Thank you to Family Shield Ministries and Kay Meyer for covering the topic of barrenness and He Remembers the Barren on the “Family Shield” radio program yesterday afternoon. I hope you’ll have a listen, too.
Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file.
Or, if you would like to learn more about Family Shield Ministries, please click here.
In a world that tells me I can “have it all,” it is quite hard to accept the fact that God may not have a houseful of children planned for me. I’ve wanted that since I was young. As a little girl, I saw lots of moms with their children. I saw the joy reflected in the faces of mothers and their children as they interacted with each other. Motherhood seemed to be a happy time.
The truth is that I don’t always get what I want. As a young, married woman, I saw that I was not receiving a quiver full of children. Without lots of children surrounding my table, how was I going to be happy? Thus began a struggle to “have it all.” I had forgotten that God provides what I need, and He knows what is best for my eternal good. God provides abundant blessings to all of His children, whether single or married. God’s sons and daughters receive the forgiveness of their sins and eternal life and so much more. Those blessings can only be good gifts.
I never imagined that barrenness would be part of my vocabulary. I never dreamed that it would be part of my life. To hear the word “barren” would conjure up visions of darkness, loneliness, and lack of hope. What a wrong picture that was. God’s blessings abound for the Christian, barren woman. She is a baptized child of Christ. The Lord is with her always. He grants to her the forgiveness of sins and so much more.
The Lord, in His mercy, has granted me a loving spouse and a dear daughter. I know that I gain nothing by trying to control my own fertility, or by coveting the children that have been given to others. I have learned to rejoice in the blessings that have been given to me, and that has helped me to be content.
If my source of contentment is myself, then my world will constantly make me unhappy. I am a sinner, and my feelings will often lead me to pity myself, to covet the gifts others have received, and to be angry at God. None of that could ever lead to happiness because it is subjective. There will be no contentment for me when I focus on my selfishness. Things go wrong. My life is not always a happy place. If I’m going to trust contentment to come from within me, then I’m going to be sad nearly all of the time. There is suffering in this world, and Satan uses suffering to lead us to despair. He tells me that my barrenness is what’s giving me sorrow. If I can find some way to “fix” my barrenness, then I will be happy. If I have one child, then I will be happy. If I have another child, then maybe I’ll be happy. To that, I say, “Satan, be gone!” Barrenness is a cross to bear, but Jesus Christ has borne my sins and sorrows for me and gives me Himself.
True contentment can only come from outside myself. Jesus Christ is the only true source of peace. Thus, being content does not always mean that I will be happy. And thanks be to God that my contentment does not rely on me. There will continue to be times of sorrow throughout my life. I have pain and trouble; I don’t always feel happy. Thank God that my faith in Him does not depend on my feelings. I know with 100% certainty that I am saved from myself through the blood of Jesus. Because of His grace and mercy, I can go to sleep in peace. My world is filled with troubles, but I know that I rest in the arms of Jesus. There is no safer place to be, for it is in Him alone that I have complete comfort. I am at peace in Christ alone.
Question Submitted: Could you recommend a book that would be helpful for my husband? He feels immense guilt and sadness about our inability to have children. I know there are books geared towards women, but I don’t know of any that are geared towards men.
As a barren husband myself, I wish that I knew of a book or article out there that addressed this topic for men. From what I’ve been able to discover, though, there is little if anything out there that seeks to provide comfort to barren men. That being said, I do think that many men would benefit from reading Katie’s book. Yes, there are sections of it that speak much more to the specific grief and pain that the barren woman feels, yet many of the feelings of loss, abandonment, and loneliness are shared by both husband and wife. He Remembers the Barren helps to point each of us back to our abundant worth as children of God.
I’ve also found that studying the Lutheran (Scriptural, really) doctrine of vocation has been beneficial in my personal struggles with feelings of helplessness and of having let my wife down. For the general reader, Gene Veith’s God at Work is the go-to text for learning about this doctrine of vocation. Through vocation, we Christians gain a tremendous comfort in knowing that the things we’re doing in our lives, as well as being able to identify who our neighbors are in life, are all providential gifts of God. He intends for us to serve our neighbor in many and various ways, and He uses us as his “masks” in order to serve them. We find comfort in seeing God’s will concretely revealed for us in the exact circumstances in which we find ourselves.
In fact, using the general doctrine of vocation as a guide, I’d encourage all men who are suffering from barrenness to listen to God’s Word for them in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (ESV)
Here is God’s general desire for husbands: love your wives. Christ came not to be served but to serve. Hearing that we husbands are “Christs” to our wives in marriage (Paul tells us that marriage is a mysterious picture of Christ and the Church), our vocation then is understood as one of serving them. In other words, we should look first to their needs. Our needs are taken care of in Christ’s gift of our wives. Marriage is so beautiful, because, as we serve our wives and give ourselves for them, they likewise will serve us, too.
So, practically speaking, lead your wife in life and especially in the faith. Find a good devotional resource that you can use on a daily basis. A couple excellent ones are the Treasury of Daily Prayer and Bo Giertz’s To Live with Christ. Pray with and for your wife. Set aside a time each week where the two of you will go and do something which you both enjoy together. Once a week, get out the grill and make lunch or dinner. When something breaks in the house, don’t call the repair man, but instead see if you can learn how to fix it yourself (but, please, don’t kill yourself!). These are all excellent vocational ways to actively love and lead your wife.
Finally, men, don’t be afraid to go and talk to your pastor. I know it’s true that we want to appear strong and might feel that talking with your pastor would be a sign of weakness. Please don’t feel this way. Your pastor is there for you, to listen to you and speak Christ’s words to you, in your need. Every single one of us needs this. Hear what the writer to the Hebrews says about Jesus: “Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” (ESV) See what care God has for you? Jesus is there to speak comfort to you, because He completely understands you. Don’t be afraid to come to Him and His pastors, so that your ears can hear his words of mercy for you.
Rev. Michael P. Schuermann
Question Submitted: There is a woman in my church who I think is having trouble conceiving. It seems like she doesn’t talk to anyone about it. Should I try to talk to her? How do I bring up the topic?
First of all, thank you for caring for this woman in your church. You are compassionate to be concerned about her well-being, and I admire you for seeking out advice on how to talk to her about her possible struggles with barrenness.
Here’s a good rule of thumb: never talk to a woman about barrenness in public. Avoid asking her any questions about such private matters while walking into church, during the Sunday school coffee hour, before or after meetings, while waiting in the buffet line at a wedding reception, during rehearsals, or while attending women’s social events. You get the picture. If the woman is indeed barren, she most likely will have strong, uncontrollable emotions that are stirred when discussing childlessness. Having those emotions on display in public can be both distressing and embarrassing for her, so please love and protect her by helping her to avoid such public outbursts.
In fact, if the only time you see and interact with this woman is in public places, there is a good chance you two might not have a close enough relationship for you to ask such a personal question in the first place. If this is the case, try getting to know her in other ways. When you see her at church, start asking her other friendly questions like, “How was your week? Where did you grow up? What do you like to do for fun?” As you get to know her better, maybe you two will start developing a friendship that leads to spending more time together outside of the usual church social setting. When she starts coming over to your house for a cup of coffee, that is an example of a setting when it would be appropriate to ask her about her childlessness.
And, when/if that time comes, please be ready to listen to her, cry with her, and pray for her. Your patient ear, supportive presence, and faith in God’s promises are the friendliest gifts you can give.
There is an eerie silence that surrounds the topic of barrenness in the church today. All of us are afraid to talk about it, and, in my humble opinion, it is because we have abandoned the use of “gift language” in the body of Christ.
Rarely do we talk about children as God defines them in the Bible, using His words of “heritage, fruit, blessing, reward.” Instead, we refer to children as the world does, adopting cultural phrases like “family planning, baby machine, reproduction, fertility science.” By our language alone, we suggest to each other that children are something to be planned for and controlled.
Blech.
This “control language” is a waste of breath in the church, because it isn’t true. It isn’t God’s language. It doesn’t come from His Word. It is something we humans have made up in an attempt to explain and define and harness that which remains mysterious and untamed. “Control language” falls short every time. Family planning? My family isn’t working out the way I planned. Baby machine? Mine didn’t come with a warranty, and I’m still trying to figure out the return policy on this thing. Reproduction? It’s procreation, dude. Fertility science? With a 33% success rate of implantation in IVF, even fertility’s most exact science can’t give me a baby 67% of the time.
That’s why you, Church, are afraid to talk to me. The world has given you faulty language that fails to deliver truth, comfort, or babies. Give me God’s “gift language” every time. Remind me that children are a heritage from the Lord, a gift from Him that is received. And when I get mad that God has not yet given me the gift of children, keep watch with me in my grief and use some more of God’s “gift language.” Tell me about the gift of salvation won for me by Christ on the cross and applied to me in my baptism. Tell me about the gift of God’s Word which creates and sustains my faith in Him. Tell me about the gift of Christ’s Body and Blood given to me at the altar every Sunday for my benefit. And when I still grieve at my childlessness, gently remind me that God gives other good gifts in this life (fellowship, recreation, music, food, education, etc.), not just the gift of children.
So, don’t be afraid. Come up and talk to me. Just, please, leave all of that “control language” out in the world where it belongs and, instead, talk to me about the good gifts we share in Christ. I will try to do the same for you.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I’m around barren couples. I have a healthy eight-month-old who I simply adore, and yet I find myself holding back that joy when I’m in the presence of the childless.
The truth is, three years ago I wondered if I might be barren, too. When I first met Katie, author of He Remembers The Barren, we both didn’t have any children. And we were both honest with each other about how that affected us. I was 29 at the time and two years into marriage. Not too old, but, by many physicians’ standards, losing ground fertility-wise.
Perhaps this is an affect of feminism (It couldn’t possibly be my personality, ha!), but in that season of my life I built up emotionally stoic walls to safeguard against self-pity. And I entrenched myself in my work. Sure, my husband and I wanted children, but if it wasn’t going to happen, then I focused on what was in front of me. After all, I was a deaconess. I had God’s Word in my back pocket (literally), and knew where to go to receive everything I truly needed, rather than wanted.
Then I suffered a miscarriage in 2009. Even though it was very early on (five weeks) and we trust God’s promises for that little one, it shook me only further to think that I might never hold a child of our own. So when I became pregnant again a year later, I kept that stiff upper lip. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Yet as each trimester passed successfully, the magnitude of motherhood began to sink in.
And then joy of all joys, Knox was born. As if making up for nine months (and perhaps years) of emotional avoidance, my whole being and demeanor bursted like a broken dam, as I embodied what I imagined Mary might have felt when she voiced the Magnificat. My soul doth magnify the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
To say I was overjoyed to hold this little person would be a vast understatement. Even now, my cup runneth over as I look at him.
So when I think about how to address this miracle and blessing with other women who cannot conceive, I hesitate. I mean, I don’t want to come off as insensitive to their thoughts and feelings while gushing about my own. But as dear Katie has encouraged and reminded me, it is important to express what a gift our children are to whomever we come into contact.
I am also reminded that the baptismal liturgy urges all Christians to support these little ones in the faith, to nurture and teach them what God says, and ultimately receive His gifts of Word and Sacrament together. This is the barren soul’s invitation to serve in a very important way, as Sponsor and/or fellow Christian.
So please, dear barren sister and brother, forgive those of us who hold back from discussing their children with you. Be patient with them as they get to know you. My guess is that this takes time–for both parties–to eventually feel comfortable speaking freely. Let us pray that God grants us healthy and open lines of communication, rooted in Christ’s love, to bless us all in our given vocations. This so we may rejoice together in His many, many gifts. In Jesus name, Amen.
God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. I can get on board with that. And yet, I haven’t been given several fruits of my womb, nor have they multiplied around my table. Are there other good gifts from God for me?
YES, dear friend, there are many good gifts for you! We can start by looking at Martin Luther’s meaning of the First Article of the Apostles’ Creed. I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my members, my reason and all my senses, and still takes care of them. He also gives me clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and home, wife and children, land, animals, and all I have. He richly and daily provides me with all that I need to support this body and life. He defends me against all danger and guards and protects me from all evil. All this He does only out of fatherly, divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness in me. For all this it is my duty to thank and praise, serve and obey Him. This is most certainly true. God gives you His love each and every day. He has designed you and created you. And while you don’t understand why you don’t have childlren, God still cares for you. He has given you a long list of earthly possessions and takes care of you on a daily basis. He has given us His very words in the Holy Scriptures.
God has given you more than earthly blessings, though. He has given you His Son. Look at Luther’s meaning of the Second Article of the Apostles’ Creed. I believe that Jesus Christ, true God, begotten of the Father from eternity, and also true man, born of the Virgin Mary, is my Lord. Who has redeemed me, a lost and condemned person, purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil; not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death, that I may be His own and live under Him in His kingdom and serve Him in everlasting righteousness, innocence, and blessedness, just as He is risen from the dead, lives and reigns to all eternity. This is most certainly true. Sin is every thought, word, and action which goes against God’s will. I have been been envious and angry at God regarding my barrenness. I have lashed out at God and tried to dictate to Him how my life should go. I have tried to be in control. There is no way I can make myself right with God once again. Thus, He gave His Son Jesus to be the sacrificial payment for all wrongdoing. I am forgiven! This all comes by God’s grace. It’s FREE – nothing we can do can merit God’s favor. All our righteous acts are now good because of Jesus. That’s quite a gift.
We receive even more gifts through the Holy Spirit. Examine Luther’s meaning of the Third Article of the Apostles’ Creed. I believe that I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ, my Lord, or come to Him; but the Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with His gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith. In the same way He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith. In this Christian church He daily and richly forgives all my sins and the sins of all believers. On the Last Day He will raise me and all the dead, and give eternal life to me and all believers in Christ. This is most certainly true. There is no way that I can receive full comfort for my barrenness unless I have faith in the Triune God, who truly knows me and cares for my entire being. By faith, I can say, with confidence, that God has given me all good gifts.
At times, it’s hard to remember that God gives such goodness. Go, dear sister, to your pastor and share with him your hurts. He will, in turn, share Christ’s good gifts with you. You receive Christ in Holy Baptism. You receive forgiveness of sins through Christ’s Body and Blood in the Lord’s Supper. You hear God’s promises for you in the words of Holy Scripture. You pastor will rejoice with you in your baptism and the promises of God. Our Lord Jesus Christ has only good gifts to give, and we are blessed to receive them.
Thank you to KFUO Radio and Roland Lettner for interviewing two of our site hosts on the “Studio A” program yesterday afternoon. We hope you’ll have a listen, too.
Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file. (Our interview begins at 29:10.)
Or, if you would like to learn more about KFUO Radio and the “Studio A” program, click here. (To listen to our interview from this link, click on the hour 2 MP3 file of the Wednesday, September 7th broadcast. Our interview starts at 29:10.)
I recently had the joy of spending a few days this summer in the home of my dear friend in South Dakota. From dawn ‘til dusk, my friend’s five, little blessings ran around in baseball caps and tutus (sometimes at the same time) alternately playing doctor, reading books, putting together puzzles, working in the garden, and “helping” Mommy. My friend’s home is delightful chaos, and I found myself basting in the youthful commotion until my barren-weariness was good and tenderized from all of the love and attention.
I stayed long enough to need a load of laundry done, and my friend generously offered me the use of her washer and dryer. I popped down to her basement with my laundry bag in hand, and I almost tripped over my own dropped jaw at the sight of her laundry room floor.
There, sitting in an organized row, were six, full laundry baskets. Six! Upon closer inspection, I noticed that some of the laundry baskets even had extra baskets stacked underneath them. I counted them all. Sixteen. My friend owns sixteen laundry baskets!
All of those blessings running around upstairs obviously came with some dirty, back-breaking responsibility. Their life of playing and growing and learning resulted in my friend needing more laundry baskets than I have fingers on my hands. The term “mountain of laundry” took on a whole new meaning for me. I looked down at my wimpy lavender and lime green polka-dotted laundry bag and felt kind of embarrassed at its meager size.
I went upstairs and asked my friend, “Do you ever use all of those laundry baskets at the same time?”
She blushed. “Yes. Don’t tease me!”
“Um, that doesn’t warrant teasing. That warrants a maid!”
Here is the difference: I yearn for more laundry, and my friend yearns for less. I crave a little more chaos, and she craves a little more privacy. We can see the blessings and the burdens in each others lives. What a gift it is to know and trust that God in His wisdom and love gives both of us good gifts, and what a privilege it is to pray for each other and support one another in the body of Christ.
I hope my friend can come visit me in Dallas. I think she will be refreshed by the quiet and solitude of my home, just as I was refreshed by the perpetual, snuggly motion in her own. Though I may leave my laundry room door closed when she comes…
Maybe you can relate. When I am grieving over my childlessness, I don’t want someone to explain away my grief. I also don’t want someone to offer practical solutions to my pain. I usually just want someone to listen.
When discussing this fact with my husband this afternoon, he drew my attention to the following excerpt on the importance of listening for the consolation of the brethren from Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together:
“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians…so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.
Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.
…There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person. This is no fulfillment of our obligation, and it is certain that here too our attitude toward our brother only reflects our relationship to God…But Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God.” *
Amen.
* (Bonhoeffer, Dietrich, Life Together. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc., 1954. pgs, 97-9.)
