Author: Kristi Leckband

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family.  The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family.  My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption.  Thus began the flood of questions:  Domestic or international?  How do we find a Christian, reputable agency?  How expensive is the process?  Do we have a gender preference?  Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt?  What about special needs children?  How long will this take?  Will an adoption actually happen for us?  How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents?  Is this the right decision?  Are we giving up on biological children too quickly?  Is there something else we should consider first?  Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more.  We prayed and talked a lot.  It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us.  Some of my thoughts went like this:  To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children.   I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child.  I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation.  If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path.  In hindsight, that was so misguided.  I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children.  God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions.  It’s very natural to have questions.  And doubts.  Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you.  He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing.  God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death.  If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry.  And so we can take that hurt to Him.  He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did.  We prayed and prayed.  My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision.  If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt.  After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork.  Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork.  We still question our decision to adopt.  We wonder if we should be doing something else.  Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs.  He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens.  He has blessed me with a wonderful church family.  I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one.  For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process.  May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow.  For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations.  God loves you always.  And you never have to question that.

More Paperwork

When our daughter Joanna was 2 years old, we hoped to become pregnant again. After several unsuccessful months, our doctor had no clear answer for not being pregnant. Jerome and I discussed and prayed over our options for growing a family. We knew several friends who had successfully adopted children internationally, so we decided to go that route.

In 2006, we began the long road to China. We still haven’t been there. We’ve done the homestudy, plus all of the yearly updates. We’ve done fingerprinting on the state level and the national level. (Yes, we’ve been inside Homeland Security.) We’ve visited our doctors, written down our parenting philosophy, and paid some money along the way.

This week I received the paperwork for doing our yearly homestudy update. I could fill out the paperwork in my sleep. I could get really frustrated, and sometimes I do. However, I’m not going to give up on this adoption possibility. I am hoping and praying that God allowed Jerome and me to get into this line to bring home a beautiful child to our family. I hope and pray that we are able to fulfill our roles as parents to Joanna properly, as well as care for more children.

It’s easy to become disappointed, frustrated, and depressed while waiting. There seems to be a lot of paperwork done, and we’ve yet to see any sort of progress. I’ve had some really low days, but that is the time when I’ve been on my knees in prayer as well. I know that our Heavenly Father looks out for me, and by His grace, He has blessed me with a faithful spouse and a baptized daughter. I did NOTHING to deserve any of those things. They are all gifts.

And so I continue to fill out the paperwork. I thank the Lord for each day to live in His grace. I pray that the child that He has chosen for us will come soon. In the meantime, I pray for this child as I fill out the adoption papers.

Room for More

Eight years ago Jerome and I were blessed with the birth of our daughter Joanna. What a time of joy that was! We had already waited several years for her to arrive, so we were bursting at the seams with smiles.  This was the first grandchild on my side of the family, and I was filled with joy to begin the next generation.  We watched our daughter grow and change on a daily basis, as well as nurtured her faith with hymns and prayers.  I relished (and still do) being a parent, despite the lows that mixed with the highs.

Fast-forward a couple of years.  We were ready to expand our family once again.  After several unsuccessful months without conception, we talked with our doctor.  He ordered tests and determined nothing out of the ordinary.  We used some medications but to no avail.  Finally, we were faced with the prospect of IVF or many tests and dollars towards other methods.  At the time, this seemed the end of the road.  My heart and home were ready for more children!

We went home and prayed.  What would the Lord have us do?  IVF was not an option for us, and we didn’t want to endure tests and needle-pokes and the like.  It didn’t seem that we would conceive naturally. I can still clearly recall my doctor telling me that all of the infertility tests and such would be a thing of the past once my house was full of children.  Really?  How could he make that claim?  Yet I believed him.

There are some things that I KNOW for certain…  I am a sinner.  I am by no means perfect.  My body is not perfect.  I know that I believe in the Triune God, who loves me DESPITE all of my imperfections.  I know that God has only good planned for me.  I know that He grants me only good things.  I know that my heart has a great capacity to love, especially to love children.

Yes, my heart has room for more children.  I so dearly desire more children in my family.  I want the big table with family gathered around for holidays.  I want to see my yard full of children playing games together.  I want to take family vacations with my children and make memories.  I want to have children sit on my lap while I read stories to them.  I want more children.

But it hasn’t happened.  I have been blessed instead with nieces and nephews to love.  I am godparent to eleven beautiful children.  I am privileged to teach Sunday School and to direct the children’s choir in my church.  I get the opportunity to read stories on a monthly basis to children at our local library.  My heart has so much room to love these children.  No, they’re not biological or adopted.  That doesn’t matter.  God has placed these children in my life.  My heart has room to love them, and so I do.  The Lord has given my heart room for so many children, and so I love them.

My husband and I pray for more children to be part of our immediate family.  We pray that God answers our prayer favorably.  No matter how He answers, though, I know that I am dearly loved by God.  He has made me part of His family, and He loves me dearly.

Is It Just Me?

That’s what I wondered when my tears kept flowing. I was ready for another child, and nothing was happening. I had checkups with my doctor, did the tests, ate the right foods, marked the calendar faithfully – and still nothing. I was angry, sorrowful, and confused. I felt alone in my grief. My husband and I wanted another child, but there was none. I felt like crying all the time.

Why isn’t my husband crying, too? Is it just me?  Doesn’t he care? The obvious answer was yes, but I was so overwhelmed with my own emotions that i didn’t see it. He was grieving as well. Yet I was angry that he wasn’t displaying more emotion over the situation.

Finally, my tears dried enough to tell him that I was sad, angry, confused, bitter. Praise God for a husband who cares! As I shared my myriad of emotions, he listened patiently and held me. It was then that I remembered that I do not walk this road alone. He shared his concerns and fears and sorrows, too. We cried together.

And then – we prayed. We took our concerns to the Lord. He already knew our needs and sorrows, and yet we told Him anyway. We prayed for peace, that God would grant us another baby while we waited. We prayed for other couples who were struggling with infertility. We thanked the Lord for the child we already had. We prayed that the Lord’s will would be done, and that we might know and do His will.

Is it just me? No, never. Jesus Christ knows my sorrows, and He will always be there right beside me.