Adoption

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family. The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family. My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption. Thus began the flood of questions: Domestic or international? How do we find a Christian, reputable agency? How expensive is the process? Do we have a gender preference? Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt? What about special needs children? How long will this take? Will an adoption actually happen for us? How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents? Is this the right decision? Are we giving up on biological children too quickly? Is there something else we should consider first? Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more. We prayed and talked a lot. It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us. Some of my thoughts went like this: To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children. I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child. I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation. If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path. In hindsight, that was so misguided. I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children. God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions. It’s very natural to have questions. And doubts. Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you. He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing. God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death. If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry. And so we can take that hurt to Him. He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did. We prayed and prayed. My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision. If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt. After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork. Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork. We still question our decision to adopt. We wonder if we should be doing something else. Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs. He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens. He has blessed me with a wonderful church family. I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one. For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process. May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow. For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations. God loves you always. And you never have to question that.

Adoption Guilt

Question Submitted: I had been feeling alone in my guilt over my lack of drive to get into the adoption process now that it has been 6 years since my husband and I started trying to have children, with no success. I realize now that I am not alone in my guilt over what I feel is selfishness. The other day a woman who, along with her husband, are in the same boat as us, said the exact thing to me that I have been thinking, “I feel selfish for not adopting.” I told her that we would need forgiveness no matter what decision we make for our situations. Maybe we are not meant to adopt, and THAT would be the wrong decision. Either way, we pray for forgiveness and know that we have that forgiveness in Christ. I say this, and I know this, but I don’t always REMEMBER this. Have you heard from others talk of guilt over not diving head first into the adoption process? Are others paralyzed with fear over it as I am, or not motivated to adopt, as I may also be?

You and me both, sister.

I feel all kinds of guilt: guilt for having a womb that bears no fruit, guilt for not making my husband a father, guilt for not making my parents grandparents, guilt for not having a family that looks like that of my friends, guilt for not being worthy to receive a red carnation on Mother’s Day, and the list goes on and on.

I have earned the rank of Eagle Scout in guilt.

So, let me take a shot at defining the guilt and tension you might be feeling surrounding the question of whether or not to adopt: You know from God’s Word that He wills for us in marriage to be fruitful and to multiply (Genesis 1:27-8). You know that children are the blessed fruit of the one-flesh union between a husband and wife (Psalm 127:3). And, you also know that, for whatever reason, you and your husband have been unable to procreate. So, what now? Is having children a law from God you must obey?* Are you obligated to find an alternative method of having and raising children? Do you need to adopt a child to please God?

No.

Adoption is not intrinsic in God’s design of procreation. Adoption is a matter of free will. When a husband and wife are unable to conceive in the one-flesh union, God does not require them by law to adopt children into their family. If a husband and wife decide they would like to adopt, that is great. If a husband and wife decide they would not like to adopt, then that is great, too.

I think a big source of our guilt surrounding the question of adoption stems from the conviction that, in Christ, we are to serve our neighbor. God’s Word even compels us to care specifically for the needs of widows and orphans. However, adoption is not the only way to care for those needs. In other words, we do not need to adopt our neighbor in order to serve him. There are many ways to serve, even mother, our neighbor without signing legal paperwork in front of a judge. We can faithfully pray for the children in our church. We can help a single mother (or pastor’s wife!) wrangle her children in the pew week after week. We can serve as godmothers to precious saints. We can bake cookies for Vacation Bible School and make baptismal banners for our brothers and sisters in Christ. We can teach Sunday school and lead the children’s choir. We can attend the local ballgames and cheer on our favorite little people. We can babysit the children of our friends for free on a Friday night so that they can have a much-needed date night. We can buy Christmas presents for underprivileged children. We can write a check to financially support a seminarian’s family. (You and I could spend all day brainstorming ideas.) Think about your specific talents and gifts. How can you use those gifts to serve your neighbor?

Another source of guilt surrounding the question of adoption can come from wanting to please others. How many times have you confided in a friend, family member, or acquaintance that you are barren only to be immediately told, “You should adopt”? Suddenly, you feel like you are supposed to adopt simply because the world thinks you should. Yet, the fullness of our quivers has never been determined by the expectations of others. Children are a heritage from the Lord, gifts to be given and determined by Him, not by your circle of friends. In fact, children are still a heritage from the Lord, whether those children are birthed or adopted. Even if you choose to adopt a child, even if you begin the paperwork and make it through the home study, you will still only be given (or not given) a child according to our Lord’s perfect will and in His perfect time. [Kristi and Rebecca have both written eloquently about this in their respective posts, More Paperwork and Thy Will Be Done…(but what is it?).]

It helps me in those moments of societal pressure to remember that most of those well-meaning people simply want to see me happy, and adoption – to them – seems like the easiest and simplest way of making me a mother in my barrenness.

Now, about that guilt. What are you to do with it? Pastor Schuermann wants me to tell you this:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.” Psalm 103: 10-14

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Adoption is a good thing. The reality is that there are plenty of children who need parents to love them and bring them up in the Faith. Yet, not everyone is called to be parents through adoption, just as not everyone (because of barrenness) is called to be parents through conception. If you and your husband come to the conclusion that adoption is not the right path for your family, then let go of your guilt and pray that God would provide parents for all children in need. Then, go out and serve your neighbor in all peace, joy, and in the full knowledge that Christ has perfectly served you on the cross.

* This is not dismissing the reality of procreation as a part of marriage. Avoidance of procreation in marriage raises other issues that are outside of this discussion.

Thy Will Be Done…(but what is it?)

Our first adoption was so easy. From the beginning of the paperwork to the day we brought Caleb home was less than nine months. The entire process couldn’t have gone smoother. This experience gave us a false assurance that we were back in control of our lives. We knew how to write a good birthparent letter, we had a cute album and therefore we were picked within just a few months. No sweat. Too bad those other poor couples didn’t have it altogether like we did.

Fast forward seven years to adoption #2. We’ve learned our lesson. We now know beyond a doubt that we are not in control. Everything was submitted more than two years ago and we have finally reached the point where we have been waiting longer than any other family at our agency (which I realize is not that long, compared to what so many others have experienced). Because the birthmothers are the ones who choose which family they like best, this brings us to an unsettling realization—no one wants us.

We certainly must have done something wrong with the paperwork or the album, then, right? In fact, out of pity for us the agency recently made some suggestions for changes, such as updating some of our photos and possibly adding some more color to the scrapbook pages.

“That’s it!” I thought sarcastically after getting off the phone with the social worker. “It’s color that’s the problem. More color will solve everything. Lack of colored paper is keeping us from getting another baby. How could we have not seen this earlier??”

The entire process of adopting a child is saturated with decisions that are agonizing to make at the beginning and that cause you to constantly doubt yourself from that point forward. When the decisions have all been made and you get no referral after a few months you start torturing yourself again over what you might have done wrong. “I shouldn’t have said that we homeschool. Birthparents might think that’s weird. We should never have chosen to do foreign adoption. Everything is too uncertain. My profile really isn’t that interesting—don’t I have more hobbies than that? Should I take up some new hobbies?” Ridiculous though it may sound, these are the thoughts that come to mind. These are the thoughts that can haunt you and keep you up at night.

It’s very easy to get caught up trying to guess what the right choice is and what God wants us to do. And yet that kind of thinking only increases the stress that’s already there. Not only is it unhelpful, it’s completely unnecessary. Do you want to know what God’s will is? Here’s a great answer from an article in the book Lutheranism 101:

[God’s] will for your life is clear: ‘Repent and believe in the gospel’ (Mark 1:15). So many people are tormented, trying to figure out what God’s will is. They doubt their decisions. If a decision turns out badly, they think that they have disobeyed God. But there is no need to be uncertain. God gives you His moral Law, which is written clearly in Scripture, and He gives you the Good News about Jesus. Beyond that, He gives you freedom…

To find certainty about God’s will for your life, don’t look at your heart; look at His Word. Where He has not spoken, you have freedom. In those cases, use your reason. Then you can have certainty that what you are doing is acceptable to Him, even if your decisions go wrong. (p. 55-56)

You see, the hundreds of decisions we make pertaining to adoption can be made with confidence, logic, and assistance from wise friends, relatives and your pastor. Don’t think you can afford a foreign adoption? Then domestic is where you need to focus your efforts. Not sure you have the resources to properly raise a child of another race in the small town in which you live? Then leave that part of the checklist blank. It’s OK.

In Romans chapter 8, we are comforted by the promise that God is working everything together for our good. He has given you freedom to make plans as you see fit and He will take those plans and either fulfill them, alter them, or show you something completely different that He knows is just right for you.

So rest well tonight, my sisters, trusting that the Master weaver is taking all your decisions and plans and weaving them into a beautiful tapestry, according to His will, which has yet to be revealed to you. And while you rest, I’ll be up late, taking the advice of our wise social worker by adding new photos to our album and—you guessed it—a lot more colored paper.

More Paperwork

When our daughter Joanna was 2 years old, we hoped to become pregnant again. After several unsuccessful months, our doctor had no clear answer for not being pregnant. Jerome and I discussed and prayed over our options for growing a family. We knew several friends who had successfully adopted children internationally, so we decided to go that route.

In 2006, we began the long road to China. We still haven’t been there. We’ve done the homestudy, plus all of the yearly updates. We’ve done fingerprinting on the state level and the national level. (Yes, we’ve been inside Homeland Security.) We’ve visited our doctors, written down our parenting philosophy, and paid some money along the way.

This week I received the paperwork for doing our yearly homestudy update. I could fill out the paperwork in my sleep. I could get really frustrated, and sometimes I do. However, I’m not going to give up on this adoption possibility. I am hoping and praying that God allowed Jerome and me to get into this line to bring home a beautiful child to our family. I hope and pray that we are able to fulfill our roles as parents to Joanna properly, as well as care for more children.

It’s easy to become disappointed, frustrated, and depressed while waiting. There seems to be a lot of paperwork done, and we’ve yet to see any sort of progress. I’ve had some really low days, but that is the time when I’ve been on my knees in prayer as well. I know that our Heavenly Father looks out for me, and by His grace, He has blessed me with a faithful spouse and a baptized daughter. I did NOTHING to deserve any of those things. They are all gifts.

And so I continue to fill out the paperwork. I thank the Lord for each day to live in His grace. I pray that the child that He has chosen for us will come soon. In the meantime, I pray for this child as I fill out the adoption papers.

God Gives Babies Faith

The following poem, originally written for children, articulates how we receive faith. Also, it hopes to answer questions that parents who’ve lost their little ones might be pondering. For my barren sisters, you are an integral means by which God uses to bring the faith to the Church. Scripture highlights and supports each stanza, and the explanation at the end attempts to fill in any gaps. By God’s grace, may this poem edify and encourage us in the comfort of the Gospel. – Melissa DeGroot

Before the world was made,

God had us all in mind.

Even before we strayed

A union was designed.

“even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love.” Ephesians 1:4

Some think faith is hard

to have at certain stages

But God tells us the truth

Jesus ignores ages.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:15-16

As babies grow in wombs,

Miracles have begun.

Our Father creates life,

So we might know His Son.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

All babies (and we) need Jesus,

Since sin has entered all.

Though babes look cute and sweet.

We’re all part of the Fall.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus” Romans 3:23-24

Good news! There’s forgiveness

Even when in the womb.

So as God’s Word is spoken

There’s rescue from sin’s gloom!

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Psalm 139: 14

And babies can have faith,

when they are very small.

They need not yet be born,

Or to be very tall!

“And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.” Luke 1:41

Since babies need protection,

God makes his presence known.

His angels always guarding.

They’re never left alone.

“Jesus said, “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.” Matthew 18:10

God also gives them parents,

To bring them to the Word

So when they are at home or Church,

The voice of God is heard!

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

God also teaches parents

“Bring children to the font.”

So they may be baptized.

More gifts, who doesn’t want?

Jesus said, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[1] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” Matt. 28:20

“Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” Mark 16:16

“For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ” Galatians 3:26-27

His gifts are never ending

In the world and Church

Just because they’re babies

God won’t leave them in the lurch.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!  You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar.” Psalm 139: 1-2

How little ones believe?

What a miracle, too!

The Holy Spirit brings them Peace

To know the cross is true!

“At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children.” Matthew 11:25

As you can see, babies are

quite precious in God’s eyes.

They need not know how to speak,

He loves them in their cries.

“but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 19:14

God seeks the babies out,

This is just what He does.

He creates faith in them

And loves them, just because.

“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” Psalm 139:5-6

For Parents/Caregivers-Faithful Christians

God is certainly at work in, with and under children, even before they are brought to the baptismal font. When a baby is conceived, we recognize that God the Father is the Creator of this life. The blessing and power of God’s Word is that He shapes the faith in all of us, no matter how old we are.

God’s Word does instruct us to be baptized, no matter what age, in order that we may point to yet another gift and promise that our loving God provides…namely the certainty of Christ clothing us in His righteousness unto eternity. But it is not necessary for faith-for those who may worry about the faith of children in miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death. As Christians, we look to God’s promises in these instances, namely that His Word does not return void (Isaiah 55:11) and His angels are guiding and directing all little ones to receive faith in Jesus (Matt. 18:10). While baptism gives us the certainty of eternal life, Christian parents can always declare the hope of the resurrection for children who die before them if baptism is not present. This is always our comfort; in what God does in and through His Word, not what we or our babies do.

We understand some parents may not be Christian. Also, some children may just have one parent, or none at all. God is certainly watching over all of these things. Parents are a gift and we pray children are given intimate and faithful instruction in God’s Word by them. However, faith in Christ can and does certainly come apart from parents through other means; pastors, guardians, teachers, friends…Whomever God sees fit to use for the sake of the Gospel in these young lives. My barren sisters, this means you. You are an integral means called by God to love and cherish the Church, for mutual comfort and support in Christ.

May this story be a comfort to all who question how faith comes to us and little ones. God Himself, by Himself and His means, makes Christians of people. He is faithfully after the helpless, lost, weak and suffering. This, of course, includes everyone… and especially babies.

Praise and thanks be to God!