An Eternity Secured

Comment Submitted: I suffered my third miscarriage in September. It feels like we have come to the end of trying to have our own family. (I have no children, but he has a son from a previous relationship.) I am fearful of what our future holds. My husband is dealing better with the miscarriage than I am. He has faith, but I don’t.

I’m very sorry to hear about your losses. If you’ve been following our website, you may know that I also suffered a miscarriage less than three years ago. Along with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing, I pray your body is medically healing from this physical loss as well. I hope you have a trusted physician that can give you sound medical advice, and perhaps a counselor and your husband’s pastor to care for your emotional and spiritual needs.

Your fears about the future, in the wake of losing another child, are completely normal and natural. Thoughts about “what could have been if this child were here now” can sometimes play like a broken record when we are at our lowest. Thinking about due dates, anniversaries and other “milestone would-have-beens” are sources of tremendous earthly sorrow. And you have had to go through this three times. You are grieving yet another dashed hope. Concern about how this will affect your future and your relationship with your husband is completely understandable.

While material goods, and even friends, family and spouses are certainly beneficial and can comfort us in ways large and small, the eternal consolation we can always cling to is to know that Jesus went to the cross and defeated sin, death and Satan so that we can live forever in everlasting blessedness, righteousness and innocence. Yes, we will still suffer on this side of heaven. Yes, loved ones will die. Yes, we will doubt and despair at times. But even this is okay. You might think I’m crazy to say so, but hear how one dear pastor explains our hardships, or crosses, in his own words:

“Crosses are not signs of God’s disfavor. They come upon God’s children from His mercy. Sometimes they come as a holy discipline, as chastisement, to keep us close to God. But they always come for His glory. And they almost always come unexplained, with no apparent cause. Simply put, they come as part of the chaos and death that is all around us in this fallen world.

But we abide in the grace of Christ, the one who forgives the guilt of our sin, even our most grievous, stupid and ugly sin. And in the meantime, crosses, even when they are a result of our own actions, are endured in faith. They teach us to pray, to remain fully dependent upon God’s mercy. They teach us that we cannot make our own way through this world or to the next. They teach us that Christ is the way, that we live not by sight but by faith, even as we pray that they be removed. We recognize our crosses as coming from God for our own good, but we name them as evil things, realizing that some of our crosses will only be removed when we are transferred to the Church Triumphant (heaven).” (Pastor David H. Petersen, The Lutheran Witness, November 2011)

You are a precious child of God, Sister. May you recognize this even now in your suffering. Miscarriage is nobody’s fault but a result of our fallen world. While none of us have a crystal ball and know what the future holds this side of heaven, we do know that our eternal futures are secure. When in doubt, just refer back to John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him will not perish, but have everlasting life.”

You mentioned in your comment that your husband has faith, but you don’t. It reminds me of the father who was uncertain of whether or not Jesus could help his afflicted son and said, “I believe! Help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24) Even the most faithful Christians utter this very same hopeful-yet-doubting phrase daily in their hearts. And that’s okay, too. God takes our doubting hearts and minds and turns them onto His Son, our crucified and risen Savior–even (and especially) when we don’t want to. On behalf of the HeRemembersTheBarren.com hosts and community, I pray this is so for you. Otherwise anything we may have to say will likely be of little comfort. With the help and grace of God, may you be encouraged and assured in the thing most needful in all our lives, Jesus, in the midst of the turmoil.

We can rest in the knowledge and comfort that our Triune God is the Author and Giver of life. He did not create death, but destroyed it in Jesus! Just as your three children were known before the very foundation of the world, so too, God knew you! He not only calls you to hear him in His Word, but gives you immeasurably more through his many masks of mercy—in your husband, faithful pastors, doctors, friends, family and so on. In these many gifts, we are reminded that our eternal salvation is secure in Jesus. You are in our thoughts and prayers as you continue to bear these crosses. But be comforted that you do not bear them alone.

Collect: Nov. 28, 2011

It is our privilege to pray with and for you. If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.

Collect of the Day:

Let us pray…

Stir up our hearts, O Lord, to make ready the way of Your only-begotten Son, who has won for us life eternal by His death on the cross. Remind us that our hope is in You alone, not in what we can do for you. Grant us faith to trust firmly in You, despite our troubles and sorrows. Comfort all parents who mourn the death of a child, especially Teresa and her husband. Take them into Your care and lead them to look to You for confidence and strength as they face the future. Comfort them with your everlasting love; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Writing Contest

HeRemembersTheBarren.com is hosting a writing contest!

Tell us in 600 words or less about “Advent and Barrenness.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren. The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 20th. The winner will be announced on Christmas Day.

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Throughout this Advent season, we remember that Jesus Christ, the Son of God and second person of the Trinity, took on flesh for our salvation. We look ahead to His second advent on the last day. O come, O come, Emmanuel!

Capris and Consolation

There’s an outfit in my closet that I refer to as my miscarriage outfit. I know, it sounds morbid, doesn’t it? But after all this time it has just become a casual term for one of my favorite things to wear. There’s my “cozy-Sunday-afternoon-in-the-winter” outfit, my “chic-going-on-a-date-with-my-man” outfit, and there’s the “miscarriage” outfit. The phrase brings no tears, no pain, just great endearment towards the family members who gave it to me at a time when I needed them and somehow they knew exactly what to do for me.

The week following the miscarriage, my dear mother, sister and sister-in-law all drove three hours to come stay with me, share my grief, and make me feel loved. They brought me chocolate, took me out to eat, and bought me the most comfy, casual (but cute!), capri sweatsuit outfit that I’ll probably ever own. They didn’t try and get me to count my blessings or make promises that they couldn’t confirm would be fulfilled. They were just there—listening, loving, simply being present. Two out of the three women had themselves lost children in the womb (one of them several times). They knew what to do. Not everyone does. I was very blessed.

The next time you hear of a miscarriage, consider whether you can do more than just send a card or make a call. Think about what women in general (and this friend in particular) enjoy, what makes them feel comfortable and loved. Delicious food, cozy outfits, visits from people they love, a good laugh, an inspiring movie. Maybe you aren’t close enough to the person or in a position where you can just drop everything and be with her, but a thoughtful gesture or gift can make a woman feel as if she’s just received a comforting embrace, even if you can’t be there in person.

So thank you mom, Anne, and Amy. Every time I pull on those capris and zip up that sweatshirt I am reminded of the love that my Lord showed me through each of you, who selflessly rushed to my side when you knew I was in pain. I haven’t forgotten.

Interview on “Family Shield”

Thank you to Family Shield Ministries and Kay Meyer for covering the topic of barrenness and He Remembers the Barren on the “Family Shield” radio program yesterday afternoon. I hope you’ll have a listen, too.

Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file.

Or, if you would like to learn more about Family Shield Ministries, please click here.

Tablecloths

I opened my linen closet door today to put away some freshly folded bedsheets. I followed my usual ritual, tucking the bed linens just to the left of the stack of tablecloths. Only, this time I stopped to look at the tablecloths.

You see, I usually ignore the tablecloths. They are like distant friends I know but hardly ever visit except on holidays. The bright red cloth with a sheen that shimmers even in low lighting? Michael and I would feel silly eating our Tuesday night meal on something so fancy. The rose-colored cloth my grandmother gave me? It seems like it would go best with an Easter ham and several little chins tucked around it. The linen spread with the hand-embroidered flowers? It will be the perfect heirloom to set out when God gives us a family someday.

I stopped cold in my tracks. When God gives us a family someday? I felt instant shame. I have been waiting nine years to set out that cloth, and God has given me a family to celebrate every day of those nine years. Michael and I are a family, children or no, and there is no better reason to dress my table.

I wasted no time firing up the iron. Those nine-year-old creases were stubborn, to be sure, but our table is now properly dressed in an autumnal, flower-embroidered linen. Never mind the fact that we had popcorn for supper. We still dined in style. And, you better believe that red cloth is coming out of the closet next week.

So, whether you are a family of one or one hundred, I hope you dress your table and celebrate the family God in His wisdom has given you.

Collect: Nov. 14, 2011

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Almighty and ever-living God, You have given exceedingly great and precious promises to those who trust in You. Thank you for the life you grant us in our baptisms. Thank you for your promise to never forsake us, even in our times of sorrow. Dispel from us the works of darkness and grant us to live in the light of Your Son, Jesus Christ, that our faith may never be found wanting; through the same Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Contentment Is Not Perpetual Happiness

In a world that tells me I can “have it all,” it is quite hard to accept the fact that God may not have a houseful of children planned for me. I’ve wanted that since I was young. As a little girl, I saw lots of moms with their children. I saw the joy reflected in the faces of mothers and their children as they interacted with each other. Motherhood seemed to be a happy time.

The truth is that I don’t always get what I want. As a young, married woman, I saw that I was not receiving a quiver full of children. Without lots of children surrounding my table, how was I going to be happy? Thus began a struggle to “have it all.” I had forgotten that God provides what I need, and He knows what is best for my eternal good. God provides abundant blessings to all of His children, whether single or married. God’s sons and daughters receive the forgiveness of their sins and eternal life and so much more. Those blessings can only be good gifts.

I never imagined that barrenness would be part of my vocabulary. I never dreamed that it would be part of my life. To hear the word “barren” would conjure up visions of darkness, loneliness, and lack of hope. What a wrong picture that was. God’s blessings abound for the Christian, barren woman. She is a baptized child of Christ. The Lord is with her always. He grants to her the forgiveness of sins and so much more.

The Lord, in His mercy, has granted me a loving spouse and a dear daughter. I know that I gain nothing by trying to control my own fertility, or by coveting the children that have been given to others. I have learned to rejoice in the blessings that have been given to me, and that has helped me to be content.

If my source of contentment is myself, then my world will constantly make me unhappy. I am a sinner, and my feelings will often lead me to pity myself, to covet the gifts others have received, and to be angry at God. None of that could ever lead to happiness because it is subjective. There will be no contentment for me when I focus on my selfishness. Things go wrong. My life is not always a happy place. If I’m going to trust contentment to come from within me, then I’m going to be sad nearly all of the time. There is suffering in this world, and Satan uses suffering to lead us to despair. He tells me that my barrenness is what’s giving me sorrow. If I can find some way to “fix” my barrenness, then I will be happy. If I have one child, then I will be happy. If I have another child, then maybe I’ll be happy. To that, I say, “Satan, be gone!” Barrenness is a cross to bear, but Jesus Christ has borne my sins and sorrows for me and gives me Himself.

True contentment can only come from outside myself. Jesus Christ is the only true source of peace. Thus, being content does not always mean that I will be happy. And thanks be to God that my contentment does not rely on me. There will continue to be times of sorrow throughout my life. I have pain and trouble; I don’t always feel happy. Thank God that my faith in Him does not depend on my feelings. I know with 100% certainty that I am saved from myself through the blood of Jesus. Because of His grace and mercy, I can go to sleep in peace. My world is filled with troubles, but I know that I rest in the arms of Jesus. There is no safer place to be, for it is in Him alone that I have complete comfort. I am at peace in Christ alone.

What Is There for the Barren Husband?

Question Submitted: Could you recommend a book that would be helpful for my husband? He feels immense guilt and sadness about our inability to have children. I know there are books geared towards women, but I don’t know of any that are geared towards men.

As a barren husband myself, I wish that I knew of a book or article out there that addressed this topic for men. From what I’ve been able to discover, though, there is little if anything out there that seeks to provide comfort to barren men. That being said, I do think that many men would benefit from reading Katie’s book. Yes, there are sections of it that speak much more to the specific grief and pain that the barren woman feels, yet many of the feelings of loss, abandonment, and loneliness are shared by both husband and wife. He Remembers the Barren helps to point each of us back to our abundant worth as children of God.

I’ve also found that studying the Lutheran (Scriptural, really) doctrine of vocation has been beneficial in my personal struggles with feelings of helplessness and of having let my wife down. For the general reader, Gene Veith’s God at Work is the go-to text for learning about this doctrine of vocation. Through vocation, we Christians gain a tremendous comfort in knowing that the things we’re doing in our lives, as well as being able to identify who our neighbors are in life, are all providential gifts of God. He intends for us to serve our neighbor in many and various ways, and He uses us as his “masks” in order to serve them. We find comfort in seeing God’s will concretely revealed for us in the exact circumstances in which we find ourselves.

In fact, using the general doctrine of vocation as a guide, I’d encourage all men who are suffering from barrenness to listen to God’s Word for them in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (ESV)

Here is God’s general desire for husbands: love your wives. Christ came not to be served but to serve. Hearing that we husbands are “Christs” to our wives in marriage (Paul tells us that marriage is a mysterious picture of Christ and the Church), our vocation then is understood as one of serving them. In other words, we should look first to their needs. Our needs are taken care of in Christ’s gift of our wives. Marriage is so beautiful, because, as we serve our wives and give ourselves for them, they likewise will serve us, too.

So, practically speaking, lead your wife in life and especially in the faith. Find a good devotional resource that you can use on a daily basis. A couple excellent ones are the Treasury of Daily Prayer and Bo Giertz’s To Live with Christ. Pray with and for your wife. Set aside a time each week where the two of you will go and do something which you both enjoy together. Once a week, get out the grill and make lunch or dinner. When something breaks in the house, don’t call the repair man, but instead see if you can learn how to fix it yourself (but, please, don’t kill yourself!). These are all excellent vocational ways to actively love and lead your wife.

Finally, men, don’t be afraid to go and talk to your pastor. I know it’s true that we want to appear strong and might feel that talking with your pastor would be a sign of weakness. Please don’t feel this way. Your pastor is there for you, to listen to you and speak Christ’s words to you, in your need. Every single one of us needs this. Hear what the writer to the Hebrews says about Jesus: “Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” (ESV) See what care God has for you? Jesus is there to speak comfort to you, because He completely understands you. Don’t be afraid to come to Him and His pastors, so that your ears can hear his words of mercy for you.

Rev. Michael P. Schuermann

How close can we get?

We didn’t want to settle for anything less than the best. Not when it came to a decision about possibly bringing a new life into this world. Only the best would do.

I’m not talking about treatments. I’m not talking about doctors. I’m talking about us as a couple—our best motivations, widsom, and behaviors. When it came to forming a family, we didn’t want heavy consciences. We didn’t want hesitations, uncertainties or ethical dilemas. So we sought spiritual guidance and we read the best books and we found our answer.

I greatly appreciate the light that pastors and authors have shed on the questions surrounding reproductive technologies and I owe much to their wisdom and insight. Some theologians and bioethicists have done their best to evaluate all the options and rate them worst to—well, possibly OK. In our reading and conversations we noticed phrases like “may be allowable” or “might not violate the one-flesh union” or “might be compatible” with Scripture. There lacked a sense of certainty, and rightly so. Any alteration to the natural and God-ordained process of creating an eternal soul should require some hesitation and a proper sense of fear and awe, should it not? Considering whether to interfere with this process certainly made us tremble. We had to ask ourselves, “What right do we have? Would this really be the best way to grow our family?”

Dealing with Christian ethics isn’t about trying to find the lesser of two evils or making an educated guess about whether the choice you have in front of you contains a “sin-full” option and a “sin-less” option. It isn’t about trying to find out “How far can we go?” It’s about finding the ideal, the perfect target, and doing everything you can to achieve that ideal. It’s about using God’s ten commandments and His Word as a guide to keep us close to His will even if He has not addressed our specific questions in that Word.

The actual definition of sin is, appropriately, “missing the mark,” but our modern minds tend to be more occupied with the space outside the target than with the bull’s-eye. So what is our bull’s-eye as Christian couples seeking to have children? How can we be certain that our efforts to create a family will be pleasing to our Lord?

The book of Genesis spells it out very clearly as Moses reveals how the first family came about. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh,” (2:24). Marriage came first. Then, in chapter 4:1: “Adam knew Eve his wife,” (sexual intimacy) “and she conceived,” (conception) “and bore Cain…” (birth). There you have it—the four-fold process created by God for becoming a biological family. This is how it was meant to be. Couples who are able to have children in this way need never doubt whether they are acting in accordance with God’s will.

But alas, in chapter three sin entered the world and turned everything upside down. In ancient days and even now, barrenness, miscarriages and stillbirths rip away the fruits that are meant to be born from a couple’s most intimate sharing of one another. And in the 21^st century, we have seen this four-fold procreation process intentionally rearranged, redefined, and even rejected. In the secular world, marriage is certainly not necessary anymore to be intimate, conceive and bear children. Conception can be suppressed so as to more fully enjoy the intimacy without the responsibility of the bearing and rearing. And when conception is desired but not achievable, it’s often seen as necessary to forego intimacy in an effort to medically intervene and help the life-creating process along. And in a rather extreme example of our “progress”, women today even have the option to skip the marriage, intimacy and conception altogether and go straight to just giving birth by participating in an embryo adoption.

How far have we gone? Is this too far yet? Where does one draw the line?

As much as our pastors, friends, and family want to give us hope that there is a procedure that will assist us in getting the child they “know” God has planned for us, not one of them can confidently say that intentionally drifting away from God’s four-fold family plan (for receiving a biological child) is not a sin in some way. There will always be doubt and uncertainty as to whether it’s really OK.

In the chapter “How Far is Too Far?” from Katie’s book, she presents questions that we should all be asking ourselves when considering whether to engage in a medical procedure that is not meant to heal a broken body but rather to circumvent God’s original process. “Do you wish to ‘make a baby’ at the risk of hurting your neighbor? Do you think that having a baby is the only thing in life that can make you happy? Do you put your identity in motherhood rather than in your baptism? Will your faith in Jesus be upset if you do not conceive?”

The true motivations for the choices we make while experiencing barrenness reflect what is in our hearts. Does our attitude about having a family drive us toward the center of the target, or does it push us to the outer edges? Which focus is best?

My advice to the barren couple who wants to avoid sinning as they seek to address their barrenness is this: Seek healing if there is a chance that your body is not completely healthy, and pray that you might receive the gift of a child as a result of your physical love or through adoption. Instead of asking yourself, “How far can we go?” consider asking, “How close can we get?”