Question Submitted: A large part of my “story” is what I refer to as spousally-inflicted barrenness. Long story short: my husband’s desire to postpone pregnancy for a year so we would be out of the debt-incurring stage of grad school when a child was born (which I was in agreement with) turned into a season of nearly FIVE YEARS where he was utterly unable to tell me when he would feel “ready” to have a baby. It was a mess. To compound this difficulty, because NFP [Natural Family Planning] only really works for a fertile couple when both people want it to, I became pregnant at least twice anyway and lost the babies in the first trimester. So much heartache in that season. Do you know of resources for women in the situation I was in? Do you have any helpful advice?

This is a tough one. When a husband and wife are not on the same page about something as important as having children, this is a serious division that calls for professional advice. Because of this, I spoke with two pastors and asked for their responses. Here was what the first one had to say:

The question about being ready for children is the same question about being ready for marriage.  God does not differentiate the two.   (For those who are considering marriage, these are the right questions to be asking: Do you both understand that marriage is about the raising of children?  Are you both on the same page concerning children?  What do you think about adoption?  What do you think about IVF and other fertility procedures?  It is imperative to be on the same page on these questions.)  But now what does a couple do that has become married and one of them doesn’t want children?  They can’t just get a divorce and walk away.  This is a profound – even crisis – moment in the life of a married couple.  I would suggest marriage counseling from a good Christian counselor (not just any counselor) and also time with their pastor.  The Lord’s desire is that the man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and that the two become one flesh… being fruitful and filling the earth.  That desire of the Lord hasn’t changed even with our personal desires about what we want to do with our lives.  

These are great comments that a woman experiencing what you did would love to print out and hand to her husband so she can say, “See, I told you so!” However, there are better approaches to winning over one’s spouse. In speaking with the second pastor, I discovered that we wives can certainly make matters worse by the way we approach the topic. Before he’ll be willing to talk to a pastor or counselor, he needs to know that he has our respect and that we’re trying to understand his point of view. Here are some insightful comments from pastor #2:

My wife and I were in an almost identical situation. I was intent on getting my PhD before kids came into the picture. My father had always had dreams of getting his doctorate, but he waited until later in life when he had five children and his responsibilities prevented him from being able to complete the work. I was determined not to let that happen. After seminary, my wife was ready to start a family and I wasn’t. There was a lot of conflict because of our seemingly opposing goals. She was adamant that I didn’t need to continue my studies and that having a family was more important. This was hurtful because she obviously didn’t support my goals. We both dug in our heels and refused to see the other’s point of view. As the Lord would have it, we weren’t able to have children anyway. I look back now and realize that I was wrong to put my personal aspirations above God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply”, and I’ve often thought that if we’d been open to children from the start, perhaps in our “youth” our bodies would have indeed been fruitful. So what could my wife have done differently to convince me not to put off having children? At the time I didn’t see how I could both be a father and a student, and neither did she. And so her goal of having children NOW seemed to be taking away my goal forever. But we were both wrong. Schooling and family are not mutually exclusive. People have done it (though that’s not to say it’s easy). If either she or I had taken this “both-and” approach, it would have been easier for me at that time to listen to what God says about being open to children. 

I cannot help but think of 1 Peter 3:1 in light of these comments: “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives.” Wives in any marriage crisis are called on to be patient and to love, respect, and pray for their man. The more he knows that his wife is his friend and not his enemy, the more willing he may be to rethink what it means to be the head of a family. And even if he still refuses to see a pastor or counselor, the wife should see one by herself . She’ll need someone else to share this burden with her. She’ll need encouragement and the Word of God to help her have a joyful heart as she continues carrying out her vocation as a wife, until such a time as they – like you and your husband – can finally see eye-to-eye on the matter.

WARNING: The following post contains information of a “delicate” nature. We hate to be considered an explicit blog, but sometimes you have to talk about the topics that no one else will. Many thanks to our guest responder, Rev. Dr. Gifford Grobien, assistant professor of systematic theology at Concordia Theological Seminary, Fort Wayne, Ind., for being willing to address such a sensitive topic from a pastoral perspective.

Question submitted: My doctor says that in order to find out the cause of our infertility, my husband should really be tested as well. I guess this requires that he submit a sample of sperm. To my knowledge, this is typically collected outside of intercourse. Although I have heard that there are special prophylactics that could be used to collect it during intercourse but I have no idea where one would obtain these. I know of several other couples where the husband has been tested, but now that we’re in this situation and I have to think about how this is really done, I’m wondering if it’s really OK to do. I know that our end goal is good, and that we’re just trying to give the doctor as much information as he can so he can help us, but something just doesn’t feel right about what he has to do in order to get this sample. Any advice?

This is one of those questions that is extremely difficult both emotionally and morally. Emotionally, certainly, because of the good desire of the husband and wife for children. When this good desire is not fulfilled, a couple may feel shame, guilt, inadequacy or other difficult emotions. They may wonder what they have done wrong that they are unable to have children; if they pray long enough that God will end their infertility. Or they may develop hollow, cynical or withdrawn perspectives, with few or no companions to console and be with them.

The question is also difficult morally. It is easy to look at the goal of taking a sperm sample as being good–to try to have a child; to try to be fruitful. But goals are never isolated from action. The ends in themselves don’t justify the means because the means are not merely instrumental. Action is not merely instrumental. Action engages mind  and body. Action commits a subject to a certain way of being, even if  just for the moment of the action. Action familiarizes a mind and body with the action, so that the action becomes more familiar and easier.  Action, even just once, is habit-forming. This is why we always learn through practice, even a one-time run-through. Reading something even once before presenting it publicly establishes comfort and familiarity. Taking a practice test does the same. Swinging the bat or shooting the basketball or walking through the steps of a recipe with the ingredients in front of you focus your mind and clarify the context. Action is inherently habit-forming.

So, should we encourage the act of masturbation, even if just once? Is masturbation as an act value-neutral? What about using a condom in marital intercourse? Is this better? Any kind of sexual climax outside of uncontracepted marital intercourse inherently separates the pleasure of the act from the sexual union of a husband and wife.  Sexual intercourse means the use of the sexual organs, which is to ejaculate for the purpose of procreation. This is the basic meaning and purpose of sexuality and sexual organs. Sexual pleasure that is divorced from truly sexual (procreative-seeking) union separates two parts of an act that in creation were intended to remain together. Separating pleasure from marital, sexual union introduces a tolerance, an acceptability, a familiarity, a level of comfort with non-procreative sexual stimulation, whether with contraception, or as masturbation or sodomy.

In marital sexual relations the exciting and mysterious integrity of pleasure and procreation remain intact. With each union there is the pleasure combined with the joyous wonder and hope that this might bring forth a new creation. Even those who are scientifically sterile cannot deny that God may choose–in this act–to give life. Even those who are past childbearing age, by maintaining the physical integrity of the act, confess faithfulness to God’s design. They do not denigrate the act by turning it into mere pleasure, but they uphold that in this particular way of giving pleasure to each other, they conform to God’s design for bringing forth a new life, for deepening their own love beyond themselves, to embracing the love of children. They also bring to remembrance for themselves the joyous hope of years past, and excite in themselves an analogous kind of hope–perhaps not for themselves at that moment, but in thanksgiving for what God has given them, or in the joyous hope of life that God brings forth in  others. Most basically, the act still submits to the created way of being.

How much more, then, for those who are of childbearing age, whether seemingly sterile or fruitful. The physical excitement and pleasure of sexual climax, because of its intensity, when separated from the possibility of procreation, is selfish. Physical pleasure is not wrong, of course, but God purposely brings it about in an act that is  inherently selfless–the expectation of a third person and the expansion of love for that person. When the divinely designed integrity between pleasure and procreation is broken by human action, the outward-oriented aspect of the act is lost, so that only the inward-oriented aspect remains.

Is there no option for testing sperm of an infertile couple? Yes, if  there is a way to do it without breaking the integrity of marital sexual relations. There is this possibility: either percutaneous epididymal sperm aspiration (PESA), or microsurgical epididymal sperm aspiration (MESA). The former uses a needle to collect sperm, while  the latter is a minor surgical procedure to collect sperm. It appears that medical providers do not typically think of using these procedures unless a man’s vas deferens is blocked or deficient in some way. It’s also possible that health insurance would not cover them if there is no problem with the vas deferens. Nevertheless, it may be an option for those persistent in requesting it and who meet other medical criteria.

Rev. Dr. Gifford Grobien