There are days when I dwell on my barrenness. My thoughts lead to lots of “what if” statements. “What if we’d tried to start a family right after we wed?” “What if we’d started the adoption process sooner?” “What if I never parent another child?” Thus begins a slippery slope, focusing on the negatives. Once that starts, it’s hard to climb back up out of the pit.
Enter Jesus Christ. I belong to Him. True, my body is not right; it’s sinful and broken. My mind wants to turn inward on itself and have a nice, little pity party. However, Jesus lives in me. He’s right there in my head and in my heart. The cross was traced over my head and heart at my baptism. Jesus is right here – with me!
Yes, there are tough days, days when I sink into my own sorrows. However, Jesus walks with me through those tough days. Even more, He carries me through the rough times. Jesus knows my hurts. He’s been hurt even deeper. He was abandoned by His Father on the cross. He endured suffering and shame like I will never experience. He knows what it means to sorrow.
Will I ever be happy? Will it be when I am a parent? Is that the only thing to which I cling for my happiness? If I can’t be happy unless I have a child, then I am coveting. That’s sin, and I beg for God’s forgiveness. On the contrary, happiness comes through Jesus and Him alone. My joy is found in Jesus because, in Him, I am made whole and righteous. My body on earth remains broken because of my sin, but I am perfect in Jesus. And He is my happiness.