Adoption

Gift Language in Action

IMG_4866 copyYesterday’s Sunday school lesson was about Abraham’s visitors from heaven, and this conversation went down in my 4th-5th grade class:

Me: God gave Abraham and Sarah the gift of a child, even in their old age. You may have noticed that Pastor and I have not been given the gift of children. Is God going to give us a child?

Tall Girl: Yes!

Reflective Boy: Well…

Me: Think of it this way, why did God give Abraham and Sarah the gift of a child?

Insightful Boy: Because He promised them a child.

Me: Exactly! God gave Abraham and Sarah the gift of Isaac, because God was fulfilling a promise that He made. Has God promised Pastor and me in His Word that He will give us the gift of a child?

(silence; Petite Girl’s mouth hangs open in careful thought)

Tall Girl: Yes, because even if you don’t have a child, you will adopt a baby and get a child that way. That’s how it works.

Me: Adopted children are gifts from God, too. Pastor and I want to adopt children, but God has not given us children that way, either. Neither has He promised us in His Word that He will do so. We are different from Abraham and Sarah that way. But do you want to hear the good news? Whether or not God gives Pastor, me, or you the gift of children someday, we are already blessed. Do you know why? Because when God kept His promise to Abraham and Sarah, He was also keeping His promise to us. Think about it. Isaac was born and then another child in the next generation and then another child in the next generation and on and on until Who was born?

Insightful Boy: Jesus.

Me: Exactly. In keeping His promise to give Abraham and Sarah a child, God was keeping His promise to give all of us the Child Jesus to save us from our sins. That’s why Pastor and I and you can rejoice even if we are never given the gift of another child.

Just a Couple of Monkeys

I have a confession to make.

(WARNING: my personal, despicable depravity is about to be on full display.)

I am sometimes comforted to hear that God doesn’t just withhold the gift of children from me but also from others.

(Ugh. I know. I apologize for my wretchedness, and I’m hanging my head in utter, red-faced shame.)

It’s just so nice to receive a bit of empathetic correspondence from a sister in Christ and learn that I am not the only childless monkey in the cage being studied and analyzed by curious pedestrians as the exotic species that I am. Thank you, Beth, for hanging out with me and swinging on some ropes for awhile:

I was given your book, He Remember the Barren, and found great comfort in it. My husband and I have been married 16 years, have three children in heaven and none in our home to raise despite years of trying to have biological and adoptive children.  

I just listened to your June interview with Rev. Wilken and laughed in commiseration when you mentioned that women go through a mid-life crisis a little early. I agree that we face our ultimate barrenness a bit early but in the past few months, since we have closed our adoption file, I’ve been thinking of my mid-life crisis in the sense of “empty nest syndrome.” I am facing a few years earlier than most the question of “What’s next?” What does God have planned for me in this next part of life as I grieve the end of dreams of motherhood and embrace a home filled with two. He is beginning to answer those questions but as always His plan unfolds over time and I must trust, obey, and keep listening.  

Amen, and may God bless and keep you, Beth, in this empty-nesting season of life. xo

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Not What You Expect

MP900382859Barrenness is and always will be a bad thing. It is evidence of sin in the world, a dysfunction of God’s good creation, a deviation from how He created things to be.

However, I am blessed to suffer from barrenness.

Really, I am, for I used to think I could get pregnant whenever and however I wanted. In my barrenness, I have been properly chastened and disciplined, for now I know the truth that I can do no such thing apart from God’s blesséd giving.

I am blessed to suffer from childlessness.

Really, I am, for I used to believe the world’s promise that my own desire to be an adoptive mother and my own good works of planning, saving, seeking, advocating, training, earning, praying, and hoop-jumping would grant me success in adopting a child. In my childlessness, I have been properly chastened and disciplined, for now I know the truth – the whole truth – that God really is the Giver of the gift of all children.

Now, in my lowly estate, I can boldly confess this Biblical truth to all of you:

But for God’s wise, blesséd giving, none of us would be parents of conceived or adopted children, and we are wise to trust His prudent allocation. For, He promises to be wise in our stead and for our sake.

“Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD.”

It Didn’t Work Out

I’m not a huge fan of this phrase.

Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with it. I just don’t think it fully confesses the whole truth when it comes to adoption.

So whenever people ask me about the status of our current adoption situation, I prefer to say:

“It didn’t work out in such a way as to make us parents.”

Because it did actually work out.

Just not the way we wanted.

Thanks be to God that, even though He has not given us the gift of children, He gives us the gift of Faith which trusts in His working all things for good in the lives of His children. Even the children we don’t get to parent. Even us.

What joy and peace can be found in Christ Jesus!

Father Watching His Infant Sleep

 

Eleven Blessings

Looking for an opportunity to mother some children? Offer to babysit somebody’s children for a few hours. It will be a blessing to you, to the children, and to their parents.

For one afternoon, this summer, I got to be MOM to these eleven kiddos. And what a joy that was! We didn’t stay home. Oh, no, we braved the local water park for several hours. The kids checked in with Jerome and me from time to time. Sunscreen and water, you know. The three little ones stayed in the little squirts’ play area and then spent time in their strollers, napping. It took two vehicles to cart our baker’s dozen home, but we did it. Was it tiring? No, it was short-term parenting. The kids all played so nicely together. Could I do it on a regular basis? With God’s help, I could, and I would. The amount of food they ate amazed me. They didn’t all sit around my table either; they took advantage of the nice weather outdoors. It was a treat to have them in my charge for several hours. They were all well-behaved children and enjoyed each other’s company; it was fun to watch them interact with one another. I am so blessed to be a parent, a good friend, and a godmother to these blessings from God.

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What If…

10588494-pregnant-woman-holding-big-question-mark-all-on-white-backgroundWhile at the doctor’s office for a routine physical exam, I decided to ask about the official diagnosis for my barrenness. My physician is a wise soul, and, since she hadn’t been my primary physician years ago, she asked a variety of questions. We visited back and forth, reviewing my medical history. I assured her that I did not NEED to know the exact reason for my barrenness; I was merely asking out of curiosity.

After more discussion, she asked, “So if you could get pregnant, would you?” She caught me completely off guard. “Wow,” I replied, “nobody has asked me that question in the past several years.” She quickly apologized and assured me that I need not answer that question. “No, I do want to answer that,” I told her. “You surprised me because that scenario has not entered my mind since we began the adoption process eight years ago.” I went on to share with her that I believed all children to be gifts. If God would bless our family with another biological child, then I would definitely receive him/her with great joy. At least I think I would. Right?

I pondered her question over and over again. At times, I was excited. God could bless our family yet again with a child. At other times, I was terrified. I have just survived a challenging eighteen months with the arrival of our two youngest children. Could I handle another child right now? I thought that our quiver was going to have three arrows, so I wasn’t even considering the possibility of more children. I was being challenged. I could feel myself trying to take control of a possible pregnancy situation. Why, oh, why was I trying to take the reins of something that is completely out of my hands?

Thanks be to God for His continuous forgiveness, despite my attempts to be in charge. God knows what’s going to happen. The “What if….” question may play out for years to come. What if we do get pregnant? Will I be able to handle all that a pregnancy entails? What if we don’t get pregnant? Will I remain thankful for my blessings? “What if…” can be a dangerous question because it leads me down paths that may not be what God has in mind for me. This I KNOW, however…. God is in control, and He is always working for my eternal good.

The Wisdom of Kristi

P1060196More than a few times along this HRTB blogging journey, I have been broken in such a way that required someone else putting me back together. That someone was almost always Kristi.

“I don’t think God’s going to give us any children,” I remember sobbing into the phone to her one afternoon. I felt so worthless to the world as a childless, married woman, and the guilt and shame of barrenness and failed adoptions and empty arms threatened to overwhelm me.

“I love you just the way you are,” Kristi spoke evenly into my ear. “I wouldn’t change one thing about you. God has given you what you have today, and He works all things for your good. You are blessed even without children.”

When scathing correspondence began pouring in from IVF advocates around the world, Kristi kept me on task.

“People need to be educated in a gentle yet honest way,” she cheered, “one that points them back to Christ, Who keeps them.”

There were even times when Kristi seemed almost telepathic, as if she could sense what particular burdens and doubts I was struggling against that day.

“Your marriage has been blessed by God,” she pointed out, “despite not being blessed with children either biologically or adopted. Your marriage is a gift from the Lord, and that is something to be cherished.”

But there is one little bit of correspondence from Kristi that, still to this day, moves me more than anything else. It’s just so selfless and generous. For, from across an ocean and in the middle of a sleepless night just after her adopted baby girl had finally been put into her arms for the first time, Kristi emailed me – insignificant, childless me:

“I know there is joy and pain for you personally on this day. Know this, dear sister, you are loved for who you are TODAY. Your worth is found in the shadow of the One who has borne all of our suffering. His gifts are yours each and every day, despite your earthly pains and sorrows. You. Are. Loved!” 

Even now, the fact that Kristi put her own joy on hold to sit with me in my grief, stings my eyes with liquid salt.

Kristi is that person who tells me the truth – the unpolluted Truth which comforts and restores – when I need to hear it the most, and I am better for it.

That’s why, whenever I sit down to write a post on this website, I try so hard to be like her.

Guaranteed or Your Money Back

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According to the wisdom of the ages, the following items guarantee a pregnancy:

1. a vegan diet

2. an organic diet

3. a dairy-free diet

4. an organic, dairy-free, vegan diet

5. cough syrup

6. cod liver oil

7. an adoption

8. yoga and green tea

9. egg washes (don’t ask)

10. relaxing

11. prayer

12. claiming your pregnant destiny

13. the think system

14. exercising

15. not exercising

16. losing weight

17. gaining weight

18. green smoothies

19. acupuncture

20. a reiki

21. Vit A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z

22. progesterone shots

23. pelvic elevation

24. IVF

25. a stork (Well, not really. This one only guarantees a baby.)

But the wisdom of the ages never attaches the “or your money back” to this guarantee. Can you guess why?

The only Scripture-proven, 100%-guarantee any of us has when it comes to pregnancy (or adoption, for that matter) is that the LORD does and doesn’t give the gift of children according to His good and perfect will – a will which is promised to work for our eternal good – with or without all of the stuff listed above.

And you can bank on that.