I KNOW that my life may be a cross of barrenness. It is quite another to ACCEPT that knowledge and live under the cross of Christ.
I KNOW that anything that is mine comes to me as a gift through Christ. It is quite another for me to remember that they do not come through any merit of my own.
Dear Jesus, I know that you are always with me. Teach me to accept your good will for my life. Amen.
“Identify who you are and what you can do.”
The Rev. Dr. Arthur A. Just shared those words with a group of pastors’ wives this past week. That sentence struck me on a variety of levels. It especially rang true for me regarding my barrenness. Our culture tends to identify people in regards to who they are. Are you married? Do you have children? Who are your parents? This same culture wants to know what people can do. Can you bear children? Can you prevent the birth of children? Can you control the number of children you’re having?
For so many years, I have identified myself by what I CANNOT do. I cannot produce children upon demand. I cannot choose when to have a child. I shamefully acknowledge that I am a product of a sinful world. Any children that come to me are purely received as gifts from our Heavenly Father.
So – Who am I? I am God’s child. My true identity is found in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior, and He died to make me whole. If I am barren, what can I do? I can receive God’s good gifts when they are given to me. Those gifts are found in His Word and Holy Sacraments. To receive is exactly what I can do. I can serve my neighbor in love.
In Christ, I know who I am and what I can do. I can love my neighbor, even if that neighbor is not born of my own flesh.
One of the area newspapers ran an article on our recent international adoption of Maria. We are thankful that the writer gave us the opportunity to share our story, and we thank God that the writer allowed us to share our hope and trust in the Lord’s timing and will for our lives. You can read the story HERE.
I KNOW that my life may be a cross of barrenness. It is still difficult for me to ACCEPT my barrenness and then live under the cross of Jesus.
I KNOW that God has given me His good gifts. It is quite another for me to ACCEPT those gifts without giving credit to myself.
Dear God, You know what is best for me. Help me to trust and accept Your good will for my life. Amen.
Listening to a baby coo, watching her first steps, holding her tiny hand in yours… These are things that we barren women desire. We watch our girlfriends share kisses with their babies; we see dads swoop up the little ones in their arms. We listen to grandparents crow about their grandchildren’s accomplishments. Where is my baby? Where is the child that should come forth from my womb? If I gave birth, then my heartache would be gone. If we adopted, I know that my mood would improve. Having a baby would be the answer to all of my problems.
Reality check – Children aren’t happy all the time. A baby cries; a baby messes. A newborn can’t communicate her needs clearly. I’m not happy 24/7 either. Sometimes I’m angry. At other times I’m sad. I long for things that are beyond my reach. Even though I want a baby to be the answer to my prayers, a baby is not the solution to my problems.
The solution is Jesus. He provides healing. He knows the hurt we carry. He knows our deep, heartfelt desire to be a parent. He knows that our selfishness can lead to turning parenthood into an idol. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows that we need a Savior. Jesus takes us into His loving arms and holds us. He reminds us in His Holy Word that He provides for our every need. He gives us a church family to love and support us.
When we pray “Thy will be done,” we acknowledge that God is the author of all creation, and His will is best for our lives. He knows that having a baby is AN answer to prayers. He also knows that having a baby is not always THE answer to prayers. There is a difference. We pray that God would lead us to recognize His good will for our lives – with or without a baby.
“Did you hear? Alyssa is pregnant!”
“Guess what. My neighbor is expecting twins!”
“Has anybody told you? The Greenbergs are adopting!”
I’m certain we have all been privy to such conversations. In those moments, I have done my best to show genuine excitement for the couple. However, I am falling apart on the inside. That good news should be mine. I should be buying maternity clothing. I should be shopping for a double-stroller. I’ve been eating well, exercising faithfully, attending church on a regular basis. We submitted all of our paperwork to the adoption agency. Birthmothers should be choosing my spouse and me to adopt her child.
If left up to us, our wishes would be fulfilled. The pregnancy test would be positive. The twins would have matching cribs. The adoption process would be smooth as silk. It should be me! I should be the one shouting out such good news. But, no, I’m on the receiving end of good baby news once again.
There’s something else that should have happened to me. I should have been the one who was scourged, spit upon, mocked, pierced, and crucified. Yes, I’m the sinner who has broken every single one of the Ten Commandments. It really should be me who’s dead. I really don’t deserve any of the goodness that has been bestowed upon me, for I am a conceited, selfish sinner, who deserves death.
Thanks be to God that He gave His Son to take that punishment for me. Jesus Christ endured the scorn, the pain, and even the death you and I deserved. During this Holy Week, I humbly bow before the Lord God and thank Him for taking away the death that should have been mine.
Long ago in catechism class, I learned that God answers prayers. He does so in several ways; He can answer YES, NO, and WAIT. As a kid, any time my parents told me to WAIT, I was disappointed. As an adult, I still don’t like to hear the word WAIT. It took my struggles and suffering as an adult to finally understand that God may say WAIT because that is what is best for me.
The Lord has been working on my hard, sin-filled heart continuously since my Baptism. I sin when I reject His Words and His gifts, but I also repent of those sins. It’s such a paradox of the human mind and spirit. I pray to the Lord and ask Him for the desires of my heart. His answers are still YES, NO, and WAIT.
With joy I receive all of His gifts, even if they don’t come when I want them. Today, though, I am preparing to receive a gift for which I have long prayed: a child. The Lord has told me to WAIT for several years, and I have struggled to accept that answer. The Lord has used this time to strengthen and uphold me, to encourage me, to mold me into His child. I have fought Him time and again; I have rejected His gifts. I have rejected the people He has placed around me to share God’s Word with me. I have learned that I don’t have to suffer alone. God has given me so many good gifts, and I am still learning to receive them with thanksgiving.
Now God tells me, “YES – I am blessing you with a child, who will come to you through the gift of adoption.” Why? Did I finally meet His expectations for perfection? No; I still sin daily. Did I finally pray hard enough? No, I haven’t been faithful in prayer. Have I finally suffered enough? My suffering is nothing compared to the suffering of God’s Son Jesus. This child is a gift… from God! I don’t deserve a child; I’m not entitled to such a blessing. Yet He gives this child to our family purely by His grace. There is no merit or worthiness in me. None.
God, in His mercy, has said YES! And when God says YES, I will receive this child with joy!
Life is unpredictable. (Isn’t that the understatement of the year?) Despite all of my organization, I’ll never be prepared for everything. If I could plan for every possible snag along the way, then I’d think pretty highly of myself.
However, I’ve experienced enough to know that there are plenty of unscripted moments. I couldn’t predict the trials that I have faced, and they have driven me to my knees in prayer. I have been reminded time and again to trust in the Triune God and His unfailing promises. God tells me that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5c). My times are in His hands (Psalm 31). He will never give me more than I can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).
And so I offer a simple prayer: Thank you, God, for taking care of me. Amen.
As I was paying for some travel items in the store last week, the clerk asked where we were going on our trip. I replied that we were traveling to China to receive our little girl. The clerk’s face lit up. “Oh,” she squealed, “do you have a picture of her with you?” Slightly shocked, I pulled our little girl’s picture out of my purse. The clerk beamed as she looked at the picture and said, “What a sweet little girl! You be sure to bring her into the store so we can meet her, okay?” I grinned and thanked her for the congratulations.
I was caught off-guard because I’ve been reluctant to share our adoption journey with others. The process of international adoption has become so lengthy for us that every conversation surrounding adoption brought me pain. So it’s nice to receive a bit of joy, even from strangers. The clerk certainly understood the blessing of a child, even if she didn’t come right out and say so.
For years now, our talks at home about children have been somewhat restrained. We have endured years of waiting and hoping. It was painful to talk about growing our family. There were no guarantees that the Lord would answer our prayer. Yes, we talked about our hopes for a larger family, but those conversations were short and cautious. It was hard to imagine a larger family when nothing seemed to make that a reality. Meals were eerily quiet. Talking aloud about having children made the pain of not having them all the more real.
As we draw closer to receiving our little girl, our dinner conversations have become more lively. We talk about the personality our little girl might have. Family vacations and birthday parties are being planned as we sit around our table. More smiles are shared together.
This does not mean to say that the Lord has abandoned us during our wait. On the contrary, He has carried us through the sorrowful days and meals. He has continued to provide food for our table and an environment in which we can continue to receive His good gifts.
Dear friend, I encourage you to speak aloud your pain. It’s okay to talk about wanting children, even if they haven’t been given to you. I wish I had shared those sorrows with my loved ones. I cheated them out of the opportunity to love me and help carry my grief. They had often told me that they loved me, but I was still too scared to actually talk about my barrenness with them. Share your sorrow with your spouse. Tell your pastor; then hear him read the psalms to you. God’s Word brings true comfort to a hurting soul. God says that He loves you. Now that’s something to share.
He Remembers the Barren 