Miscarriage

Keeping Watch

I had let my guard down too soon.  I cried.  I grieved for that which was not given to me.

Thanks be to God for you, my dear sisters, who kept watch with me.  You listened and didn’t try to offer a rosy outcome.  You hugged me and cried with me.  You gave me space to let it all out.  You reminded me that I am God’s child, and you prayed for me.  You sent me a baby elephant.  Thank you.

Here We Come!

Won’t you come out and meet us?

Rebecca Mayes and I, God willing, are getting behind the wheel next Tuesday in hopes of meeting YOU. We will be presenting on the topic “Caring for the Barren Woman” at Concordia University Chicago, Concordia Theological Seminary, and various churches in Michigan and Indiana. And – Best of all! – my husband is coming with us. Rev. Michael Schuermann will be available to answer any questions you may have regarding how to care for the barren man.

Location and presentation details can be found here.

If you would like any of the HeRemembersTheBarren.com hosts to present “Caring for the Barren Woman” at a church near you, please let us know via the “Submit a Question” page on this website.

We can’t wait to meet you!

* Photo by Adriane Dorr

You DO Have Joy!

You have joy.

Yes, you do, even when you don’t feel like it. We carry in our bodies not only the death of Jesus but also His life. This joy is true and present for you even when you suffer in your childlessness.

I commend to you this Issues, Etc. interview with Heidi Sias, author and speaker. Listen to it and be reminded of the joy that is yours amidst your suffering.

Proof of the Promises

I know you have days filled with doubt. I do, too.

Does God really remember childless, insignificant, little me? Will He really sustain and keep me through all of this grief and loss?

Yes, my sister, He does, and He will.

My pastor told me about your blog just yesterday. I’m just beginning to get familiar with it, but I can tell from the brief time I’ve been able to spend here so far that it is a wonderful site. The name alone rings so very true! I didn’t have a resource like this as I walked through my 20+ years of actively hoping to have children (and having one miscarriage), nor did I  really know anyone who had been, or was also going through, the pain of infertility. It was a lonely road most of the time, and a resource like this would have been so very comforting! Thank you for opening your hearts to provide comfort to others.

At age 46, having had a hysterectomy several years ago, the door of motherhood is now closed to me for good. I can tell you that through it all, God has sustained and kept me, and has never forgotten me — even when it sometimes really felt like it! His plans for me were different, but they were not less. I am 46 and childless, with all that entails, but I no longer consider myself to be barren. Our dear Lord provides daily opportunities for me to bear fruit as I abide in Him. And in what seems to me to be this very “late” season in my life (which is really all in His good timing), He is even opening the door for me to put my mothering instincts to use in caring for the elderly folks at our church as a volunteer staff member while I pursue deaconess training. He is so very faithful, and there is not a single one of our days that are not in His keeping!

I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of this, other than to say from the perspective of someone who has reached the end of the fertility road without any (living) children, that God is faithful. He loves you dearly, He has not forgotten you, and He makes all things beautiful in their appointed time. May God bless and keep you all as you walk this difficult path. I will be praying for you, dear sisters!

Joanna Barnes

Caring for the Barren Woman – Take Three!

Rebecca Mayes and I are planning to hit the road in April in hopes of meeting YOU. We will be presenting on the topic “Caring for the Barren Woman” at Concordia University Chicago, Concordia Theological Seminary, and various churches in Michigan and Indiana. Won’t you please come out and see us? Location and presentation details can be found here.

If you would like any of the HeRemembersTheBarren.com hosts to present “Caring for the Barren Woman” at a church near you, please let us know via the “Submit a Question” page on this website.

We can’t wait to meet you!

Pep Talk

It’s not a pep talk we give ourselves. It’s not a mantra we repeatedly say in meditation to achieve some kind of inner peace. It’s not a pop psychology trick we employ to convince ourselves that everything is really okay when it isn’t.

It’s simply the truth.

It’s the reality of life in Christ.

It’s the life-giving Word to which our faith responds in feast or famine, in clear water or hurricane, in fruitfulness or barrenness.

So, baptized child of God, let me say it to you again: All things work together for your good.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died – more than that, who was raised – who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:18-39; ESV)

The Fact of the Matter Is…

Kelly Stout reminds us in her reflection on “Advent and Barrenness” that we do not wait for the Lord in vain:

There are many ways the word “wait” is used in the English language. I could be “waiting” for a bus, as in expecting something to happen soon that I know will eventually happen. I could be “waiting” for the day I pay off my student loans, as in looking forward to something spectacular. I could be “waiting” for my friend to arrive off the plane at an airport, as in being in a state of readiness for something to occur.

As a couple who lost our first child in a miscarriage, had our second child through domestic infant adoption, and had our third child through conception and birth, we have learned to use the word “wait” sparingly. It can have a glaringly awful connotation to those going through any of these life events.

“Just wait, it will happen for you eventually!” – A comment said by many (who mean well) to those who are barren or have lost a child to miscarriage (when in fact, it may very well not happen).

“Now that your documents are completed, we just wait for the courts to approve this.” – A sentence every adoptive parent trembles at in anticipation of having an adoption finalized.

“We need to wait for the next ultrasound results before we can make any recommendations.” – A scary statement for any couple “waiting” for a child through pregnancy.

The fact of the matter is – sometimes waiting is excruciating.

In Advent, we wait for our Lord. “Wait,” as in expecting something to happen soon that I know will eventually happen…as in looking forward to something spectacular… as in being in a state of readiness for something to occur.  Oh great, again, we wait. But why does the wait of Advent have such a different connotation than the waiting associated with miscarriage, barrenness, adoption, and birth? That is simple.

First, there are no questions about what WILL happen. I don’t have to wonder what is coming at the end of this wait. I know that my Lord – the baby born in a manger, the God man who died on a cross for me, the creator of heaven and earth, the God who gave me all three of my wonderful children (one being a child I am waiting to meet someday) – I know that my Lord IS coming. The assurance of what WILL happen is a gift from our Lord.

Secondly (and the best part about this type of waiting), my Lord already comes to me through Word and Sacrament. I don’t have to endure this wait without Him. His faith is brought to me by hearing His Word. His true body and blood are present for me in Communion. Kneeling at His table, I have a piece of the heaven I have been waiting for all this time. The Christ Child we speak of during Advent provides comfort, forgiveness, and eternal life through His death and resurrection. These gifts are enough to sustain me through all the waits I have in this life.

To make the moment at the Communion rail even sweeter, I also know that my child who endured an earthly death is there with the angels, the archangels, all the company of heaven, and me.  We are joined in perfect communion with all the saints.

The fact of the matter is – sometimes waiting is heavenly.

Kelly Stout

Promises That Bring Eternal Life

Heidi Sias reminds us in her reflection on “Advent and Barrenness” that though God does not promise all women will bear children, He does make promises – and He keeps them:

“Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years.” In Luke 1, we hear the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth. God made a promise to them that they would bear a son, John. John was to be the forerunner for Christ, and he leaped in the womb when he heard Mary, the mother of our Lord, approach with a greeting. Even as a baby in the womb, John recognized the advent of our King. This was John’s first proclamation of the Messiah, whom Mary carried in her womb, as he recognized this babe who had come to be the sacrifice for the sins of the world and bring salvation to all who believe.

When God makes promises, He keeps them. Elizabeth had a promise from God to finally bear a child even in her old age, however women today don’t have that same promise. They may bear a child, or they may not bear a child. Those who are barren suffer because of the broken world of sin that we live in where everything doesn’t go perfectly. There’s not always a “happy ending” when it comes to having a child of their own. Women who have children of their own also suffer because of the broken world of sin through the heartache that comes with raising a child when everything doesn’t go perfectly. Each woman has her own cross to bear. Though God does not today promise women that they will bear children, He still has many promises for us–promises that bring eternal life for all who believe.

First, in 1 Corinthians 12, God promises that those in Christ are members of one body. In this we depend on one other, rejoice with one another, mourn with one another and comfort one another. Through this, barren women have many children in the family of God. We care for one another and help one another, especially children who need this help. Though a barren woman does not have a flesh and blood child to care for, she does have children in the body of Christ, family, godchildren, orphans and those who are needy, whom she gets to care for as a servant of Christ.

Most importantly however, everyone who is in Christ has His promise of salvation. This includes those who are barren and those who are fruitful. This promise is for you! Elizabeth says to Mary upon her visit, “blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from her Lord.” Women today are also blessed in believing this promise given to us in God’s Word. Jesus Christ fulfilled this promise when He took on flesh and came down to earth as a baby. He grew up to die on a cross. He rose from the dead to conquer death once and for all. He has won salvation for us, this tiny babe of Bethlehem. We can lift up our heads with confidence in His victory for us, as we through faith await His return in the second advent of our King. On this last day He will take us to be with Him, where He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore. (Revelation 21:4) Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly!

Heidi Sias