Thank you, Rev. Todd Wilken and Issues, Etc., for talking with us on the radio about Mother’s Day and all that comes with it.
You can listen to the program online here.
Infertility
Mother’s Day: A Pastoral Plea
Thank you, Pastor Schuermann.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day. For the barren woman, attending church on this particular Sunday is often an exercise in frustration, woe, even great shame brought on by the absence of longed-for children. Far too often, we pastors help amplify these feelings in her.
This is a pastoral plea. Brothers, I beg you, remember every Sunday your entire flock. But especially this Sunday, remember all the faithful women who Christ has entrusted to your care.
Remember that a part of your flock have received from the Lord the blessed vocation of motherhood, whether their children are biological or adopted. In the prayers of the church rejoice with them, give thanks to God for them, and ask God to help them faithfully raise up these gifts from Him.
But remember, too, that many in your flock – whom you may or may not be aware of – have not received the gift of children from God. And they may be longing for that gift. Please be sensitive to them. Recall that the natural inclination of sinful man towards a theology of glory has resulted in them receiving countless, “helpful” comments and encouragements that are nothing but empty promises and legalistic claptrap. Pray for these women, too, that they would receive what they long for: the gift of a child, biological or adopted. But also do not fail to pray on their behalf that God would give them the faith and trust to contentedly rejoice in what He ultimately does give to them. It may not be a child. In other words, help them to pray, “Nevertheless, Lord, Thy will be done.”
And also remember the sheep of Christ’s flock who are past the time of having any expectation of receiving the gift of a child. Please don’t leave them out. Pray for them, too, that they would recognize in their lives all the good gifts the Lord has given to them.
Please don’t parade them in front of the congregation in order to offer up prayers on their behalf. Please don’t draw unneeded attention to them by giving flowers or some other admittedly well-intentioned gift only to those in the congregation who have children. Allow the barren to sit and grieve, to receive from their Lord, and to pray along with you. That’s your God-given task in the Divine Service, anyway: to lead them in prayer and to care for them with Christ’s true, comforting Word and Sacrament.
In fact, my encouragement would be, if at all possible, to limit your Mother’s Day references in the service to the prayers. Keep your whole flock focused on Jesus and His forgiveness present there for them today. But in the prayers do indeed pray, praise, and give thanks for the mothers, mothers-to-be, and all those who desire motherhood but have not or will not receive that gift from God.
I think these words, included in this year’s “Let Us Pray” for Easter 7 from the LC-MS, fit the bill nicely:
“Father of glory, Your Son, our Lord Jesus, in His incarnation, took on our created human flesh and was born of the Virgin Mary. He submitted to His mother, honoring and obeying her, so fulfilling the commandment where we have not. On this Mothers’ Day, graciously accept our thanksgiving for our mothers, whom you have given to us. Teach us to honor them aright — loving, obeying and giving thanks for them, as is fitting in Your sight. Strengthen all women with child and protect them in their deliverance. Comfort all women who long to have children, but cannot, that they may find their consolation in You and Your unfailing love. Lord, in Your mercy, hear our prayer.”
Rev. Michael P. Schuermann
True Help
I know there is a woman in your church who watches you like a mother hen. I know she gets her feathers ruffled every time she sees you talk to a child or openly admire someone’s baby or quietly tear up at a baptism. I know she corners you in the narthex before the service and coos and clucks about this chick-producing fertility treatment and that miracle doctor. I know she pecks at your nerves with stories of distant cousins who get pregnant at 43 and petty assurances that you will, too.
I also know she cares for you.
So, don’t be a chicken. Take a risk and be vulnerable. Say the hard words.
“I can tell that you care for me and that you want to help me. Do you know what would really help? Pray for me and help me be content with the person God has made me today. Even if that means I am barren.”
You never know. With a little, loving guidance, this mother hen might end up becoming your fiercest ally in the coop.
Identity
“Identify who you are and what you can do.”
The Rev. Dr. Arthur A. Just shared those words with a group of pastors’ wives this past week. That sentence struck me on a variety of levels. It especially rang true for me regarding my barrenness. Our culture tends to identify people in regards to who they are. Are you married? Do you have children? Who are your parents? This same culture wants to know what people can do. Can you bear children? Can you prevent the birth of children? Can you control the number of children you’re having?
For so many years, I have identified myself by what I CANNOT do. I cannot produce children upon demand. I cannot choose when to have a child. I shamefully acknowledge that I am a product of a sinful world. Any children that come to me are purely received as gifts from our Heavenly Father.
So – Who am I? I am God’s child. My true identity is found in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior, and He died to make me whole. If I am barren, what can I do? I can receive God’s good gifts when they are given to me. Those gifts are found in His Word and Holy Sacraments. To receive is exactly what I can do. I can serve my neighbor in love.
In Christ, I know who I am and what I can do. I can love my neighbor, even if that neighbor is not born of my own flesh.
A Bunch of Garbage
“How old are you?” the woman with the hot pink lipstick asks.
I don’t like that question. No matter what number I give, I am either too young or too old in the eyes of the interrogator. I’m never just the age I should be.
“I’m old enough,” I answer.
“Well,” she says, simultaneously rubbing her hands up and down my arms as if she can polish my barrenness right off my skin, “you can still have a child. My son is forty-one, and he and his wife just had their first child. They used IVF. It went so well, they probably even have some children in the trash.”
I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say.
“There are some frozen embryos, too, or something like that,” she keeps rubbing, “but at least they have one that’s alive, now.”
I know what to say to this. “Those embryos are alive, too.”
She stops rubbing. Her eyes flicker. There is knowledge in her eyes. Conviction. She knows, and I can tell she is bothered. “I know. I don’t know what to think about all of that.”
And I am sad for her. She is a grandma many times over through IVF, and she is confused. I realize I misjudged her. She wasn’t being flippant about the children in the trash. She was confessing. She couldn’t stop herself from telling me. She just needed someone to know.
Please help, dear Church. Tell the truth about IVF before more children are created in glass to be tossed out with the trash.
Babies are not garbage.
Discrimination
We discriminate, even in our suffering.
Many church women’s organizations have said to me in response to an invitation to attend a talk on barrenness, “Oh, we don’t want to hear a talk on barrenness. We’ve already had our children. That issue doesn’t affect us.”
And my heart breaks.
Not just because these women are turning a blind eye to the women in their own groups who have never had children (and to those whose children or nieces or sisters or aunts or friends have not had children), but because they would never say to a sister in Christ, “Oh, we don’t want to hear a talk on cancer. We don’t have it. That issue doesn’t affect us.”
Because, deep down inside, they know it does. Whether they personally have cancer or not, they know cancer affects someone who sits in their pew.
The same is true of all suffering. When one member of the body suffers, the whole body is affected. When the little toe is stubbed against an oak dining room chair, the face flinches, the eyes close, the fists clench, the stomach churns, the knees bend, and the larynx howls, all because a tiny member of the body is in pain.
That is, unless we remove that tiny member from the body and pretend she doesn’t exist.
To Know and Accept
I KNOW that my life may be a cross of barrenness. It is still difficult for me to ACCEPT my barrenness and then live under the cross of Jesus.
I KNOW that God has given me His good gifts. It is quite another for me to ACCEPT those gifts without giving credit to myself.
Dear God, You know what is best for me. Help me to trust and accept Your good will for my life. Amen.
An Unforgivable Sin?
Question Submitted: I’m happily married. My husband and I want children, but we haven’t been blessed with any. I want to take comfort in the fact that God gives and withholds the gift of children as you say, but I can’t. God gave me the gift of a child years ago before I met my husband, and I aborted it. I murdered God’s gift, and now I’m left childless. I’m barren at my own hand. I don’t deserve to be comforted.
Dear one, I don’t deserve to be comforted, either, yet God comforts me, anyway. Hear God’s comfort for you from one of His called and ordained servants of the Word:
Dearest sister in Christ,
In this life one of the most difficult things is to be faced with the tragic consequences of sin, whether it’s our own sin or someone else’s. At times it seems that these consequences are like open wounds, refusing to completely heal, staring us in the face as reminders that everything is not as it should be because sin has corrupted our world and our lives. It’s in the “openness” of the wound, the seeming lack of healing, that we find the most grief and heartache. But it’s also in this very same openness that we are driven time and time again to our Lord. The fact that we can do nothing about it leads us to seek out the God who has done something about it on the cross of His Son. These constant reminders, these thorns in the flesh of our hearts, serve to draw us to the only One who makes us complete in the death and resurrection of His Son, who has conquered every sin and every death.
You have confessed your own sin and admit that you feel the sting of its reminder. In confessing your sin, you do not lack repentance. As our Catechism teaches, this admission of guilt is the first part of Confession. The second part is “that we receive absolution, that is, forgiveness, from the pastor as from God Himself, not doubting, but firmly believing that by it our sins are forgiven before God in heaven.” We have our Lord’s own Word, which promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Your fear is that you don’t deserve to be comforted, but blessedly, God’s grace does not depend on our worthiness. That’s the beauty of grace. Your heavenly Father forgives you, in spite of what you deserve. He bathes you in the water of your Baptism and every stain is removed. It’s a trick of the devil to get us to look at our own worthiness. Don’t look to your own faithfulness or worthiness because your Lord is faithful and just and He forgives you of all unrighteousness.
In the Old Testament, King David had to deal with the consequences of his sin with Bathsheba. The prophet Nathan told him that because of David’s sin, the child born of that sin would die. David’s guilt and grief must have crushed him as he saw his own sin have such tragic consequences for his child. And yet David still trusted in the Lord’s mercy after this loss when he said, “Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me” (2 Sam. 12:23). David, the man familiar with grief and guilt over his own sin, also wrote: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:8-12). David knew not to look at his own worthiness to be comforted. David trusted the Lord to relieve and comfort him because of the Lord’s mercy and grace.
Do not look to yourself or your own unworthiness, dear sister. You’ve confessed your sin, now hear the Lord’s forgiveness. The Lord does not deal with you according to your sin. Instead, He forgives it. He sent His Son to bear your sins, every specific one, and to put them to death on the cross. Jesus takes our darkest deeds onto Himself and He gives you His own holiness. Look to your Savior and what He has done and know that you are really and truly forgiven.
Sometimes it seems that our wounds of grief or guilt will never completely heal. But as I said before, these wounds, even the wound of childlessness that you have now, serve to draw us to our Lord again and again. When your conscience stings you, run to your Lord and receive the healing of His forgiveness in His Holy Supper. When the devil holds your sins in your face, go and confess those sins to one of the pastors that your Good Shepherd has sent to you and hear the words of forgiveness again and again. When you’re tempted to focus on your own sin or unworthiness, flee to Your Savior and focus instead on His perfection that He shares with you. Your Lord is greater than your sin and He forgives you. Hold to that when the grief and guilt seem too great. Your Father forgives you, loves you, and comforts you, not because of what you’ve done, but because of what His Son has done. Peace be with you.
Rev. Tony Oliphant
Is a Baby the Answer?
Listening to a baby coo, watching her first steps, holding her tiny hand in yours… These are things that we barren women desire. We watch our girlfriends share kisses with their babies; we see dads swoop up the little ones in their arms. We listen to grandparents crow about their grandchildren’s accomplishments. Where is my baby? Where is the child that should come forth from my womb? If I gave birth, then my heartache would be gone. If we adopted, I know that my mood would improve. Having a baby would be the answer to all of my problems.
Reality check – Children aren’t happy all the time. A baby cries; a baby messes. A newborn can’t communicate her needs clearly. I’m not happy 24/7 either. Sometimes I’m angry. At other times I’m sad. I long for things that are beyond my reach. Even though I want a baby to be the answer to my prayers, a baby is not the solution to my problems.
The solution is Jesus. He provides healing. He knows the hurt we carry. He knows our deep, heartfelt desire to be a parent. He knows that our selfishness can lead to turning parenthood into an idol. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows that we need a Savior. Jesus takes us into His loving arms and holds us. He reminds us in His Holy Word that He provides for our every need. He gives us a church family to love and support us.
When we pray “Thy will be done,” we acknowledge that God is the author of all creation, and His will is best for our lives. He knows that having a baby is AN answer to prayers. He also knows that having a baby is not always THE answer to prayers. There is a difference. We pray that God would lead us to recognize His good will for our lives – with or without a baby.
Hormone Therapy?
Question Submitted: I was wondering if you know where I might find good information about the ethics of the medicinal use of hormonal therapies for a married woman. It looks like I will probably be having to wade into some murky waters here soon. Tomorrow, I’m going to make an appointment with my OB. I saw her nurse practitioner a week ago, and she was thinking I need either three months of birth control or 10 days of progesterone, but we decided to see if time would help. Well, after nearly doubling over with cramps in the middle of the church service on Sunday because of my 4th menses in 2 months, I think we need to do SOMETHING. I trust my doctor for the medical info, but I don’t think she will be able to help with the ethics. My husband and I would like to be as well informed as we can be before making any decisions, but, to be honest, other than doing a little research that led us to avoiding hormones for birth control, we don’t even know were to start. I was hoping you could point us in a general direction. Thank you so much.
I am so sorry to hear you are in such physical pain. That is awful. I had similar pain episodes a couple years ago. They were excruciating, debilitating, and socially embarrassing.
I do not know of any particular published resources which I 100% recommend on this topic. At this point, I suggest you ask your OB-gyn some very frank questions, listen to her answers, talk to your husband/pastor/father confessor, research all you can about your doctor’s suggested treatment plans on the internet (Lutherans for Life and LCMS Life and Health Ministries may be helpful resources with this), and then make decisions according to your conscience. Remember, you do not have to make a decision in the doctor’s office. You can go home, take your time researching and discussing your options, and come back at a later time with your decision.
If it helps, at the request of my own OB-gyn, I took the pill for a few months a year-and-a-half ago to help her diagnose what kind of masses were growing in my abdomen. Since some types of masses are known to be hormone responsive, my undergoing hormone therapy helped my doctor diagnose (without immediately, surgically opening me up) whether or not those masses were cancer, regular cysts, fibroids, or endometriomas. The results of the hormone therapy helped my doctor better treat me and, in the end, prepare for surgery.
I will admit that in order not to burden our own consciences, my husband and I abstained during that time.
I also bartered with my doctor. I acknowledged her need for me to take the pill for diagnostic purposes, but I also explained that I was only willing to take it for a limited season of time. She understood from the beginning that the pill was never going to be an acceptable, longterm treatment option for me. I think that information helped her make alternative treatment decisions for me before, during, and after my surgery. My surgery was successful, though my doctor had to leave some offensive tissue in my body so as not to destroy some of my organs. In an effort to get rid of that tissue, I then took Lupron Depot shots for six months in order to starve the tissue of my own hormones and, hopefully, kill it.
I am neither advocating nor discouraging you from taking hormone therapy for the purposes of healing medicine. I never thought I ever would, but, when the time came, the risks of vascular bleeding in undergoing immediate surgery and the risks of an ovarian torsion in doing nothing outweighed the longterm health risks of hormone therapy for me. My doctor was also reticent to perform a hysterectomy at the time unless she absolutely had to, as the consequences of depleting my body of its natural hormones in my early thirties also had longterm risks. Every woman is different, every diagnosis is different, and every treatment plan is different. Just be sure to ask your doctor detailed questions about the entire effects of any therapy which you engage. Let her know that you have religious concerns that could burden your conscience if you engage in any therapy which might potentially serve as contraception or an abortifacient. Whether your doctor agrees with you or not, she is a professional who wants the best for you and your health and most likely will respect your request with honest, forthright answers. She does not have to agree with you to be a good physician.
At this point, I do not plan on engaging in any more hormone therapy for long-term health reasons. My husband and I agreed to undergo such therapy once in an attempt to rectify the immediately dangerous situation. If I continue to have problems post-surgery, my husband and I are seriously considering alternative options, even a hysterectomy, for hormone therapy does have its own longterm consequences on the female body.
These are such hard decisions. I am sorry that they are also undefined and ethically murky in so many ways. I am serious about asking your doctor the hard questions. Listen to her, talk to your husband, make a decision you can live with, and trust in Christ always.
He Remembers the Barren 