Thank you to radio station WJAG and Susan Risinger for interviewing Jerome and Kristi (site host) and Joanna for the “Morning Show.” Susan asked the Leckband family about their upcoming trip to China to adopt their little girl. You can listen to the interview, which will air about 7:45am on Friday morning.
Click here for a direct link to the radio station. Then click on “Listen Live.”
After the interview airs, it will go into the Resources section of our website.
For those of you out there who are still trying to figure out what God’s will is for you as a barren woman/couple so that you can carry it out, here is yet another reminder of what that phrase really means:
“Now that is the will of God which Christ both did and taught. Humility in conversation; steadfastness in faith; modesty in words; justice in deeds; mercifulness in works; discipline in morals; to be unable to do a wrong, and to be able to bear a wrong when done; to keep peace with the brethren; to love God with all one’s heart; to love Him in that He is a Father; to fear Him in that He is God; to prefer nothing whatever to Christ, because He did not prefer anything to us; to adhere inseparably to His love; to stand by His cross bravely and faithfully; when there is any contest on behalf of His name and honor, to exhibit in discourse that constancy wherewith we make confession; in torture, that confidence wherewith we do battle; in death, that patience whereby we are crowned; — this is to desire to be fellow-heirs with Christ; this is to do the commandment of God; this is to fulfill the will of the father.” Cyprian (ANF 5:451).
You see, it’s not about whether to adopt or try and fix the reproductive system. It’s not about whether to do foster care. It’s not about domestic versus international. This is all adiophora (things neither forbidden nor commanded). Do what makes sense to you, what you’re financially and physically capable of and what is ethical. God’s will has to do with what Jesus did, perfectly, in our place, because we are incapable of fulfilling it.
Rest assured that it was. It still is. And it will continue to be.
So stop fretting and just make that decision.
Question Submitted: What do you think of NaProTECHNOLOGY?
My husband and I are actually trained in NaProTechnology. It was first presented to us ten years ago by our pro-life and Roman Catholic friends as an ethical alternative to the pill, and, in our self-acclaimed wisdom, we trained in it the summer before our wedding to ultimately avoid pregnancy in our marriage. For the next two years, I carefully charted and met with a nurse (year one) and a doctor (year two) for guidance and assessment. As you know, we were quite successful with the method.
We have since then used NPT to try to get pregnant, and it has not been so successful for us there. I was able, however, to point a few seminary friends suffering from PCOS to a local doctor trained in NPT, and some of them are mothers today.
My humble opinion: As an educational tool, I am not opposed to NPT. I learned a lot about my body that helps me cope with the ups and downs of barrenness today; however, you will notice that I do not publicly advocate for it. My main reason is that most people who ask me about NPT are not interested in using the method as healing medicine but as something very different.
My husband and I regret our decision to avoid pregnancy early in our marriage. Sometimes, I even regret knowing all the ins and outs of my cycle, hormones, etc. It is something I can never unlearn, and there are definitely days when I would rather forget all about it.
“Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin.”
— The Three Little Pigs
Remember Beth, my friend whose hormones are about as balanced as our federal budget? While Juliet was finally experiencing “torches that burn a little less brightly,” Beth had a breakthrough of her own (or so she thought)–one that would relieve her from one of the most annoying complications related to ovaries that overproduce cysts: the detestable chin hairs.
Beth had just received an unexpected monetary gift which would allow her to have a little fun and think outside the budget that she and her family were normally confined to. “Hmmm…” she thought to herself (and then told me, of course), “Should I get a new food processor? Save up for a vacation? Update my wardrobe?” The possibilities were endless, until an idea struck her that made her stop what she was doing and practically giggle with glee.
“I could get laser hair removal of my chin hairs!” she almost shouted. She could really do it and they’d be gone. FOREVER. She could hardly contain herself. Once the Dear Husband returned home from work she broached the subject with him cautiously. Yes, the money was given to her and for her alone to use, but they had agreed to discuss all money matters before purchases were made. Would he think this was frivolous spending? Would he laugh? Would he scoff?
“So I was thinking,” Beth began hesitantly when she found an appropriate moment. “I have this money you know, and the thought occurred to me that I could use it for laser hair removal. For my chin. You know how much that annoys me. Do you think it would be OK?”
Without hesitation DH replied enthusiastically, “Absolutely!” Might I point out, a little too enthusiastically. “Then I won’t get scratched anymore,” he added for extra emphasis.
“Yikes! It’s that bad!” Beth realized in a moment of temporary humiliation, followed quickly by relief that it would not have to endure much longer.
The following day she picked up the phone and made The Call.
“Ideal Image. This is Amanda, how can I help you today?”
“I’d like some information about hair removal from the chin,” responded Beth in a confident, “I’m gonna to take this bull by the horns” tone of voice. (Or was it “I’m gonna to take this piglet by the whiskers”?)
“Certainly,” Amanda said. “Can you tell me what color the hairs are?”
What difference does that make?
“Well, they’re blonde.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, our laser technology uses color to search for the follicles. It won’t work on blonde or white hairs. Is there any other part of the body you’d like to address?”
The line was silent for several seconds, but in that brief timeframe Beth went on a mental tirade.
“Is this for real? Did you just say it can’t be done? What is this, the Middle Ages? We just put a vehicle on Mars for crying out loud and you’re telling me your laser technology can’t find the light colored hairs?! I don’t believe it. You’ve got to be kidding me.”
But perky-voiced Amanda wasn’t kidding. The dream was over. The hairs would remain. Beth got a grip and the anger turned to self-pity. She whispered a tearful, “No, but thanks,” and hung up the phone.
She should have known that it was too good to be true.
Fairytales are only in books.
THE END
Summer brings a host of weddings. How often, though, do you listen to the vows? I mean, really listen.
I, Andrea, take you, James, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part. And I pledge you my faithfulness.
The bride and groom promise to love each other through a variety of circumstances. I never stopped to think about all of the times that would be included in the phrase “for better, for worse.” I knew that there would be rough patches, but barrenness wasn’t even on the radar.
My husband and I desire to fill our home with joy and laughter, and if it God wills it, children. Unfortunately, sin is a part of marriage, too. Our bodies are sinful and broken. Multiple children have not been given to us. That definitely falls into the “for worse” category. Children are God’s gift to give. Is there a solution? How about some kind of medical procedure? Does that procedure follow God’s design for marriage and family, or does it compromise God’s plan for the one man-one woman union?
No matter if children are part of our family or not, God has brought me to my husband. Yes, there will be days that are worse than others. There will even be months and years that are terrible. Through it all, though, I am thankful that God provides comfort through my loving spouse. I never dreamed that barrenness would be part of my marriage. And still I am loved – by my husband, by my family, and by my church. I’ll file that in the “for better” category.
Question Submitted: I am overwhelmed with the options out there for couples dealing with infertility. My husband and I are embarking on an IUI cycle this month which will include clomid, menopur, and hCG. I feel like there is a lack of information available regarding treatment options outside of IVF. I know where my beliefs stand on this, but the other options are pretty fuzzy for me. I feel pretty confident in my decision since it will not involve selecting good/bad embryos, but I still wonder where that line is regarding going beyond God’s plans and trying to take matters into your own hands.
Fuzzy. I think that’s a key word in your question. You’re absolutely right about there being a lack of clarity within our Christian circles about fertility treatment options. I applaud you for seeing clearly that IVF is not an option and for loving your neighbor by avoiding this process. But what about the other methods? Aside from the herbal or pharmaceutical treatments that can be taken to simply help with ovulation, the other options really revolve around the donation of sperm and the injection of that sperm into the womb, otherwise known as insemination.
“I still wonder where that line is…” you confess. Don’t we all? My husband and I dealt with this, too, as you can read about in a previous post, How Close Can We Get? But here’s a quick summary: we don’t know for sure where that line is. The Bible, which gives us God’s Law-those clearly drawn lines that are unmistakable-does not discuss IUI’s or GIFT or Clomid. As with many other modern scientific possibilities, Christians have to use what the Bible does give us in order to help guide our ethical decisions. I really think the post just mentioned is the best answer to your broader question, but I will try and unpack some of the other specifics here.
There are a couple of aspects to consider when looking at insemination procedures. First, there’s the fact that sperm needs to be collected. Second, conception would occur outside the act of intercourse. Both of these are a big deal and need to be taken seriously. The sperm collection topic will be addressed in a future post since there is so much to cover with that one (yes, the Bible does actually have something to say about this!). Let’s take a look at the second aspect.
The truth is, there just isn’t a unified opinion among conservative church bodies, including the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, about the necessity of intercourse for conception. The majority say that insemination, while done between a married couple, in no way violates their one-flesh union. They are using the broad definition, of course, that the union is the joining together of a man and a woman in a sexually faithful relationship for life. Narrowly speaking though, during insemination there is no physical union of fleshes at all. And it’s for that reason that the idea has always made me and my husband uncomfortable.
“You mean my husband and I don’t even have to touch each other and we can conceive a baby?” I remember thinking when we first looked into all those treatments. I had always thought the biblical references to our patriarchs “knowing” their spouses and then conceiving was so romantic. “Know” is such a great biblical word. It covers more than just the modern definition of sex, which so often occurs now between two people who have just met and don’t even know each other’s last names. I believed that “knowing” involved all those wonderful things that marriage should be: shared interests, shared faiths, shared experiences, a shared name, and shared bodies. This “knowing,” this union, was supposed to combine these two separate beings to produce another flesh, a child.
I realize that this romantic idea of my husband and I producing a miniature version of ourselves as a result of our physical love is probably never going to happen. But the desire to make that dream come true has never been strong enough to drive us to remove the physical aspect from the “knowing” of each other in order to achieve the end goal.
There isn’t a commandment about this. As I mentioned, most pastors would probably say that my conscience is over-active. But when you go against your conscience you are sinning, regardless of whether the action you are doing is, in fact, sinful. “I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean,” Romans 14:14, and “For whatever does not procede from faith is sin,” Romans 14:23. The study note in my Bible explains these verses further: “If one’s conscience is not clear before God regarding certain behaviors, one dare not engage in them,” (TLSB pg. 1938).
“I feel pretty confident in my decision…” A decision as big as this needs to be made without a nagging conscience and with the support of your pastor. If you aren’t able to get both of these, pray for strength to step back and re-evaluate your options. And if you’re not sure what to pray, just open your hymnal.
Oh, that the Lord would guide my ways,
To keep His statues still!
Oh, that my God would grant me grace
To know and do His will.
Order my footsteps by Thy Word
And make my heart sincere;
Let sin have no dominion, Lord,
But keep my conscience clear.
Lutheran Service Book, hymn 707, verses 1 & 2
God Himself causes our suffering. He is not the cause of sin, mind you, but He is the cause of our suffering. [p.32] Those are the words of Dr. Gregory Schulz in his book The Problem of Suffering: A Father’s Hope.
As I read Dr. Schulz’s book, I began to think he had a window to my heart. As he shared the struggles of pain and suffering surrounding the death of two of his children, he asked why these things could happen. I asked that same question surrounding my barrenness. He wrote based on his experiences as a father and a husband. He asked why suffering happens. He questioned suffering in the world. I asked those very same things. Dr. Schulz pointed me to Jesus, the only relief from suffering.
We experience death, pain, sorrow, and grief. How can suffering come from God? Suffering is real. Suffering hurts. Suffering drives us to our knees. Suffering demonstrates to us that we are mortal. We cannot cure every disease. We cannot prevent death. We cannot administer the drug that takes away aches and pains.
No, our only relief lies in Jesus Christ. He took all of our sin sicknesses and sufferings and ingested them into Himself on the cross – for us. We are made holy in our baptisms. Once baptized, though, we are signed up for a lifetime of suffering.
There is great temptation to say that our suffering will come to a fairy-tale ending in this world. On the contrary, in this world we will have pain and sorrow. It would be foolish to insist that our suffering is going to have a glorious finish. This is a sinful world, and while we dwell in it, we will not be safe from sin. When the body and soul of the believer in Christ are united with Jesus, THEN all suffering will end. This is why we pray in the Lord’s Prayer, “But deliver us from evil.” True relief is peace in Christ.
In this world, we will experience disappointment, heartache, death, miscarriage, and so much more. Take heart, dear sisters and brothers in Christ, you are not alone. Dr. Schulz writes: “…even the Gospel doesn’t give us absolute rest as long as we are away from home in this vale of tears. It can and does bring us the Good News of Jesus, the rest for our souls, but we still experience anger and anxiety.” [p.124] He continues: “My joy is not complete. It cannot be, until God grants us all a blessed reunion in heaven.” [p.125] God does not abandon you. He loves you, and He understands your suffering.
I commend this book to you. Grieve with Dr. Schulz. Live under the cross of Jesus until He takes you to Himself, where all suffering ends.
Some people say the wrong thing. Some people ask nosy questions. Some people say the wrong thing, ask nosy questions and make unhelpful predictions about the future. These are people you should avoid at all costs. This week I had no choice but to confront someone who has a reputation for not knowing the meaning of tact. Our regular medical practitioner was unavailable for our checkup, so we had the misfortune of seeing that guy. Here’s how the conversation played out. Keep in mind, the checkup was for the child, not me:
Dr. Tactless: Now, this one’s adopted?
Me: Yes.
Dr. Tactless: And you have another one who’s adopted, too, right?
Me: Yes, he’s eight now.
Dr. Tactless: So…is that something you planned to do, or was there something wrong?
Me: Well…I’ve only been pregnant once, and then I had a miscarriage.
Dr. Tactless: I see. So something is wrong with your system.
Me: We…uh…don’t know for sure. I’ve had some issues with endometriosis in the past but feel pretty healthy now.
Dr. Tactless: And your husband’s sperm count is normal?
Me: Ummm…he, uh,…he seems to be healthy, too.
Dr. Tactless: Hmmm…now how old are you again?
Me: Thirty-six.
Dr. Tactless: Oh, well, you know you could get a surprise later on.
Me: We would be open to surprises.
Dr. Tactless: You know, there’s nothing like the ink drying on adoption paperwork to make for a good fertility treatment (sly, know-it-all half-smile creeping up his face as he nods slowly). Well, the baby looks good. Come back in a month.
Sheesh. I couldn’t get out of that office fast enough.
Don’t you ever wish you could turn the tables, just for once, to show the other person what it feels like? If I could do this conversation all over again, this is how it would be:
Me: So, I don’t see a ring on your finger. Not married?
Dr. Tactless: No, I’m single.
Me: So…was that by choice, or is there something wrong with you?
Dr. Tactless: Uh…no, I was dating a women recently but she left the relationship. I would still like to get married someday.
Me: Hmmm…so something is wrong with you.
Dr. Tactless: I, uh, don’t know about that, exactly.
Me: Now, do you use deodorant and mouthwash regularly? That’s important, you know.
Dr. Tactless: Well, I think I smell OK.
Me: So now, how old are you again?
Dr. Tactless: I’m forty-nine.
Me: I see…You know, there’s this bar at the corner of ___ and____ where a lot of older, desperate women hang out on Friday nights. There’s nothing like a little desperation to get a relationship going (wink, wink). You should try that place. You just might get lucky.
A continuation of A Change of Heart -Part 2…
Keisha couldn’t give me a due date. At one point she said it was the end of March and another time she said it was the beginning of April. She asked me to attend a doctor’s appointment with her that no one at the doctor’s office seemed to know anything about. Things were getting really strange. Then in January the contact with Keisha diminished considerably. She wouldn’t return calls from the agency. She had stopped contacting me. I left messages for her to explain what the agency needed in order to continue preparations for the adoption. She finally called back in February to explain that her phone had been stolen and things were not good with the boyfriend again. Her voice was strained and she sounded tired and overwhelmed. She said she would call me back when things settled down.
I never heard from her again.
Ben and I had, on several occasions, given Keisha suggestions on ways to get out of her chaotic lifestyle, to find help, find a job, move out of the stressful situation she was living in and make a better home for her children. The agency had resources in place for this, too, which is why we had encouraged her to utilize them. But she didn’t and we couldn’t make her, nor did we feel comfortable stepping in and taking over the decisions that were hers to make.
March came and went and so did April. There was no last-minute phone call from the hospital, announcing that she had had the baby and was now ready to finish the adoption process. We had to face it: she had certainly had the baby by then and we were not going to be the parents.
The Lord, in His mercy, had protected our hearts from too much anticipation during this whole ordeal. On many occasions Ben and I discussed how this experience was more than likely just an opportunity to pray for this mother and her children, regardless of the outcome. The agency had warned us that these unusual “matchings” rarely resulted in a placement. We appreciated their candidness and acted on their advice on how to deal with Keisha. This caution kept us from experiencing a real heartbreak when the relationship gradually ceased. We were sincerely concerned for Keisha and her welfare, for the future of this new child and the other children, but we knew that we had done what we could to help and it wasn’t in our hands anymore. To this day we have no idea if Keisha had a boy or girl or if she’s raising the child herself. We sometimes wonder if she was ever really pregnant and if not, why did she act like it? We will probably never know. We just trust that she and her family are in the hands of our loving Heavenly Father, in whom she confessed a strong faith.
I still see the very young single moms at the bus stops and parks and grocery stores, but I look at them differently now. I consider what their pasts may have been like and what options they see for themselves for the future. Now I see not just what they have that I don’t, but I see what’s missing–what I have that they might not. I wonder if it’s a Keisha I’m passing by.
Seeing these women now stirs up compassion instead of jealousy. I have a new perspective that I didn’t have before I met Keisha and was welcomed into her life for such a brief period of time. Even though we invested so much of ourselves into this potential adoption without the joy of bringing a baby home, I still have to thank God for using this experience to open my eyes. I thank God for giving me a change of heart.
A continuation of A Change of Heart – Part 1…
“I think we should call her,” Ben said as we stood in the kitchen that evening, going over the unbelievable events of the day. I had fumbled through the rest of the phone call with Keisha, eventually encouraging her to contact the agency we were already working with. I knew that they could provide her with some resources she might need, as well as be a facilitator between us if she was really serious about wanting to pursue adoption.
Ben continued, “If we are really open to this then we need to find out more about her and the birthfather and her situation so we can know all the facts. What if she decides not to contact the agency for some reason? We might never hear from her again.”
His sentiments both surprised and touched me. He was suggesting a much more aggressive approach than I would have considered and it reminded me that although he did not often express his frustrations with this long wait for a second child, his desire to have a baby was just as strong as my own.
So I called Keisha. She was excited to hear from me again and heartily agreed to come over that very evening to meet Ben and continue our discussion. When she arrived she seemed a bit more timid in Ben’s presence, but still willingly answered the countless number of questions we threw at her.
During the conversation that evening and over the course of the next few months we obtained a picture of this woman and her life, both past and present, that brought to light the realities of what life is like for so many girls who grow up in a culture of poverty. Her father was never in the picture. Her mother was verbally abusive and their relationship now was strained and sporadic. The birthfather–her first and only boyfriend–was repeatedly unfaithful but yet the connection to his family provided her with a place to live, a family support system, and a father to the other three children they had had together. She felt trapped, without any real options in front of her for making a better life.
As she and I visited with each other during this time I couldn’t help but look at my own past and all the privileges I had had: married parents who loved me, moral guidance, boundaries, pastors, a Christian education, a selfless and faithful spouse…too many to count. And I looked at Keisha’s life and felt again a sense of injustice, but this time it wasn’t for me, it was for her.
We eventually had the opportunity to meet Keisha’s other children, whom she obviously loved dearly. Despite the fact that she had experienced very few healthy relationships in her own life, she was a gentle and attentive mother to these little ones who seemed to adore her. These children showered her with the love and affection that she had not received from anyone else in her life. Could it be that perhaps, despite her poor choices, these children were God’s gifts to her to fill a need that no else had even tried to fill? She loved these children, but she felt that a fourth one would be more than she could handle in her current living situation. Family members suggested abortion but this was not an option for her.
For four months we spoke with Keisha and the boyfriend, encouraging them to work with our adoption agency. While both of them seemed adamant that they could not raise this child and that we were the right family to do so, they were reluctant to follow through with visits to and from the agency social workers. “Why?” we kept wondering. “What was preventing them from making that next step?” This was not the only red flag that had emerged. There were others as well. Ben and I knew we needed to proceed with great caution. We prayed, we asked for advice, and we waited, all the while wondering if it was realistic to think that this baby would really be our own someday.
To be continued (and concluded)…
