Infertility

You Do Not Suffer Alone

Friends are having babies. Neighbors are celebrating a new grandchild. Teenagers are welcoming twins. We sit at home, in our quiet homes, alone. But take heart, dear friend, you are not alone in your suffering. Christians around the world have been suffering for years.

“Resist, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” (1 Peter 5:9)

Take comfort in the pastor’s words on this passage of Scripture: In such temptations St. Peter comforts the suffering Christians by telling them that they are not the only nor the first souls to be so tempted, as though they had to bear a peculiar, rare, and unheard-of cross and suffering and should think and feel that they alone had to bear it; rather they should know that all their brethren in Christ scattered everywhere have at all times had to suffer thus from the devil and his onslaughts because they were in the world. For it is an immense help and comfort when the sufferer knows that he is not alone but is suffering with a great multitude.

Therefore no man should regard his own anguish and distress as so horrible, as if it were new and had never happened to anyone before. It may well be new to you and you may not have experienced it before, but look around you at all the Christians in our beloved Church from the beginning to this hour, planted in the world to run the devil’s gauntlet and unceasingly winnowed and fanned like wheat.

For where God through His Word and faith has gathered together a Church, the devil cannot be at peace, and where he cannot achieve her destruction through sectarianism he strikes at her with persecution and violence, so that we must risk our body and life in the fight, and all we have.

From Dr. Martin Luther’s sermon on the third Sunday after Trinity in the year 1544.

A Matter of Convenience

“We’re not ready for kids yet. We want to be financially stable.”

“I want to have a successful career before we have kids.”

“I know I’m not mature enough to be a parent.”

“Our home is so small; we don’t have room for kids right now.”

“I think I would go insane if we had any more kids.”

Time and again, these comments have caused me to grieve. True, I don’t know the whole back story to each of the above comments. I’ve even had some of those very same thoughts. However, I would love to have a baby in my home to love and cherish. Comments such as these portray the idea that children are a commodity to purchase. These casual comments cheapen the treasure that is a child. A baby is not something we get “at our earliest convenience.” Sadly, society tells us that we come first. Therefore, the use of birth control helps us to plan the “best time” to start a family. There’s a to-do list of accomplishments in this life, and having children gets in the way of those successes. We want the big boat, the nice home, and a large financial savings. Once we get those things done, then we can think about a family. This thought process is sinful.

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are not property to be purchased when we’re ready for them. Children are a result of God’s design for marriage. A child is a gift from God. Who says no to a gift, a really good gift? Sinners do. In our sinful nature, we desire to put ourselves first. We want what we want when we want it. We feel that nothing should get in the way of our success. We want a career advancement, a bigger home, a secure future. Yes, these things are all good. They aren’t so good when they become idols. When children “get in the way” of our personal success and achievements, then we have turned God’s gift of a child into a convenience.

O God, forgive our selfish thoughts and help us to treasure children as gifts. Amen.

NaProTECHNOLOGY

Question Submitted: What do you think of NaProTECHNOLOGY?

My husband and I are actually trained in NaProTechnology. It was first presented to us ten years ago by our pro-life and Roman Catholic friends as an ethical alternative to the pill, and, in our self-acclaimed wisdom, we trained in it the summer before our wedding to ultimately avoid pregnancy in our marriage. For the next two years, I carefully charted and met with a nurse (year one) and a doctor (year two) for guidance and assessment. As you know, we were quite successful with the method.

We have since then used NPT to try to get pregnant, and it has not been so successful for us there. I was able, however, to point a few seminary friends suffering from PCOS to a local doctor trained in NPT, and some of them are mothers today.

My humble opinion: As an educational tool, I am not opposed to NPT. I learned a lot about my body that helps me cope with the ups and downs of barrenness today; however, you will notice that I do not publicly advocate for it. My main reason is that most people who ask me about NPT are not interested in using the method as healing medicine but as something very different.

My husband and I regret our decision to avoid pregnancy early in our marriage. Sometimes, I even regret knowing all the ins and outs of my cycle, hormones, etc. It is something I can never unlearn, and there are definitely days when I would rather forget all about it.

Child = Gift

There is no good thing in me, not a single one. I have made myself into an idol and adored myself repeatedly. I have cursed God for not giving me more children. The Word and Sacrament have fallen, at times, on my deaf ears. It has been difficult to respect and honor parents who have been given numerous children while my bedrooms remain empty. My thoughts have wounded my neighbors, and I have been jealous of married couples. I have thought ill of others, whose homes are blessed with children. I am wretched. I am a sinner; I deserve death.

Instead, our gracious and merciful Lord deals gently with me. I am a sinner and should be killed. I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments… repeatedly. However, our compassionate Lord absolves me of my sin and grants blessing after blessing. In His great mercy, He gives children. There is nothing in me that deserves a child. I am evil, but still He gives. How humbling it is to know that Jesus covers my sin with His robe of righteousness and gives to me all good things. I am given Christ’s name when I am baptized; I receive the Lord’s forgiveness in His Holy Supper.

Perhaps I am even given a child. When I receive that good word, I am blessed. I am deeply humbled. The Lord has blessed me with riches that I could never have earned. Each and every child is a gift. 100% gift.

Whatcha’ Got Cookin’?

After 15 years of marriage I’ve decided to learn how to cook. I mean really cook. I confess that I’ve been faking my way through this whole time. When a recipe that I follow perfectly doesn’t turn out, then I just throw up my hands in disgust and lament that the world is against me. I don’t really use my brain when cooking. I admit to blindly following the instructions from the magazine cut-out, praying it turns out half as good as the picture looks. But I’ve been burned this way (literally) so many times that it has just perpetuated my general feeling of helplessness which, for me anyway, often accompanies this barren state. So when my husband recently asked me out of the blue if there was anything in particular that I would like to accomplish or learn in the near future, I didn’t even have to think. “I want to learn how to cook,” I stated firmly, as if I had already started making plans on how to achieve this goal. But I hadn’t and I wasn’t quite sure where to start.

Taking cooking classes was out of the question due to cost and time committment. Plan B included the good old standby: get the right books and just teach myself. I had heard that the book Joy of Cooking was supposed to be a beginner’s manual to this field of study and so I asked a culinarily-gifted friend of mine if he would recommend it. He had a copy, of course, but steered me first to Alton Brown’s I’m Just Here for the Food, a similar yet more contemporary and humorous option. This, my friends, is solid gold. I have finally found someone who understands me. Within just the first few pages Alton reveals the pitfalls of my kind of cooking, comparing it to giving a friend from out-of-town directions to your house but not sending him a map.

That’s what’s wrong with recipes. Sure, they can get us where we’re going, but that doesn’t mean we know where we are when we get there. And it would be a real shame to make it all the way to a souffle without realizing that scrambled eggs are just over the next hill and meringue’s just around the corner.

Do you have to know how to scramble an egg before you can make a souffle or how to sear a steak to make a beef stew? No. A halfway decent recipe can get you to either of those destinations. But unless you understand where you are and how you got there, you’re a hostage. And it’s hard to have fun when you’re a hostage. (pg. 7)

Yes!! That’s me! A hostage. I just do whatever I’m told and I’ve never even tried to escape. Until now. If this book really does what it says it’s going to do then my time spent playing the victim is quickly coming to an end. There’s nothing like a little experience manipulating the elements to increase one’s feeling of control in life. I have fought for control of my own body for so many years and I’m convinced that it’s a losing battle. But if I can learn to sear that piece of meat so that the juices remain and there’s a golden crust surrounding it on all sides then I may not feel quite so defeated after all.

A Bitter Pill to Swallow

Question Submitted: How do you not get boiling mad at women who use contraception to avoid the gift of children?

I remember that I, too, was once convinced by the world and (let’s be honest) the church that children are an option, an extra, a commodity, a consumer product, a resource, a burden, a leech, a finance drainer, an insurance expense, a vacation-stealer, a career-spoiler, a free-time-monger, and an oops to be carefully planned for, timed, and controlled in marriage.

Oh, to have known and believed from the start that children are a blessing in marriage, a gift given from a loving, generous God! To look back on my youth with no regrets!

Yet, in Christ, God has forgiven me of all my regrets. My scarlet sins have been washed clean in my Baptism. I now wear the white robes of Christ’s righteousness, and I trust that the debt created by the selfishness of my youth is paid in full by Jesus’ death on the cross. How can I not show mercy to other women when I have been forgiven of so much?

So, I seldom get angry at my sisters in Christ who use contraception to avoid the gift of children. I just get very sad, for when I look into their busy, distracted, fearful eyes, I see myself. When I hear my sisters in Christ try to explain to me why it is good and right for them to avoid children in marriage, I hear myself. And I know the pain and guilt such decisions bring. The best thing I know to do is to lovingly speak gift language to them and pray that God would open their eyes to the precious gifts He would give to them.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Dirty Laundry

This year, it is easy to rejoice.

I may have been jealous – even angry – in the past, but this year is different. It is remarkably easy to rejoice in the gift of children you all have been given.

Maybe it is because I wrote a book. Maybe it is because I said my piece. Maybe it is because my dirty laundry has been aired in the bright sunshine of confession and absolution. Maybe it is because you all have been so kind and sensitive and generous and inclusive in sharing the news of your gift-children with me.

Most likely, though, it is because God has given me good gifts of my own: the gifts of peace, understanding, and faith in His salutary Word that children – even the children born to and adopted by others – are truly gifts from Him.

So, bring on the birth announcements. Shower me with news of adoption referrals. You can even use one of the four baby names I have zealously hoarded in my heart for my own dream children.

Your children are gifts from God, and I get to rejoice in them.

Do We Remain Silent?

Question submitted: Some members of our family gave birth to their children through IVF. Throughout their IVF journey there was grief, despair, and much sorrow both at the loss of several children/embryos as well as family members who did not necessarily approve of their decision to move forward with IVF. As IVF has become such a common practice, how can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant? In their view we just didn’t “get infertility” and we had children of our own so we truly didn’t understand their pain and suffering. Secondly, now that they have brought children into the world there is much joy and happiness throughout our entire family. But the one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity? I will tell you that during their IVF treatments there was so much unrest because some family members condoned their IVF treatments and others did not.

Dear friend, you have just given our readers a first-hand account of the heartache and conflict that IVF can bring to a family. And this is happening in Christian families everywhere, touching those who live the faster-paced lifestyles in the major cities as well as the “family values” farming communities in the Midwest. On our speaking tours, Katie and Kristi and I have talked to many women and other family members who, like you, are at a loss as to how to address this huge mess that has spilled out of a couple’s seemingly innocent desire to have a child. Lord, have mercy!

Your question has two main parts and I want to address them separately.

1. “How can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant?”

I know that it is often hard for fertile family members to reach out to their barren loved ones. But I think that in the case where IVF is being discussed it is absolutely vital for families, churches and pastors to pray for courage to address this with a couple. It is because you love them that you desire to steer them away from the temptation to fall into sin—namely the sin against the 5th Commandment where they would most certainly (not might, not could) be hurting or even killing their “neighbor” (the embryos/children that are discarded or frozen as a result). And it is your love for God that propels you to boldly share His Word about this kind of sin with the couple, believing that the Word is powerful and can change hearts. Approach your family members with the genuine compassion that you’ve expressed and confidently share with them these thoughts:

a. Some of our previous posts on IVF lay out what can happen during IVF and why Christians should abandon this option.

b. The various resources listed on this site (particularly Dr. Weise’s article and this Issues, Etc. show) are filled with wisdom, Scripture references, and more reasons not to engage in the procedure.

c. Scripture calls children a reward, a gift, intricately woven, formed and knitted together by our Heavenly Father (Psalm 127:3 and 139:15). When the vast majority of IVF procedures end in the freezing or killing off of unwanted children, then we are not viewing them as rewards, gifts, and specially created beings who were meant to be born, baptized, and raised in the Christian faith (Exodus 20:13).

d. Don’t let the fact that you are fertile prevent you from speaking the truth in love to your barren family. They need to realize that the pain of barrenness does not justify treating living human beings as IVF treats them.

2. “The one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity?”

Thank you for acknowledging the lives that still exist as a result of this couple’s actions. You are very aware that this couple has multiple children now, though most of them have not been born. Can there truly be family unity now when parts of the family are frozen and deserted? Since these children are your relatives, too, you see that they are not being cared for as they should and I think you have every right to bring this to the attention of the parents. Please do encourage and attempt to influence your family members to recognize that those tiny human embryos are really children who must be rescued. The couple made the conscious decision to conceive these children—which made them parents—and the Bible has much to say about the responsibility that comes with parenting:

a. We are to have compassion on our children, which results in loving them and caring for all their needs (Psalm 103:13, Matthew 7:11).

b. We are to teach our children about God’s Law, love, and promises (Deuteronomy 4:9 and 6:7, Psalm 78:4, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4).

c. We are not to do anything that would keep our children from knowing Jesus or that would tempt them away from him (Matthew 18:5-7 and 19:14).

d. We are to have our children baptized (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 16:30-33) after they have been born (John 3:3-5).

 When parents allow their children to be frozen and to remain in this state they cannot carry out these responsibilities. The goal of your discussion with your family members is repentance, a change of mind. If they do indeed repent and as a result want to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8), then it would be good to help them to do so.

And here is where it gets really hard. There is no easy way to undo the wrong that has been done. The hard truth is that this couple is morally obligated to parent all these children that they have made, meaning they should plan to implant all of the frozen embryos. This would likely take several procedures to achieve, each costing several thousands of dollars, and in the process several lives will probably be lost. I wish there was an easier way but I do not know of any. IVF is such a tangled mess that it is extremely difficult and very costly to try to make amends. That is why we choose to address this topic so much on this blog. We seek not only to show love to children by promoting procreation the “traditional” way, but we seek to show love to the desperate couple who is contemplating this procedure. Our goal is to spare them and their family members from having to make the extreme sacrifices that are necessary in order to take full responsibility for all the children conceived in IVF. The amazing power of Christ’s forgiveness, applied to the repentant heart, repairs our broken relationship with God and renews our ability to stand before him as righteous, cleansed and cherished children. This is true family unity. But in this earthly life there are still consequences for sin and these are often a very heavy burden. If you find that your family members are ready to confess the mistakes of their past, embrace them with your love and Christ’s, and do what you can to help them bear what lies ahead as they attempt to care for all their children.

A Nice Chat

Good conversation is always refreshing. Last night I was at the farm for a get-together.  I was sitting outdoors at a table with my friend, enjoying a great meal, along with a healthy dose of flies. [Who doesn’t love a picnic?] Everybody else at our table had left, but my friend and I continued to visit. We talked about her new home and all that goes along with moving into it. We mused over the antics of the little children playing outside on the driveway. We talked about the school year for my daughter. We laughed about a video on the internet.

Not once did our conversation revolve around my barrenness or my family’s seemingly eternal wait to adopt a child. Rather, we talked about so many other things. I appreciated that. My friend knows that we have been waiting a long time to increase our family size, and I know that she cares deeply for me. We didn’t have to constantly reiterate those points to each other. We could simply chat. Now that’s a good friend.

We Must Wait

From yesterday’s reading in the Treasury of Daily Prayer:

Christ is risen from the dead, has ascended to heaven, and sits at the right of God in divine power and honor. Nevertheless, He is hiding His greatness, glory, majesty, and power. He allows His prophets and apostles to be expelled and murdered…He allows His Christians to suffer want, trouble, and misfortune in the world. He acts as He did in the days of His flesh, when John the Baptist had to lose his head for the sake of a desperate harlot, while He, the Savior and Helper, said nothing about it, departed thence in a ship and withdrew to the solitude of the wilderness (Matt. 14:10ff, Mark 6:17, 32). Is He not a petty, childish God, who does not save Himself and allows His children to suffer as if He did not see how badly they were faring?…[I]f He sees and knows but cannot help, then He has no hands that are able to do anything, nor does He have power to enable Him to save.

Hence the prophet Isaiah correctly says of God: “Verily Thou art a God that hidest Thyself, O God of Israel, the Savior” (45:15)…Now He lets our adversaries treat His Word, Sacraments, and Christians as they please. He lets us call and cry and says nothing, as though He were deep in thought or were busy or were out in the field or asleep and heard nothing as Elijah says of Baal (I Kings 18:27)…

Meanwhile Christians, baptized in His name, must hold still, must permit people to walk over them and must have patience. For in the Kingdom of faith God wants to be small, but in the (future) kingdom of sight He will not be small but great. Then He will show that He saw the misery of His people and heard their crying and had a will inclined to help them, also power to help them…For this appearance of the glory of the great God we must wait.

Martin Luther