Author: Kristi

The Way of Women and Laughter

In my morning devotions, I am reading about Abraham and Sarah. Genesis 18:11 (ESV) says: “Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in years. The way of women had ceased to be with Sarah.” I chuckled when I read the phrase, “the way of women.” I have longed to be in “the way of women” for several years. Upon reading further in Scripture, I learned that Sarah did not give birth to her son Isaac for another 25 years! I guess my elephant wait isn’t so long after all.

25 years! A quarter of a century. No wonder his parents named him Isaac, whose name means “he laughs.” I’m sure that Abraham and Sarah shared a good many laughs before and after Isaac’s birth. God really does have a sense of humor. I’m going to do more laughing.

A Proper Perspective

It’s happened twice now in the past two months. I’m on the phone with a family member, talking about our upcoming international adoption. As we talk, I lament the fact that referrals were not given as far into the month as I’d hoped. The reaction on the other end of the phone line: Oh, I was thinking it’s good that referrals were given at least that far.

Then it dawns on me. I’ve been looking at this from the wrong perspective. Again. I’ve been grieving over the child that is not yet in my arms. I’ve been coveting what has not been given to me. I’ve been accusing God of not getting His timeline to match up correctly with mine. I’ve started another pity-party.

Thanks be to God that He forgives my pessimism, my self-idolatry, my lack of perspective.

Barrenness through Mom’s Eyes

My mom Laurie Schepmann is a caring soul, and it is my fervent prayer that my life might emulate her grace and love. She has never wavered in her love for me as I have journeyed from a little girl into a grown woman and am now dealing with the cross of barrenness. Below is a letter that Mom wrote. I share it with you as a reminder that you are loved as a daughter, whether or not you are a parent.

Dear Kristi,

I do want to say once again that your value or worth or whatever you want to call it has never diminished in our eyes because of your barrenness. The same goes for our love for you. Such a thing would never enter our minds. You are our daughter, and nothing can change our love for you or the bonds that tie us to each other.

I do appreciate how difficult a thing it must be to share something like barrenness when one views it as a humiliation or degradation of oneself. I, however, have never felt that it lessened a person, or more specifically YOU…but, then again, I have not “walked in your shoes.” I understand that there are people who can make you feel that way, though, and the only thing I know is to forgive them for their lack of understanding, pray for them, and move on.

Those who are barren are not lessened in my mind one iota. It is just another one of those things over which one has no control. As always, we support each other whenever we can and whenever we finally REALIZE that there is a need. So often, we are not there for others because we have no idea what goes on in their hearts and minds. Thanks be to God that there is forgiveness for us and that He promises to be with us and help us in all of our needs, though!

It has always been my belief that you handled it very well. Little did I know, though, of the turmoil and pain you endured in private. Because of our desire not to snoop, but rather to wait for you to share any news, if and when you chose to, we said very little. If you interpreted that as not caring, I apologize and feel sorry about it.

We are looking forward to the time when you can bring your adopted child home! Whoever he, or she, may be, we know this child will find welcoming hearts and laps and hugs in our family. My prayers for that child, as you know, have continued from the first time you told us that you were applying for a child! (In anticipation of his/her joining us soon, we’ve already bought him/her a Christmas stocking.) May our loving Heavenly Father, Who knows all of our needs, bring that child to us soon and in accord with His divine wisdom and will; for, He surely knows and loves us more than anyone else. We know that special love through His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ!

Thank you for opening up and sharing with us and with others, who are traveling that same, painful road. May God bless you for your courage and help many others through you. God works all things for good to those who love Him.

Love,
Mom

A Dad’s Love for His Little Girl

Pastor Roger Schepmann is my dad, and he has graciously given me permission to share his thoughts surrounding my barrenness. Dad has always been a stronghold for our family and has always loved me unconditionally. I am blessed to be “Daddy’s little girl.”

As a father, I like to have everything go smoothly for my children. When they were little, I’d tell them to bring whatever it was that needed fixing, so I could fix it, and they would be happy. Example: the child has fallen and his/her knee hurts. Well, I’d kiss it to make it better. Or, if some toy needed some minor repair, they could bring it to me, and I’d do my best to fix it. Now, I’m not a “Mr. Fix-It,” but I’d do my best.

When it comes to barrenness, as a father, I still think it is something I should fix. I want to fix it somehow so my daughter can have all the children she has ever wanted. But it is something I cannot fix. I’d like to fix it, but I can’t. That’s why I simply put the entire matter into the hand of God. He knows what to do or not to do. He has it all figured out already. And I have to realize that He can do the impossible. That doesn’t mean He must, but He has the capacity to do what might be deemed as “impossible.” So, I commend my daughter and her husband into the hand of God for I know God will work good through this very difficult matter.

Do I think less of my daughter for being barren? Not at all. She is who she is: a child of God, made God’s own in Baptism, kept God’s own through the Spirit’s working in Word and Sacrament. She is not any less a child of God because she is unable to conceive a child. She is still “Daddy’s little girl” and will remain such. I have always been very proud of her. That has not changed. Barrenness does not define who she is. It is a cross she bears, but not one she bears alone. As a father, I am here to listen, to pray, and to give her the support she needs. I don’t always do a good job of all of that, but with God’s help, I will do better in the weeks and months ahead of us.

“God is our Refuge and Strength, an ever-present Help in trouble.” Ps. 46:1

Telling Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad are two of my greatest blessings, and I love them dearly. They have always been my strongest supporters. Mom helped me study lists of words for school spelling bees. Dad sat beside me at the kitchen table as I struggled to divide fractions. They prayed with me before bed each night and sent me to school with the words, “God be with you.” I knew they loved and supported me. They also encouraged my brothers and me to talk openly with them. Mom and Dad were always willing listeners and encouraged us to share our thoughts.

Sadly, my parents were the hardest people to tell when it came to discussions surrounding my barrenness. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I was preparing for my laparascopy, Jerome suggested calling my parents to let them know what was going to happen. I dreaded that call; I didn’t want them to know anything about it. Why was I so scared, so apprehensive? I was ashamed and embarrassed. I thought I had let them down. They had been waiting for grandchildren, and I hadn’t come through for them. I felt that I had disappointed them, even though I knew this could never be true.

I wanted to tell my parents that I was pregnant, not that I was barren. Thanks be to God for Jerome. He held my hand as we started that conversation. I don’t even know what we said anymore. I know that I cried. Even though those early talks are now blurred in my mind, I can confidently say that my parents’ love for me never wavered. I knew that they were still going to love and cherish me unconditionally.

Sometime after our initial barrenness talks, my mom shared that she didn’t know what to say or do. I recall her saying, “You have to tell me how to support you because we haven’t gone through anything like this.” Mom was right. This was new for our family, and none of us knew what to say or do. Mom knew, though. She loved me; she told me she cared. Our family is still learning how to talk about barrenness. I don’t think it will ever be easy because it will always hurt. However, God gives us family members to share the burden. There is great joy in being a daughter, for I know that I am a child of God. In my darkest hours, I could recall that I am the child of parents who love me, even though I may never be a parent myself.

Dear sisters, it’s hard to talk about barrenness. We’ve not heard conversations about it before, so we’re charting new territory. It’s frightening to say aloud that you’re barren. Know this, though. Your family loves you. Your value in the family does not depend upon the size of your family. You are God’s child, and He loves you as you are. I regret not telling my parents sooner about our struggles with barrenness. They knew we were hurting but wanted to respect our privacy and our wish to share things when we were ready. I had neglected to let my parents love and care for me in my grief, but God gives us family to care for us and to carry our sorrows.

When you’re ready, I encourage you to share your barrenness with your family. Yes, it will be hard, very hard. The book He Remembers the Barren is an excellent way to start the conversation. Katie states beautifully the hurt, the pain, the grief, the hope, the joy that we have as Christians who live in the Lord. Her words become your words as you struggle to verbalize your barrenness. And you’ll never be alone in your barrenness. We, your sisters in the family of Christ, are praying for you.

The Elephant Pregnancy

I admire the elephant mother. Did you know that she is pregnant for 22 months before giving birth?

Once our family decided to pursue an international adoption, the whirlwind of paperwork began. We scrambled to assemble our portfolio and rushed it overseas. After that, there was nothing to do but sit and wait. Eventually more information was requested about us. We quickly gathered the necessary papers and sent the information. Then came more waiting. When starting the adoption process in 2006, we were informed that our wait would be 13-14 months to receive a child.

It’s now 2012, and we’re still waiting. Somewhere along the way, I realized that our adoption would not complete its course in a short 14 months. When the months stretched into years, things didn’t get any easier. I had let myself get excited, anticipating the addition of a child to our family in a short amount of time. When that didn’t happen, I buried those feelings of excitement deep inside me. I focused on my vocations of wife, mother, and friend, rather than dwell on what had not been given to me. The Lord knew that it was not yet time for our family to add another member.

Recently I talked with my adoption liaison about the events that will occur between our referral and travel. She was delighted to share some information and prepare me for what is to come. I was disappointed, though, to hear that the length of time between the referral and travel would be 3-4 months. Since 2006, I had been told that the wait time would be about 8 weeks. I was more than disappointed; I was disheartened. With that news, it became likely that we would not travel until early fall. Our family would have to wait at least 3 months after referral to see our child. Another low point.

I don’t know how the elephant does it. She knows she’s pregnant, and for nearly two years she waits. That’s a long time, but she can’t change the situation. To deliver any sooner would be detrimental to the health of her baby. Instead, she continues to go about her tasks and takes care of herself. For two incredibly long years.

I know how long waiting can be. I’ve been doing it for six years already. And yet, no good thing does God withhold from his children. Our family must wait several weeks longer. Can I change that? No. I gain nothing by complaining about the circumstances. Rather, I cling to God’s grace to me. The will of God is always good, and I know that to be true for all believers in Christ. I have been given more time to pray for this child, more opportunities to prepare our family to meet her, more days to ready our home for her. I don’t need to worry about the time frame; God has taken care of it for me.

So today I identify with the elephant. Her pregnancy lasts 22 months. By the time it’s all said and done, our adoption process will be longer than an elephant’s pregnancy… three times over. But that’s okay because the Lord knows my needs, and His timing is always the best. Thanks be to God that He never forgets His children, elephant-wait and all.

Collect: January 30, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you. If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Almighty God, You promise that Your Word will endure forever. We also know that the devil seeks to lead us to doubt Your Holy Word. Strengthen us to withstand the attacks of the devil, the world, and our sinful flesh. Comfort those who struggle, especially childless couples and those who mourn the death of a child. Help them to see the blessings You have given to them and give them joy in their vocations. Grant each of us Your protection to carry us through our trials, for the victory has already been won; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Collect: January 23, 2012

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Almighty and everlasting God, you give us the kingdom of heaven through Your Son Jesus. With joy we receive the forgiveness of sins through the Word and Sacrament. We beg you to mercifully look upon our infirmities and grant healing. Be with Jen as she recovers from surgery. In Your mercy, give her relief from pain and a full recovery. Comfort Katie as she prepares for surgery. If it be your will, grant her a successful surgery. Thank You for giving these women healing of the soul, the complete assurance of sins forgiven; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Collect: January 16, 2012

Collect of the Week:

Let us pray…

Almighty and everlasting God, thank You for sending your Son Jesus to be the Light of the world. The Law has shown us the darkness of our sin, and we beg your forgiveness. Help us confess that Jesus is the Son of God, the Savior of the world. Be with Lisa during the darkness of her suffering and assure her of Your eternal presence. Strengthen Brenda as she faces the days ahead; be her light in the darkness of uncertainty. Comfort all who struggle in sin and lead them to repentance; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Baby Showers and Baptisms

Question submitted: How have you made it through going to baby showers? It’s difficult for me. My younger sister’s baby shower is coming up, and I am nervous about going because I don’t want to start crying in front of everyone.

A baby shower. A baby’s baptism. Meeting a new niece or nephew at the hospital for the first time. My participation in each of these events is a painful reminder to me of what I lack. I’m not the guest of honor at a baby shower. I don’t get to dress my baby in a family heirloom baptismal gown on her special day. I’m not the one who has recently birthed a child at the hospital.

I never realized how emotional these events were until the baptism of my brother’s first child. There was no way I was going to shed any tears on that special day. I thought I could be strong enough to mask my own disappointment. I wanted to be the parent who was bringing my child to the baptismal font, but I wasn’t going to let anybody see the pain on my face. I had told myself that this day was about my niece and the special gifts she was being given. What I didn’t tell myself was that it was okay to grieve as well.

Meeting my niece was precious. Holding her made me feel special. The hardest part, though, was when my daughter Joanna got to hold her new cousin. She swelled with pride and beamed from cheek to cheek. That’s when I had to fight back the tears. This picturesque moment should have been for my baby.

I had squelched the urge to cry; I decided that would be the only time I’d weep over the weekend. I didn’t think the Sunday morning baptism would affect me. What a lie I’d told myself. When the congregation began singing the baptismal hymn, the flood gates opened. I was crying because I hadn’t been gifted a child. I listened to the hymn and begged God to forgive my selfishness. As my niece was baptized, I heard the sweet gospel news that she was a forgiven member of the family of Christ. I was forgiven, too.

The focus of this day was not about my personal desire for a large family, nor about my barren womb. It was about God’s gift of a child. In my sinful pride, I had looked at the birth of my niece as a punishing reminder of what I didn’t have. Once I recalled God’s blessings of a child to my brother and his wife, then I could share in their excitement. All children are gifts from the Lord, and they should be celebrated. My niece had become my sister in Christ; that was reason for rejoicing.

Before my niece’s baptism, I told my brother that I might not always appear joyful. It was not meant to anger or remove myself from the family. Rather, it was going to be hard because I was mourning my own loss. He understood and was thankful that I could articulate my feelings to him. Share your feelings with your sister. Let her know that you’re nervous about the shower. You love your sister and want to be part of her special day; tell her that you do rejoice with her. And if you cry that day, it’s okay. Your sister will know that it’s hard for you, but she’ll appreciate even more your honesty.

During the shower, you will find yourself comparing your situation to your sister’s; this is normal. Remind yourself that this is a time of God’s blessing. Find ways to occupy your mind. Help write down the gifts; offer to help with refreshments. These activities will help keep you focused on the blessings God is giving.

Yes, baby showers and baptisms are difficult times. However, they are also reasons to give thanks to the Lord for His generous love. Children should be celebrated for what they are – gifts. While you may not have children of your own, you are God’s child. You are a gift to your parents and to those who love you. That’s something to celebrate.