Infertility

Insemination Contemplation

Question Submitted: I am overwhelmed with the options out there for couples dealing with infertility.  My husband and I are embarking on an IUI cycle this month which will include clomid, menopur, and hCG. I feel like there is a lack of information available regarding treatment options outside of IVF.  I know where my beliefs stand on this, but the other options are pretty fuzzy for me. I feel pretty confident in my decision since it will not involve selecting good/bad embryos, but I still wonder where that line is regarding going beyond God’s plans and trying to take matters into your own hands.

Fuzzy. I think that’s a key word in your question. You’re absolutely right about there being a lack of clarity within our Christian circles about fertility treatment options. I applaud you for seeing clearly that IVF is not an option and for loving your neighbor by avoiding this process. But what about the other methods? Aside from the herbal or pharmaceutical treatments that can be taken to simply help with ovulation, the other options really revolve around the donation of sperm and the injection of that sperm into the womb, otherwise known as insemination.

“I still wonder where that line is…” you confess. Don’t we all? My husband and I dealt with this, too, as you can read about in a previous post, How Close Can We Get? But here’s a quick summary: we don’t know for sure where that line is. The Bible, which gives us God’s Law-those clearly drawn lines that are unmistakable-does not discuss IUI’s or GIFT or Clomid. As with many other modern scientific possibilities, Christians have to use what the Bible does give us in order to help guide our ethical decisions. I really think the post just mentioned is the best answer to your broader question, but I will try and unpack some of the other specifics here.

There are a couple of aspects to consider when looking at insemination procedures.  First, there’s the fact that sperm needs to be collected. Second, conception would occur outside the act of intercourse. Both of these are a big deal and need to be taken seriously. The sperm collection topic will be addressed in a future post since there is so much to cover with that one (yes, the Bible does actually have something to say about this!). Let’s take a look at the second aspect.

The truth is, there just isn’t a unified opinion among conservative church bodies, including the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, about the necessity of intercourse for conception. The majority say that insemination, while done between a married couple, in no way violates their one-flesh union. They are using the broad definition, of course, that the union is the joining together of a man and a woman in a sexually faithful relationship for life. Narrowly speaking though, during insemination there is no physical union of fleshes at all. And it’s for that reason that the idea has always made me and my husband uncomfortable.

“You mean my husband and I don’t even have to touch each other and we can conceive a baby?” I remember thinking when we first looked into all those treatments. I had always thought the biblical references to our patriarchs “knowing” their spouses and then conceiving was so romantic. “Know” is such a great biblical word. It covers more than just the modern definition of sex, which so often occurs now between two people who have just met and don’t even know each other’s last names. I believed that “knowing” involved all those wonderful things that marriage should be: shared interests, shared faiths, shared experiences, a shared name, and shared bodies. This “knowing,” this union, was supposed to combine these two separate beings to produce another flesh, a child.

I realize that this romantic idea of my husband and I producing a miniature version of ourselves as a result of our physical love is probably never going to happen. But the desire to make that dream come true has never been strong enough to drive us to remove the physical aspect from the “knowing” of each other in order to achieve the end goal.

There isn’t a commandment about this. As I mentioned, most pastors would probably say that my conscience is over-active. But when you go against your conscience you are sinning, regardless of whether the action you are doing is, in fact, sinful. “I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean,” Romans 14:14, and “For whatever does not procede from faith is sin,” Romans 14:23. The study note in my Bible explains these verses further: “If one’s conscience is not clear before God regarding certain behaviors, one dare not engage in them,” (TLSB pg. 1938).

“I feel pretty confident in my decision…” A decision as big as this needs to be made without a nagging conscience and with the support of your pastor. If you aren’t able to get both of these, pray for strength to step back and re-evaluate your options. And if you’re not sure what to pray, just open your hymnal.

Oh, that the Lord would guide my ways,

To keep His statues still!

Oh, that my God would grant me grace

To know and do His will.

Order my footsteps by Thy Word

And make my heart sincere;

Let sin have no dominion, Lord,

But keep my conscience clear.

Lutheran Service Book, hymn 707, verses 1 & 2

Those Awkward Pauses

There’s a situation that happens every so often and there just isn’t any way to avoid it. You run into a friend from the past and then you begin exchanging the customary greetings and pleasantries. The all too predictable questioning begins.

“How are you?”

“Where are you living now?”

“Are you still working in the same job?”

“How’s (fill in husband’s name)?”

And then (here it comes) the question you dread. Not that you mind answering it, but it’s what follows that is so painful. It’s the pause, the hesitation, the uncertainty of the other person in how to respond to your answer.

“So, how many kids do you have now?”

Whether you say, “We don’t have any children,” or “We still have just the one,” the awkward pause, or more likely the surprised “Oh…” that the other person uses to fill in the awkward pause, is still very uncomfortable. You know your friend is scrambling to try and find something to say in response, but she and the others before her have rarely done it gracefully. And come on, can you really blame them? The art of conversation in every culture has certain rules to it and you’ve just broken one. You’ve thrown off the other player and now she doesn’t know what move to make next.

A similar awkwardness happens to each of us when we are shocked to find out that an old aquaintence lost a husband or child or has cancer. But when I hear this news I am absolutely certain what my attitude should be. I should express sympathy and share how sorry I am. This is always the right move. But the thing that is different about sharing your barrenness is that others are not sure whether the news you are giving them is supposed to be good or bad .

You see, your old friend has other friends who have chosen to be childless. They dreaded the thought of a painful labor, whiny kids, and sleepless nights. Their unburdened lifestyle is carefree and spontaneous. They seem to be very happy. And in a split second your old friend has to try and figure out if you are one of them, too. Should she try and admire your freedom or pity your fruitlessness? She doesn’t know what is expected of her. And so she freezes.

So what’s the answer to this dilema? Love your neighbor. Show her what her next move should be. Be prepared for this question at all times and give an answer that expresses both your level of comfort with the topic and also paves the way for the conversation to continue on safe ground.

Here are some possible responses you can make:

“We haven’t been given the gift of any children yet. We still pray for them. We’re looking into adoption right now, though, and that’s exciting. What about your kids? What are their ages now?”

“We haven’t been gifted with any children so far. We manage to keep pretty busy, though, with _______ and ______. What seems to take up most of your time these days?

“We still just have the one. He’s ____ now and is such a blessing to us. He loves ________ and ________. What have your kids been involved with lately?”

Whatever you do, don’t just throw out a statement and leave it hanging there, expecting her to continue the game without a fumble. Always end your answer with a question that shows sincere interest in her life. You’ll skip right over that awkward pause and at the same time be able to share the gifts God has given you now.

70% Cocoa

Karl Marx had it wrong. The opiate of the masses is not religion. It is chocolate.

I can usually tell when a grief cycle is ramping up, because I seem unable to deny myself the simple, happy pleasure of chocolate products. And cheeseburgers. And Chinese food. And, come to think of it, bing cherries, too. There must be something to things that start with “ch” that sing “Self-medicate!” to my grieving subconscious.

It is so much easier to eat than to cry.

The next time you see me sitting at a table with only “ch” foods in front of me, gently pull the fork out of my hand and replace it with a box of Kleenexes. I and my waistline will thank you.

Murder, She Wrote

I grew up about five miles from my Grandpa and Grandma Bridges. My parents sometimes let me spend the night at their house, even an occasional Sunday night. It didn’t matter that it was a school night, for my usual, country school bus route passed right by their farm. I could just as easily be picked up there the next morning.

I have fond memories of Sunday nights at my grandparents’ house, sitting on their orange, floral couch in my mother-made flannel nightgown with rags tied in my straight hair to make it look curly the next morning like my sisters’. I happily ate popcorn from a green tupperware bowl while my grandparents and I watched television. I couldn’t wait for the second hand on 60 Minutes‘s endlessly ticking stopwatch to reach the number 12 so that I could finally live another vicarious hour of adventure through Jessica Fletcher in Murder, She Wrote.

Oh, how I loved to watch Mrs. Fletcher solve mysteries! Imagine being a professional writer, taking train rides to New York to meet with a publisher, drinking coffee and tea in fancy hotels, and interacting with such glamorous, interesting people, all the while figuring out it was the son of the Broadway star “who done it.”

Thanks to Netflix, I’ve reunited with Mrs. Fletcher once again. As we’ve been visiting, I’ve discovered that my youthful vision missed a few key facts about my favorite, classy sleuth. For one, in the memorable opening credits sequence in which she is typing away at another mystery, Mrs. Fletcher is wearing a wedding ring. I hadn’t remembered that she was a widow.

The biggest surprise for me, though, came in Episode 4 of Season 1. One afternoon, a mysterious stranger sits at Mrs. Fletcher’s table in Cabot Cove, Maine and asks her a simple question: “You have children?”

Mrs. Fletcher answers, “Oh, no, no. Frank and I were never blessed that way.”

I definitely hadn’t remembered that Jessica Fletcher was barren and a gift-language-wielding barren woman at that!

Thank you, Mrs. Fletcher. You get even better with age.

Her Hands Are Full

Snake’s alive! This world sure is a Debbie Downer when it comes to kids.

I have a friend who is expecting Baby # __ (insert any numeric value over the culturally acceptable number of two), and almost anyone and everyone I tell about Baby’s pending birth says of my friend: “Wow. She has her hands full!”

Not, “Congratulations!” or “Wonderful!” or “How exciting!” or “Praise God for His good gift!” but a pair of raised eyebrows and strained words of judgment.

Is it really such a strange thing to us in the Church that a married couple should welcome more than two children into their family as gifts from God? For, you see, that is what children are to us. They are gifts. We know this to be true, because that is what God tells us in His Word. Children are a heritage from Him, and the couple who has them is blessed. (Psalm 127)

Sure, children may be work. They may require us to give up our annual trek to Sonoma or to forgo buying a new dress every Easter or to miss sleeping for an entire year, but that does not change the truth in God’s Word that children are a sign of His favor. And God’s Word doesn’t differentiate. Baby #8 is just as much of a blessing and a gift as Baby #1. We are so selfish when we think that it is our love and desire that make a child valuable, as if our own wanting or not wanting should determine the goodness of God’s gifts. It is God’s love that gives any of us value, including the children He wants to give to us.

So, whenever someone gives me a “Wow, she has her hands full!” in response to my friend’s blessed state, I usually have to manhandle my eyeballs to keep them from rolling and squeeze my lips shut to keep a sigh of exasperation from escaping. Once my body parts are properly submissive, I try to smile brightly and confess boldly, “Yes, her hands are full of blessings from God!”

Either children are a blessing, or they aren’t. Either God’s Word is true, or it isn’t. Which one is it?

If you don’t know, ask a barren woman.

Celebration

I have this friend. She is crazy talented and super smart. She teaches world music, composes trombone octets, circular breathes into her flute, and, when she’s not busy traipsing around the globe to play international recitals, she hangs out with lowly, Lupron-riddled me.

She asked me about a month ago, “Hey, aren’t you nearing the end of your shots? When’s your last one?”

I blubbered something about it being the last Friday morning in June.

She looked my needle-weary self in the eye and said, “I’m coming with you.”

And, she did. This morning, my busy friend braved the Dallas traffic to meet me at the hospital at 8:00 o’clock sharp. She walked me into the exam room, cheered me through an inconvenient hot flash, winced in sympathy at the giant needle, hugged me through an emotional wave of relief in the parking lot, and, when it was all over, sat on a balcony with me at my favorite restaurant to share a cup of coffee and a chocolate muffin.

Do you want to know the best part? On our way out the door, I got a quick peek at my friend’s day schedule. The whole morning had been blocked out with the words, “Celebration with Katie.”

I don’t know if I could have felt more loved or better understood than I did in that moment.

So, if you are wondering what to do to help a barren friend through a difficult time, take a cue from Lisa: add a little more celebration to her life.

“Oh, Thou of Little Faith”

Question Submitted: I have been with my husband for 10 years now. To be honest we never used any type of sexual protection. I’ve been pregnant one time, very shortly, maybe for two weeks, and then I had a miscarriage. In 2009, and every year after, I have received prophetic words all from individuals who do not know that I was diagnosed with endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and an anteverted uterus. By faith I believe and speak that I am blessed through Christ Jesus. Therefore, I say I no longer have those diagnoses. Now, all have said the same thing, “The Lord is going to bless you and your husband with a child.” I believe it, have fasted and prayed and sought on the Lord concerning this. And, to God be the glory, He has given us revelation on the details of His will. He revealed that we are having a little girl and has even gave us a name. I have even seen what she will look like. Therefore, what is the issue?

What do you do when you get discouraged?

Growing up I didn’t desire to be a wife or mother, and then suddenly in 2008 the desire came along with all of the negative doctor reports. I know the desire to be a wife and mother is pleasing to my Lord and is from God, because, like never before, I have this wonderful & overwhelming desire to be a mother and to raise our children in holiness. Yet, discouragement creeps in, and this past week it came on hard. Insert a scene in which my husband is standing with a look of sheer helplessness as I stood in front of him crying, heaving, snot-nosed, shaking, emotional, with incomprehensible words spilling from my mouth. The only audible thing he heard was, “No one knows that even while I am up there leading praise and worship, I just want to cry, fall to my knees and cry, yet I don’t because I know my position requires me to minister to another at that moment…but it…(crying)…hurts…(crying)…sooo…oooh..oh.ooh(crying) bad…”

It was (to say the least) a moment that I know many who are waiting on the Lord to bless them have experienced from time to time. Yet sadly, I felt bad and called myself pathetic for not having faith and for allowing emotions to get the best of me. God had given me my visions of His will, therefore I should not be discouraged, right?

“oh thou of little faith..”

I said all this to ask: What do you do when you have done all that you know to do and are at a point where you feel so helpless that you are in a state of despair and close to giving up on the hope of having a child? I know that God is able and will bless, but how do you overcome the moments of impatience?

My dear sister in Christ, you are not of little faith. You are simply tired and worn out from bearing the weight of your cross of barrenness. It is exhausting to want something you haven’t been given, and it is even more taxing to put your trust in prophecies that have not yet come true. You are weary, my sister, not faithless.

Perhaps, some of your weariness comes from the task of discerning whether or not those prophecies and visions came from man or from God or from both? Perhaps your doubt is not in God but in whether or not the promise of motherhood is really from Him? I am not in a position to confirm whether or not those prophecies and visions concerning your own family life came from God, but I can tell you with assurance that God is not the only one who makes such prophecies and gives such visions. The devil, false prophets, and our sinful flesh are also eager to chime in with their own voices when it comes to the things we hear with our ears, see with our eyes, and feel in our hearts.

So, in what can we put our trust? We can put our trust and faith in the Word of God in Holy Scripture. That is the one, safe place where we can be certain that it is God’s voice we are hearing, not the devil’s. It is in His Word that God has most definitely revealed His will to you and your husband regarding what He has planned for your life, and you can put your faith in that even unto eternal life.

Here is the hard truth that comes from God’s Word: Outside of giving you the Child Jesus to save you from your sin, God has never promised in His Word to give you a child of your own.

Yet, God promises you so much more in His Word, and – Joy of all joys! – He keeps His promises. God promises to love you (John 3:16, Romans 5:8); God promises to save you from your sin (Matthew 1:20-21, Mark 16:16, Romans 6); God promises in baptism to adopt you into His family and make you an heir of heaven (Galatians 3:26-4:7); God promises to never leave you but to faithfully come to you in church through the reading of His Word and in the Holy Supper (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 18:20, Exodus 20:24b, John 1:1, Matthew 26:26-29); God promises to provide all that you need to support this body and life (Matthew 6:30-32 and 10: 29-31, Colossians 1:17); and God promises to work all things, even your barrenness, for your eternal good (Romans 8:28).

You have asked me the question, what do I do when I have done all that I know to do and am at a point where I feel so helpless that I am in a state of despair and close to giving up on the hope of a child? I CRY, all snot-nosed and heaving like you described above, trusting in God’s promise to wipe away every tear on the last day; I CEASE putting my hope in things which God has not promised to me in His Word; I CLING in faith to the promises God has given me in His Word, namely, His promises to love me, save me, and never leave nor forsake me; I WAIT on Him in prayer, trusting that whatever He brings my way is for my eternal good; I SEEK first His kingdom and His righteousness, believing that God’s grace is sufficient for even childless, barren, little me; and, I REST in the knowledge that God loves me and cares for me in Jesus, even when I fail to do the things I just listed.

You are loved by God in Jesus, dear sister, just as you are, with or without a child. We don’t always get the things we want in this life, but we do get the things we need. God promises that for us in His Word, and you can trust that promise to come true.

Comforting or Being Comforted

Many moons ago a friend inquired if I’d heard anything more regarding our adoption. I told her that we had no idea when or if a referral was coming. At that point, the tears started to flow for both of us. She told me that we were in her prayers, and I began weeping a bit more visibly. She continued and stated that she KNEW that there was a child for us. At that point, I had to turn the faucet off. I had to switch from being the “comforted” to being the “comforter.” I found myself reminding her that I have been given countless blessings already. I told her that our family size might already be complete and that I might need to learn to be content with that. She found herself agreeing with me and acknowledging that, yes, she’d heard me say that on previous occasions.

A small request: Please don’t make me comfort you when you are trying to comfort me. It’s difficult, and it feels a bit awkward.

True comfort comes from not having to filter what’s being said when you talk with me regarding my barrenness. I feel like I can actually let my guard down when a good friend carries the load with me and lets me grieve and mourn and be sad…and understands what all that entails for the life of a Christian.

So You Wanna Complain?

There’s a psalm for that. Yes, you can complain to God about your situation. This world is full of injustices, and barrenness is one of them. God is fully aware of our childless home; He knows the desires of our hearts. Thus, He invites us to bring our sorrows and hurts to Him. When we complain to God, we give evidence to our faith, that we know God is gracious and merciful to hear us and has the power to help us.

Even more, God tells us HOW to complain. There are psalms of lament in the book of Psalms. These psalms show us that it is good and right to complain to our heavenly Father. The very words to use in our complaints are given to us by God Himself.

So what’s in a psalm of lament?  1) a complaint to God about what has gone wrong and God’s failure to help  2) a plea to God for help  3) a confession of faith in God’s goodness  4) a promise of praise for God’s help

Psalm 13 demonstrates all four of these components.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

A psalm of lament gives voice to our sorrows and shows us how to complain. When our lives don’t go as planned, we hurt. It seems as if God has abandoned us, and that makes us angry. This is where Satan enters. He seeks to skew our vision and desires to turn us away from God. Instead, we run with those hurts and angers to Jesus. We unload it on Him, for He alone can take our anger and heal our hurts. Thus, God uses our anger to teach us to rely on Him for all of our needs, both of body and soul.

Share your feelings of sorrow, hurt, and anger with your pastor. Go to him; he is God’s man for you in your time of need. Your pastor will help you complain to God (He can give you a whole list of lament psalms) and will also comfort you with words of God’s grace and mercy.

So go ahead and complain. God wants to hear from you. In fact, He has given you the best words to use – His own.

Suffering

God Himself causes our suffering.  He is not the cause of sin, mind you, but He is the cause of our suffering.  [p.32]  Those are the words of Dr. Gregory Schulz  in his book The Problem of Suffering: A Father’s Hope.

As I read Dr. Schulz’s book, I began to think he had a window to my heart.  As he shared the struggles of pain and suffering surrounding the death of two of his children, he asked why these things could happen.  I asked that same question surrounding my barrenness.  He wrote based on his experiences as a father and a husband.  He asked why suffering happens.  He questioned suffering in the world.  I asked those very same things.  Dr. Schulz pointed me to Jesus, the only relief from suffering.

We experience death, pain, sorrow, and grief. How can suffering come from God?  Suffering is real.  Suffering hurts.  Suffering drives us to our knees.  Suffering demonstrates to us that we are mortal.  We cannot cure every disease.  We cannot prevent death.  We cannot administer the drug that takes away aches and pains.

No, our only relief lies in Jesus Christ.  He took all of our sin sicknesses and sufferings and ingested them into Himself on the cross – for us.  We are made holy in our baptisms.  Once baptized, though, we are signed up for a lifetime of suffering.

There is great temptation to say that our suffering will come to a fairy-tale ending in this world.  On the contrary, in this world we will have pain and sorrow.  It would be foolish to insist that our suffering is going to have a glorious finish.  This is a sinful world, and while we dwell in it, we will not be safe from sin.  When the body and soul of the believer in Christ are united with Jesus, THEN all suffering will end.  This is why we pray in the Lord’s Prayer, “But deliver us from evil.”  True relief is peace in Christ.

In this world, we will experience disappointment, heartache, death, miscarriage, and so much more.  Take heart, dear sisters and brothers in Christ, you are not alone.  Dr. Schulz writes: “…even the Gospel doesn’t give us absolute rest as long as we are away from home in this vale of tears.  It can and does bring us the Good News of Jesus, the rest for our souls, but we still experience anger and anxiety.” [p.124]  He continues: “My joy is not complete.  It cannot be, until God grants us all a blessed reunion in heaven.” [p.125]  God does not abandon you.  He loves you, and He understands your suffering.

I commend this book to you.  Grieve with Dr. Schulz.  Live under the cross of Jesus until He takes you to Himself, where all suffering ends.