Infertility

The Truth which Comforts

Issueswidget-1This past June, Rev. Todd Wilken interviewed me on Issues, Etc. on the topics of barrenness, in vitro fertilization, and embryo testing. If you are interested, you can listen to the full interview here.

In this post, however, I want to specifically draw your attention to the fact that the most comforting words offered up in that conversation were not spoken by yours truly but, rather, by the interviewer.

“God does not promise to deliver you from suffering; He makes promises to you in the midst of suffering.”

and

“Every vocation, every gift, is given by God, but it’s always given under the cross. We never get out from under the cross. As Christians, there is an attendant suffering that comes along with these things, a burden that comes along with them, always to both remind and to connect us to the suffering of Christ and His cross.” 

Thank you, Rev. Wilken, for faithfully speaking the truth which teaches and comforts for the benefit of us all.

Children were harmed in the making of this article.

EmbryosFrozenEmbryos are people.

When you read this article found at People.com (Oh, the irony of the site’s name!) about the first baby born from a transplanted womb, you will notice that such people are being unconscionably created to have their lives risked, all for the sake of other people’s – adult people, that is – happiness.

“Earlier this year, Brannstrom began transferring embryos into the seven other women. He said there are two other pregnancies at least 25 weeks along.”

If we put the best construction on this situation and assume that there were only seven total people created for individual implantation attempts in the seven successfully transplanted wombs, then that means there are at least three* people living today (one person born, two in utero) because of this experiment.

That also means there are at least four people dead today because of this experiment.

The obvious must be pointed out, as the media continually fails to do so:

We are quick to laud and celebrate the people that are born from such experiments, but we fail to acknowledge, mourn, and defend the people that unjustly die.

And our intentionally ignorant silence is to our shame.

* Best construction assumes that there are not additional living people currently frozen and waiting in liquid nitrogen.

“He Will Not Always Chide”

“Bless the LORD, O my soul,
 and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
 so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.”
Psalm 103:1-10 (ESV)

He who has made you barren is not repaying you according to your iniquities. No, the wages of your Sin has already been paid in full by the death of Christ on the cross.

The LORD is merciful and gracious to you even in your barrenness, for, in Jesus, He has kept His promise to work righteousness and justice for you, the oppressed. He has forgiven you of your Sin – Alleluia! – and works this rotten, wretched pain for your good (Romans 8:28).

That is why we, the childless, can join our voices with the psalmist:

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, 
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!”

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Symposium Schedule

What do IVF, embryo adoption, and miscarriage all have in common?

They’re topics which will be addressed at the Infertility Ethics Symposium at Concordia Seminary in St. Louis on Saturday, November 8th. Please, do everything you can to make sure your pastor can attend.

Here is an itinerary of the day’s events as well as descriptions of the papers which will be presented.

You can find out more information about the symposium as well as how to reserve your pastor’s spot by visiting LCMS Life Ministry’s website.

It’s time for the Church to speak on these things.

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I Remember You

16003520-medical-recordIt had been years since my last ultrasound, but I was talking with the ultrasound technician at my doctor’s appointment. She and I were chatting about our families and how things were going for each of us. After a bit, she said, “I remember you, Kristi.”

Stunned by her comment, I asked, “Why would you remember me?”

With certainty, she replied, “Well, there are quite a few women who come here with their third, fourth, or fifth pregnancy. Their ultrasounds are fine, so I don’t really remember them. Your situation was unique and also sorrowful. I prayed for you.”

And there I was comforted. While that wasn’t the reason I wanted to be remembered, I was still grateful. “Thank you for your prayers. I am thankful that God has given me so many blessings.”

We went on to talk about God’s good plan for His children. While we do not understand God’s timing, we trust that He will only do what is best for us.

What If…

10588494-pregnant-woman-holding-big-question-mark-all-on-white-backgroundWhile at the doctor’s office for a routine physical exam, I decided to ask about the official diagnosis for my barrenness. My physician is a wise soul, and, since she hadn’t been my primary physician years ago, she asked a variety of questions. We visited back and forth, reviewing my medical history. I assured her that I did not NEED to know the exact reason for my barrenness; I was merely asking out of curiosity.

After more discussion, she asked, “So if you could get pregnant, would you?” She caught me completely off guard. “Wow,” I replied, “nobody has asked me that question in the past several years.” She quickly apologized and assured me that I need not answer that question. “No, I do want to answer that,” I told her. “You surprised me because that scenario has not entered my mind since we began the adoption process eight years ago.” I went on to share with her that I believed all children to be gifts. If God would bless our family with another biological child, then I would definitely receive him/her with great joy. At least I think I would. Right?

I pondered her question over and over again. At times, I was excited. God could bless our family yet again with a child. At other times, I was terrified. I have just survived a challenging eighteen months with the arrival of our two youngest children. Could I handle another child right now? I thought that our quiver was going to have three arrows, so I wasn’t even considering the possibility of more children. I was being challenged. I could feel myself trying to take control of a possible pregnancy situation. Why, oh, why was I trying to take the reins of something that is completely out of my hands?

Thanks be to God for His continuous forgiveness, despite my attempts to be in charge. God knows what’s going to happen. The “What if….” question may play out for years to come. What if we do get pregnant? Will I be able to handle all that a pregnancy entails? What if we don’t get pregnant? Will I remain thankful for my blessings? “What if…” can be a dangerous question because it leads me down paths that may not be what God has in mind for me. This I KNOW, however…. God is in control, and He is always working for my eternal good.

What’s Your Job?

“What is your job, anyway?” one of my best friends asked me this week. “You know, this thing you do. The driving around everywhere to listen to peoples’ problems.”

Huh. I knew what she was asking, but I didn’t know how to answer. Because I’m not exactly sure myself. “Facilitator, I guess.”

I thought for one more moment before nodding my head. Yes, that’s the best word I could think of for it. I’m not a trained social worker; I don’t have an official call as a deaconess in the church; I’m not employed by any organization to do this traveling-speaking-listening-thing. But still. People want, even need, the chance to get together to talk about all kinds of things – suffering, barrenness, secondary infertility, chronic pain, infertility ethics, miscarriages, estranged children, dead family members, you name it – and it’s my privilege to facilitate that getting together.

My friend nodded and did that thing she does so well. She waited for me to say more, for she wasn’t being sassy in her questioning. She was being helpful, encouraging me to process and talk about my strange vocation.

“Actually,” I confided, leaning against her kitchen counter for support, “this may sound silly, but I kind of think of myself as a mother of women whose own mothers live far away or are already asleep in Jesus. They need a woman to hold their hand, listen to them, hug them, comfort them, and remind them of God’s faithfulness to them in Christ Jesus. They need a mother. I get to be that for them, sometimes.”

I felt my face warm at this very personal admission. I’m barren, but I had just called myself a mother. I hastily explained, “I just don’t blog about it very much, because I feel weird admitting it to others.”

But it’s true.

So I just blogged about it.

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The Wisdom of Kristi

P1060196More than a few times along this HRTB blogging journey, I have been broken in such a way that required someone else putting me back together. That someone was almost always Kristi.

“I don’t think God’s going to give us any children,” I remember sobbing into the phone to her one afternoon. I felt so worthless to the world as a childless, married woman, and the guilt and shame of barrenness and failed adoptions and empty arms threatened to overwhelm me.

“I love you just the way you are,” Kristi spoke evenly into my ear. “I wouldn’t change one thing about you. God has given you what you have today, and He works all things for your good. You are blessed even without children.”

When scathing correspondence began pouring in from IVF advocates around the world, Kristi kept me on task.

“People need to be educated in a gentle yet honest way,” she cheered, “one that points them back to Christ, Who keeps them.”

There were even times when Kristi seemed almost telepathic, as if she could sense what particular burdens and doubts I was struggling against that day.

“Your marriage has been blessed by God,” she pointed out, “despite not being blessed with children either biologically or adopted. Your marriage is a gift from the Lord, and that is something to be cherished.”

But there is one little bit of correspondence from Kristi that, still to this day, moves me more than anything else. It’s just so selfless and generous. For, from across an ocean and in the middle of a sleepless night just after her adopted baby girl had finally been put into her arms for the first time, Kristi emailed me – insignificant, childless me:

“I know there is joy and pain for you personally on this day. Know this, dear sister, you are loved for who you are TODAY. Your worth is found in the shadow of the One who has borne all of our suffering. His gifts are yours each and every day, despite your earthly pains and sorrows. You. Are. Loved!” 

Even now, the fact that Kristi put her own joy on hold to sit with me in my grief, stings my eyes with liquid salt.

Kristi is that person who tells me the truth – the unpolluted Truth which comforts and restores – when I need to hear it the most, and I am better for it.

That’s why, whenever I sit down to write a post on this website, I try so hard to be like her.