Thank you to Andy Bates of the Faith ‘n’ Family show on KFUO for interviewing Kristi, Pastor Schuermann, and me on the topic, “Infertility and God’s Will.” We discussed all kinds of things, including God’s gift of children, barrenness, adoption, and infertility medicine.
You can listen to the program here.
My young pen pal recently became a big sister through adoption last year – twice!
Here’s how she described her new life as a big sister in her most recent letter to me:
We are super busy. Sometimes I lock myself in my bedroom, lie on my bed, and try to imagine life BEFORE munchkins 2 and 3. It is IMPOSSIBLE. I can’t even think of our living room 2 years ago. 🙂 Right now, Little Brother is hanging onto my chair watching Little Sister ride her tricycle around the kitchen/dining room while holding her baby doll. She stops every time she goes by Little Brother to smile at him.
Isn’t that delightful?
Have you and your husband considered adoption?
One of the most terrifying things about adoption is handling everyone else’s expectations. They come on so heavy from the start.
“You should adopt. Why haven’t you adopted, yet? Is it the money? Is it that you only want a child from your own womb, because there are so many orphaned children out there who need a home.”
“How can you have been married for so long and not have adopted a child, yet? If you just started the process, you’d have a child in just a couple of years.”
“You don’t need to have the money up front. God will provide it if you, in good faith, go ahead and start the process. He helps those who help themselves.”
“It’s selfish whenever people adopt from overseas. Don’t they know there are children right here in America who need our help?”
“If you start the adoption process, you’ll get pregnant in, like, a year. I know a ton of people who’ve had that happen.”
All of the questions and projections and insinuations that surround the issue of adoption in our society are not unlike those which surround infertility. Our world – and, in some cases, even the Church – really does believe a barren woman can and should be able to control such things, but a barren woman knows the truth that there is not a single thing she can do to give herself the gift of a child through conception or adoption. Oh, how she knows it! Believe me, if she could control such things, she would have a child, already.
I think it’s worth reflecting a bit on what kinds of answers we’re expecting the barren to give in response to the questions listed above. Most certainly, their answers would be personal (too personal for general conversation in my humble opinion), and the barren most likely won’t engage us with a list of self-justifications for why they’ve not yet been given a child through adoption. The reasons are often too painful: the rejections from birth mothers and agencies, the ethical dilemmas, the meager pocketbook, the pre-existing medical conditions already in the family, the income level which can’t support the medical needs of a special-needs child, an unsupportive extended family, racism in grandparents and church bodies, an unsure spouse, and so much more.
I recently talked with a woman who was denied the opportunity to adopt because the agency rules of her generation required that both she and her husband have college degrees. It didn’t matter that they had plenty of home and heart and income to support the needs of a child.
We just have no idea why God in His wisdom has not given the gift of children through adoption to some barren couples, and we would be wise to respect His giving.
Remember, children are a gift from the LORD – even adopted children – and “His will is just and holy.”
My husband said this to me the other day:
We have to deal with our false gods. That’s what God does with us. He makes us confront our false gods and see how they actually fail us.
In my barrenness, God makes me confront my false god of control, for, up to this moment, there is not a single thing I have been able to do to control my barrenness and give myself the gift of a child through conception or adoption.
Nor have you been able to do it.
Hear that? That’s the sound of my big-bellied, false god falling off my mantle and shattering onto the floor.
And for that, I thank God for my barrenness.
Nurse: Do you have any children?
Me: We have not been blessed with any children, and I’m thinking maybe it won’t happen at this point.
Nurse: Oh, now, I don’t know. I have many friends who have done IVF, and, then, when they stopped trying and finally relaxed, they got pregnant.
Me: Well, my husband and I’ve never done IVF, so we’ve been relaxing for over eleven years, now. We’ve probably earned a black belt in relaxation.
Nurse: But, still, you never know. I have a friend who tried for years to get pregnant. Then, when she and her husband adopted a child, they suddenly got pregnant.
Me: I have a sister who has adopted three children and has never been pregnant. I also have two close friends who adopted three children between them in the last year, and neither of them have gotten pregnant since. And my husband and I never got pregnant after going through the foster parent training program. That was three years ago.
Nurse: I don’t know. I know too many people who’ve had that happen.
Me: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m just saying that it also doesn’t happen.
Nurse: Well, it seems like a lot of people get pregnant that way.
Me: And a lot of people don’t. As many as one-third of the couples who seek medical help for their infertility never achieve a pregnancy.
Nurse: That’s not a very big number.
Me: It is to one-third of the couples trying to get pregnant.
Nurse: The glass is half full.
Me: And half empty. But what does it matter? Why bother measuring the glass at all when taking a drink? It is what it is, and it is given to us by God for our good. Bottoms up!
Thank you to Kelly Stout for reminding us of all that comes with being chosen as an adoptive parent.
“Joseph’s Worthiness (and My Own)”
I carry around a strange sort of guilt – one that only those blessed by adoption can probably understand. Why in the world did God and my son’s birthmother choose me? Oh, it is loaded with guilt. When I fail as a mother, I fail my child, I fail God, and I fail my child’s birthmother. I don’t talk about it often, because it makes people uncomfortable. My reality of feeling guilty for being chosen when others have been waiting weighs on me. I see my friends struggling to conceive, I see my friends waiting with great anticipation to be chosen as adoptive parents, and I see myself failing so often in my vocation.
We don’t know very much about Joseph’s emotions as being chosen as an adoptive father. We all know Mary asked, “Why me?” Given my own guilt about the vocation of caring for a son entrusted to me through adoption, I can only imagine that Joseph felt unworthy. “The Son of God? You want me to be responsible for raising the Son of WHO? Why have I been chosen when all those other men are so much better than me?” At least, that is how I feel at times. “Those other women would probably do a better job than me…” When, in fact, that guilt is very far from the truth.
In teaching our toddler son about his infant adoption, we tell him, “Your birthmother loves you so much that she asked God to help her choose a mommy and daddy for you. And you know who He chose for you? Us, your Mommy and Daddy!” When I say those words, I am not only teaching my son about God’s love for him, I am also reminding myself God did indeed choose us. We were given this child, not because we deserve him, not because we are better than anyone else, but because before he was conceived God knew him and knew all the days numbered for him even before there were any of them. He gave us the vocation of father and mother. He entrusted this little babe to us. He will provide us with the wisdom and strength needed to raise him in the way of the Lord.
When Joseph looked around, saw his own sin and failure, and wondered, “God, why was I given this Gift when others were not,” I hope he was reminded that those others, all others indeed, were given the same Gift. The Gift bore our guilt on a cross, died, and rose again, so that with Joseph, we need not question our worthiness in our vocations. Our worthiness is declared through Him.
Kelly Stout
Thank you to Pastor Ryan McDermott for reminding us that we, like Joseph, are sometimes called to take on the legal and ethical responsibility of caring for children that are not our own.
“WWJD: What Would Joseph Do?”
It occurs to me that, as a husband, a father, and a pastor, I fulfill many of the same roles as St. Joseph. And yet, at the same time, my roles are nothing like his. I cannot imagine the situation of living with and taking to wife the Mother of God, let alone raising God Incarnate as my son.
St. Joseph is known as the Nutritor Domini, the Nourisher of our Lord. He was responsible for protecting and providing for the physical well-being of Jesus from the time of the Annunciation onward. This child was not his, and yet Joseph took on the legal and ethical burden. This is not unlike the vocation of a pastor toward his congregation. My people are not, strictly speaking, my people – they are the people of God, the children of our heavenly Father. And yet, they are mine because they are entrusted to me by that same Father. It is my charge to bring to birth, bathe, feed, teach, and nourish them in the faith, just as Joseph was charged with the same duties for our Lord Christ. I hold them as a trust from the Lord, to deal with them according to His command.
As a father, I am in much the same position. My children are my own – biologically, legally, and ethically speaking. And yet they are not mine. Although they come from my flesh, they are the children of God entrusted to me for only a lifetime. It is my vocation to bring them to birth, feed, bathe, clothe, house, and raise them in the fear of the Lord. They are a gift, a trust from the Lord. They are His, and finally I must surrender my will, my hopes and fears, my desires and wishes for them, and I must let His will be done for and to and through them.
To be married to the Mother of God is something I cannot fathom. I have no words to talk about that because it is truly extraordinary. However, I know the love that flows between a husband and wife. And I know the sacrifices and difficulties, as well as the triumphs and unspeakable joys, that happen in a marriage. There is something to be said about Rome’s idea that a priest is wedded to the Church. St. Paul speaks of the marriage relationship as a living icon of the relationship between Christ and His Church. It is my duty and privilege to stand before my wife and before my congregation as their Defender against evil. It is my vocation to provide them with all that they need to support their daily life. It is my privilege to speak to them, both privately and publicly, the Word of the Lord to forgive their sins and strengthen their faith. It is my duty to stand in the gap, between them and the evil forces of this world, to beat back the darkness with the Light of the World.
Lord God, our heavenly Father, thank you for the example of St. Joseph, the Guardian of our Lord and the Protector of the Church. Strengthen all faithful men to be guardians of Your people and defenders of the Faith as You have given to us; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Pastor Ryan McDermott
Gina is someone I look up to in so many ways, not only because she is an extraordinary woman who bakes decadent, gluten-free desserts, but because she doesn’t hide from the crosses God has given her – and she encourages me to do the same:
PCOS is so hard to live with and deal with, not only because of the infertility but because all of it is the pits. At this point in my life, I can look back and see that my PCOS was/is a cross to bear that at times I threw on the ground and despised, but, as with all crosses, it continues to be bearable only through Christ and the love of Christian friends, my spouse, and family. From this perspective, I can tell you that I am in part shaped by the suffering of PCOS and, as with all suffering, God can use it for the good of both the sufferer and those around her; but I can only see that now that I am 47 and reconciled to my barrenness, and I still only glimpse this here and there.
A friend of mine and I were talking about the wounds and scars of life and we finally decided that we can’t hide them and we can’t repair them. We can only let them leak God’s mercy to others, that same mercy He showed us.
It’s very rare to find me in a courtroom. And yet, I was there yesterday for 2 special reasons. Our daughter Maria was being readopted in the USA. At the same time, the finalization of adoption for our son Josiah was also being completed. My husband and I watched the legal system work. Both of our lawyers presented evidence that supported our request to adopt. The judge reviewed the piles of paperwork and listened to our testimony. He even asked Joanna a few questions about being a big sister. After twenty minutes, we heard the judge decree that… “from this day henceforth Maria shall be the adopted child of Jerome and Kristin Leckband.” He also decreed that… “from this day henceforth Josiah shall be the adopted child of Jerome and Kristin Leckband.” And there was much clapping from the gallery of friends who had come to share our joy.
And just like that it was done. We officially have 2 more children in our family. The range of emotions that I have experienced in the past 24 hours is wide. Incredible joy at these blessings God gives. Extreme humbleness for being given the responsibility to parent. Guilt over the gift of three children. Pain for birth families. Relief that the adoption process for both children is finally over.
Each adoption story is unique and special. God knows each of His children and provides for them when and where He wills. Jerome and I conversed about the Galatians passage regarding adoption.
Galatians 4:4-5
English Standard Version (ESV)
4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.
We did not choose these children. The Chinese adoption agency matched us with Maria. Josiah’s birthmother chose us to care for her son. There was nothing in us that deserved either of these children; God brought these children to us. The same can be said for our biological daughter Joanna. God gave her to us. Also, God chose me to be adopted into His family. He made me His child in Holy Baptism. On my baptism date of August 27, 1972, it was decreed that… from this day henceforth Kristin Kay shall be a child of God. It’s all God’s work in us and through us.
And, so, to those of you who are working through the adoption process, know this. The Lord is with you every step of the way, no matter the outcome. Adoption is not an easy answer to the prayer for children. The adoption process can be loaded with bumps and bruises and disappointments and u-turns and marathon miles. There will likely be pain and hardship and trials. Still, God provides what is best for you. He always does. Thus, if the Lord blesses you with a child, it is purely by His grace and mercy. And when the judge makes the official decree regarding the adoption of YOUR child, then you can smile all day and all night and do a happy dance. I did, and I’m still smiling today.
Bo Giertz writes that when it comes to prayer, Jesus said “we should be persistent and not give up. We should compare ourselves with the man who, in the middle of the night needed to borrow some bread, and knocked on his neighbor’s door. God isn’t like the neighbor. He doesn’t mind being inconvenienced, but it’s a part of His fatherly way of rearing and teaching His children that He allows us to wait. Maybe He does it just so we learn to pray by being forced to think about what we pray for and being compelled to repeat what we have said in an effort to examine the contents. We have to be sure that what we pray for really comes from the heart. Then, we have God’s promise that He opens the door for us and that He hears us. We might not get just what we prayed for, but it will always be a good gift and just what we need most. Jesus doesn’t say that God gives us what we hoped for, but that He gives the Holy Spirit to those who pray to Him. He gives us the Holy Spirit when we pray persistently and faithfully and come to God with all our needs. The Spirit influences us and transforms us. Sometimes we stop praying about something because we understand that it wasn’t God’s will. Sometimes we discover that we’ve already received something that is better. Sometimes, as we pray, we see a completely different way of looking at what worried us. Or maybe God helps us in some other way–but He always helps us.” (To Live with Christ, 347-8)
