In the Courts of the Lord’s House

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. Ps. 84:1-2

There is no better place to go when you are at the breaking point, no place more suited to address your emotional wounds and your breaking heart, than the House of the Lord. I don’t just mean the building itself, of course, but the Divine Service that is held there weekly by the man who is in the stead of Christ and commanded by Him to administer to you the medicine you need. The cleansing, healing, and nourishing effects of what happens each Sunday to those gathered in the Lord’s House are supernatural and, though invisible to the naked eye, completely transforming to the soul.

In They Will See His Face (St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2002), Richard C. Eyer highlights seven parts of the liturgy that speak to the frailty of our human existence and are particularly meaningful for the barren woman. The consistent and dependable flow of liturgical worship weaves Scripture throughout and includes all the promises that seem to be forgotten throughout the week. Our souls, so weak and weary from the crosses we carry and so easily distracted by worldly pursuits, have the opportunity to refocus on Him who is the true source of all help, comfort and joy—Jesus Christ.

At the beginning of the service we have the opportunity to confess those sins that always accompany the soul that feels deprived of something. There’s discontent, jealousy, impatience, even idolatry at times. Guided by the words written in our hymnals we admit that, “We have not loved You with our whole heart,” and we plead with the Lord to, “Forgive us, renew us and lead us, so that we may delight in Your will and walk in Your ways, to the glory of Your holy name.” That’s right, the sinner remembers, through Christ’s renewal and His guidance, I can find delight in His will, whatever that may turn out to be.

Having confessed our sins and then receiving absolution from our pastor, we seek to enter into God’s presence with what Eyer refers to as the “password,” the Invocation, where we speak the name that was spoken to us on the day of our baptisms, when we were brought into God’s family: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of Holy Spirit. “It is there,” says Eyer, “in the presence of God and lifted out of ourselves by God, that we find healing for all our anxieties, worries, and fears. And if we are willing, they can all be left behind so that we may return to our homes in peace” (p. 35). In God’s presence, under the shadow of His name, there is no need for those anxieties, worries, or fears. They are washed away once again.

The experience of barrenness can be so isolating and can cause one to feel separated from others who might not understand the depths of your pain. A harmful gap can occur between you and those around you who have experienced such effortless fertility. It is in the fellowship of our brothers and sisters in Christ, coming into the presence of God and joining together throughout the service in prayer and song that this gap is bridged and our focus becomes united. “Loneliness cries out for the solitude that comes from a maturing faith. Solitude is found in fellowship with God and the worshiping community, where we are fed the Gospel in Word and Sacraments by God Himself” (p. 46).

Depression is also one of many responses to barrenness, and Eyer helps us see how vital it is that those dealing with depression listen carefully to the Word that is read during the service. “The Old Testament, the Epistle, and the Gospel assure us that in the midst of our difficulties, disappointments, and depression, God is there to do what we cannot. … The importance of hearing the Word of God in times of depression, as well as any other, is that it provides a vision of what is objectively true regardless of how we feel at the moment. We need to hear the Word of hope even if we don’t feel it at the moment. God’s Word to the believer is always a Word of hope” (pg. 70). As opposed to what some well-meaning matron of the congregation might tell you, this “hope” that we trust in is not the hope of conceiving—it’s so much bigger than that. It is the hope that the One already conceived long ago by the Holy Spirit, our Lord Jesus Christ, will make all things new for us after we breathe our last breath on this earth. No more tears, no more longing, no more wishing for something that is not ours—only the acquisition of that heavenly reward which we do not deserve.

I encourage you to read Eyer’s book and learn more about “The Peace of the Lord and the Healing of Grief,” “The Prayers of the Church and Healing of our Sickness,” and “The Creed and the Healing of our Intellect.” So much more comfort and encouragement awaits the barren woman in these pages. She who understands what is truly offered in the Divine Service will cherish the relief that it brings and will be better able to acknowledge Christ as the only One who fully satisfies our wounded hearts and makes us whole again.

I come, oh Savior, to Thy table

For weak and weary is my soul.

Thou Bread of Life alone art able

To satisfy and make me whole.

Lord, may Thy body and Thy blood

Be for my soul the highest good.

                Lutheran Service Book #618

A Baby in My Tummy

“Do you have a baby in your tummy?”

Almost every child in my life has asked me this question at some time or another. Most recently, my four-year-old niece turned around on my lap one afternoon, wrinkled her nose up at me, and asked, “Where are your children?”

It never offends me when children ask me this. Honestly, it kind of comforts me. They get it. They understand that something is askew. They can sense that I, a grown-up, married woman, should have kids. It is almost as if their inquisitive eyes (or, my niece’s nose for that matter) are saying, “What’s up with that?”

I believe an honest question deserves an honest answer.

I shrugged at my niece. “God has not given me any children. I pray that He will, but He knows what is best for me and Uncle Michael.”

My niece thought about it for a moment, nodded her head, and turned back to her previous activity. Of course. No drama. No pity. It is what it is.

I think we can learn a lot from children.

The IVF Question

Well, it’s time. You knew this would come up sooner or later. It’s just something that can’t be avoided when discussing infertility in the 21st century. Maybe you’re considering the procedure yourself with the encouragement of your physician, family and friends. Maybe you’re tired of hearing about other couples who have successfully conceived by means of IVF while you and your spouse have decided that it’s not an option. Either way, this post is for you.

It wouldn’t be appropriate to dive into this sticky subject without making sure that we define what we’re talking about (courtesy of the Word English Dictionary):

IVF=A technique enabling some women who are unable to conceive to bear children. Egg cells removed from a woman’s ovary are fertilized by sperm in vitro; some of the resulting fertilized egg cells are incubated until the blastocyst stage, which are then implanted into her uterus.

 Merriam-Webster defines it similarly. These definitions are medical definitions using medical terminology. What would it look like if we used non-medical English and a biblical understanding of the life process?

IVF=A technique enabling some women who are unable to conceive to bear children. Egg cells surgically removed from a woman’s ovary are fertilized by sperm in a glass dish; some of the tiny human beings who are conceived are kept [in a laboratory] under the proper conditions for development until these children have grown a bit stronger, and they are then implanted into her uterus.

 After reading this through again, there is one word that should be jumping out at you as the most important word of all. Did you catch it? Some. It’s so small you almost don’t realize it’s of any significance and yet it changes everything. Some of the tiny humans have a chance at life and therefore some do not. What is implied but not explained is the fact that some of the tiny humans are not needed. They are of no value to the new parents and are therefore destroyed or frozen. If we believe that human life begins at conception, then it’s clear that IVF, as defined here, makes some tiny human lives and then destroys or freezes many of those human beings. That is the main problem.

We know the Bible speaks to this point. The Fifth Commandment, “You shall not murder,” applies to life at all ages and stages. Martin Luther’s explanation to this commandment makes it clear that we have broken this law whenever we employ any procedure that hurts or harms our neighbor in his body and fails to help and support him in every physical need.  Christians believe, and now science has acknowledged, that life begins at conception, whether in the womb or in a dish. And all life is precious and worthy of our compassion and protection.

Though difficult to admit, the couple who emerges from a “successful” IVF procedure does so as the parents of both living and dead (or frozen) children. There’s much rejoicing and congratulations exchanged, but no acknowledgement of what’s been lost. Is it ignorance? Or is it apathy? In both cases we have to admit that it is sin. There’s no getting around it.

At this point, let me remind you of the life-changing words from the apostle John: “If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God, who is faithful and just will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrightousness” (1 John 1:8-9). Yes, that means you, too, who are sitting there perhaps without the burden of IVF in your past but plenty of self-rightousness, jealousy, and distrust in your heart to even out the scales. The call to repentance and the promise of forgiveness is yours as well. Christ’s payment for sin was necessary not just for some, but for all. Humility before God and the desire to live and walk under His law in all things prepares the heart to receive the cleansing blood of Christ and the joyous proclamation of forgiveness in the Gospel, both preached and applied individually. Repent, confess, receive, and then put the past behind you. Believe our Lord when He says, “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins” (Isaiah 43:25).

So then, how are we to view the children who survive the IVF procedure and come to full-term, knowing that they were conceived in sin? My friend Katie has the answer: “We can know with certainty that all children are exactly what God tells us they are in His Word: a heritage from Him.  Whatever controversies surround in vitro fertilization, the children that are conceived and born to us through such procedures are still a heritage from the Lord.  God’s love is what makes any and every child valuable in this life, not the means of parentage.”

Here’s a similar example: Many children adopted into Christian families were conceived outside of marriage. This behavior is not part of God’s plan for procreation. And yet the result of that act is a precious child of God, baptized into His name and living a life under His care and protection, graciously placed within a Christian family. God takes an evil situation and turns it into good, as He has done repeatedly throughout history.

Despite the fact that I desperately want more children, I still could never condone or encourage anyone to engage in immoral behavior that would result in conception, birth, and a potential adoption for me or any other woman. Likewise, we can treasure and be thankful for those children who came to us through IVF, even though the process was not at all how God intended to create families, and even though we hope and pray that others will avoid IVF.

Does Jesus love the children conceived through IVF? He most certainly does. In fact, He’s on their side. He says, “As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me” (Matt. 25:40). But Jesus says this not only about the IVF children who survive, but also about those who are intentionally allowed to die or are frozen. “As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to Me.” Since life begins at conception, let us never think that IVF, as defined above, is a permissible option for Christians.

For more information on this topic, please check out the following resources:

http://issuesetc.org/archives/nov08/nov19.html (Dr. Kevin Voss of the Concordia Bioethics Institute on Issues, Etc.)

In Vitro Fertilization: Moral or Immoral?

What Are We to Do with the Embryos?

A Review of Reproductive Technologies

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family.  The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family.  My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption.  Thus began the flood of questions:  Domestic or international?  How do we find a Christian, reputable agency?  How expensive is the process?  Do we have a gender preference?  Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt?  What about special needs children?  How long will this take?  Will an adoption actually happen for us?  How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents?  Is this the right decision?  Are we giving up on biological children too quickly?  Is there something else we should consider first?  Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more.  We prayed and talked a lot.  It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us.  Some of my thoughts went like this:  To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children.   I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child.  I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation.  If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path.  In hindsight, that was so misguided.  I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children.  God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions.  It’s very natural to have questions.  And doubts.  Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you.  He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing.  God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death.  If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry.  And so we can take that hurt to Him.  He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did.  We prayed and prayed.  My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision.  If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt.  After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork.  Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork.  We still question our decision to adopt.  We wonder if we should be doing something else.  Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs.  He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens.  He has blessed me with a wonderful church family.  I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one.  For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process.  May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow.  For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations.  God loves you always.  And you never have to question that.

Adoption Guilt

Question Submitted: I had been feeling alone in my guilt over my lack of drive to get into the adoption process now that it has been 6 years since my husband and I started trying to have children, with no success. I realize now that I am not alone in my guilt over what I feel is selfishness. The other day a woman who, along with her husband, are in the same boat as us, said the exact thing to me that I have been thinking, “I feel selfish for not adopting.” I told her that we would need forgiveness no matter what decision we make for our situations. Maybe we are not meant to adopt, and THAT would be the wrong decision. Either way, we pray for forgiveness and know that we have that forgiveness in Christ. I say this, and I know this, but I don’t always REMEMBER this. Have you heard from others talk of guilt over not diving head first into the adoption process? Are others paralyzed with fear over it as I am, or not motivated to adopt, as I may also be?

You and me both, sister.

I feel all kinds of guilt: guilt for having a womb that bears no fruit, guilt for not making my husband a father, guilt for not making my parents grandparents, guilt for not having a family that looks like that of my friends, guilt for not being worthy to receive a red carnation on Mother’s Day, and the list goes on and on.

I have earned the rank of Eagle Scout in guilt.

So, let me take a shot at defining the guilt and tension you might be feeling surrounding the question of whether or not to adopt: You know from God’s Word that He wills for us in marriage to be fruitful and to multiply (Genesis 1:27-8). You know that children are the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between a husband and wife (Psalm 127:3). And, you also know that, for whatever reason, you and your husband have been unable to procreate. So, what now? Is having children a law from God you must obey?* Are you obligated to find an alternative method of having and raising children? Do you need to adopt a child to please God?

No.

Adoption is not intrinsic in God’s design of procreation. Adoption is a matter of free will. When a husband and wife are unable to conceive in the one-flesh union, God does not require them by law to adopt children into their family. If a husband and wife decide they would like to adopt, that is great. If a husband and wife decide they would not like to adopt, then that is great, too.

I think a big source of our guilt surrounding the question of adoption stems from the conviction that, in Christ, we are to serve our neighbor. God’s Word even compels us to care specifically for the needs of widows and orphans. However, adoption is not the only way to care for those needs. In other words, we do not need to adopt our neighbor in order to serve him. There are many ways to serve, even mother, our neighbor without signing legal paperwork in front of a judge. We can faithfully pray for the children in our church. We can help a single mother (or pastor’s wife!) wrangle her children in the pew week after week. We can serve as godmothers to precious saints. We can bake cookies for Vacation Bible School and make baptismal banners for our brothers and sisters in Christ. We can teach Sunday school and lead the children’s choir. We can attend the local ballgames and cheer on our favorite little people. We can babysit the children of our friends for free on a Friday night so that they can have a much-needed date night. We can buy Christmas presents for underprivileged children. We can write a check to financially support a seminarian’s family. (You and I could spend all day brainstorming ideas.) Think about your specific talents and gifts. How can you use those gifts to serve your neighbor?

Another source of guilt surrounding the question of adoption can come from wanting to please others. How many times have you confided in a friend, family member, or acquaintance that you are barren only to be immediately told, “You should adopt”? Suddenly, you feel like you are supposed to adopt simply because the world thinks you should. Yet, the fullness of our quivers has never been determined by the expectations of others. Children are a heritage from the Lord, gifts to be given and determined by Him, not by your circle of friends. In fact, children are still a heritage from the Lord, whether those children are birthed or adopted. Even if you choose to adopt a child, even if you begin the paperwork and make it through the home study, you will still only be given (or not given) a child according to our Lord’s perfect will and in His perfect time. [Kristi and Rebecca have both written eloquently about this in their respective posts, More Paperwork and Thy Will Be Done…(but what is it?).]

It helps me in those moments of societal pressure to remember that most of those well-meaning people simply want to see me happy, and adoption – to them – seems like the easiest and simplest way of making me a mother in my barrenness.

Now, about that guilt. What are you to do with it? Pastor Schuermann wants me to tell you this:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.” Psalm 103: 10-14

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Adoption is a good thing. The reality is that there are plenty of children who need parents to love them and bring them up in the Faith. Yet, not everyone is called to be parents through adoption, just as not everyone (because of barrenness) is called to be parents through conception. If you and your husband come to the conclusion that adoption is not the right path for your family, then let go of your guilt and pray that God would provide parents for all children in need. Then, go out and serve your neighbor in all peace, joy, and in the full knowledge that Christ has perfectly served you on the cross.

* This is not dismissing the reality of procreation as a part of marriage. Avoidance of procreation in marriage raises other issues that are outside of this discussion.

Letter from Judy

I recently received the following letter in response to the article “Why Am I Barren?” published in The Lutheran Witness. While the letter is addressed specifically to me, I believe this letter really applies to all of us who bear the cross of barrenness. For this reason (and with Judy’s permission), I reprint the letter here for all of you:

Dear Katie,

Oh, how I wept for you as I read your article in the Witness.  No, I can’t say I share your cross for the Lord truly blessed me with fertility. I am a mother, 72 years old, with six sons, ages 54, 51, 50, 47 and twins 44. All I ever wanted to be was a mother, but I also thought I could decide when it would happen.  

Marrying young, Mark was born one year after our wedding. Three years later I was happy to be pregnant and give birth to my second son, but thirteen months later, at God’s will, not mine, the next son was born. I was upset, always fearing what people would say. But this one was so easy and so good, how could I not be happy? Having wanted four children, I was determined not to again get pregnant, and, after Scott was born, I was confident I had my family. God does have a sense of humor, however, and much to my dismay, I discovered I was pregnant again. This was at the beginning of the ‘pill’ which I refused to use and long before ultrasounds, so, when I went full term and looked like an elephant, I suffered a good case of hysteria following the birth of the first baby and learning from the doctor that there was another one ‘in there.’  The doctor had convinced me that my size was due to the possibility of having a ten-pound girl. However, I wouldn’t trade any of my sons for a girl, and I have thanked God for the sons he gave me.    

You raise the question, “Is barrenness a cross or a blessing?” I might phrase the question, “Is having a large family a cross or a blessing?” As I see it, it is all in the eyes of the beholder and their faith in a loving Heavenly Father whose will is not always our will. Whether or not you will ever be a mother, I do not know, but I pray that you will fill this void in whatever way the Lord gives you. I was given this opportunity and thank God for it and even went so far as to have six foster children and three children with us who were in intensive therapy. I also gave child care to a handicapped boy and later his little sister and just recently spent two years as a volunteer to children in the 3rd, 4th and 5th grades at a Lutheran school. This was very rewarding to me, and I believe I was helpful to these children in supporting them in their education.

You probably wonder why a woman would respond to your question who cannot relate to your situation. I really don’t know why I am, except for the fact I truly sympathize with you. May our Lord and Savior strengthen you as you continue to struggle with this question.

Love in Christ,

Judy

Judy, you can and do relate to me. You know what it is like to have no control over the number of children God gives to you. The fruit of our wombs is markedly different, but our faith is the same. Thank you for sharing in my suffering, and thank you for responding in faith to God’s gift of children to you, trusting that His will is good even when it is different from your own.

Sisters, we are mistaken if we think we alone suffer just because we want what has not been given to us, for there are many women who struggle because they have been given what they do not want.

We know without a doubt from God’s Word that children are a gift from Him (Psalm 127:3-5), but that does not mean these gifts are easy or even always welcome. Women who are disappointed to find themselves pregnant year after year often experience the same temptation we do of wanting in some way to “control” the giving of God’s precious gifts. It is in faith that we trust, in spite of our own personal desires, that God will give (or not give) children to us according to His perfect will. It is in faith that we receive (or do not receive) what He has to give. It is in faith that we trust His giving and His not-giving to be for our eternal good (Romans 8:28). And, it is in faith that we pray with joy, even while we strain under the cross’s weight, “Thy will be done.”

May God grant us faith, like Judy’s, which trusts in His Word, regardless of the cross we bear!

Why We Suffer

The Israelites are finally rescued from Egyptian oppression by their God, led out of Egypt and heading towards the promised land where the living will be easy. But then they run into some rather unpleasant circumstances. The supply of food runs out, there’s no water, and they’re getting impatient. This trip isn’t what they expected, nor is this how they foresaw their prayers being answered. This God isn’t who they thought He was.

The Jews in Jerusalem witness the triumphant entry of the man who they know has come to deliver them from Roman tyranny. He has exhibited his power over sickness and demons. He has put scribes and pharasees in their place. He zealously wielded a whip around the temple courtyard, driving out the money changers. He seems invincible—that is until word gets out that he was arrested. The sight of him being dragged around in chains and his unwillingness to speak up for himself when accused is simply pathetic. A true savior would never take this kind of treatment. This man isn’t who they thought he was.

The barren woman experiences the same realizations that these biblical figures did. We have the same initial expectations. “God is a gracious God and He has promised to rescue me in times of trouble, so here I am, hand outstretched for the life preserver. I’m ready Lord … any day now … I know You’re coming. Hello? Can you hear me?” And yet the Rescuer does not arrive. This isn’t the kind of treatment we expected from our God.

If there’s one thing that suffering teaches a person it is this: God is not who you thought He was. I don’t care if you were baptized the moment you emerged from the womb and intensely indoctrinated in the Holy Scriptures, the Small Catechism, and the Augsburg Confession from kindergarten on, there is simply no better teaching tool about who God is than personal suffering. Our Lutheran fathers in the faith called this teaching the “Theology of the Cross.”  It is the realization that the Christian life will include various sufferings and we will each, at some point in our lives, carry crosses of our own, though some bigger than others.

By our very natures we seek to live lives according to the opposite teaching, the  “Theology of Glory,” where we only experience God’s glorious blessings, peace, and harmony each and every day, shunning any experience that might require some pain, patience, or self-denial. The desire for the “good life” is not evil by any means, but the rejection and avoidance of the Father’s loving discipline is a rejection of God Himself and all that He has planned for us.

In my recent search for the meaning behind the trials and tribulations God sends to His children, my scholarly husband pointed me to Divine Providence and Human Suffering by James Walsh, S.J., and P.G. Walsh (published by Spring Arbor Distributors). This is a collection of essays by our fathers in the faith which address numerous topics related to suffering. I was particularly drawn to the essay called The Twelve Advantages of Tribulations by Peter of Blois, a pastor from the 12th century. I want to share with you a summary of his comments and some thought-provoking quotes from the essay.

1. Through tribulation God seeks to deliver our souls from our enemies, which include “false joys and deceitful prosperity in this world.” It also “prunes our hearts to rid it of superfluous love for earthly goods so we might bear spiritual fruit” (p. 144).

2. Tribulation refines and strengthens our hearts, just as a sword is cleaned and filed in order to stay sharp. “[I]n the same way the human heart, without being exercised by tribulation, gathers rust” (p. 146).

3. Tribulation drives us to confession, so that we can properly see ourselves and our miserable state and understand our desperate need for a Savior (p. 148).

4. Tribulation causes your prayers to be heard by God: “The Lord will listen to the entreaty of the wounded” (Eccl 35:16). In times of good fortune we can get lazy in our worship. God often causes suffering so that, unlike this, our suffering will force us to call upon Him (p. 159).

5. Tribulation is evidence of God’s love for you, as stated in Rev. 3:19: “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” Blois says, “So if you wish to be loved by God, dear soul, do not reject the tribulations which reveal to you the proof of divine love. … [E]ndure your tribulation now with Christ, so that you may in the end win a crown in the kingdom of heaven. As the Apostle says, ‘We must enter the kingdom of heaven only by many tribulations’ (Acts 14:21)” (pp. 161-162).

In addition to the above reminders of why tribulations come our way, Blois asks the reader to look at her own suffering and compare it to what our Lord Jesus Christ was willing to endure on our behalf.  The church-goer who has lived a carefree life without many trials may very well rush through the words of the Apostles Creed, “He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell.” The Christian who carries her own small cross will carefully reflect upon these words, for she has been given a glimpse of the pain that paid for her sin and is more acutely aware of the gravity of our Lord’s sacrifice. The connection that is made between our suffering and His helps us more clearly see who He really is—a God who will do whatever it takes to help His children remember Him, call upon Him and rely on His providence alone.

I leave you with a final word from Blois who, some 800 years after his death, has been able to paint such a vivid picture in my mind of Christ’s love for me that I don’t believe I can ever look at my pain the same way again.

So realize, O soul, that it is the custom of lovers to send letters to each other, and to remind each other of the welcome and reciprocated kindnesses shown to each other, and to fear that these may be forgotten. This is why your lover Jesus Christ has visited tribulation on you… . Realize, then, that Jesus has kept the scars of his wounds which he endured for you as keepsakes. … So Christ himself says: “I shall not forget you; I have graven you on the palms of my hands” (Isah. 49:16), that is, “When I was stretched on the cross for love of you.” So if Christ has kept the scars of his wounds as keepsakes, do not be angry if he sends tribulations on you to make you mindful of him. (p. 149)

Hymns to Chase Away the Harmful Spirit

One night was worse than all of the others. I honestly can’t even remember very much of it anymore. It is as if the pain and darkness of my own grief was so pungent that my brain has blocked all sensory memory of the experience.

I do remember that my cries felt different. No, they were moans, not cries.  I had lost control of them. They rose unbidden from the center of my gut, and they came without ceasing, one perfect messa di voce after another.

I was staring my barrenness in the face, and my stomach vomited moans.

I thought to myself, “This is despair.”

I remember that my husband looked at me differently that night. He recognized the harmful spirit. No tender touches would chase it away. No platitudes of earthly comfort would suffice. He simply reached for the hymnal and began to sing:

“Why should cross and trial grieve me?
Christ is near
With His cheer;
Never will He leave me.
Who can rob me of the heaven
That God’s Son
For me won
When His life was given?

When life’s troubles rise to meet me,
Though their weight
May be great,
They will not defeat me.
God, my loving Savior, sends them;
He who knows
All my woes
Knows how best to end them.

God gives me my days of gladness,
And I will
Trust Him still
When He sends me sadness.
God is good; His love attends me
Day by day,
Come what may,
Guides me and defends me.” *

My husband had no lyre that night, but his singing was a David to my Saul. Hymn after hymn he sang, boldly proclaiming the Word of God in our home and swinging that powerful sword of Spirit to chase the Devil from our door.

And, as my husband – my warrior! – sang those Gospel Words of light and life into my own ears, my shield of faith was strengthened. The flaming darts of the devil were extinguished. My moans ceased.

* Lutheran Service Book 756 “Why Should Cross and Trial Grieve Me?” (Text: Paul Gerhardt, 1607-76; tr. Christian Worship, 1993, sts. 1-3)

Thy Will Be Done…(but what is it?)

Our first adoption was so easy. From the beginning of the paperwork to the day we brought Caleb home was less than nine months. The entire process couldn’t have gone smoother. This experience gave us a false assurance that we were back in control of our lives. We knew how to write a good birthparent letter, we had a cute album and therefore we were picked within just a few months. No sweat. Too bad those other poor couples didn’t have it altogether like we did.

Fast forward seven years to adoption #2. We’ve learned our lesson. We now know beyond a doubt that we are not in control. Everything was submitted more than two years ago and we have finally reached the point where we have been waiting longer than any other family at our agency (which I realize is not that long, compared to what so many others have experienced). Because the birthmothers are the ones who choose which family they like best, this brings us to an unsettling realization—no one wants us.

We certainly must have done something wrong with the paperwork or the album, then, right? In fact, out of pity for us the agency recently made some suggestions for changes, such as updating some of our photos and possibly adding some more color to the scrapbook pages.

“That’s it!” I thought sarcastically after getting off the phone with the social worker. “It’s color that’s the problem. More color will solve everything. Lack of colored paper is keeping us from getting another baby. How could we have not seen this earlier??”

The entire process of adopting  a child is saturated with decisions that are agonizing to make at the beginning and that cause you to constantly doubt yourself from that point forward. When the decisions have all been made and you get no referral after a few months you start torturing yourself again over what you might have done wrong. “I shouldn’t have said that we homeschool. Birthparents might think that’s weird. We should never have chosen to do foreign adoption. Everything is too uncertain. My profile really isn’t that interesting—don’t I have more hobbies than that? Should I take up some new hobbies?” Ridiculous though it may sound, these are the thoughts that come to mind. These are the thoughts that can haunt you and keep you up at night.

It’s very easy to get caught up trying to guess what the right choice is and what God wants us to do. And yet that kind of thinking only increases the stress that’s already there­. Not only is it unhelpful, it’s completely unnecessary. Do you want to know what God’s will is? Here’s a great answer from an article in the book Lutheranism 101:

[God’s] will for your life is clear: ‘Repent and believe in the gospel’ (Mark 1:15). So many people are tormented, trying to figure out what God’s will is. They doubt their decisions. If a decision turns out badly, they think that they have disobeyed God. But there is no need to be uncertain. God gives you His moral Law, which is written clearly in Scripture, and He gives you the Good News about Jesus. Beyond that, He gives you freedom…

 To find certainty about God’s will for your life, don’t look at your heart; look at His Word. Where He has not spoken, you have freedom. In those cases, use your reason. Then you can have certainty that what you are doing is acceptable to Him, even if your decisions go wrong. (p. 55-56)

You see, the hundreds of decisions we make pertaining to adoption can be made with confidence, logic, and assistance from wise friends, relatives and your pastor. Don’t think you can afford a foreign adoption? Then domestic is where you need to focus your efforts. Not sure you have the resources to properly raise a child of another race in the small town in which you live? Then leave that part of the checklist blank. It’s OK.

In Romans chapter 8, we are comforted by the promise that God is working everything together for our good. He has given you freedom to make plans as you see fit and He will take those plans and either fulfill them, alter them, or show you something completely different that He knows is just right for you.

So rest well tonight, my sisters, trusting that the Master weaver is taking all your decisions and plans and weaving them into a beautiful tapestry, according to His will, which has yet to be revealed to you. And while you rest, I’ll be up late, taking the advice of our wise social worker by adding new photos to our album and—you guessed it—a lot more colored paper.