Parenting

More Glimpses into a Mom’s Heart

Katie’s blog has helped us all open up the lines of communication about barrenness with our spouses, friends, churches and family members. Following suit, I also sent my mom some questions about her experience having two daughters who struggle with infertility and what it was like to welcome an adopted child into the family. Her words are a glimpse into her heart, which she doesn’t often expose in an effort to be strong for her children. I believe she gives a voice to the thoughts and fears that many mothers have but are afraid to share. Thanks mom, for your honesty, compassion, and encouragement over the years. You’ve had to hold up under the strain of this as well–times two.

Watching both of my daughters suffer in their barrenness has been heart wrenching. There is an actual physical pain in my heart when I think about it. There is no greater joy than to carry a child inside of you and I so want that for my daughters. I want to fix this, I want to make it go away and be better. I’m supposed to be able to do this as a mother and I can’t. I have two daughters that can’t conceive now and I wonder what I did during my pregnancy that caused this. Anti-nausea drugs maybe? There is tremendous guilt at times and yet I know that it wasn’t intentional. I know that God is here with all of us and has wonderful plans for my girls, we just don’t know what they all are yet.

One of the blessings that has come from this experience is that I have become an adoptive grandparent. We got to meet our grandson several weeks before he was placed in our daughter’s home. He was sweet but it felt like we were babysitting for a wonderful little boy. During the two weeks that followed I remember feeling like I did when I was pregnant for my second child. I thought at the time, “Will I be able to love another child as much as I do my firstborn?” I wondered if I would be able to love an adopted child as much as my other grandchildren who were born from my son. The second my daughter stepped into her home with my new grandson it was instant love. I felt this tremendous overwhelming feeling of joy and thankfulness that we had this new precious baby! It didn’t matter where this baby came from, he was ours. I continue to feel this way every time I see him and I am in awe that I can be a part of his life. Thank you God.

I still wish that God would give my daughters a child to carry, but most of all I wish a peace and a contentment in their lives. If they are never able to carry another child I pray that God will give both of my girls a peace about it. They are both trying to adopt (one for the first time, the other for a second) and it has been a long, long process. Why God? Because our babies haven’t been born yet. I am impatient but, “My soul waits on the Lord.”

Barrenness through Mom’s Eyes

My mom Laurie Schepmann is a caring soul, and it is my fervent prayer that my life might emulate her grace and love. She has never wavered in her love for me as I have journeyed from a little girl into a grown woman and am now dealing with the cross of barrenness. Below is a letter that Mom wrote. I share it with you as a reminder that you are loved as a daughter, whether or not you are a parent.

Dear Kristi,

I do want to say once again that your value or worth or whatever you want to call it has never diminished in our eyes because of your barrenness. The same goes for our love for you. Such a thing would never enter our minds. You are our daughter, and nothing can change our love for you or the bonds that tie us to each other.

I do appreciate how difficult a thing it must be to share something like barrenness when one views it as a humiliation or degradation of oneself. I, however, have never felt that it lessened a person, or more specifically YOU…but, then again, I have not “walked in your shoes.” I understand that there are people who can make you feel that way, though, and the only thing I know is to forgive them for their lack of understanding, pray for them, and move on.

Those who are barren are not lessened in my mind one iota. It is just another one of those things over which one has no control. As always, we support each other whenever we can and whenever we finally REALIZE that there is a need. So often, we are not there for others because we have no idea what goes on in their hearts and minds. Thanks be to God that there is forgiveness for us and that He promises to be with us and help us in all of our needs, though!

It has always been my belief that you handled it very well. Little did I know, though, of the turmoil and pain you endured in private. Because of our desire not to snoop, but rather to wait for you to share any news, if and when you chose to, we said very little. If you interpreted that as not caring, I apologize and feel sorry about it.

We are looking forward to the time when you can bring your adopted child home! Whoever he, or she, may be, we know this child will find welcoming hearts and laps and hugs in our family. My prayers for that child, as you know, have continued from the first time you told us that you were applying for a child! (In anticipation of his/her joining us soon, we’ve already bought him/her a Christmas stocking.) May our loving Heavenly Father, Who knows all of our needs, bring that child to us soon and in accord with His divine wisdom and will; for, He surely knows and loves us more than anyone else. We know that special love through His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ!

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us and with others, who are traveling that same, painful road. May God bless you for your courage and help many others through you. God works all things for good to those who love Him.

Love,
Mom

A Dad’s Love for His Little Girl

Pastor Roger Schepmann is my dad, and he has graciously given me permission to share his thoughts surrounding my barrenness. Dad has always been a stronghold for our family and has always loved me unconditionally. I am blessed to be “Daddy’s little girl.”

As a father, I like to have everything go smoothly for my children. When they were little, I’d tell them to bring whatever it was that needed fixing, so I could fix it, and they would be happy. Example: the child has fallen and his/her knee hurts. Well, I’d kiss it to make it better. Or, if some toy needed some minor repair, they could bring it to me, and I’d do my best to fix it. Now, I’m not a “Mr. Fix-It,” but I’d do my best.

When it comes to barrenness, as a father, I still think it is something I should fix. I want to fix it somehow so my daughter can have all the children she has ever wanted. But it is something I cannot fix. I’d like to fix it, but I can’t. That’s why I simply put the entire matter into the hand of God. He knows what to do or not to do. He has it all figured out already. And I have to realize that He can do the impossible. That doesn’t mean He must, but He has the capacity to do what might be deemed as “impossible.” So, I commend my daughter and her husband into the hand of God for I know God will work good through this very difficult matter.

Do I think less of my daughter for being barren? Not at all. She is who she is: a child of God, made God’s own in Baptism, kept God’s own through the Spirit’s working in Word and Sacrament. She is not any less a child of God because she is unable to conceive a child. She is still “Daddy’s little girl” and will remain such. I have always been very proud of her. That has not changed. Barrenness does not define who she is. It is a cross she bears, but not one she bears alone. As a father, I am here to listen, to pray, and to give her the support she needs. I don’t always do a good job of all of that, but with God’s help, I will do better in the weeks and months ahead of us.

“God is our Refuge and Strength, an ever-present Help in trouble.” Ps. 46:1

Christian Man-to-Man Advice about Dealing with Barrenness

Thank you, Rev. Dr. Benjamin T. G. Mayes (husband of Rebecca), for generously responding to the following question recently submitted.

Question Submitted: Any ideas for barren husbands? This may be harder on me than on my wife. We’re a happy family of 2, but I have rough days missing children we won’t have.

Brother, here are some random thoughts to give an answer to your question. My sense is that men have totally different feelings about barrenness and lack of children. Most men are probably able to compartmentalize the disappointment that they feel when they realize that their family might not include any little ones. We probably are not all the same. As for me, there were times when I did not feel the desire for children. Of course, that’s when I thought it would be easy to have them! We always seem to want what we don’t have, isn’t that true?

I have one son, who is definitely not a baby any more. He has been a major blessing to me and Rebecca, so I’m afraid I’m not in your exact situation. But now, I, too, wish to have another child of my own, and who knows if and when that will happen?

I don’t think anything can take the place of having your own child, just like nothing can take the place of having your own wife. God gives different gifts to different people, but those gifts are unique and not interchangeable. The woman with five kids might be tempted to see those kids as a burden. For us, we feel the lack of children as a burden. We feel that we lack little ones on which to shower our love. I don’t think anything can take the place of those kids. So that is the one major caveat I have to give here. The following tips may not fill the hole in your life and family that you are feeling. But they might help, and they will certainly be good reminders of the truths you probably already know.

1. Katie and her team here have amassed a treasure trove of Gospel comfort for barren families, including you.

2. As I’m sure you know, our primary identity and joy (we must remind ourselves!) should come from belonging to God’s family, having God as our true Father, the church as our true mother (cf. Matt. 12:50; Gal. 4:26), and other Christians as our brothers and sisters. If you are a pastor, you also have children in the faith through your preaching, teaching, and baptizing (1 Cor. 4:15).

3. On a practical level, obviously pursue adoption if you’re able.

4. Since you don’t have kids, you may as well save up some money and splurge on doing some special things with your wife, like traveling or investing in some of the hobbies you both enjoy. I would personally suggest checking out beautiful art and architecture in Germany and Italy! Then, of course, you might also be able to afford being generous to others.

5. I’d recommend becoming a mentor for boys or young men in your area. Many boys have no father figures and really need one. I’ve had the opportunity to become involved in the life of a young man, my godson, who was baptized at our church when he was 8 (now he’s a teenager). He was adopted by his great-grandmother and had no father figure to look up to. So he comes to our house every Saturday night, and we have what you might call a family night, so that he can see how a man should treat his wife, so that we can play games together, and also have time to talk about questions that he wouldn’t feel comfortable asking grandma. It’s been a great experience for me, and for him, too. Maybe for you, spending time with the church’s youth group would allow you to show the love of Christ to young people. It doesn’t take the place of having your own son, but it is a way that someone in your position can truly help a young man and show him the love of Christ. And truly, if the Lord has not blessed you with physical children, showing the love of Christ is more important than having a child of your own.

In summary, I think men probably approach the issue of barrenness with more detachment than our sisters in Christ, but what does detachment really mean? It means that we can compartmentalize our sorrow and put it in a box so that it doesn’t bother us all the time. But it is still there. We pray to God for solace, and He gives solace when and where it pleases Him, not when and where it pleases us. In the meantime, He has given you the best solace in His Son and Holy Spirit (the Comforter!), and at the same time, I think He gives you other blessings and avenues of service that might just be unique to people in your situation.

—Rev. Dr. Benjamin T. G. Mayes

Auntology

auntology [an-tol–uh-jee] noun. 1. The science of being the sister of one’s father or mother, the wife of one’s uncle, or an older woman who is respected by but not necessarily related to the speaker. 2. The sum or characteristics of the mental states and processes of an aunt.

The system of auntology is difficult to explain, but aunts around the world clearly understand and universally practice this science upon the arrival of nieces, nephews, godchildren, and children of dear friends. Perhaps auntology can best be defined by listing a few of the classic tenets and principles that are upheld by its most devoted students:

1. Arms were made for snuggles and hugs.

2. Always wear clothing suitable for bending, jumping, running, climbing, spinning, sword fighting, skipping, shooting, and wrestling.

3. Quarters and candy are the best bribes for catechismal memory work. Have plenty on hand at all times.

4. Secrets whispered by nieces and nephews must be taken to the grave.

5. “I wish you were my mommy” really means “Aunts are rockstars!”

6. “Amen” is your special word at every baptism. Say it loudly.

7. No song or dance is too silly for the moment.

8. Narnia books always sound better if read aloud with a British accent.

9. Prayer lists only get bigger, not smaller.

10. Ice cream really does make it better.

11. Silly face pictures. Every. Time.

12. You will climb the tree when no other adult will.

13. Never get out of bed before your nieces and nephews have a chance to wake you.

14. You don’t smell like milk, so help a mother out and take the crying baby.

15. Fight for the right to be Yoda instead of Vader. Being the oldest in the room has to count for something.

16. Your lap will never be big enough.

17. Pretend play is always more fun if you use medical terms.

18. You can do no wrong in the eyes of the child you love, so make sure you do only right.

19. In the inevitable moment that you break #18, be sure to admit you are wrong and apologize.

20. Your nieces and nephews are never too old to hear you say, “I love you.”

And that is auntology. Further questions may be directed to an aunt near you.

Writing Contest

HeRemembersTheBarren.com is hosting a writing contest!

Tell us in 600 words or less about “Advent and Barrenness.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren. The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 20th. The winner will be announced on Christmas Day.

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Throughout this Advent season, we remember that Jesus Christ, the Son of God and second person of the Trinity, took on flesh for our salvation. We look ahead to His second advent on the last day. O come, O come, Emmanuel!

+Anastasia+

Thank you, Pastor Chepulis, for writing these words of comfort and for sharing them with us for our benefit:

On July 5^th, 2011, I stared at the deafeningly silent ultrasound monitor. I watched the technician stoically glare at the screen, her foot nervously shaking. No heartbeat. The only sounds were the rapid thumping of my own heart and the gentle humming of the ultrasound machine. We learned our first child had died around the tenth week of pregnancy.

We went back to the hospital very early the next morning to have the child surgically removed- an extremely long and silent 85-mile drive to Grand Forks, ND. Then, the following week, my wife Amy and I, along with our families, gathered at the cemetery of St. Paul Lutheran Church in rural St. Thomas, ND, where our circuit counselor officiated a grave-side service for our little one.

David confesses, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:13-16) God creates life; life that begins even at the earliest stage of development.

God saw our little one as she was being intricately woven together. He lovingly formed her body and imparted to her a soul. Our child is a person created by God; a person for whom Christ Jesus suffered, died, and was raised again; a person who is loved by God and her mother and father.

There is Gospel for faithful Christian parents. Not that the faith of the parents save their child, but as parents who prayed for the child and brought him or her to church, Christian parents are to be distinguished from those of other religions; and Luther certainly sets his thoughts this way.

A good friend of Luther’s, Rev. John Bugenhagen, wrote a commentary on Psalm 29 and in the appendix to his book Luther wrote about Christian women who suffer miscarriages, “…because the mother is a believing Christian it is to be hoped that her heartfelt cry and deep longing to bring her child to be baptized will be accepted by God as an effective prayer. It is true that a Christian in deepest despair does not dare to name, wish, or hope for the help (as it seems to him) which he would wholeheartedly and gladly purchase with his own life, were that possible, and in doing so thus find comfort…One should not despise a Christian person as if he were a Turk, a pagan, or a godless person. He is precious in God’s sight and his prayer is powerful and great, for he has been sanctified by Christ’s blood and anointed with the Spirit of God. Whatever he sincerely prays for, especially in the unexpressed yearning of his heart, becomes a great, unbearable cry in God’s ears. God must listen, as He did to Moses…” (Luther’s Works: AE Volume 43; Copyright 1968; Fortress Press; Published Concordia Publishing House; Saint Louis, Missouri, page 247, 248)

The Lord has heard the prayers offered on behalf of the child by her mother, father, friends and family. Prayer isn’t simply psycho-therapy to make one feel better but they ascend to God like sweet incense, and He is, indeed, moved by them. We don’t just wag our tongues in prayer, but God Himself has promised to hear them.

We have been given hope and comfort from a God who hears the petitions offered to Him by His people; hope and comfort that flow from the grace and mercy of our Lord, who came to earth, died on a cross for our sins, for even the sins of our little child. He went to the deathly grave, but it couldn’t hold Him; rather, He was spit back out. Jesus has conquered death and the grave for us. He is risen and has given the promise that all who trust in His work of salvation we will be raised to new life in Him on the last day.

What a gift our Lord has given us! Forgiveness, salvation, and eternal life graciously given to us through the death and resurrection of Jesus. Gifts He continues to give through Baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and the precious Word of His Gospel. All the benefits that Jesus won on the cross are given to us through these ordinary means; gifts that our child was given, even as she was developing in the womb.

Though our child, of course, wasn’t baptized, her mother dutifully brought the child to church where the Gospel was preached. The child wasn’t sprinkled with the waters of baptism, but was immersed in the Gospel each Sunday and in our home devotions. The Word is active and alive. It creates faith and trust in Christ. “Faith comes by hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ,” Paul writes in Romans 10:17. The Word of God is powerful and efficacious enough to penetrate the womb and enter the unformed ears of a child.

It is interesting to note that when Jesus healed the deaf and mute man (Mark 7:31-37), the Lord opens his ears by speaking. Jesus said to the man, “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be open” and it was so. The spoken Words of Jesus were the cure for the man’s deafness and his sin. At the command of Christ, His Word entered into the ears of a deaf man and caused, not only his ears to become open, but also imparted to him faith. The tongue that Jesus loosed immediately began to proclaim Christ. As the Word of God entered and restored a deaf man’s ears, so too has it entered the unformed ears of our child.

Our child, even in the womb, was given faith in Christ. She trusted in a Lord who redeemed her. Some might say, “How can a child know of such things?” Faith and knowledge are two very different things. A small child can have faith, but not theological knowledge and a person can have all the theological knowledge in the world but lack faith. We’re not saved by how much we know about God, but through the grace of God brought to us through Christ; that is received by the faith that He gives through His gifts of the Gospel, Baptism, and the Lord’s Supper. (Matthew 19:14) “Let the little children come to me,” Jesus says. Even a child so small can have faith.

David’s child is a good example of this. After his adultery with Bathsheba, the child which resulted in this adulterous affair dies. Not only does the child die, but he dies on the 7^th day, (2 Sam. 12:18) one day short of being brought into the covenant of God through circumcision. Yet David confidently says, “I shall go to him [his child], but he will not return to me.” (2 Sam. 12:23b) David looks to the resurrection where he will go to his son in heaven. He proclaims the trust in a merciful God who has received David’s child. David also makes his confession in the resurrection, that he will see his son again in the flesh. There, at the joyful reunion in Paradise, we will see our child again. What joy to know, what a wonderful promise we’ve been given.

That’s what the Lord does. He doesn’t always give us answers to all our questions, He gives us promises. He promises that though we are sinners from conception, Christ has paid for our sins and the sinful nature we inherited from Adam’s fall. He promises that on the last day, He will raise all the dead from their graves and give eternal life to all who trust in Christ. This is our hope and joy.

A hope and joy that we wish to confess. We don’t know the gender of our child but regardless of gender, we decided to name our child Anastasia. The name Anastasia comes from the Greek word ἀνάστασις (anastasis), which means “resurrection.” Whenever we think of our child’s name, we remember the promise the God has given. The remains of our child that we recently buried won’t remain there forever, but will be raised again out of the grave and we’ll see our child in the flesh. We look forward to seeing Anastasia again at the glorious return of Christ, when He will return to resurrect and bring to Himself all His faithful people. We take great comfort that death has been swallowed up in Christ’s victory. (1 Cor. 15:54b)

Hope and joy, even in the death of a child. God has heard our prayers, worked faith through His Word, and has given eternal life to one so small. We commend our child to a merciful God, who has conquered death for you, me, and our child; looking to the resurrection of all flesh and the joyful reunion in Paradise.

Rev. Mark Chepulis
Our Savior Lutheran Church, Cavalier, ND

Fertility Guilt

Sometimes I feel guilty when I’m around barren couples. I have a healthy eight-month-old who I simply adore, and yet I find myself holding back that joy when I’m in the presence of the childless.

The truth is, three years ago I wondered if I might be barren, too. When I first met Katie, author of He Remembers The Barren, we both didn’t have any children. And we were both honest with each other about how that affected us. I was 29 at the time and two years into marriage. Not too old, but, by many physicians’ standards, losing ground fertility-wise.

Perhaps this is an affect of feminism (It couldn’t possibly be my personality, ha!), but in that season of my life I built up emotionally stoic walls to safeguard against self-pity. And I entrenched myself in my work. Sure, my husband and I wanted children, but if it wasn’t going to happen, then I focused on what was in front of me. After all, I was a deaconess. I had God’s Word in my back pocket (literally), and knew where to go to receive everything I truly needed, rather than wanted.

Then I suffered a miscarriage in 2009. Even though it was very early on (five weeks) and we trust God’s promises for that little one, it shook me only further to think that I might never hold a child of our own. So when I became pregnant again a year later, I kept that stiff upper lip. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Yet as each trimester passed successfully, the magnitude of motherhood began to sink in.

And then joy of all joys, Knox was born. As if making up for nine months (and perhaps years) of emotional avoidance, my whole being and demeanor bursted like a broken dam, as I embodied what I imagined Mary might have felt when she voiced the Magnificat. My soul doth magnify the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

To say I was overjoyed to hold this little person would be a vast understatement. Even now, my cup runneth over as I look at him.

So when I think about how to address this miracle and blessing with other women who cannot conceive, I hesitate. I mean, I don’t want to come off as insensitive to their thoughts and feelings while gushing about my own. But as dear Katie has encouraged and reminded me, it is important to express what a gift our children are to whomever we come into contact.

I am also reminded that the baptismal liturgy urges all Christians to support these little ones in the faith, to nurture and teach them what God says, and ultimately receive His gifts of Word and Sacrament together. This is the barren soul’s invitation to serve in a very important way, as Sponsor and/or fellow Christian.

So please, dear barren sister and brother, forgive those of us who hold back from discussing their children with you. Be patient with them as they get to know you. My guess is that this takes time–for both parties–to eventually feel comfortable speaking freely. Let us pray that God grants us healthy and open lines of communication, rooted in Christ’s love, to bless us all in our given vocations. This so we may rejoice together in His many, many gifts. In Jesus name, Amen.

The IVF Question

Well, it’s time. You knew this would come up sooner or later. It’s just something that can’t be avoided when discussing infertility in the 21st century. Maybe you’re considering the procedure yourself with the encouragement of your physician, family and friends. Maybe you’re tired of hearing about other couples who have successfully conceived by means of IVF while you and your spouse have decided that it’s not an option. Either way, this post is for you.

It wouldn’t be appropriate to dive into this sticky subject without making sure that we define what we’re talking about (courtesy of the Word English Dictionary):

IVF=A technique enabling some women who are unable to conceive to bear children. Egg cells removed from a woman’s ovary are fertilized by sperm in vitro; some of the resulting fertilized egg cells are incubated until the blastocyst stage, which are then implanted into her uterus.

Merriam-Webster defines it similarly. These definitions are medical definitions using medical terminology. What would it look like if we used non-medical English and a biblical understanding of the life process?

IVF=A technique enabling some women who are unable to conceive to bear children. Egg cells surgically removed from a woman’s ovary are fertilized by sperm in a glass dish; some of the tiny human beings who are conceived are kept [in a laboratory] under the proper conditions for development until these children have grown a bit stronger, and they are then implanted into her uterus.

After reading this through again, there is one word that should be jumping out at you as the most important word of all. Did you catch it? Some. It’s so small you almost don’t realize it’s of any significance and yet it changes everything. Some of the tiny humans have a chance at life and therefore some do not. What is implied but not explained is the fact that some of the tiny humans are not needed. They are of no value to the new parents and are therefore destroyed or frozen. If we believe that human life begins at conception, then it’s clear that IVF, as defined here, makes some tiny human lives and then destroys or freezes many of those human beings. That is the main problem.

We know the Bible speaks to this point. The Fifth Commandment, “You shall not murder,” applies to life at all ages and stages. Martin Luther’s explanation to this commandment makes it clear that we have broken this law whenever we employ any procedure that hurts or harms our neighbor in his body and fails to help and support him in every physical need. Christians believe, and now science has acknowledged, that life begins at conception, whether in the womb or in a dish. And all life is precious and worthy of our compassion and protection.

Though difficult to admit, the couple who emerges from a “successful” IVF procedure does so as the parents of both living and dead (or frozen) children. There’s much rejoicing and congratulations exchanged, but no acknowledgement of what’s been lost. Is it ignorance? Or is it apathy? In both cases we have to admit that it is sin. There’s no getting around it.

At this point, let me remind you of the life-changing words from the apostle John: “If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God, who is faithful and just will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrightousness” (1 John 1:8-9). Yes, that means you, too, who are sitting there perhaps without the burden of IVF in your past but plenty of self-rightousness, jealousy, and distrust in your heart to even out the scales. The call to repentance and the promise of forgiveness is yours as well. Christ’s payment for sin was necessary not just for some, but for all. Humility before God and the desire to live and walk under His law in all things prepares the heart to receive the cleansing blood of Christ and the joyous proclamation of forgiveness in the Gospel, both preached and applied individually. Repent, confess, receive, and then put the past behind you. Believe our Lord when He says, “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins” (Isaiah 43:25).

So then, how are we to view the children who survive the IVF procedure and come to full-term, knowing that they were conceived in sin? My friend Katie has the answer: “We can know with certainty that all children are exactly what God tells us they are in His Word: a heritage from Him. Whatever controversies surround in vitro fertilization, the children that are conceived and born to us through such procedures are still a heritage from the Lord. God’s love is what makes any and every child valuable in this life, not the means of parentage.”

Here’s a similar example: Many children adopted into Christian families were conceived outside of marriage. This behavior is not part of God’s plan for procreation. And yet the result of that act is a precious child of God, baptized into His name and living a life under His care and protection, graciously placed within a Christian family. God takes an evil situation and turns it into good, as He has done repeatedly throughout history.

Despite the fact that I desperately want more children, I still could never condone or encourage anyone to engage in immoral behavior that would result in conception, birth, and a potential adoption for me or any other woman. Likewise, we can treasure and be thankful for those children who came to us through IVF, even though the process was not at all how God intended to create families, and even though we hope and pray that others will avoid IVF.

Does Jesus love the children conceived through IVF? He most certainly does. In fact, He’s on their side. He says, “As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me” (Matt. 25:40). But Jesus says this not only about the IVF children who survive, but also about those who are intentionally allowed to die or are frozen. “As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me.” Since life begins at conception, let us never think that IVF, as defined above, is a permissible option for Christians.

For more information on this topic, please check out the following resources:

http://issuesetc.org/archives/nov08/nov19.html (Dr. Kevin Voss of the Concordia Bioethics Institute on Issues, Etc.)

In Vitro Fertilization: Moral or Immoral?

What Are We to Do with the Embryos?

A Review of Reproductive Technologies

Letter from Judy

I recently received the following letter in response to the article “Why Am I Barren?” published in The Lutheran Witness. While the letter is addressed specifically to me, I believe this letter really applies to all of us who bear the cross of barrenness. For this reason (and with Judy’s permission), I reprint the letter here for all of you:

Dear Katie,

Oh, how I wept for you as I read your article in the Witness. No, I can’t say I share your cross for the Lord truly blessed me with fertility. I am a mother, 72 years old, with six sons, ages 54, 51, 50, 47 and twins 44. All I ever wanted to be was a mother, but I also thought I could decide when it would happen.

Marrying young, Mark was born one year after our wedding. Three years later I was happy to be pregnant and give birth to my second son, but thirteen months later, at God’s will, not mine, the next son was born. I was upset, always fearing what people would say. But this one was so easy and so good, how could I not be happy? Having wanted four children, I was determined not to again get pregnant, and, after Scott was born, I was confident I had my family. God does have a sense of humor, however, and much to my dismay, I discovered I was pregnant again. This was at the beginning of the ‘pill’ which I refused to use and long before ultrasounds, so, when I went full term and looked like an elephant, I suffered a good case of hysteria following the birth of the first baby and learning from the doctor that there was another one ‘in there.’ The doctor had convinced me that my size was due to the possibility of having a ten-pound girl. However, I wouldn’t trade any of my sons for a girl, and I have thanked God for the sons he gave me.

You raise the question, “Is barrenness a cross or a blessing?” I might phrase the question, “Is having a large family a cross or a blessing?” As I see it, it is all in the eyes of the beholder and their faith in a loving Heavenly Father whose will is not always our will. Whether or not you will ever be a mother, I do not know, but I pray that you will fill this void in whatever way the Lord gives you. I was given this opportunity and thank God for it and even went so far as to have six foster children and three children with us who were in intensive therapy. I also gave child care to a handicapped boy and later his little sister and just recently spent two years as a volunteer to children in the 3rd, 4th and 5th grades at a Lutheran school. This was very rewarding to me, and I believe I was helpful to these children in supporting them in their education.

You probably wonder why a woman would respond to your question who cannot relate to your situation. I really don’t know why I am, except for the fact I truly sympathize with you. May our Lord and Savior strengthen you as you continue to struggle with this question.

Love in Christ,

Judy

Judy, you can and do relate to me. You know what it is like to have no control over the number of children God gives to you. The fruit of our wombs is markedly different, but our faith is the same. Thank you for sharing in my suffering, and thank you for responding in faith to God’s gift of children to you, trusting that His will is good even when it is different from your own.

Sisters, we are mistaken if we think we alone suffer just because we want what has not been given to us, for there are many women who struggle because they have been given what they do not want.

We know without a doubt from God’s Word that children are a gift from Him (Psalm 127:3-5), but that does not mean these gifts are easy or even always welcome. Women who are disappointed to find themselves pregnant year after year often experience the same temptation we do of wanting in some way to “control” the giving of God’s precious gifts. It is in faith that we trust, in spite of our own personal desires, that God will give (or not give) children to us according to His perfect will. It is in faith that we receive (or do not receive) what He has to give. It is in faith that we trust His giving and His not-giving to be for our eternal good (Romans 8:28). And, it is in faith that we pray with joy, even while we strain under the cross’s weight, “Thy will be done.”

May God grant us faith, like Judy’s, which trusts in His Word, regardless of the cross we bear!