I’ve asked myself that question time and time again. I seem to experience various stages of grief throughout the year. I never can tell when the feelings are going to surface. Different situations stir up hurt and anger and sadness. I see the new mom in the store, her baby sleeping peacefully in the car-seat. I see the teenage parents, holding their toddler’s hands. I read the birth announcements in the newspaper. These things all create a longing, a hunger for a child to grow inside me. And I wonder: When will the pain ever stop? When will I finally be “at peace” with my current station in life?
It’s really a control issue. I want to be in control of my life, and I want to direct what happens to it. I want to have another child, and it hasn’t happened yet. Then I realize the greediness and selfishness of my thoughts and confess my sin. God knows; He hasn’t abandoned me in my anger and sorrow and sin. He forgives me and washes that sin away. It’s gone. And I am content with all the blessings that are already mine.
Until I see the new parents in church with their little bundle of joy. And I want what they have. Yes, I get those feelings of anger towards God while in church. In church! Why hasn’t He given me more children? Children are gifts. Why haven’t I received more of His gifts?
Here’s the truth: I have received His gifts. I have received His name in Holy Baptism. I have received His very body and blood in the Lord’s Supper.
Why haven’t I received more children? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this: God knows me, and He knows what is best for me. He has already given me His best – His own Son Jesus – for ME. I have already received so many blessings!
So… will it ever stop hurting? I can’t answer that, but God knows my sorrow and hurt. His own Son hung on a cross and was abandoned by the entire world. God knows anger; His children have turned their backs on Him for years. And still He loves me. He knows my grief and my sorrows. He loves me despite my anger towards Him. He knows that I hurt, and He’s right there beside me. He knows me, and that brings some comfort to my hurting soul.