I had let my guard down too soon. I cried. I grieved for that which was not given to me.
Thanks be to God for you, my dear sisters, who kept watch with me. You listened and didn’t try to offer a rosy outcome. You hugged me and cried with me. You gave me space to let it all out. You reminded me that I am God’s child, and you prayed for me. You sent me a baby elephant. Thank you.
Psalm 127
1 Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
2 It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.
3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
[The Holy Bible: English Stand Version]
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On our wedding day, my husband and I read this psalm with the congregation. It was our fervent prayer that the Lord would grant to us a quiver full of children. We knew that children were a heritage from the Lord, and we hoped to inherit abundantly.
The Lord has been gracious to us, and we have one daughter. She brings us much joy, and we know she is a gift to be treasured. As the years have passed, however, we have not received any more daughters or even a son. How can this be? The psalm-writer pens words about a quiver filled with arrows. Why shouldn’t my home be filled with children?
It is then that I mourn for my daughter. I’m sad that she doesn’t get to play dress-up with a sibling. I wonder how she feels about playing alone in her fort. Is she tired of playing Dog-opoly with her mom and dad? Does that bother her? I feel like she must be missing out on sibling experiences – yes, even on sibling squabbles.
However, these worries are ill-founded. My daughter doesn’t know any differently. In fact, she has come to embrace her experiences. She has made all sorts of crafts and read lots of adventure books. She has learned to sew and cook and help in the garage. Her activities are numerous and enjoyable to her.
Recently, a friend of hers lamented not having anybody to play with him at the moment. My daughter replied, “That happens to me sometimes. There are LOTS of things you can do by yourself.” She didn’t say that it really stinks to be an only child. She didn’t bemoan the fact that she doesn’t have a sibling for a constant playmate. She didn’t mourn over the fact that she has to be creative in her play sometimes. No, she simply stated how comfortable she is in her own skin.
And so I worry less for my only child. In her I have a beautiful treasure. She is a baptized member of the body of Christ. She has a family full of sisters and brothers, who share the same faith in the Triune God. The Lord has made her my daughter, and she is a blessing. If I never receive another child, my quiver of one is still full.
As our adoption draws closer to fruition, we are becoming more serious about the need to choose a name for our little girl. After six years of waiting, it’s hard to find a name upon which we can all agree. Also, my husband and I were teachers. There are some specific children associated with certain names, and we could never give that name to our baby.
We’ve been online and looked at the list of 1000 top girl names. We’ve scanned baby name books. We’ve had some fun dinner conversations, calling out names and vetoing others. So what to do?
Watch a movie. That’s right; we’ve resorted to watching the end credits. There are lots of names listed there.
Please don’t text-bomb me with name suggestions.
Cathie Humbarger was gracious to interview Kristen Gregory and me on iChooselife Radio Magazine this week. She covered everything from fruitfulness to barrenness to IVF to grief to marriage. You can listen to the program, “Children Are a Gift from God,” online here.
Won’t you come out and meet us?
Rebecca Mayes and I, God willing, are getting behind the wheel next Tuesday in hopes of meeting YOU. We will be presenting on the topic “Caring for the Barren Woman” at Concordia University Chicago, Concordia Theological Seminary, and various churches in Michigan and Indiana. And – Best of all! – my husband is coming with us. Rev. Michael Schuermann will be available to answer any questions you may have regarding how to care for the barren man.
Location and presentation details can be found here.
If you would like any of the HeRemembersTheBarren.com hosts to present “Caring for the Barren Woman” at a church near you, please let us know via the “Submit a Question” page on this website.
We can’t wait to meet you!
* Photo by Adriane Dorr
Nikusubila is an African name. It means “hopeful.”
A year-and-a-half ago, I was walking through Hobby Lobby – piddling, really (a.k.a. wandering aimlessly about with no life goal other than to admire hoards of other peoples’ things I cannot and should not own) – and I came across a figurine of a young boy wearing a safari hat. His expression was sweet, like he was watching something of interest across a field, happily forgetting his present task at hand. Just like a boy!
I picked up the figurine and fingered the boy’s round cheeks. I liked the color of his skin, the shape of his scrawny arms and chicken legs. Everything looked and felt just right. He reminded me of…
No! I quickly set the figurine back down. Silly. Ridiculous, even. I did not need a figurine of a boy in my home. I loathe dusting, and this would be just another item to collect dust.
I escaped around the nearest aisle to look at picture frames and candles. Yes, that was safe. But, even as I checked prices on frames and sniffed waxy confections my mind was on that boy. His posture was just so charming and familiar. He had rolled his shirt sleeves up to his elbow, and he was resting his right hand on a hip as if he was waiting for someone to catch up with him.
That settled it.
I walked back to the figurine, picked him up, and paid for him at the cash register before I could chicken out. This was more than an impulse buy. This was hope in action.
For, you see, this boy looks like my son. I have never actually met him. I have only seen him in my head and in my heart, but that afternoon in Hobby Lobby I saw him with my eyes.
Nikusubila now stands in his bare feet on my fireplace mantel where I can look at him and keep hoping that, God willing, I may someday catch up with my son.
In my morning devotions, I am reading about Abraham and Sarah. Genesis 18:11 (ESV) says: “Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years. The way of women had ceased to be with Sarah.” I chuckled when I read the phrase, “the way of women.” I have longed to be in “the way of women” for several years. Upon reading further in Scripture, I learned that Sarah did not give birth to her son Isaac for another 25 years! I guess my elephant wait isn’t so long after all.
25 years! A quarter of a century. No wonder his parents named him Isaac, whose name means “he laughs.” I’m sure that Abraham and Sarah shared a good many laughs before and after Isaac’s birth. God really does have a sense of humor. I’m going to do more laughing.
Katie’s blog has helped us all open up the lines of communication about barrenness with our spouses, friends, churches and family members. Following suit, I also sent my mom some questions about her experience having two daughters who struggle with infertility and what it was like to welcome an adopted child into the family. Her words are a glimpse into her heart, which she doesn’t often expose in an effort to be strong for her children. I believe she gives a voice to the thoughts and fears that many mothers have but are afraid to share. Thanks mom, for your honesty, compassion, and encouragement over the years. You’ve had to hold up under the strain of this as well–times two.
Watching both of my daughters suffer in their barrenness has been heart wrenching. There is an actual physical pain in my heart when I think about it. There is no greater joy than to carry a child inside of you and I so want that for my daughters. I want to fix this, I want to make it go away and be better. I’m supposed to be able to do this as a mother and I can’t. I have two daughters that can’t conceive now and I wonder what I did during my pregnancy that caused this. Anti-nausea drugs maybe? There is tremendous guilt at times and yet I know that it wasn’t intentional. I know that God is here with all of us and has wonderful plans for my girls, we just don’t know what they all are yet.
One of the blessings that has come from this experience is that I have become an adoptive grandparent. We got to meet our grandson several weeks before he was placed in our daughter’s home. He was sweet but it felt like we were babysitting for a wonderful little boy. During the two weeks that followed I remember feeling like I did when I was pregnant for my second child. I thought at the time, “Will I be able to love another child as much as I do my firstborn?” I wondered if I would be able to love an adopted child as much as my other grandchildren who were born from my son. The second my daughter stepped into her home with my new grandson it was instant love. I felt this tremendous overwhelming feeling of joy and thankfulness that we had this new precious baby! It didn’t matter where this baby came from, he was ours. I continue to feel this way every time I see him and I am in awe that I can be a part of his life. Thank you God.
I still wish that God would give my daughters a child to carry, but most of all I wish a peace and a contentment in their lives. If they are never able to carry another child I pray that God will give both of my girls a peace about it. They are both trying to adopt (one for the first time, the other for a second) and it has been a long, long process. Why God? Because our babies haven’t been born yet. I am impatient but, “My soul waits on the Lord.”
It’s happened twice now in the past two months. I’m on the phone with a family member, talking about our upcoming international adoption. As we talk, I lament the fact that referrals were not given as far into the month as I’d hoped. The reaction on the other end of the phone line: Oh, I was thinking it’s good that referrals were given at least that far.
Then it dawns on me. I’ve been looking at this from the wrong perspective. Again. I’ve been grieving over the child that is not yet in my arms. I’ve been coveting what has not been given to me. I’ve been accusing God of not getting His timeline to match up correctly with mine. I’ve started another pity-party.
Thanks be to God that He forgives my pessimism, my self-idolatry, my lack of perspective.
My mom Laurie Schepmann is a caring soul, and it is my fervent prayer that my life might emulate her grace and love. She has never wavered in her love for me as I have journeyed from a little girl into a grown woman and am now dealing with the cross of barrenness. Below is a letter that Mom wrote. I share it with you as a reminder that you are loved as a daughter, whether or not you are a parent.
Dear Kristi,
I do want to say once again that your value or worth or whatever you want to call it has never diminished in our eyes because of your barrenness. The same goes for our love for you. Such a thing would never enter our minds. You are our daughter, and nothing can change our love for you or the bonds that tie us to each other.
I do appreciate how difficult a thing it must be to share something like barrenness when one views it as a humiliation or degradation of oneself. I, however, have never felt that it lessened a person, or more specifically YOU…but, then again, I have not “walked in your shoes.” I understand that there are people who can make you feel that way, though, and the only thing I know is to forgive them for their lack of understanding, pray for them, and move on.
Those who are barren are not lessened in my mind one iota. It is just another one of those things over which one has no control. As always, we support each other whenever we can and whenever we finally REALIZE that there is a need. So often, we are not there for others because we have no idea what goes on in their hearts and minds. Thanks be to God that there is forgiveness for us and that He promises to be with us and help us in all of our needs, though!
It has always been my belief that you handled it very well. Little did I know, though, of the turmoil and pain you endured in private. Because of our desire not to snoop, but rather to wait for you to share any news, if and when you chose to, we said very little. If you interpreted that as not caring, I apologize and feel sorry about it.
We are looking forward to the time when you can bring your adopted child home! Whoever he, or she, may be, we know this child will find welcoming hearts and laps and hugs in our family. My prayers for that child, as you know, have continued from the first time you told us that you were applying for a child! (In anticipation of his/her joining us soon, we’ve already bought him/her a Christmas stocking.) May our loving Heavenly Father, Who knows all of our needs, bring that child to us soon and in accord with His divine wisdom and will; for, He surely knows and loves us more than anyone else. We know that special love through His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ!
Thank you for opening up and sharing with us and with others, who are traveling that same, painful road. May God bless you for your courage and help many others through you. God works all things for good to those who love Him.
Love,
Mom
