husband and wife decide they would like to adopt, that is great. If a husband and wife decide they would not like to adopt, then that is great, too.

I think a big source of our guilt surrounding the question of adoption stems from the conviction that, in Christ, we are to serve our neighbor. God’s Word even compels us to care specifically for the needs of widows and orphans. However, adoption is not the only way to care for those needs. In other words, we do not need to adopt our neighbor in order to serve him. There are many ways to serve, even mother, our neighbor without signing legal paperwork in front of a judge. We can faithfully pray for the children in our church. We can help a single mother (or pastor’s wife!) wrangle her children in the pew week after week. We can serve as godmothers to precious saints. We can bake cookies for Vacation Bible School and make baptismal banners for our brothers and sisters in Christ. We can teach Sunday school and lead the children’s choir. We can attend the local ballgames and cheer on our favorite little people. We can babysit the children of our friends for free on a Friday night so that they can have a much-needed date night. We can buy Christmas presents for underprivileged children. We can write a check to financially support a seminarian’s family. (You and I could spend all day brainstorming ideas.) Think about your specific talents and gifts. How can you use those gifts to serve your neighbor?

Another source of guilt surrounding the question of adoption can come from wanting to please others. How many times have you confided in a friend, family member, or acquaintance that you are barren only to be immediately told, “You should adopt”? Suddenly, you feel like you are supposed to adopt simply because the world thinks you should. Yet, the fullness of our quivers has never been determined by the expectations of others. Children are a heritage from the Lord, gifts to be given and determined by Him, not by your circle of friends. In fact, children are still a heritage from the Lord, whether those children are birthed or adopted. Even if you choose to adopt a child, even if you begin the paperwork and make it through the home study, you will still only be given (or not given) a child according to our Lord’s perfect will and in His perfect time. [Kristi and Rebecca have both written eloquently about this in their respective posts, More Paperwork and Thy Will Be Done…(but what is it?).]

It helps me in those moments of societal pressure to remember that most of those well-meaning people simply want to see me happy, and adoption – to them – seems like the easiest and simplest way of making me a mother in my barrenness.

Now, about that guilt. What are you to do with it? Pastor Schuermann wants me to tell you this:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.” Psalm 103: 10-14

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Adoption is a good thing. The reality is that there are plenty of children who need parents to love them and bring them up in the Faith. Yet, not everyone is called to be parents through adoption, just as not everyone (because of barrenness) is called to be parents through conception. If you and your husband come to the conclusion that adoption is not the right path for your family, then let go of your guilt and pray that God would provide parents for all children in need. Then, go out and serve your neighbor in all peace, joy, and in the full knowledge that Christ has perfectly served you on the cross.

* This is not dismissing the reality of procreation as a part of marriage. Avoidance of procreation in marriage raises other issues that are outside of this discussion.

Hymns to Chase Away the Harmful Spirit

One night was worse than all of the others. I honestly can’t even remember very much of it anymore. It is as if the pain and darkness of my own grief was so pungent that my brain has blocked all sensory memory of the experience.

I do remember that my cries felt different. No, they were moans, not cries.  I had lost control of them. They rose unbidden from the center of my gut, and they came without ceasing, one perfect messa di voce after another.

I was staring my barrenness in the face, and my stomach vomited moans.

I thought to myself, “This is despair.”

I remember that my husband looked at me differently that night. He recognized the harmful spirit. No tender touches would chase it away. No platitudes of earthly comfort would suffice. He simply reached for the hymnal and began to sing:

“Why should cross and trial grieve me?
Christ is near
With His cheer;
Never will He leave me.
Who can rob me of the heaven
That God’s Son
For me won
When His life was given?

When life’s troubles rise to meet me,
Though their weight
May be great,
They will not defeat me.
God, my loving Savior, sends them;
He who knows
All my woes
Knows how best to end them.

God gives me my days of gladness,
And I will
Trust Him still
When He sends me sadness.
God is good; His love attends me
Day by day,
Come what may,
Guides me and defends me.” *

My husband had no lyre that night, but his singing was a David to my Saul. Hymn after hymn he sang, boldly proclaiming the Word of God in our home and swinging that powerful sword of Spirit to chase the Devil from our door.

And, as my husband – my warrior! – sang those Gospel Words of light and life into my own ears, my shield of faith was strengthened. The flaming darts of the devil were extinguished. My moans ceased.

* Lutheran Service Book 756 “Why Should Cross and Trial Grieve Me?” (Text: Paul Gerhardt, 1607-76; tr. Christian Worship, 1993, sts. 1-3)