Adoption

Christian Man-to-Man Advice about Dealing with Barrenness

Thank you, Rev. Dr. Benjamin T. G. Mayes (husband of Rebecca), for generously responding to the following question recently submitted.

Question Submitted: Any ideas for barren husbands? This may be harder on me than on my wife. We’re a happy family of 2, but I have rough days missing children we won’t have.

Brother, here are some random thoughts to give an answer to your question. My sense is that men have totally different feelings about barrenness and lack of children. Most men are probably able to compartmentalize the disappointment that they feel when they realize that their family might not include any little ones. We probably are not all the same. As for me, there were times when I did not feel the desire for children. Of course, that’s when I thought it would be easy to have them! We always seem to want what we don’t have, isn’t that true?

I have one son, who is definitely not a baby any more. He has been a major blessing to me and Rebecca, so I’m afraid I’m not in your exact situation. But now, I, too, wish to have another child of my own, and who knows if and when that will happen?

I don’t think anything can take the place of having your own child, just like nothing can take the place of having your own wife. God gives different gifts to different people, but those gifts are unique and not interchangeable. The woman with five kids might be tempted to see those kids as a burden. For us, we feel the lack of children as a burden. We feel that we lack little ones on which to shower our love. I don’t think anything can take the place of those kids. So that is the one major caveat I have to give here. The following tips may not fill the hole in your life and family that you are feeling. But they might help, and they will certainly be good reminders of the truths you probably already know.

1. Katie and her team here have amassed a treasure trove of Gospel comfort for barren families, including you.

2. As I’m sure you know, our primary identity and joy (we must remind ourselves!) should come from belonging to God’s family, having God as our true Father, the church as our true mother (cf. Matt. 12:50; Gal. 4:26), and other Christians as our brothers and sisters. If you are a pastor, you also have children in the faith through your preaching, teaching, and baptizing (1 Cor. 4:15).

3. On a practical level, obviously pursue adoption if you’re able.

4. Since you don’t have kids, you may as well save up some money and splurge on doing some special things with your wife, like traveling or investing in some of the hobbies you both enjoy. I would personally suggest checking out beautiful art and architecture in Germany and Italy! Then, of course, you might also be able to afford being generous to others.

5. I’d recommend becoming a mentor for boys or young men in your area. Many boys have no father figures and really need one. I’ve had the opportunity to become involved in the life of a young man, my godson, who was baptized at our church when he was 8 (now he’s a teenager). He was adopted by his great-grandmother and had no father figure to look up to. So he comes to our house every Saturday night, and we have what you might call a family night, so that he can see how a man should treat his wife, so that we can play games together, and also have time to talk about questions that he wouldn’t feel comfortable asking grandma. It’s been a great experience for me, and for him, too. Maybe for you, spending time with the church’s youth group would allow you to show the love of Christ to young people. It doesn’t take the place of having your own son, but it is a way that someone in your position can truly help a young man and show him the love of Christ. And truly, if the Lord has not blessed you with physical children, showing the love of Christ is more important than having a child of your own.

In summary, I think men probably approach the issue of barrenness with more detachment than our sisters in Christ, but what does detachment really mean? It means that we can compartmentalize our sorrow and put it in a box so that it doesn’t bother us all the time. But it is still there. We pray to God for solace, and He gives solace when and where it pleases Him, not when and where it pleases us. In the meantime, He has given you the best solace in His Son and Holy Spirit (the Comforter!), and at the same time, I think He gives you other blessings and avenues of service that might just be unique to people in your situation.

—Rev. Dr. Benjamin T. G. Mayes

Caring for the Barren Woman – Take Three!

Rebecca Mayes and I are planning to hit the road in April in hopes of meeting YOU. We will be presenting on the topic “Caring for the Barren Woman” at Concordia University Chicago, Concordia Theological Seminary, and various churches in Michigan and Indiana. Won’t you please come out and see us? Location and presentation details can be found here.

If you would like any of the HeRemembersTheBarren.com hosts to present “Caring for the Barren Woman” at a church near you, please let us know via the “Submit a Question” page on this website.

We can’t wait to meet you!

Pep Talk

It’s not a pep talk we give ourselves. It’s not a mantra we repeatedly say in meditation to achieve some kind of inner peace. It’s not a pop psychology trick we employ to convince ourselves that everything is really okay when it isn’t.

It’s simply the truth.

It’s the reality of life in Christ.

It’s the life-giving Word to which our faith responds in feast or famine, in clear water or hurricane, in fruitfulness or barrenness.

So, baptized child of God, let me say it to you again: All things work together for your good.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died – more than that, who was raised – who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:18-39; ESV)

The Elephant Pregnancy

I admire the elephant mother.  Did you know that she is pregnant for 22 months before giving birth?

Once our family decided to pursue an international adoption, the whirlwind of paperwork began.  We scrambled to assemble our portfolio and rushed it overseas.  After that, there was nothing to do but sit and wait.  Eventually more information was requested about us.  We quickly gathered the necessary papers and sent the information.  Then came more waiting.  When starting the adoption process in 2006, we were informed that our wait would be 13-14 months to receive a child.

It’s now 2012, and we’re still waiting.  Somewhere along the way, I realized that our adoption would not complete its course in a short 14 months.  When the months stretched into years, things didn’t get any easier.  I had let myself get excited, anticipating the addition of a child to our family in a short amount of time.  When that didn’t happen, I buried those feelings of excitement deep inside me.  I focused on my vocations of wife, mother, and friend, rather than dwell on what had not been given to me.  The Lord knew that it was not yet time for our family to add another member.

Recently I talked with my adoption liaison about the events that will occur between our referral and travel.  She was delighted to share some information and prepare me for what is to come.  I was disappointed, though, to hear that the length of time between the referral and travel would be 3-4 months.  Since 2006, I had been told that the wait time would be about 8 weeks.  I was more than disappointed; I was disheartened.  With that news, it became likely that we would not travel until early fall.  Our family would have to wait at least 3 months after referral to see our child.  Another low point.

I don’t know how the elephant does it.  She knows she’s pregnant, and for nearly two years she waits.  That’s a long time, but she can’t change the situation.  To deliver any sooner would be detrimental to the health of her baby.  Instead, she continues to go about her tasks and takes care of herself.  For two incredibly long years.

I know how long waiting can be.  I’ve been doing it for six years already.  And yet, no good thing does God withhold from his children.   Our family must wait several weeks longer.  Can I change that?  No.  I gain nothing by complaining about the circumstances.  Rather, I cling to God’s grace to me. The will of God is always good, and I know that to be true for all believers in Christ.  I have been given more time to pray for this child, more opportunities to prepare our family to meet her, more days to ready our home for her.  I don’t need to worry about the time frame; God has taken care of it for me.

So today I identify with the elephant.  Her pregnancy lasts 22 months.  By the time it’s all said and done, our adoption process will be longer than an elephant’s pregnancy… three times over.  But that’s okay because the Lord knows my needs, and His timing is always the best.  Thanks be to God that He never forgets His children, elephant-wait and all.

Thank You, M

Today is Life Sunday. Today, we remember the estimated 54 million Americans who have died from legalized abortion. Today, we also remember and thank God for the brave, selfless M’s out there.

Thank you, Sandra, for sharing your M’s story with us:

M is probably the bravest woman I know. She has done something I know, without a doubt, I could not do. She gave me her child.

She was twenty-two and already a single mother of an 18-month-old daughter. The result of poor judgment, she readily admitted. And then she did it again. She wasn’t even dating the guy, just a hook-up.

He wasn’t going to be any help, he barely knew her. She knew what this was going to be like, she’d already been there, done that, and had the spat-up-on, peed-and-pooed-on T-shirt that goes along with it. An abortion was the simplest solution. Lots of women get them, multiple times. Just get it over with and move on with your life.

At the clinic, they did an ultrasound to see how far along she was. I guess it was to figure out which type of procedure to do. I don’t know if she watched. But after that first part was over, she realized she just couldn’t do it.

She got up off the table and walked out of the clinic. She had NO IDEA what she was going to do now, but she knew one thing she wasn’t going to do. On the way back home, she saw a billboard placed by a pro-life organization. On it was a firefighter who rescued dozens of people from the Twin Towers on 9/11 – thanking her birthmother for choosing life and placing her for adoption. Because of that decision decades earlier, many other lives were saved.

That was it. Adoption. But how? That’s just not what you DO as a young, pregnant, black woman. You take care of your own. You don’t give them away. Or you just don’t have them.

Knowing her family and friends would try to talk her out of the decision, she told them she had taken a job in a far-away city. She made excuses why she couldn’t come home for holidays. In reality, she moved 15 minutes across town with her young daughter to a pregnant women’s home run by an adoption agency. She essentially went into hiding for the better part of nine months. She was sticking to this decision and no one was going to change her mind.

She got to pick the people who would raise her baby. The family she picked was great – so loving and happy. Everything was going as planned. Right up until month 8, when the wonderful adoptive mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery and chemo would have to begin as soon as possible. There was no way she could take care of a newborn and go through treatment and recovery. They had to back out.

Just a few weeks to go and everything had just fallen apart. But no. M was presented with a few other potential adoptive families. After meeting us in person, she made her decision. She chose us. She chose me to replace herself in her baby’s life.

It was easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of baby preparations, giving notice at work, etc. We had just finished our homestudy a couple of weeks earlier. To be placed so quickly was just unheard-of. People asked me if I was worried she’d change her mind. No. That was something I have never worried about. Not once. Not for even a moment.

She called a week after we had gotten home from meeting her, 6 days actually. She was in labor and on her way to the hospital. We quickly packed and hopped in the car and hadn’t even made it from Minneapolis to the Iowa border when she called to say that she had given birth to a healthy baby boy.

The hospital, very thoughtfully, had moved her to a general surgery floor rather than the maternity one, and had even given her a private room. She walked us down to the nursery, and the nurses brought the three of us to a family waiting room. Another nurse wheeled in the bassinet holding the tiny boy. M walked over and picked him up.

And then she handed him to me.

M had gotten pregnant so easily. Twice! I had been through every humiliating test and procedure, being poked and prodded six ways to Sunday. Repeatedly. I took pills, gave myself shots, barely knowing from day to day which way was up from all the hormones coursing through my system. All in the futile attempt to accomplish what she did without even trying, even while trying NOT to.

It’s easy to say, “I’d never have an abortion,” when you’ve never faced an unplanned, unprepared-for, unwed, unsupported pregnancy. And maybe the decision to at least not have an abortion would be an easy one to make. I wouldn’t know.

I do know, that even now, if I should happen to suffer from a serious lapse in judgment and miraculously become pregnant as a result, I would not be able to give that baby to another family to raise. I would not be able to do what M has done.

She not only chose life for her baby, but she chose what she hoped would be a better life for him than one she could provide. She gave him life, knowing she wouldn’t be the one he spent that life with. And that makes her the bravest, most admirable woman I know.

Sandra Ostapowich

The Fact of the Matter Is…

Kelly Stout reminds us in her reflection on “Advent and Barrenness” that we do not wait for the Lord in vain:

There are many ways the word “wait” is used in the English language. I could be “waiting” for a bus, as in expecting something to happen soon that I know will eventually happen. I could be “waiting” for the day I pay off my student loans, as in looking forward to something spectacular. I could be “waiting” for my friend to arrive off the plane at an airport, as in being in a state of readiness for something to occur.

As a couple who lost our first child in a miscarriage, had our second child through domestic infant adoption, and had our third child through conception and birth, we have learned to use the word “wait” sparingly. It can have a glaringly awful connotation to those going through any of these life events.

“Just wait, it will happen for you eventually!” – A comment said by many (who mean well) to those who are barren or have lost a child to miscarriage (when in fact, it may very well not happen).

“Now that your documents are completed, we just wait for the courts to approve this.” – A sentence every adoptive parent trembles at in anticipation of having an adoption finalized.

“We need to wait for the next ultrasound results before we can make any recommendations.” – A scary statement for any couple “waiting” for a child through pregnancy.

The fact of the matter is – sometimes waiting is excruciating.

In Advent, we wait for our Lord. “Wait,” as in expecting something to happen soon that I know will eventually happen…as in looking forward to something spectacular… as in being in a state of readiness for something to occur.  Oh great, again, we wait. But why does the wait of Advent have such a different connotation than the waiting associated with miscarriage, barrenness, adoption, and birth? That is simple.

First, there are no questions about what WILL happen. I don’t have to wonder what is coming at the end of this wait. I know that my Lord – the baby born in a manger, the God man who died on a cross for me, the creator of heaven and earth, the God who gave me all three of my wonderful children (one being a child I am waiting to meet someday) – I know that my Lord IS coming. The assurance of what WILL happen is a gift from our Lord.

Secondly (and the best part about this type of waiting), my Lord already comes to me through Word and Sacrament. I don’t have to endure this wait without Him. His faith is brought to me by hearing His Word. His true body and blood are present for me in Communion. Kneeling at His table, I have a piece of the heaven I have been waiting for all this time. The Christ Child we speak of during Advent provides comfort, forgiveness, and eternal life through His death and resurrection. These gifts are enough to sustain me through all the waits I have in this life.

To make the moment at the Communion rail even sweeter, I also know that my child who endured an earthly death is there with the angels, the archangels, all the company of heaven, and me.  We are joined in perfect communion with all the saints.

The fact of the matter is – sometimes waiting is heavenly.

Kelly Stout

Let It Be To Me

I continue to marvel at Mary’s response to Gabriel’s unbelievable message: “…let it be to me according to your word,” (Luke 1:38). She didn’t know what those words really meant, did she? She couldn’t have known.  She couldn’t have foreseen the heartache she would have to go through as the mother of the Messiah, who was destined to suffer and die. Yet the Holy Spirit moved her to speak with great confidence in her calling as the Lord’s servant, chosen for an honor unlike any that had ever been given before. A great honor, to be sure, but one that was accompanied by great suffering.

Can you speak these words from Mary as you experience the unexpected, the disappointments, the losses? Throughout our lives we all experience those proverbial “closed doors” where it seems pretty clear that going in the direction we had planned is not according to God’s plan. This news does not come from a heavenly being, reminding us first to “Fear not,” but rather from physicians or social workers who are simply stating the facts.

“The cancer had spread more than we thought,” says the surgeon.“We had to do a hysterectomy.” But I’m so young! It doesn’t seem possible that I’ll never be able to give birth. I never dreamed this would happen.

“It doesn’t appear that any growth has taken place in the last month,” says the OB. “I’m so sorry.” No! This was the answer to our prayers. Why would God give us this miracle and then take it away? It’s not fair.                                                           

“We have just received word that all referrals are on hold indefinitely,” states the email from the agency. “We will notify you when we have more details.” Not another hold up! We’ve been through this before. This could add even more years to our wait.

The shock. The denial. The anger. The fight. The exhaustion. The surrender. Then, finally, the prayer: “Let it be to me according to Your word.”

Using Mary’s statement as a prayer can be both a spiritual and physical struggle for some. At times we may even feel the need to physically grasp hold of something as we speak it so as to brace ourselves for the realization of all our fears. Our sinful nature attaches such hesitancy to this concept of full submission. Why is that? After all these years of the Lord’s providence, generosity, faithfulness, and care, why have we still not learned our lesson?

For me it’s getting a little better. You know why? I’ve been practicing. Every week on Sunday morning I hear the true, inspired, life-giving words that speak of the Lord’s promises to me and I practice this prayer—this time with all boldness and confidence.

“In the stead and by the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, I forgive you all your sins.…” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“I believe in the…resurrection of the body and the life everlasting.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“…given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

 “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.”

 Let it be to us all according to His Word!

Writing Contest

HeRemembersTheBarren.com is hosting a writing contest!

Tell us in 600 words or less about “Advent and Barrenness.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren. The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 20th. The winner will be announced on Christmas Day.

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Throughout this Advent season, we remember that Jesus Christ, the Son of God and second person of the Trinity, took on flesh for our salvation. We look ahead to His second advent on the last day. O come, O come, Emmanuel!

Adoption Questions

Question Submitted: Do you have any recommendations on books/websites about the adoption process? Also, do you recommend any agencies?

An easy place to start looking for adoption resources is christian.adoption.com.  Although the site is packed with ads, you’ll also find helpful articles, blogs, and links to state-specific adoption information on laws, lawyers, and which agencies work within your state.

One book that has been recommended to me is The Whole Life Adoption Book: Realistic Advice for Building a Healthy Adoptive Family by Jayne E. Schooler and Thomas Atwood. I would also suggest just looking on Amazon by searching for “adoption” and reading through the reviews thoroughly. Some books are written from a Christian perspective and some aren’t and the reviews will help you get an idea of what approach the author is taking. Some books will contain the author’s own adoption story when what you’re really looking for is just the how-to’s on where to begin. I’m always a fan of the “Idiot’s Guide to…” books, and there’s one for adoption. This will likely be a good introduction to the process.

We have worked with two different adoption agencies now, one that has offices internationally and the other one is just in our state. There are a number of things that I would recommend you keep in mind as you try and find the right one for you.

1. Know what your values are and find an agency that closely matches them.

Some agencies may have a Christian mission statement but if you hadn’t read it you wouldn’t necessarily know that they are Christian. Read their literature carefully to get a feel for what their values are. For example, do they believe that the best place for a child is in a home with a mother and father, or do they serve homosexual couples as well? If these types of details are important to you then do some digging.

2. Ask lots of questions. You need to find out from them:

-What are all your fees? When do they need to be paid? What’s the most I would have to pay?

-Do you have any financial assistance or discounts? (Some agencies give discounts to pastors’ families.) Do you charge on a sliding scale based on income?

-What’s the average wait for a Caucasian child? A minority child? A bi-racial child? A child with special needs? How many placements do you do each year? How many people are on the waiting list?

-How often will my paperwork need to be updated? What fees are associated with that?

-Do you only do open adoptions or do you do semi-open or closed adoptions as well?

-What supports do you provide the birth parents? Will they get pre- and post-placement counseling?

-What is the process for a birth parent choosing a family? Will we meet the birth family? What kind of post-placement contact is typical between the birth and adoption families you work with?

-What services besides adoption do you offer? Do you have post-placement support for the adopting family? Do you provide resources and trainings for unique adoption situations?

-If we aren’t happy with our caseworker can we ask for another one?

-And lots more…

3. Ask around for not only a good agency, but find out who the good caseworkers are.

What I have found over the years as I’ve spoken with numerous families who have adopted is that your satisfaction with the process greatly depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you. Even though she cannot speed up the process necessarily, her contact with you, her understanding of your questions, fears or confusion about the details of the process will either be a source of stress or peace in your life. You may find a great agency and get a not-so-empathetic caseworker. But the good news is that you should be able to ask for someone else. A good agency will recognize that sometimes the assignments just aren’t a good fit and they will do their best to help you feel comfortable with who is handling your adoption.

4. Know what you can afford and don’t let your emotions change your mind.

Too often I hear couples decide that they are going to do an international adoption that is outrageously expensive and their philosophy is, “Well, we just have to trust that God will provide the funds.” Wrong. God doesn’t promise that in the Bible. He gives us common sense and requires that we be good stewards of the gifts He has already given us. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to apply Luke 14:28 to preparing for an adoption: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” So sit down with your spouse and look at your savings, your earnings, your fundraising abilities, your willingness to complete grant applications, etc., and set a number that you can handle. That number will determine whether you can do international, domestic, or a foster-to-adopt program.

5. Be aware of government requirements in your state. 

If you are looking into foster care with the potential to adopt, be sure to read the fine print before signing anything. Unfortunately, many of our state governments are making it more and more difficult for Christian families to participate in foster care programs without compromising our traditional values, specifically those related to sexuality, appropriate sexual expression, and sexual orientations. Be sure that any contracts or agreements that you sign pertaining to foster care or adoption are thoroughly read, understood, and do not contradict your faith and the expression of that faith.

Regarding your question about what agencies are recommended, it’s a little hard to say. There are so many agencies available, many specialzing in different types of adoptions and most of them are not nation-wide. Recommending an agency in my area wouldn’t necessarily help anyone outside my state. I can tell you that we worked with Bethany Christian Services for our first adoption and this is nation-wide. We were very satisfied with that experience. We chose a local agency for the second adoption because they had a sliding scale fee schedule based on income. Perhaps in a future post we can list any other recommendations that people send in, both for domestic and international adoptions.

Ask around at church, at your doctor’s office, and your or your husband’s place of work to find out who in your area has adopted and with whom they worked. Then ask these agencies for other references from previous or current families. Find an agency that has an office close to you (if possible), supports your Christian beliefs, has a fair fee schedule, and has a good reputation. And most of all, pray for guidance. Choosing the agency is only the first decision of hundreds that you’ll be making.  May the Lord bless your efforts!