How to Care for the Barren

A Quandary

IMG_1508Question Submitted: This past fall my son’s kindergarten teacher and fellow military wife (my husband is an LC-MS Navy chaplain) shared with me their many years-long wait for a child which includes fertility treatment and heartbreaking disappointments of domestic adoption. The down right awfulness of the Fall is evident in the fact that this wonderful woman has no child of her own. I cannot tell you how much this grieves me. I sob on a regular basis, and I do not think it would have hit me as hard had I not been familiar with your blog. I am a mom of three including one who is a baby. In fact, I nursed my newborn as she told me her story. 

She is such a fantastic teacher, and I can see by the way she teaches and interacts with children that she will be a wonderful mother, given the chance. She shares in my joy of my children, eagerly hearing my stories of all the funny things they say.

So here we are on the eve of Mother’s Day. For a few weeks, as I saw MD coming, I wondered if I should give her a card telling her that I remember her on MD. I knew my son would be coming home with a hand-made MD present that she would have planned weeks in advance and lovingly helped him make. I thought about asking you what you thought. I’ve read your posts about people saying what makes THEM feel better rather than what makes the barren woman feel better, and I do not want to make my grief hers. I want to tell her that I know MD is hard while you are still waiting and that scarcely a day goes by that I do not pray for her and her husband that they might be given the gift of parenthood. There was a beautiful and ridiculously expensive card at Target, blank inside where I could say what I want. BUT, I chickened out at the last minute. I was afraid that instead of offering comfort, I would be pouring salt in her wounds. 

My son forgot something in her classroom on Friday, so he and I and the baby went back in to get it. We chatted for a few minutes as we always do, and then as we were leaving I said, “Have a good weekend,” and she said with a smile, “Have a good Sunday.” It’s been killing me all weekend. I knew what she meant. She meant “Have a good Mother’s Day,” but she said Sunday instead. 

So, should I write her that card? Should I say something in person or just keep praying?

Yes to all three!

Your even asking this question highlights the awkward, social conundrum of Mother’s Day. No matter how much we want to turn the Woodrow Wilson-endorsed holiday into a politically correct celebration of all women, Mother’s Day really is intended just for the celebration of mothers. No matter how beautiful and sincere our intentions, sending cards, flowers, and greetings to barren women on the second Sunday of May is a clunky piece of work. It points out the obvious, and the obvious is painful.

Still, ignore the junkyard of discomfiture and celebrate your son’s teacher! Will your gifts of encouragement cause her more grief? Possibly. Will she grow stiff under your hugs and stone-faced before your compliments? Maybe. Will opening a flowery card cause her to cry? Most likely. But, no matter her immediate reactions, be assured that your caring, merciful action is a blessed calvary sent in to rescue her from a war zone of sorrow and shame.

You are wise to want to avoid adding to your friend’s grief, so I recommend focusing on celebrating the ways you appreciate her instead of dwelling on that which she doesn’t have. Tell her how much she means to you and your son. Don’t be afraid to point out the gifts God has given to her and how she uses them in service to you and your family. It doesn’t even have to be Mother’s Day for you to celebrate her.

Personally, my own grief is opened afresh every time I read a Mother’s Day card which celebrates me in my childlessness, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. I still would rather have those mementos of encouragement than not be acknowledged at all in my barrenness.

In fact, those mementos help me grieve more healthily. The handprints from my godchildren remind me that I am not childless in my life; the poems from my nieces remind me that I am loved; the card from my mama reminds me that I am blessed to have a mother; the fierce hug and empathetic tears from a sister in Christ in the narthex remind me that I am not alone; the handmade chocolates from a father-figure in my church remind me that I am special; the picnic in the park with my husband reminds me that I am loved and needed just as I am; and the card that spills cut-out hearts onto my countertop reminds me that I am appreciated and remembered in prayer by a loving friend.

Yes, please write her a card, say something to her in person, and pray for her!

(And, on her behalf, I thank you.) xo

“You do all things well.”

Another golden nugget from Joanna:

After attending the sunrise Divine Service on Easter, I prayed through some Psalms in Reading the Psalms with Luther and came across this little prayer of Luther’s from his commentary on Psalm 73: 

“Lord, the only wise God, whose thoughts and ways are as high above ours as the heavens are high above the earth, hidden are Your ways, and Your guidance often beyond our searching out. Work in us such hearts that do not murmur against Your judgments, but are always ready to say: you are the Lord, my God, and You do all things well. Amen.”

Christ is risen!!! 

He is risen, indeed. Alleluia!

Crucifix on a Wall

Mother’s Day: A Pastoral Plea

MP900341759Thank you, Pastor Schuermann.

This Sunday is Mother’s Day. For the barren woman, attending church on this particular Sunday is often an exercise in frustration, woe, even great shame brought on by the absence of longed-for children. Far too often, we pastors help amplify these feelings in her.

This is a pastoral plea. Brothers, I beg you, remember every Sunday your entire flock. But especially this Sunday, remember all the faithful women who Christ has entrusted to your care.

Remember that a part of your flock have received from the Lord the blessed vocation of motherhood, whether their children are biological or adopted. In the prayers of the church rejoice with them, give thanks to God for them, and ask God to help them faithfully raise up these gifts from Him.

But remember, too, that many in your flock – whom you may or may not be aware of – have not received the gift of children from God. And they may be longing for that gift. Please be sensitive to them. Recall that the natural inclination of sinful man towards a theology of glory has resulted in them receiving countless, “helpful” comments and encouragements that are nothing but empty promises and legalistic claptrap. Pray for these women, too, that they would receive what they long for: the gift of a child, biological or adopted. But also do not fail to pray on their behalf that God would give them the faith and trust to contentedly rejoice in what He ultimately does give to them. It may not be a child. In other words, help them to pray, “Nevertheless, Lord, Thy will be done.”

And also remember the sheep of Christ’s flock who are past the time of having any expectation of receiving the gift of a child. Please don’t leave them out. Pray for them, too, that they would recognize in their lives all the good gifts the Lord has given to them. 

Please don’t parade them in front of the congregation in order to offer up prayers on their behalf. Please don’t draw unneeded attention to them by giving flowers or some other admittedly well-intentioned gift only to those in the congregation who have children. Allow the barren to sit and grieve, to receive from their Lord, and to pray along with you. That’s your God-given task in the Divine Service, anyway: to lead them in prayer and to care for them with Christ’s true, comforting Word and Sacrament.

In fact, my encouragement would be, if at all possible, to limit your Mother’s Day references in the service to the prayers. Keep your whole flock focused on Jesus and His forgiveness present there for them today. But in the prayers do indeed pray, praise, and give thanks for the mothers, mothers-to-be, and all those who desire motherhood but have not or will not receive that gift from God.

I think these words, included in this year’s “Let Us Pray” for Easter 7 from the LC-MS, fit the bill nicely:

“Father of glory, Your Son, our Lord Jesus, in His incarnation, took on our created human flesh and was born of the Virgin Mary. He submitted to His mother, honoring and obeying her, so fulfilling the commandment where we have not. On this Mothers’ Day, graciously accept our thanksgiving for our mothers, whom you have given to us. Teach us to honor them aright — loving, obeying and giving thanks for them, as is fitting in Your sight. Strengthen all women with child and protect them in their deliverance. Comfort all women who long to have children, but cannot, that they may find their consolation in You and Your unfailing love. Lord, in Your mercy, hear our prayer.”

Rev. Michael P. Schuermann

True Help

MP900446584

I know there is a woman in your church who watches you like a mother hen. I know she gets her feathers ruffled every time she sees you talk to a child or openly admire someone’s baby or quietly tear up at a baptism. I know she corners you in the narthex before the service and coos and clucks about this chick-producing fertility treatment and that miracle doctor. I know she pecks at your nerves with stories of distant cousins who get pregnant at 43 and petty assurances that you will, too.

I also know she cares for you.

So, don’t be a chicken. Take a risk and be vulnerable. Say the hard words.

“I can tell that you care for me and that you want to help me. Do you know what would really help? Pray for me and help me be content with the person God has made me today. Even if that means I am barren.”

You never know. With a little, loving guidance, this mother hen might end up becoming your fiercest ally in the coop.

+ Mrs. Jeanne Korby +

Mother’s Day 2009 was particularly gruesome. I was living in that tortured season of hope that is a barren woman’s early thirties, and every month brought a fresh wave of pain, guilt, anger, and confusion. Mother’s Day was a fat, juicy lemon whose acid was being mercilessly squeezed into my open wound.

To make matters worse, I was without my husband that day. I can’t remember why – perhaps he was guest preaching out of town or on some seminary trip – but I walked into the church all by my lonesome that morning.

I had to walk past the table where corsages were being handed out to mothers in the congregation. The dreaded walk of shame. My cheeks burned red with humiliation.

A be-flowered friend stepped up to me in the narthex. She fingered her corsage while she spoke. I can’t remember what she said, but I remember the tightness in my throat as I willed the tears not to spill. If I could just make it into the church. Someone special was waiting for me there.

I slid onto a cold pew in the side wing of the nave. Next to the wheelchair.

“You can be my daughter today, and I’ll be your mother.”

“Thank you, Jeanne,” I whispered, the tears falling freely, now. I didn’t need to hide them from Jeanne. She already knew. Still, I wiped at them, not wanting anyone else to know.

We sat by each other through the whole service. I probably even leaned on her, she with the fragile back and weak cartilage. She was always stronger than she looked.

We took and ate the Body and Blood of our Lord together in the side chapel reserved for those who have trouble making it up to the altar. As we knelt at the rail, I whispered in her ear, “Jeanne, what do you think about when you take the Lord’s Supper?”

She didn’t balk at my imprudence. She and I always talked like this. Forthright. Familiar. Honest.

“I think,” she whispered back, “‘Lord, I am a sinner. Give me all.'”

Thank you, Jeanne, for being a mother to me in my grief, for mentoring me as a pastor’s wife, and for teaching me the prayer I still pray at the altar today. I rejoice in knowing that Christ Jesus has, indeed, given you all. I wait with you for the resurrection day, dear friend. +

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The Purpose Driven Barren Life

MP900449090pur-pose
noun
1. the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists

We are obsessed with purpose these days. We seek purpose in everything we do to give our very lives meaning. It comforts us, even puffs us up.

We even seek purpose in the things that happen to us. Take barrenness. If we can determine some reason as to why God is making us barren, then our suffering suddenly has a meaning, an objective, maybe even merit. If there is a purpose to our barrenness, then we are somehow elevated from miserable victim to blessed martyr. We suddenly have a life worthy of the interest of Oprah, Joel Osteen, and Rick Warren, and the prominence of this self-ascribed, higher purpose makes our wretched barrenness not sting so much.

But barrenness should sting. It is a result of Sin in the world, a devolution of the way God created things to be, and no amount of purpose changes that terrible truth.

The danger in trying to assign a particular purpose to our barrenness is that we are actually attempting to define the hidden will of God. We are trying to explain something that has not been explained to us in Holy Writ. We are trying to reveal that which has not been clearly revealed, and we should be wary of putting our hope, trust, and comfort in something that God has not made known to us in His Word. For, most likely, that self-assigned purpose will fail us in the face of the devil, Sin, and our flesh.

This is why it pains me so much when other people try assigning purpose to my own barren state:

“God made you barren so that you could write a book to help other people.”

“God made you barren so that you can be a better mother to all of the youth in your church.”

“God made you barren so that you will have more compassion for orphans and embryos.”

“God made you barren so that you will better appreciate having children when He gives them to you.”

Is any of this true? I certainly don’t know, because God has not revealed any of this to me in His Word, and, I suspect, neither has He revealed it to you.

Then, what true purpose is there in my barrenness? Outside of knowing that my womb is unfruitful because of Sin in the world and that God is allowing my womb to stay unfruitful, I don’t know from God’s Word why I am barren.

Here’s what I do know from God’s Word: Whatever purpose my barrenness serves, God is working it for the good of me and my neighbor; and, because God’s good grace is sufficient for me, I am free to serve the neighbors He has given me in abundance. Yes, that even includes the youth in my church, orphans, embryos, and you.

But, dear church, that is my vocation, not my purpose. Let’s not confuse the two.

Pastors Roundtable – Chicago

Calling all pastors in the Chicago area!

We could use your help formulating theological responses to ethical points of contention surrounding in vitro fertilization, embryonic adoption, and contraception. Would you please join us, Katie Schuermann and Rebecca Mayes, for a roundtable discussion of these issues and their effects on all of us in the church? Lunch will be provided by our generous hosts at Apostles Lutheran Church. Please RSVP by Wednesday,  March 20th through the Submit a Question page on this website if you plan to attend.

When: Friday, March 22nd
Where: Apostles Lutheran Church, 10429 Fullerton Ave., Melrose Park, IL 60164

Roundtable Schedule:

10:00 AM – Arrive in the narthex (coffee available)
10:15 AM – Matins
10:45 AM – Roundtable discussion
12:00 PM – Lunch

Thank you for your help!

How Long Do I Wait?

MP900315598Question Submitted: How long does one wait?  Every month brings disappointment.  Then the thought, maybe next month will be the one.  How do you decide to take the plunge and go see your doctor?  I have three children.  I am ashamed to be asking.  I feel like I shouldn’t be so disappointed, but yet, it is like someone is missing from our family.  My youngest is over 3 and a half.  I saw my doctor a year ago and she thought I was under a lot of stress from moving and hadn’t been consistently “trying” long enough.  They did basic blood work and some ultrasounds.  Nothing was wrong.  She mentioned the word endometriosis, but said the only way to know would be invasive procedure.  But, now, I’ve given it that year of documented trying and expensive ovulation and pregnancy tests.  I know I ought to be content.  But, who is there to share my sorrow with?  It is indescribable and I feel selfish and ungrateful.  I have not miscarried.  I am not barren.  I love my kids.  I ought to be thankful, and I am…but not enough.  I cringe when people now talk to me assuming that I am “done” with having children, as if it is a decision I made.  To some in the world they think it is good.   Others look at me with their 5 or 6 children and continuous talk about having a quiverfull, and think that I must be “worldly.”  I am guilty of having said I “want as many as the Lord gives me,” and yet it is not true.  Why is it so hard to accept if I have no more? And when is it not wrong to seek medical help?  The doctor said to come back after 6 months, but I haven’t been able to do it yet.  I keep hoping maybe next month.  Trust the Lord.

My dear sister in Christ, it is so hard to accept the number of children you have now, because children are a blessing from God; and whenever we are not given that blessing, we see all too clearly the Sin which leaves the world and our wombs broken. We know that God created the one-flesh union in marriage to be fruitful, and it hurts and is terrifying whenever our marriage ceases to bear such blessed fruit.

As if our own pain and fear are not enough, Satan and his minions taunt and tease our consciences, trying to make us believe our childlessness is God’s punishment for that Sin. They want nothing more than for us to doubt God’s goodness and mercy toward sinners, toward us. They want us to believe that Christ’s sacrifice was not enough for us, that our childlessness is a needed penance for full atonement. They want us to believe in our own works for salvation, not in the all-saving work of Christ on the cross.

Lord, have mercy and deliver us from doubt and unbelief!

Here is the truth found in God’s Word: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” (Romans 8:1, 22-24 [ESV]) We know with assurance that the fruit of our womb is no reflection of our relationship with God in Christ Jesus. It is simply a manifestation of the world’s brokenness as it waits for the Resurrection Day.

You ask me how to decide to take the plunge and go see a doctor? Talk to your husband, your pastor, your trusted loved ones and ask yourself this question: Why do you want to see a doctor? Do you seek relief from an ailment which causes your health to suffer? Do you seek an answer to the puzzle that is your fertility? Do you desire closure after months, even years, of trying to get pregnant? I believe these are all healthy motivations for seeking medical attention, because they simply seek a conclusion and physical relief. These motivations do not require a certain outcome of God, confusing the line between Creator and creation. These motivations keep you in a position to receive gifts from God, whatever those gifts may be.

Remember that it is not wrong to seek medical help for infertility. Healing medicine is part of the daily bread God provides for us, and it is good and right to try to make the body whole. We are free in Christ to undergo diagnostic tests, receive treatments, have surgeries, take medications, and receive help from a doctor for the healing purposes of our flesh. We just need to remember that our freedom in Christ is intended by God to serve our neighbor, not ourselves, so be discerning. There are some forms of infertility medicine that cease to be healing medicine because they potentially hurt or harm our neighbor (our husband and the very children we want to conceive) and thereby break the Fifth Commandment of our Lord. Also, guard yourself against the temptation to serve your own desire for a child when it means trusting the words of your doctor over the Word of God. We break the First Commandment of our Lord when we dethrone Him, the True Creator, in our hearts and replace Him with a make-shift god constructed of our own wishes and desires.

My personal advice? You’ve been waiting a long time, and your heart is aching with the unknown. Go. See your doctor. Find out what you in good conscience can, and be at peace, trusting that God is working everything for your good. And know that you are not alone in the body of Christ, sister.

Now, a quick word to that body of Christ:

We are so cruel to each other in the church. The woman with too many children is judged by others to be an unconscionable rabbit, the woman with too few children gets labeled a personification of the Enlightenment, and the woman with no children is hailed as a contracepting Machiavel.

No doubt, there are women in all three of these categories whose number of children is self-determined by an obedience to some damning, worldly Law, but let’s be good Lutherans and put the best construction on everything. Let’s look at the number of children a woman has been given and rejoice at God’s goodness to her in both His blessing and His withholding. Let’s not judge each other behind hands in whispered gossip but, instead, encourage each other openly by proclaiming the truth in love: God in His wisdom and mercy both gives and doesn’t give the gift of children. Praise be to God!

Mama Bear

????

I know you’re afraid. I am, too.

We’re going against natural instinct, you and me. We know we’re not supposed to step in between a mama bear and her cub, but that’s exactly what we’re doing when we speak out against infertility medicine which breaks commandments of the LORD. We are stepping in between a mother and the children to which she feels entitled.

And a mama bear’s roar is terrifying.

Yet, we step in, nonetheless, because all children are loved and wanted by God, not just by mama bears. Every child’s value is best seen and understood at the foot of the cross on which Christ’s bloody sacrifice was laid out for them. We love these children, because God loves them; and we don’t want any of them to be valued solely for what they provide for the mama bear or the research technician or any other self-serving individual. We want to protect these precious children from being recklessly created outside of the one-flesh union where they can be graded, tested, abandoned, and destroyed.

Things could be different. We could be proactive in applying theology to infertility medicine rather than reactive. We could intentionally teach and counsel couples to live life under the cross of barrenness rather than encourage them to try every possible means to overcome it. We could speak the truth in love that children are not a commodity to which we are entitled in this life but a gift which God in His wisdom gives and doesn’t give. We could be honest in the Church and admit that God has not promised in His Word to give the gift of children to everyone.

Maybe, just maybe, this kind of honesty spoken in love would help the barren mama bears cope a little better. I know it helps me.