Author: Kristi Leckband

Collect: Nov. 28, 2011

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.  

Collect of the Day: 

Let us pray…

Stir up our hearts, O Lord, to make ready the way of Your only-begotten Son, who has won for us life eternal by His death on the cross.  Remind us that our hope is in You alone, not in what we can do for you.  Grant us faith to trust firmly in You, despite our troubles and sorrows.  Comfort all parents who mourn the death of a child, especially Teresa and her husband.  Take them into Your care and lead them to look to You for confidence and strength as they face the future.  Comfort them with your everlasting love; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen.

Collect: Nov. 14, 2011

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.  

Collect of the Week: 

Let us pray…

Almighty and ever-living God, You have given exceedingly great and precious promises to those who trust in You.  Thank you for the life you grant us in our baptisms.  Thank you for your promise to never forsake us, even in our times of sorrow.  Dispel from us the works of darkness and grant us to live in the light of Your Son, Jesus Christ, that our faith may never be found wanting; through the same Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen.

Contentment Is Not Perpetual Happiness

In a world that tells me I can “have it all,” it is quite hard to accept the fact that God may not have a houseful of children planned for me.  I’ve wanted that since I was young.  As a little girl, I saw lots of moms with their children.  I saw the joy reflected in the faces of mothers and their children as they interacted with each other.  Motherhood seemed to be a happy time.

The truth is that I don’t always get what I want.  As a young, married woman, I saw that I was not receiving a quiver full of children.  Without lots of children surrounding my table, how was I going to be happy?  Thus began a struggle to “have it all.”  I had forgotten that God provides what I need, and He knows what is best for my eternal good.  God provides abundant blessings to all of His children, whether single or married.  God’s sons and daughters receive the forgiveness of their sins and eternal life and so much more. Those blessings can only be good gifts.

I never imagined that barrenness would be part of my vocabulary.  I never dreamed that it would be part of my life.  To hear the word “barren” would conjure up visions of darkness, loneliness, and lack of hope.  What a wrong picture that was.  God’s blessings abound for the Christian, barren woman.  She is a baptized child of Christ.  The Lord is with her always.  He grants to her the forgiveness of sins and so much more.

The Lord, in His mercy, has granted me a loving spouse and a dear daughter.  I know that I gain nothing by trying to control my own fertility, or by coveting the children that have been given to others.  I have learned to rejoice in the blessings that have been given to me, and that has helped me to be content.

If my source of contentment is myself, then my world will constantly make me unhappy.  I am a sinner, and my feelings will often lead me to pity myself, to covet the gifts others have received, and to be angry at God.  None of that could ever lead to happiness because it is subjective.  There will be no contentment for me when I focus on my selfishness.  Things go wrong.  My life is not always a happy place.  If I’m going to trust contentment to come from within me, then I’m going to be sad nearly all of the time.  There is suffering in this world, and Satan uses suffering to lead us to despair.  He tells me that my barrenness is what’s giving me sorrow.  If I can find some way to “fix” my barrenness, then I will be happy.  If I have one child, then I will be happy.  If I have another child, then maybe I’ll be happy.  To that, I say, “Satan, be gone!”  Barrenness is a cross to bear, but Jesus Christ has borne my sins and sorrows for me and gives me Himself.

True contentment can only come from outside myself.  Jesus Christ is the only true source of peace.  Thus, being content does not always mean that I will be happy.  And thanks be to God that my contentment does not rely on me.  There will continue to be times of sorrow throughout my life.  I have pain and trouble; I don’t always feel happy.  Thank God that my faith in Him does not depend on my feelings.  I know with 100% certainty that I am saved from myself through the blood of Jesus.  Because of His grace and mercy, I can go to sleep in peace.  My world is filled with troubles, but I know that I rest in the arms of Jesus.  There is no safer place to be, for it is in Him alone that I have complete comfort.  I am at peace in Christ alone.

On Being Weary

It’s been five, long years since our adoption paperwork landed itself on a desk in China.  Five years – that’s a milestone.  In those five years, we have seen our doctors on a yearly basis for an updated medical history and had our blood drawn several times for a variety of tests.  We know the state patrol officer on a first-name basis since we’ve been fingerprinted so many times.  We’ve met with our case worker several times to verify that our home is safe for children.  We’ve taken the necessary parenting classes.

Five years have passed.  We actually started the paperwork process eight months prior to that.  And I’m weary.  This isn’t what my husband and I signed up to endure.  At the time, nobody anticipated the long wait.  And yet it’s happened.

So what do I do?  I could get angry.  I could demand answers for the slow-down in placements.  I could expect more pity from my neighbors and friends.  I could take out my anger on my family.  I could shut the rest of the world out and wallow in my misery.  I could turn my back on God because He hasn’t given me what I want – when I want it.

But that’s no good either.  For you see, God IS still taking care of me.  He has given me a loving husband, who has taken every single step of this lengthy journey with me.  My spouse of 13 years has signed every piece of paperwork and seen the slow pace of referrals.  God has given me friends and neighbors, who have shared hugs with me.  God has given me loving family members, who continue to pray that the Lord would bring the right child into our family in His good time.  God has given me all of these people in my life to uplift and pray for me in my weariness.

But I’m weak from putting up a strong front in public.  I’m tired of signing papers.  I’m weary of the long wait.  There are days when I’m ready to throw up my hands and give up the whole adoption process.

Holy Scripture says in Isaiah 40:28-31 –  Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Did you hear that?  God is not weak, nor tired, not weary.  He is strong!  He beckons us to come to Him with our griefs and sorrows.  He has granted us Himself in Holy Baptism.  He renews us with the gift of the Holy Spirit and comforts us.  Christ has overcome every evil of mind, body, and soul and keeps us to Himself!  No matter how tired and weary we may be, God carries us.  He knows our hurts and that we are tired, and He renews us with Himself.  I come to God with an empty sack, and He fills it up.  It’s all His work; I am the blessed recipient of His grace, mercy, and comfort.

I get tired and weary, but I know that my hope is in the LORD.  He knows me and grants me what I need: Himself.  He also gives me a loving spouse, who walks faithfully beside me.  He provides loving family and friends, who share hugs when I need them.  I am not alone; I don’t have to carry this burden myself.  My hope comes from the LORD, for He will provide what is best for me.  I can rest in Him.

God Gives Good Gifts

God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.  I can get on board with that.  And yet, I haven’t been given several fruits of my womb, nor have they multiplied  around my table.  Are there other good gifts from God for me?

YES, dear friend, there are many good gifts for you!  We can start by looking at Martin Luther’s meaning of the First Article of the Apostles’ Creed.  I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my members, my reason and all my senses, and still takes care of them. He also gives me clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and home, wife and children, land, animals, and all I have. He richly and daily provides me with all that I need to support this body and life. He defends me against all danger and guards and protects me from all evil. All this He does only out of fatherly, divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness in me. For all this it is my duty to thank and praise, serve and obey Him. This is most certainly true.   God gives you His love each and every day.  He has designed you and created you. And while you don’t understand why you don’t have childlren, God still cares for you.   He has given you a long list of earthly possessions and takes care of you on a daily basis.  He has given us His very words in the Holy Scriptures.

God has given you more than earthly blessings, though.  He has given you His Son.  Look at Luther’s meaning of the Second Article of the Apostles’ Creed.  I believe that Jesus Christ, true God, begotten of the Father from eternity, and also true man, born of the Virgin Mary, is my Lord. Who has redeemed me, a lost and condemned person, purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil; not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death, that I may be His own and live under Him in His kingdom and serve Him in everlasting righteousness, innocence, and blessedness, just as He is risen from the dead, lives and reigns to all eternity. This is most certainly true.  Sin is every thought, word, and action which goes against God’s will.  I have been been envious and angry at God regarding my barrenness.  I have lashed out at God and tried to dictate to Him how my life should go.  I have tried to be in control.  There is no way I can make myself right with God once again.  Thus, He gave His Son Jesus to be the sacrificial payment for all wrongdoing.  I am forgiven!  This all comes by God’s grace.  It’s FREE – nothing we can do can merit God’s favor.  All our righteous acts are now good because of Jesus.  That’s quite a gift.

We receive even more gifts through the Holy Spirit.  Examine Luther’s meaning of the Third Article of the Apostles’ Creed.  I believe that I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ, my Lord, or come to Him; but the Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with His gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith. In the same way He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith. In this Christian church He daily and richly forgives all my sins and the sins of all believers. On the Last Day He will raise me and all the dead, and give eternal life to me and all believers in Christ. This is most certainly true.  There is no way that I can receive full comfort for my barrenness unless I have faith in the Triune God, who truly knows me and cares for my entire being.  By faith, I can say, with confidence, that God has given me all good gifts.

At times, it’s hard to remember that God gives such goodness.  Go, dear sister, to your pastor and share with him your hurts.  He will, in turn, share Christ’s good gifts with you.  You receive Christ in Holy Baptism.  You receive forgiveness of sins through Christ’s Body and Blood in the Lord’s Supper.  You hear God’s promises for you in the words of Holy Scripture.  You pastor will rejoice with you in your baptism and the promises of God.  Our Lord Jesus Christ has only good gifts to give, and we are blessed to receive them.

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

I’ve asked myself that question time and time again. I seem to experience various stages of grief throughout the year. I never can tell when the feelings are going to surface.  Different situations stir up hurt and anger and sadness. I see the new mom in the store, her baby sleeping peacefully in the car-seat. I see the teenage parents, holding their toddler’s hands. I read the birth announcements in the newspaper. These things all create a longing, a hunger for a child to grow inside me.  And I wonder: When will the pain ever stop?  When will I finally be “at peace” with my current station in life?

It’s really a control issue.  I want to be in control of my life, and I want to direct what happens to it.  I want to have another child, and it hasn’t happened yet.  Then I realize the greediness and selfishness of my thoughts and confess my sin.  God knows; He hasn’t abandoned me in my anger and sorrow and sin.  He forgives me and washes that sin away.  It’s gone.  And I am content with all the blessings that are already mine.

Until I see the new parents in church with their little bundle of joy.  And I want what they have.  Yes, I get those feelings of anger towards God while in church.  In church!  Why hasn’t He given me more children?  Children are gifts.  Why haven’t I received more of His gifts?

Here’s the truth:  I have received His gifts.  I have received His name in Holy Baptism.  I have received His very body and blood in the Lord’s Supper.

Why haven’t I received more children?  I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this:  God knows me, and He knows what is best for me.  He has already given me His best – His own Son Jesus – for ME.  I have already received so many blessings!

So… will it ever stop hurting?  I can’t answer that, but God knows my sorrow and hurt.  His own Son hung on a cross and was abandoned by the entire world.  God knows anger; His children have turned their backs on Him for years.  And still He loves me.  He knows my grief and my sorrows.  He loves me despite my anger towards Him.  He knows that I hurt, and He’s right there beside me.  He knows me, and that brings some comfort to my hurting soul.

God’s Gift of a Spouse

In 1998, Jerome and I were married.  The Lord has blessed us greatly during the past 13 years.  We have both found suitable employment, jobs that bring us joy.  Our parents have lived within a day’s driving distance.  We’ve been able to see our families throughout the year, and there is much joy and laughter.  My husband and I have enjoyed good health; we are grateful for the Lord’s mercy in our lives.

One of the greatest blessings has been the birth of our daughter Joanna.  She is God’s gift to us, and we thank God every day for her.  Before Joanna was born, we struggled to become pregnant.  There were days of doctors’ appointments, times of waiting for test results, and numerous prayers.  I am so thankful that the Lord did not intend for me to go through this time of uncertainty alone.  There were days when I needed a shoulder upon which to cry, and Jerome was there.  There were unanswered questions, and Jerome wondered the same thing.  I was angry, and Jerome provided a listening ear.  We could lean on each other, and we did.  Hearts were opened up and poured out to each other.  My burdens became his burdens, and his became mine.  We didn’t know the Lord’s plan for our lives, and so we could do nothing but trust in His promises to provide only good things for us.  And He already had.  He had given us Himself in Holy Baptism and the Lord’s Supper.  In time, He also gave our daughter Joanna to us.

It was not through any of our good merits that the Lord provided, though.  This was His complete mercy to us.  There is nothing in me  that could have pushed the Lord to grant our wishes.  I was  conceived in sin and born sinful.  The only good that lies in me (or my husband) has come from Jesus Christ.  He has taken all of my sins and washed me clean. I now stand pure before God.

I am, however, a sinful person.  I can hear you saying, “Didn’t she just say that she is now pure?”  And you’re right.  I am pure, and I am still sinful.  I don’t know if Jerome and I will ever be parents to a second child.  I don’t know if Joanna will ever get to be a big sister.  You see, God doesn’t OWE me anything.  I’m still a sinner, in need of God’s grace and mercy.  I could pray all day, every day, and God still wouldn’t have to provide another child to my family.  I pray that God would bless us with another child, but I have no guarantee of that.

And so, I thank God for what He has already given to me.  I have His name marked on my forehead and my heart.  I have the doors of heaven open to me upon my death.  I have been given a loving husband.  God has blessed my marriage to Jerome, and I am so thankful.  The Lord has granted me a companion for life, and I am blessed.

Not everyone has received the gift of a spouse.  That does not mean God thinks any less of them, just as He doesn’t think any less of women who are barren.  It does not provide comfort to say, “Oh, the right person is out there for you yet.”  Are you really sure about that?  Do you know God’s mind?  It is better to rejoice with our single friends in the blessings God has already bestowed upon them.

God provides abundant blessings to all of His children, whether single or married.  God gives good gifts, and ONLY good gifts.

How Long, O Lord?

Do you remember, when as a child, you kept waiting for Christmas to come?  Perhaps you counted down to the last day of school.  You counted every day and knew when the last bell would ring, welcoming the start of summer break.  Sometimes the wait seemed extremely lengthy, but you knew there was an end in sight.  When couples discover they are going to have a baby, the countdown calendar is on.

It sure would be nice if the adoption process worked that way, too.  The sad truth is that it doesn’t.  When you pursue the adoption path, you are getting on a long ride.  You have no idea if the wait will be short or long.  You have no idea whether or not you will ever receive a child.  Thus, you wait.  And you wait.  And you wait some more.

The same is true of the married couple wanting to have a baby.  There is no guarantee of a baby.  However, they wait and hope and pray.

What’s a person to do during this exceedingly long stage?  Do I wallow in self-pity?  Do I become angry at the girls who have babies all the time and don’t even want them?  Do I lock myself away from all new moms?  Do I wonder when I will get to have something good happen to me? 

The long wait (since January 2006) has helped me to see God provides all good things to me ALREADY.  I have been born into a Christian family that knew that I needed my sinful thoughts removed in the gift of holy baptism.  I am married to a loving husband, who carries the load of barrenness with me.  I have been blessed with friends who walk this difficult road and share tears with me.  When God made me His child, He gave me abundant blessings right then and there.  I didn’t have to mark the days off on a calendar, waiting for God’s blessings to come to me.  I received them at my baptism.

God has created the world and all within it.  He cares for the sparrow and knows the very hairs on our heads.  He knows all things about me, and loves me anyway!  He cares for me, and He cares for you, my dear friend in Christ.  He loves you!

And so I can talk about barrenness and not feel like I’m less of a person than the unwed teenage mom or the family that already has their quiver full and another one the way.  God has given me so many good things.  On my knees, with tears in my eyes, I realized that God has taken care of me in multiple ways.  Whether or not I am able to mother another child – that doesn’t matter.  I am valuable in God’s eyes. If God should see fit to grow my family, then I am blessed even more abundantly.  If God deigns that my family is complete in its current form, then I am blessed abundantly.  I have God’s goodness ALREADY.

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family.  The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family.  My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption.  Thus began the flood of questions:  Domestic or international?  How do we find a Christian, reputable agency?  How expensive is the process?  Do we have a gender preference?  Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt?  What about special needs children?  How long will this take?  Will an adoption actually happen for us?  How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents?  Is this the right decision?  Are we giving up on biological children too quickly?  Is there something else we should consider first?  Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more.  We prayed and talked a lot.  It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us.  Some of my thoughts went like this:  To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children.   I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child.  I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation.  If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path.  In hindsight, that was so misguided.  I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children.  God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions.  It’s very natural to have questions.  And doubts.  Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you.  He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing.  God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death.  If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry.  And so we can take that hurt to Him.  He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did.  We prayed and prayed.  My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision.  If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt.  After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork.  Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork.  We still question our decision to adopt.  We wonder if we should be doing something else.  Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs.  He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens.  He has blessed me with a wonderful church family.  I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one.  For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process.  May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow.  For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations.  God loves you always.  And you never have to question that.

More Paperwork

When our daughter Joanna was 2 years old, we hoped to become pregnant again. After several unsuccessful months, our doctor had no clear answer for not being pregnant. Jerome and I discussed and prayed over our options for growing a family. We knew several friends who had successfully adopted children internationally, so we decided to go that route.

In 2006, we began the long road to China. We still haven’t been there. We’ve done the homestudy, plus all of the yearly updates. We’ve done fingerprinting on the state level and the national level. (Yes, we’ve been inside Homeland Security.) We’ve visited our doctors, written down our parenting philosophy, and paid some money along the way.

This week I received the paperwork for doing our yearly homestudy update. I could fill out the paperwork in my sleep. I could get really frustrated, and sometimes I do. However, I’m not going to give up on this adoption possibility. I am hoping and praying that God allowed Jerome and me to get into this line to bring home a beautiful child to our family. I hope and pray that we are able to fulfill our roles as parents to Joanna properly, as well as care for more children.

It’s easy to become disappointed, frustrated, and depressed while waiting. There seems to be a lot of paperwork done, and we’ve yet to see any sort of progress. I’ve had some really low days, but that is the time when I’ve been on my knees in prayer as well. I know that our Heavenly Father looks out for me, and by His grace, He has blessed me with a faithful spouse and a baptized daughter. I did NOTHING to deserve any of those things. They are all gifts.

And so I continue to fill out the paperwork. I thank the Lord for each day to live in His grace. I pray that the child that He has chosen for us will come soon. In the meantime, I pray for this child as I fill out the adoption papers.