IVF: A Time to Mourn

Each January we are reminded of the millions of lives that have been lost through abortion since Roe v. Wade in 1973. Our churches have been sent materials to help us recognize and discuss the importance of life during this time of year when we remember the monumental court ruling that removed the right to life from the most helpless of our society. I was encouraged this past November to see that the state of Mississippi was allowing its people to vote on whether they believed that life began at conception. There seemed to be so much support for the amendment and pro-lifers were optimistic about the outcome. But it failed. It’s not surprising that Planned Parenthood was working overtime in an attempt to “educate” the public and I’m sure had much influence with some of the voters. But what really got me was that the other group leading the fight against the measure were what some might consider “my own people.” Infertile couples and fertility clinics were frightened by the possibility that, as a result of this measure passing, IVF might also become illegal in their state.

The attitude that helped prevent this amendment from passing came across loudly and clearly in the blogosphere during the time prior to the vote. While most of the barren bloggers that I came across who were against the amendment demonstrated a common obsession with self-interest regardless of what the truth might be, at least they appeared to understand the significance of the statement that life begins at conception. For some reason they fully understood what takes place during an IVF procedure. Many well-meaning Christians do not.

Or maybe they do after all. A CNN article that came out in early November focused on one Christian family who seemed to know exactly what they were doing with IVF, and the possibility of having personhood assigned to embryos didn’t give them reason to pause and reflect about what they had already participated in. Rather, it prompted them to move up the date of their next procedure.

I wish I could have a conversation with this family. I’m curious about how they would justify what they were about to do. Would they point to some Scripture passages that guided them to this decision? Would they say that their pastor counseled them to go ahead with this plan? Or did they simply feel that this was the right thing to do? How do their consciences handle the risk they were taking, when statistically 65% or more of their fertilized embryos will die?

If life begins at conception, and if all life is valuable, why don’t we as a Church likewise mourn for those tiny lives who have been conceived through IVF and either discarded to die, frozen to death, or who simply “didn’t take,” meaning they lost their lives in the struggle for the survival of the fittest? Abortion sacrifices the life of an innocent child for the perceived rights of the mother to control her own body. IVF sacrifices the lives of many children for the hope of one healthy, viable child for a desperate couple. Is one situation any less tragic than the other?

Sisters, please help me with this issue. If you take offense somehow or feel that I don’t have all the facts, please contact me (Rebecca) through the “Submit a Question” section. I want to dialogue about this. I want to know more than I do. Do you have a pastor who supported your own decision to do IVF? If so, I would love to talk to him. I want to find out if I’m missing something. But if I’m not–if I’m right on the money here–then we all need to be engaging our churches more in this topic and helping to educate both pastors and lay people about the significance of our actions when we seek to step in as the creator of earthly life and eternal souls. We need to love and cherish those children in our churches who were conceived through IVF while helping their parents and other couples look for alternative ways to fill the voids in their hearts. We need to repent, confess, forgive, and participate in a unified life together in our congregations, where we all have a common understanding of and appreciation for the sanctity of all human life.

We mourn for the deaths in abortions. We mourn for the deaths in miscarriages and stillbirths. Let us also mourn for the deaths that occur in IVF–deaths that are completely preventable.

Collect: February 5, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site. 

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Dear Lord of Life,

You took on human flesh when you were conceived by the Holy Spirit in the womb of the Virgin Mary. We know that we were each knit together in our mother’s womb and that Your eyes saw our unformed substance and our days were formed for us before our conception. Help all people, especially the barren and those experiencing crisis pregnancies, to comprehend the value of life yet unborn, yet undeveloped, and yet unnamed. Help us to model Your selflessness as You put our lives first on Your way to the cross, though You prayed that the cup of suffering be taken from You. Thank you for heeding  the Father’s will and for having the strength to do so on our behalf. Grant us strength in the midst of our suffering to make choices that will honor the sanctity of all human life and will protect our tiniest of neighbors; for You live and reign with the Father and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen

Pep Talk

It’s not a pep talk we give ourselves. It’s not a mantra we repeatedly say in meditation to achieve some kind of inner peace. It’s not a pop psychology trick we employ to convince ourselves that everything is really okay when it isn’t.

It’s simply the truth.

It’s the reality of life in Christ.

It’s the life-giving Word to which our faith responds in feast or famine, in clear water or hurricane, in fruitfulness or barrenness.

So, baptized child of God, let me say it to you again: All things work together for your good.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died – more than that, who was raised – who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:18-39; ESV)

The Elephant Pregnancy

I admire the elephant mother.  Did you know that she is pregnant for 22 months before giving birth?

Once our family decided to pursue an international adoption, the whirlwind of paperwork began.  We scrambled to assemble our portfolio and rushed it overseas.  After that, there was nothing to do but sit and wait.  Eventually more information was requested about us.  We quickly gathered the necessary papers and sent the information.  Then came more waiting.  When starting the adoption process in 2006, we were informed that our wait would be 13-14 months to receive a child.

It’s now 2012, and we’re still waiting.  Somewhere along the way, I realized that our adoption would not complete its course in a short 14 months.  When the months stretched into years, things didn’t get any easier.  I had let myself get excited, anticipating the addition of a child to our family in a short amount of time.  When that didn’t happen, I buried those feelings of excitement deep inside me.  I focused on my vocations of wife, mother, and friend, rather than dwell on what had not been given to me.  The Lord knew that it was not yet time for our family to add another member.

Recently I talked with my adoption liaison about the events that will occur between our referral and travel.  She was delighted to share some information and prepare me for what is to come.  I was disappointed, though, to hear that the length of time between the referral and travel would be 3-4 months.  Since 2006, I had been told that the wait time would be about 8 weeks.  I was more than disappointed; I was disheartened.  With that news, it became likely that we would not travel until early fall.  Our family would have to wait at least 3 months after referral to see our child.  Another low point.

I don’t know how the elephant does it.  She knows she’s pregnant, and for nearly two years she waits.  That’s a long time, but she can’t change the situation.  To deliver any sooner would be detrimental to the health of her baby.  Instead, she continues to go about her tasks and takes care of herself.  For two incredibly long years.

I know how long waiting can be.  I’ve been doing it for six years already.  And yet, no good thing does God withhold from his children.   Our family must wait several weeks longer.  Can I change that?  No.  I gain nothing by complaining about the circumstances.  Rather, I cling to God’s grace to me. The will of God is always good, and I know that to be true for all believers in Christ.  I have been given more time to pray for this child, more opportunities to prepare our family to meet her, more days to ready our home for her.  I don’t need to worry about the time frame; God has taken care of it for me.

So today I identify with the elephant.  Her pregnancy lasts 22 months.  By the time it’s all said and done, our adoption process will be longer than an elephant’s pregnancy… three times over.  But that’s okay because the Lord knows my needs, and His timing is always the best.  Thanks be to God that He never forgets His children, elephant-wait and all.

The Enlightenment

In Dr. Martin Luther’s Small Catechism he reminds the Christian that one of the jobs of the Holy Spirit is to “enlighten me with His gifts,” and this enlightenment so often occurs when we are hearing the Spirit-filled words of Holy Scripture. Have you ever had that experience? Perhaps you’ve read the passage a hundred times before but suddenly you get it.  It happened to me in church this week. The words hit my ears and penetrated my soul. The sanctuary filled with a bright light while angels sang and harps strummed to a great crescendo. Well, ok, maybe that part was just going on in my head. But the “aha!” moment was so profound that I almost felt like interrupting the service just to ask everyone if they had truly grasped the magnitude of the holy words we had just sung.

“For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11

For a few seconds I wrestled with the “from those who walk uprightly” part. Does this passage really apply to me? I know how deep sin dwells within me. I cannot stand uprightly before God and face Him like I am. But wait–because I have put on Christ in my baptism, doesn’t our Heavenly Father see Christ when He looks at me? Do not the words of absolution I just received remind me that I am forgiven and righteous before God? And do not the righteous walk “uprightly”? YES! This is meant for me!

And then the key words of the passage were finally able to seep into the still empty crevices of my heart, like a soothing ointment that provides instant relief from pain. No good thing does He withhold. It finally occurred to me: God’s not holding out on me.

I hear the cry of a newborn infant in a store and I think, “Oh, what a blessed sound! How good it would be to hear that sound in my own home.” But it wouldn’t be good. Not now. Because if it would be truly good for me then I would already have it.

I hear of young single women who have just discovered that they are pregnant and I think, “Wouldn’t our family be best for this child? Doesn’t the girl realize how much better of a life this baby would have with two parents instead of one?” But over and over God has clearly indicated that it would not be good for those children to be ours. And God wants the highest good for us and for these children.

No good thing does He withhold. This means that right now, in this time and this place, I have all good things from my Lord and Savior. Whatever I feel that I lack is, according to Him, not a good thing for me. He is withholding only those things that are harmful to my body or my soul . He is, as the Psalm also says, my sun, lighting my path to my heavenly home through the promises of His Holy Word so that I do not stumble along the way. He is my shield, protecting me from all things which might lead me to trust in something other than His grace and mercy alone. He is also protecting me from myself and the ramifications of my sinful and selfish desires by covering me with His blood.

He’s not holding out on me. This realization is so freeing, so comforting. Even though we know better we can sometimes still be caught pondering whether our past sins have caused our current heartache. We feel like we’re being punished in some way, like a child whose parent has put his favorite toy up on the shelf because he did not pick up his room when told to do so. But God is not holding out on us. The baby we so desire is not waiting out there somewhere until we can get our acts together, figure out what sin we haven’t confessed, or guess at what God wants us to do next. He is giving all good things to us now–this moment, this day, this week. Alleluia! Let those angels keep on singing! I wish you could hear them, too.

Collect: January 30, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.  

Collect of the Week: 

Let us pray…

Almighty God, You promise that Your Word will endure forever.  We also know that the devil seeks to lead us to doubt Your Holy Word.  Strengthen us to withstand the attacks of the devil, the world, and our sinful flesh.  Comfort those who struggle, especially childless couples and those who mourn the death of a child.  Help them to see the blessings You have given to them and give them joy in their vocations.  Grant each of us Your protection to carry us through our trials, for the victory has already been won; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen.

Poked and Pampered

There is a certain amount of vulnerability a girl feels as she lies on a hospital bed under the fluorescent lights, her thin, cotton gown a little more breezy than she would prefer. Adrenaline surges through her veins every few minutes as pre-op nurses poke and prod and swipe and press and wrap and prepare and pamper. Each touch is gentle and every smile is sincere, but the nurses’ attempts to make a girl feel comfortable only serve to remind her of just how uncomfortable she is about to be.

And what they are going to do to her body.

And how long it is going to take for her flesh to heal.

And what the doctor is going to tell her afterwards.

The thought of it all steals the strength from her bones, the very breath from her lungs. But, then, the voice of her pastor, her faithful shepherd sitting bedside, cuts through the beeps and swishes of machines, through the white noise of her fear:

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion;
set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God…”*

And the girl is reminded that she does not have to be strong. She only needs to be His.

(*Psalm 62:5-11, ESV)

Collect: January 23, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.  

Collect of the Week: 

Let us pray…

Almighty and everlasting God, you give us the kingdom of heaven through Your Son Jesus.  With joy we receive the forgiveness of sins through the Word and Sacrament.  We beg you to mercifully look upon our infirmities and grant healing.  Be with Jen as she recovers from surgery.  In Your mercy, give her relief from pain and a full recovery.  Comfort Katie as she prepares for surgery.  If it be your will, grant her a successful surgery.  Thank You for giving these women healing of the soul, the complete assurance of sins forgiven; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen.

Thank You, M

Today is Life Sunday. Today, we remember the estimated 54 million Americans who have died from legalized abortion. Today, we also remember and thank God for the brave, selfless M’s out there.

Thank you, Sandra, for sharing your M’s story with us:

M is probably the bravest woman I know. She has done something I know, without a doubt, I could not do. She gave me her child.

She was twenty-two and already a single mother of an 18-month-old daughter. The result of poor judgment, she readily admitted. And then she did it again. She wasn’t even dating the guy, just a hook-up.

He wasn’t going to be any help, he barely knew her. She knew what this was going to be like, she’d already been there, done that, and had the spat-up-on, peed-and-pooed-on T-shirt that goes along with it. An abortion was the simplest solution. Lots of women get them, multiple times. Just get it over with and move on with your life.

At the clinic, they did an ultrasound to see how far along she was. I guess it was to figure out which type of procedure to do. I don’t know if she watched. But after that first part was over, she realized she just couldn’t do it.

She got up off the table and walked out of the clinic. She had NO IDEA what she was going to do now, but she knew one thing she wasn’t going to do. On the way back home, she saw a billboard placed by a pro-life organization. On it was a firefighter who rescued dozens of people from the Twin Towers on 9/11 – thanking her birthmother for choosing life and placing her for adoption. Because of that decision decades earlier, many other lives were saved.

That was it. Adoption. But how? That’s just not what you DO as a young, pregnant, black woman. You take care of your own. You don’t give them away. Or you just don’t have them.

Knowing her family and friends would try to talk her out of the decision, she told them she had taken a job in a far-away city. She made excuses why she couldn’t come home for holidays. In reality, she moved 15 minutes across town with her young daughter to a pregnant women’s home run by an adoption agency. She essentially went into hiding for the better part of nine months. She was sticking to this decision and no one was going to change her mind.

She got to pick the people who would raise her baby. The family she picked was great – so loving and happy. Everything was going as planned. Right up until month 8, when the wonderful adoptive mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery and chemo would have to begin as soon as possible. There was no way she could take care of a newborn and go through treatment and recovery. They had to back out.

Just a few weeks to go and everything had just fallen apart. But no. M was presented with a few other potential adoptive families. After meeting us in person, she made her decision. She chose us. She chose me to replace herself in her baby’s life.

It was easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of baby preparations, giving notice at work, etc. We had just finished our homestudy a couple of weeks earlier. To be placed so quickly was just unheard-of. People asked me if I was worried she’d change her mind. No. That was something I have never worried about. Not once. Not for even a moment.

She called a week after we had gotten home from meeting her, 6 days actually. She was in labor and on her way to the hospital. We quickly packed and hopped in the car and hadn’t even made it from Minneapolis to the Iowa border when she called to say that she had given birth to a healthy baby boy.

The hospital, very thoughtfully, had moved her to a general surgery floor rather than the maternity one, and had even given her a private room. She walked us down to the nursery, and the nurses brought the three of us to a family waiting room. Another nurse wheeled in the bassinet holding the tiny boy. M walked over and picked him up.

And then she handed him to me.

M had gotten pregnant so easily. Twice! I had been through every humiliating test and procedure, being poked and prodded six ways to Sunday. Repeatedly. I took pills, gave myself shots, barely knowing from day to day which way was up from all the hormones coursing through my system. All in the futile attempt to accomplish what she did without even trying, even while trying NOT to.

It’s easy to say, “I’d never have an abortion,” when you’ve never faced an unplanned, unprepared-for, unwed, unsupported pregnancy. And maybe the decision to at least not have an abortion would be an easy one to make. I wouldn’t know.

I do know, that even now, if I should happen to suffer from a serious lapse in judgment and miraculously become pregnant as a result, I would not be able to give that baby to another family to raise. I would not be able to do what M has done.

She not only chose life for her baby, but she chose what she hoped would be a better life for him than one she could provide. She gave him life, knowing she wouldn’t be the one he spent that life with. And that makes her the bravest, most admirable woman I know.

Sandra Ostapowich

Auntology

auntology [an-tol–uh-jee] noun. 1. The science of being the sister of one’s father or mother, the wife of one’s uncle, or an older woman who is respected by but not necessarily related to the speaker. 2. The sum or characteristics of the mental states and processes of an aunt.

The system of auntology is difficult to explain, but aunts around the world clearly understand and universally practice this science upon the arrival of nieces, nephews, godchildren, and children of dear friends. Perhaps auntology can best be defined by listing a few of the classic tenets and principles that are upheld by its most devoted students:

1. Arms were made for snuggles and hugs.

2. Always wear clothing suitable for bending, jumping, running, climbing, spinning, sword fighting, skipping, shooting, and wrestling.

3. Quarters and candy are the best bribes for catechismal memory work. Have plenty on hand at all times.

4. Secrets whispered by nieces and nephews must be taken to the grave.

5. “I wish you were my mommy” really means “Aunts are rockstars!”

6. “Amen” is your special word at every baptism. Say it loudly.

7. No song or dance is too silly for the moment.

8. Narnia books always sound better if read aloud with a British accent.

9. Prayer lists only get bigger, not smaller.

10. Ice cream really does make it better.

11. Silly face pictures. Every. Time.

12. You will climb the tree when no other adult will.

13. Never get out of bed before your nieces and nephews have a chance to wake you.

14. You don’t smell like milk, so help a mother out and take the crying baby.

15. Fight for the right to be Yoda instead of Vader. Being the oldest in the room has to count for something.

16. Your lap will never be big enough.

17. Pretend play is always more fun if you use medical terms.

18. You can do no wrong in the eyes of the child you love, so make sure you do only right.

19. In the inevitable moment that you break #18, be sure to admit you are wrong and apologize.

20. Your nieces and nephews are never too old to hear you say, “I love you.”

And that is auntology. Further questions may be directed to an aunt near you.