Church

A Bitter Pill to Swallow

Question Submitted: How do you not get boiling mad at women who use contraception to avoid the gift of children?

I remember that I, too, was once convinced by the world and (let’s be honest) the church that children are an option, an extra, a commodity, a consumer product, a resource, a burden, a leech, a finance drainer, an insurance expense, a vacation-stealer, a career-spoiler, a free-time-monger, and an oops to be carefully planned for, timed, and controlled in marriage.

Oh, to have known and believed from the start that children are a blessing in marriage, a gift given from a loving, generous God! To look back on my youth with no regrets!

Yet, in Christ, God has forgiven me of all my regrets. My scarlet sins have been washed clean in my Baptism. I now wear the white robes of Christ’s righteousness, and I trust that the debt created by the selfishness of my youth is paid in full by Jesus’ death on the cross. How can I not show mercy to other women when I have been forgiven of so much?

So, I seldom get angry at my sisters in Christ who use contraception to avoid the gift of children. I just get very sad, for when I look into their busy, distracted, fearful eyes, I see myself. When I hear my sisters in Christ try to explain to me why it is good and right for them to avoid children in marriage, I hear myself. And I know the pain and guilt such decisions bring. The best thing I know to do is to lovingly speak gift language to them and pray that God would open their eyes to the precious gifts He would give to them.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Dirty Laundry

This year, it is easy to rejoice.

I may have been jealous – even angry – in the past, but this year is different. It is remarkably easy to rejoice in the gift of children you all have been given.

Maybe it is because I wrote a book. Maybe it is because I said my piece. Maybe it is because my dirty laundry has been aired in the bright sunshine of confession and absolution. Maybe it is because you all have been so kind and sensitive and generous and inclusive in sharing the news of your gift-children with me.

Most likely, though, it is because God has given me good gifts of my own: the gifts of peace, understanding, and faith in His salutary Word that children – even the children born to and adopted by others – are truly gifts from Him.

So, bring on the birth announcements. Shower me with news of adoption referrals. You can even use one of the four baby names I have zealously hoarded in my heart for my own dream children.

Your children are gifts from God, and I get to rejoice in them.

Do We Remain Silent?

Question submitted: Some members of our family gave birth to their children through IVF. Throughout their IVF journey there was grief, despair, and much sorrow both at the loss of several children/embryos as well as family members who did not necessarily approve of their decision to move forward with IVF. As IVF has become such a common practice, how can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant? In their view we just didn’t “get infertility” and we had children of our own so we truly didn’t understand their pain and suffering. Secondly, now that they have brought children into the world there is much joy and happiness throughout our entire family. But the one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity? I will tell you that during their IVF treatments there was so much unrest because some family members condoned their IVF treatments and others did not.

Dear friend, you have just given our readers a first-hand account of the heartache and conflict that IVF can bring to a family. And this is happening in Christian families everywhere, touching those who live the faster-paced lifestyles in the major cities as well as the “family values” farming communities in the Midwest. On our speaking tours, Katie and Kristi and I have talked to many women and other family members who, like you, are at a loss as to how to address this huge mess that has spilled out of a couple’s seemingly innocent desire to have a child. Lord, have mercy!

Your question has two main parts and I want to address them separately.

1. “How can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant?”

I know that it is often hard for fertile family members to reach out to their barren loved ones. But I think that in the case where IVF is being discussed it is absolutely vital for families, churches and pastors to pray for courage to address this with a couple. It is because you love them that you desire to steer them away from the temptation to fall into sin—namely the sin against the 5th Commandment where they would most certainly (not might, not could) be hurting or even killing their “neighbor” (the embryos/children that are discarded or frozen as a result). And it is your love for God that propels you to boldly share His Word about this kind of sin with the couple, believing that the Word is powerful and can change hearts. Approach your family members with the genuine compassion that you’ve expressed and confidently share with them these thoughts:

a. Some of our previous posts on IVF lay out what can happen during IVF and why Christians should abandon this option.

b. The various resources listed on this site (particularly Dr. Weise’s article and this Issues, Etc. show) are filled with wisdom, Scripture references, and more reasons not to engage in the procedure.

c. Scripture calls children a reward, a gift, intricately woven, formed and knitted together by our Heavenly Father (Psalm 127:3 and 139:15). When the vast majority of IVF procedures end in the freezing or killing off of unwanted children, then we are not viewing them as rewards, gifts, and specially created beings who were meant to be born, baptized, and raised in the Christian faith (Exodus 20:13).

d. Don’t let the fact that you are fertile prevent you from speaking the truth in love to your barren family. They need to realize that the pain of barrenness does not justify treating living human beings as IVF treats them.

2. “The one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity?”

Thank you for acknowledging the lives that still exist as a result of this couple’s actions. You are very aware that this couple has multiple children now, though most of them have not been born. Can there truly be family unity now when parts of the family are frozen and deserted? Since these children are your relatives, too, you see that they are not being cared for as they should and I think you have every right to bring this to the attention of the parents. Please do encourage and attempt to influence your family members to recognize that those tiny human embryos are really children who must be rescued. The couple made the conscious decision to conceive these children—which made them parents—and the Bible has much to say about the responsibility that comes with parenting:

a. We are to have compassion on our children, which results in loving them and caring for all their needs (Psalm 103:13, Matthew 7:11).

b. We are to teach our children about God’s Law, love, and promises (Deuteronomy 4:9 and 6:7, Psalm 78:4, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4).

c. We are not to do anything that would keep our children from knowing Jesus or that would tempt them away from him (Matthew 18:5-7 and 19:14).

d. We are to have our children baptized (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 16:30-33) after they have been born (John 3:3-5).

When parents allow their children to be frozen and to remain in this state they cannot carry out these responsibilities. The goal of your discussion with your family members is repentance, a change of mind. If they do indeed repent and as a result want to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8), then it would be good to help them to do so.

And here is where it gets really hard. There is no easy way to undo the wrong that has been done. The hard truth is that this couple is morally obligated to parent all these children that they have made, meaning they should plan to implant all of the frozen embryos. This would likely take several procedures to achieve, each costing several thousands of dollars, and in the process several lives will probably be lost. I wish there was an easier way but I do not know of any. IVF is such a tangled mess that it is extremely difficult and very costly to try to make amends. That is why we choose to address this topic so much on this blog. We seek not only to show love to children by promoting procreation the “traditional” way, but we seek to show love to the desperate couple who is contemplating this procedure. Our goal is to spare them and their family members from having to make the extreme sacrifices that are necessary in order to take full responsibility for all the children conceived in IVF. The amazing power of Christ’s forgiveness, applied to the repentant heart, repairs our broken relationship with God and renews our ability to stand before him as righteous, cleansed and cherished children. This is true family unity. But in this earthly life there are still consequences for sin and these are often a very heavy burden. If you find that your family members are ready to confess the mistakes of their past, embrace them with your love and Christ’s, and do what you can to help them bear what lies ahead as they attempt to care for all their children.

The Hunger Games

I finally did it. I read The Hunger Games trilogy.

The youth at our church have been clamoring for me to read Suzanne Collins’ series for years, but the waiting list at the Dallas Public Library for these books is perpetually so long I keep wadding up my interest and tossing it in the nearest trashcan.

However, my eldest niece showed up to our shared vacation spot this past week with all three books in hand. She was gracious to loan everything hungry, on fire, and flying to me for a few days so that I can now hold my head high in the youth room.

Everyone was right. The books are hard to put down once you start reading them, but I won’t opine on dystopian fantasy nor bore you with my impressions of Katniss and Panem and everything in between. I also refuse to comment on the plot, because, if you are anything like me, you don’t want to know what’s going to happen in a story until it unfolds on the pages before you. Part of the fun of reading a new story and immersing yourself in an alternate reality is playing cat and mouse with the author’s foreshadowing.

I will, however, draw your attention to one line of societal commentary which is revealed through the conscience of the story’s protagonist:

“I no longer feel any allegiance to these monsters called human beings, despise being one myself…Because something is significantly wrong with a creature that sacrifices its children’s lives to settle its differences…who does it benefit? No one.” (Mockingjay, 377)

I don’t think anyone in our own nation today would argue with the protagonist.

Except when it comes to abortion.

Because, in our own dystopian world, it is okay to sacrifice a child’s life, period. No unsettled differences need even apply.

True Compassion

My husband drew my attention to an article in the most recent issue of Gottesdienst. Think on Rev. David Petersen’s words:

Compassion leads to action, but is not action. It is identification and suffering with the afflicted. The old saw “misery loves company” usually means we like to bring others down with us, but we might turn it around a bit. We might see the example of our Lord and recognize that compassion loves by joining misery. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15 ESV).

Compassion moves the compassionate to action eventually. That action is often material aid, practical assistance, or comfort to relieve the afflicted, or the proclamation of Law and then forgiveness and hope in Christ. But even before the action there is the sympathy and identification. Sometimes, maybe most times, those who are hurting need to hear and know that their hurt is valid and is also unjust. Strangely, it is comforting to know that our mental anguish, our sense of frustration, and our anger are legitimate reactions to a sinful and unjust world…

The first response to suffering isn’t a solution or a fix, but pain. This pain carries with it the realization that nothing afflicts any of us that is not common to man or that our Lord Himself did not endure in the greatest and most terrible measure. This is different from gratitude. It recognizes that it could have been us, such as we hear in the oft-used John Bradford line: “There but for the grace of God go I.” That is part of it, to be sure. But compassion is suffering that is felt in the heart and mind because someone else is suffering and shouldn’t be. They are like sheep without a shepherd. That sad plight moves the heart of the observer first to pity; then comes gratitude and action.*

* Petersen, David H. (Trinity 2012, Vol. 20, No. 1). “Praying for Pity’s Sake.” Gottesdienst: The Journal of the Lutheran Liturgy, 9-10.

Comfort Food

When I’m going through an especially rough patch, I eat. You know those times – waiting for test results, receiving “the call” about a friend’s new baby, being bombarded with questions about your family life, wondering when or if you’ll ever add to your family. In those moments, I rummage through my snack cupboard. (Yes, I’ve upgraded from a drawer to a cupboard.) I’ve eaten my share of chips and popcorn. I’ve licked the ice cream bucket clean. Then I feel guilty about eating all that stuff and finish off with some yogurt and blueberries.

While those food items may make me feel better momentarily, they don’t satisfy completely. Do you know what helps me even more? There’s food that satisfies even more than the salty and the sweet. It’s the Body and Blood of Christ. In Him is full and complete satisfaction. He gives me my daily recommended allowance and more. He knows exactly what I need to remain balanced and healthy. His food cleanses my body of sin and makes me whole again. I can have seconds and thirds and fourths. The Lord’s Supper is an unlimited food buffet. Now that’s comfort food.

Sweet Breezes

We love getting questions and comments from all of you! Sometimes you empathize with us, sometimes you encourage us, sometimes you challenge us, and sometimes you write things we wish we had written ourselves:

Thank you for your website. By your own experience and Lutheran theology, you know the law and Gospel I need. I read the blog about defending multiple children as all gifts from God. I needed to hear that as law. I have been dealing with my barrenness by thinking about how much easier life is without children. That was wrong. Children are always a blessing from God. Thank you also for pointing your readers to the unwavering truths in Scripture: I am God’s child; Jesus loves me and is always with me; I am forgiven because Jesus died for me; Because He rose, I have the hope of eternal life. Thank you.

No, thank you! Your clear proclamation of faith in the goodness of God’s promises and gifts is a sweet, fragrant breeze in a bitter, stale world. I feel refreshed, already.

Her Hands Are Full

Snake’s alive! This world sure is a Debbie Downer when it comes to kids.

I have a friend who is expecting Baby # __ (insert any numeric value over the culturally acceptable number of two), and almost anyone and everyone I tell about Baby’s pending birth says of my friend: “Wow. She has her hands full!”

Not, “Congratulations!” or “Wonderful!” or “How exciting!” or “Praise God for His good gift!” but a pair of raised eyebrows and strained words of judgment.

Is it really such a strange thing to us in the Church that a married couple should welcome more than two children into their family as gifts from God? For, you see, that is what children are to us. They are gifts. We know this to be true, because that is what God tells us in His Word. Children are a heritage from Him, and the couple who has them is blessed. (Psalm 127)

Sure, children may be work. They may require us to give up our annual trek to Sonoma or to forgo buying a new dress every Easter or to miss sleeping for an entire year, but that does not change the truth in God’s Word that children are a sign of His favor. And God’s Word doesn’t differentiate. Baby #8 is just as much of a blessing and a gift as Baby #1. We are so selfish when we think that it is our love and desire that make a child valuable, as if our own wanting or not wanting should determine the goodness of God’s gifts. It is God’s love that gives any of us value, including the children He wants to give to us.

So, whenever someone gives me a “Wow, she has her hands full!” in response to my friend’s blessed state, I usually have to manhandle my eyeballs to keep them from rolling and squeeze my lips shut to keep a sigh of exasperation from escaping. Once my body parts are properly submissive, I try to smile brightly and confess boldly, “Yes, her hands are full of blessings from God!”

Either children are a blessing, or they aren’t. Either God’s Word is true, or it isn’t. Which one is it?

If you don’t know, ask a barren woman.

So You Wanna Complain?

There’s a psalm for that. Yes, you can complain to God about your situation. This world is full of injustices, and barrenness is one of them. God is fully aware of our childless home; He knows the desires of our hearts. Thus, He invites us to bring our sorrows and hurts to Him. When we complain to God, we give evidence to our faith, that we know God is gracious and merciful to hear us and has the power to help us.

Even more, God tells us HOW to complain. There are psalms of lament in the book of Psalms. These psalms show us that it is good and right to complain to our heavenly Father. The very words to use in our complaints are given to us by God Himself.

So what’s in a psalm of lament? 1) a complaint to God about what has gone wrong and God’s failure to help 2) a plea to God for help 3) a confession of faith in God’s goodness 4) a promise of praise for God’s help

Psalm 13 demonstrates all four of these components.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

A psalm of lament gives voice to our sorrows and shows us how to complain. When our lives don’t go as planned, we hurt. It seems as if God has abandoned us, and that makes us angry. This is where Satan enters. He seeks to skew our vision and desires to turn us away from God. Instead, we run with those hurts and angers to Jesus. We unload it on Him, for He alone can take our anger and heal our hurts. Thus, God uses our anger to teach us to rely on Him for all of our needs, both of body and soul.

Share your feelings of sorrow, hurt, and anger with your pastor. Go to him; he is God’s man for you in your time of need. Your pastor will help you complain to God (He can give you a whole list of lament psalms) and will also comfort you with words of God’s grace and mercy.

So go ahead and complain. God wants to hear from you. In fact, He has given you the best words to use – His own.

The Art of Godparenting

Question Submitted: My sister and brother-in-law just welcomed their first child and our first niece into the world. They called us two days ago and asked if we would be her godparents. We welcome any and all godparent advice.

Oh, goodie! This is one of my all-time favorite topics. Please, forgive me if I go overboard in my response. While I have not been blessed with any children of my own, God has seen fit to fill my quiver full with precious godchildren – and I delight in this role! In fact, I probably fall more into the category of god”smother” than godmother.

Here are a few tricks of the trade I have picked up over the years:

1. I grew up with a baptismal banner hanging in my bedroom. Every morning, noon, and night, I could look on my wall and be reminded of the day I was baptized into Christ. Because of this, I think it is important to make a baptismal banner (or some kind of commemorative item) for each godchild. Sometimes, churches already have committees that make banners for their baptismal candidates. In these cases, you can make different things. I once made a candelabra to hold my godson’s baptismal candle, and on another occasion I made a mirror with a cross painted on it for my goddaughter to look in and see her cross-marked reflection.

2. Of course, if you can, it is important to be present to witness the baptism. This is not always possible, but it helps in the years ahead to be able to give first-hand memories from that day. We (my husband and I) hang a picture of our godchildren’s baptisms on our wall at home, so that we can remember them in prayer whenever we see their pictures.

3. We buy them each their own nativity and give a new figurine from the set as a gift every Christmas (starting with Joseph, Mary, and Jesus the first Christmas). A lovely lady I met at seminary taught me this one. (Thank you, Elizabeth!)

4. On their first baptismal birthday, we make them a homemade baptismal scrapbook that has pictures and anecdotes from their baptism. It tells the story of their baptismal day and instructs them on what exactly happened when they were baptized. We like the idea of them looking at it throughout the years and growing up with the proper language of God’s free gift of salvation in their head and in their heart. It is also a great way to teach them the meanings of their white clothing, the candle, the sign of the cross, etc.

5. We bribe them silly. We give them a quarter for every commandment they memorize. We take them out for ice cream when they memorize The Lord’s Prayer. We let them pick out three kinds of candy (one for each person in the Trinity) when they memorize The Apostles Creed. We also give them a quarter for every hymn stanza they learn, though we like to focus on The Ten Commandments, first. (Skype is a great tool for long distance catechismal questioning.)

6. We also talk with the parents and figure out what kinds of books/resources the church provides for our godchildren over the years. Then, we try to supplement whatever they don’t have. If the family doesn’t already have a catechism or Bible, then we like to get them CPH’s The Story Bible and My First Catechism. We plan on giving our godchildren their own Lutheran Study Bible upon confirmation.

7. We encourage the families of our godchildren to have daily family devotions, especially during Advent and Lent. Kids love Advent wreaths and calendars if you are looking for more baptismal birthday gift ideas down the road.

8. I try to teach each of our godchildren the words and actions to both LSB 594 “God’s Own Child, I Gladly Say It” and the following baptismal song:

I was baptized, happy day!

All my sins were washed away.

God looked down on me and smiled.

I became His own, dear child.

From one god”smother” to another, the most important thing is to faithfully pray for your godchildren and to play an active part in their Christian education. If you toss in a little ice cream, a few books, and some games of tag every now and then, it doesn’t hurt one bit.