Grief

+Anastasia+

Thank you, Pastor Chepulis, for writing these words of comfort and for sharing them with us for our benefit:

On July 5th, 2011, I stared at the deafeningly silent ultrasound monitor.  I watched the technician stoically glare at the screen, her foot nervously shaking.  No heartbeat.  The only sounds were the rapid thumping of my own heart and the gentle humming of the ultrasound machine.  We learned our first child had died around the tenth week of pregnancy.

We went back to the hospital very early the next morning to have the child surgically removed- an extremely long and silent 85-mile drive to Grand Forks, ND.  Then, the following week, my wife Amy and I, along with our families, gathered at the cemetery of St. Paul Lutheran Church in rural St. Thomas, ND, where our circuit counselor officiated a grave-side service for our little one.  

David confesses, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalm 139:13-16) God creates life; life that begins even at the earliest stage of development. 

God saw our little one as she was being intricately woven together.  He lovingly formed her body and imparted to her a soul.  Our child is a person created by God; a person for whom Christ Jesus suffered, died, and was raised again; a person who is loved by God and her mother and father.

There is Gospel for faithful Christian parents.  Not that the faith of the parents save their child, but as parents who prayed for the child and brought him or her to church, Christian parents are to be distinguished from those of other religions; and Luther certainly sets his thoughts this way. 

A good friend of Luther’s, Rev. John Bugenhagen, wrote a commentary on Psalm 29 and in the appendix to his book Luther wrote about Christian women who suffer  miscarriages, “…because the mother is a believing Christian it is to be hoped that her heartfelt cry and deep longing to bring her child to be baptized will be accepted by God as an effective prayer.  It is true that a Christian in deepest despair does not dare to name, wish, or hope for the help (as it seems to him) which he would wholeheartedly and gladly purchase with his own life, were that possible, and in doing so thus find comfort…One should not despise a Christian person as if he were a Turk, a pagan, or a godless person.  He is precious in God’s sight and his prayer is powerful and great, for he has been sanctified by Christ’s blood and anointed with the Spirit of God.  Whatever he sincerely prays for, especially in the unexpressed yearning of his heart, becomes a great, unbearable cry in God’s ears.  God must listen, as He did to Moses…”  (Luther’s Works: AE Volume 43; Copyright 1968; Fortress Press; Published Concordia Publishing House; Saint Louis, Missouri, page 247, 248)

The Lord has heard the prayers offered on behalf of the child by her mother, father, friends and family.  Prayer isn’t simply psycho-therapy to make one feel better but they ascend to God like sweet incense, and He is, indeed, moved by them.  We don’t just wag our tongues in prayer, but God Himself has promised to hear them.  

We have been given hope and comfort from a God who hears the petitions offered to Him  by His people; hope and comfort that flow from the grace and mercy of our Lord, who came to earth, died on a cross for our sins, for even the sins of our little child.  He went to the deathly grave, but it couldn’t hold Him; rather, He was spit back out.  Jesus has conquered death and the grave for us.  He is risen and has given the promise that all who trust in His work of salvation we will be raised to new life in Him on the last day. 

What a gift our Lord has given us!  Forgiveness, salvation, and eternal life graciously given to us through the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Gifts He continues to give through Baptism, the Lord’s Supper, and the precious Word of His Gospel.  All the benefits that Jesus won on the cross are given to us through these ordinary means; gifts that our child was given, even as she was developing in the womb.

Though our child, of course, wasn’t baptized, her mother dutifully brought the child to church where the Gospel was preached.  The child wasn’t sprinkled with the waters of baptism, but was immersed in the Gospel each Sunday and in our home devotions.  The Word is active and alive.  It creates faith and trust in Christ.  “Faith comes by hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ,” Paul writes in Romans 10:17.  The Word of God is powerful and efficacious enough to penetrate the womb and enter the unformed ears of a child.  

It is interesting to note that when Jesus healed the deaf and mute man (Mark 7:31-37), the Lord opens his ears by speaking.  Jesus said to the man, “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be open” and it was so.  The spoken Words of Jesus were the cure for the man’s deafness and his sin.  At the command of Christ, His Word entered into the ears of a deaf man and caused, not only his ears to become open, but also imparted to him faith.  The tongue that Jesus loosed immediately began to proclaim Christ.  As the Word of God entered and restored a deaf man’s ears, so too has it entered the unformed ears of our child.

Our child, even in the womb, was given faith in Christ.  She trusted in a Lord who redeemed her.  Some might say, “How can a child know of such things?”  Faith and knowledge are two very different things.  A small child can have faith, but not theological knowledge and a person can have all the theological knowledge in the world but lack faith.  We’re not saved by how much we know about God, but through the grace of God brought to us through Christ; that is received by the faith that He gives through His gifts of the Gospel, Baptism, and the Lord’s Supper.  (Matthew 19:14) “Let the little children come to me,” Jesus says.  Even a child so small can have faith.

David’s child is a good example of this.  After his adultery with Bathsheba, the child which resulted in this adulterous affair dies.  Not only does the child die, but he dies on the 7th day, (2 Sam. 12:18) one day short of being brought into the covenant of God through circumcision.  Yet David confidently says, “I shall go to him [his child], but he will not return to me.”  (2 Sam. 12:23b)  David looks to the resurrection where he will go to his son in heaven.  He proclaims the trust in a merciful God who has received David’s child.  David also makes his confession in the resurrection, that he will see his son again in the flesh.  There, at the joyful reunion in Paradise, we will see our child again.  What joy to know, what a wonderful promise we’ve been given. 

That’s what the Lord does.  He doesn’t always give us answers to all our questions, He gives us promises.  He promises that though we are sinners from conception, Christ has paid for our sins and the sinful nature we inherited from Adam’s fall.  He promises that on the last day, He will raise all the dead from their graves and give eternal life to all who trust in Christ.  This is our hope and joy.

A hope and joy that we wish to confess.  We don’t know the gender of our child but regardless of gender, we decided to name our child Anastasia.  The name Anastasia comes from the Greek word ἀνάστασις (anastasis), which means “resurrection.”  Whenever we think of our child’s name, we remember the promise the God has given.  The remains of our child that we recently buried won’t remain there forever, but will be raised again out of the grave and we’ll see our child in the flesh.  We look forward to seeing Anastasia again at the glorious return of Christ, when He will return to resurrect and bring to Himself all His faithful people.  We take great comfort that death has been swallowed up in Christ’s victory.  (1 Cor. 15:54b)  

Hope and joy, even in the death of a child.  God has heard our prayers, worked faith through His Word, and has given eternal life to one so small.   We commend our child to a merciful God, who has conquered death for you, me, and our child; looking to the resurrection of all flesh and the joyful reunion in Paradise.

Rev. Mark Chepulis
Our Savior Lutheran Church, Cavalier, ND

Interview on “Studio A”

Thank you to KFUO Radio and Roland Lettner for interviewing two of our site hosts on the “Studio A” program yesterday afternoon. We hope you’ll have a listen, too.

Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file. (Our interview begins at 29:10.)

Or, if you would like to learn more about KFUO Radio and the “Studio A” program, click here. (To listen to our interview from this link, click on the hour 2 MP3 file of the Wednesday, September 7th broadcast. Our interview starts at 29:10.)

No Bus for Me

Comment Submitted: I turn 44 this month, and all I can do is cry. I feel, as a barren woman, like everyone has caught their bus in life, and I am alone at the bus stop with no bus for me. I tremble at the thought for the rest of my life I have to hear the words, “How many kids do you have?” and that I have to  mumble, “None,” with a lump in my throat – for the rest of my life! I am a Christian who loves God and often wonder why He left me out. 

My dear sister, do not hold back the tears. Your barrenness is one way that creation groans in response to the disease of sin (Romans 8:22-23), and it is unfair and painful and confusing. Of course you feel left out! Though, it is not God who has left you out but the messed-up, miserable ways of this fallen world.

Here is the hard truth: Outside of giving you the Child Jesus to save you from your sin, God has never promised in His Word to give you a child of your own.

Yet, God promises you so much more, and – joy of all joys! – He keeps His promises. God promises to love you (John 3:16, Romans 5:8); God promises to save you from your sin (Matthew 1:20-21, Mark 16:16, Romans 6); God promises in baptism to adopt you into His family and make you an heir of heaven (Galatians 3:26-4:7); God promises to never leave you but to faithfully come to you in church through the reading of His Word and in the Holy Supper (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 18:20, Exodus 20:24b, John 1:1, Matthew 26:26-29); God promises to provide all that you need to support this body and life (Matthew 6:30-32 and 10: 29-31, Colossians 1:17); and God promises to work all things, even your barrenness, for your eternal good (Romans 8:28).

Sometimes in our grief and suffering, even though we know and trust in these promises of God, it can still feel like God has abandoned us. Thankfully, God’s love and care for us exists apart from how we feel. God is present, whether we feel Him or not, because He promises never to leave us (Hebrews 13:5).

On those inevitable days when your flesh deceives you and makes you doubt the presence of God, remember that you cannot increase your faith of your own doing. Faith is a work of the Holy Spirit within us through the blessed means of His Word. It is for this very reason that I urge you to be in church regularly and to go talk with your pastor about your suffering. Let Him speak those faith-increasing Words of God into your ears, so that you may be truly comforted and strengthened unto life everlasting.

“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing;
heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O Lord – how long?
Turn, O Lord, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?
I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord accepts my prayer.” (Psalm 6:2-9, ESV)

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

I’ve asked myself that question time and time again. I seem to experience various stages of grief throughout the year. I never can tell when the feelings are going to surface.  Different situations stir up hurt and anger and sadness. I see the new mom in the store, her baby sleeping peacefully in the car-seat. I see the teenage parents, holding their toddler’s hands. I read the birth announcements in the newspaper. These things all create a longing, a hunger for a child to grow inside me.  And I wonder: When will the pain ever stop?  When will I finally be “at peace” with my current station in life?

It’s really a control issue.  I want to be in control of my life, and I want to direct what happens to it.  I want to have another child, and it hasn’t happened yet.  Then I realize the greediness and selfishness of my thoughts and confess my sin.  God knows; He hasn’t abandoned me in my anger and sorrow and sin.  He forgives me and washes that sin away.  It’s gone.  And I am content with all the blessings that are already mine.

Until I see the new parents in church with their little bundle of joy.  And I want what they have.  Yes, I get those feelings of anger towards God while in church.  In church!  Why hasn’t He given me more children?  Children are gifts.  Why haven’t I received more of His gifts?

Here’s the truth:  I have received His gifts.  I have received His name in Holy Baptism.  I have received His very body and blood in the Lord’s Supper.

Why haven’t I received more children?  I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this:  God knows me, and He knows what is best for me.  He has already given me His best – His own Son Jesus – for ME.  I have already received so many blessings!

So… will it ever stop hurting?  I can’t answer that, but God knows my sorrow and hurt.  His own Son hung on a cross and was abandoned by the entire world.  God knows anger; His children have turned their backs on Him for years.  And still He loves me.  He knows my grief and my sorrows.  He loves me despite my anger towards Him.  He knows that I hurt, and He’s right there beside me.  He knows me, and that brings some comfort to my hurting soul.

But You’re Still Young!

Whenever new acquaintances learn that I do not have any children, the first response I usually get from them is, “But you’re still young! You have plenty of time to have a baby. Your time is coming.”

I’ve been hearing that for nine years, now, and each year it gets a little harder to hear. Part of me is thankful for the optimism of strangers, because deep down inside I really do hope they are right. But what if they aren’t? I often think of my barren friends who are past the childbearing age. What was it like when new acquaintances stopped making plenty-of-time-platitudes to them, when strangers could tell that their time had indeed passed? What kept them from despairing when all physical, worldly hope of ever carrying a child in their womb had gone?

I recently received the following email from a woman who is past the age of childbearing, and her confession of faith brought me great joy. How comforting to know that the same promises of God which console me in my barrenness today will continue to sustain and comfort me should I remain childless past the time of my own fecundity.

My heart goes out to you, since I am also barren. Even though I am 57 years old, it still is difficult to realize that God did not intend to give me the blessings of children of my own. From early childhood on, I only wanted to be a mother. That never happened. When it didn’t seem to be happening for us naturally, we explored first adoption, and then medical help, but neither were options for us. We waited too long and were considered too old to be considered adoptive parents by church and state social agencies, even though we were in our mid 30’s. Private adoption at that time meant that the birth parents would have all the say in how we raised our children, and we weren’t comfortable with that. We then went as far as we felt it would be God-pleasing in the medical procedures of that day and time. We finally had to accept that God’s will for us was His will for us!  Knowing that He loved us even more than we loved each other, we could look forward to whatever He planned for our future. 

Now, two decades later, I still mourn the fact that the infants I hold and the children I love will never be mine. God is good. My family is huge. There are new babies joining our family every few months. The most recent was born in June, and now we hear that another niece will be blessed with her second child in January. God has given me many nieces and nephews to love and cherish. However, it will never be the same as raising one of His precious lambs. 

So…we hold to God’s love for us and our love for each other. He has blessed us in so many ways! His wisdom is not mine, and that is good. He does know what is best for me, for my husband, for my family, and for you. Whatever God has in store for you will be a blessing to both you and to others. I pray He gives you a child, but only if that is His perfect will.


Collecting our Tears

The nurse was finishing up the preparations for mom, dad, and the new baby to leave the hospital and I was standing off to the side, waiting to play my part. The unique circumstances of their situation had given me the opportunity to be able to drive the happy family home from the hospital. The entire week prior had been filled with unexpected peace and contentment as I was caring for their other children, giving lots of hugs and rocking the littler one to sleep. It had been such a long time since I had had the pleasure of giving that kind of love. The Lord was keeping me afloat, allowing my heart to keep the unhelpful emotions at bay.

The hospital staff gave us the OK to leave. Mom and dad shuffled on ahead, careful not to strain their healing bodies, and I lifted the car seat, barely noticing the extra weight from the tiny body tucked safely inside. I left the room with a cheerful smile, grateful for the chance to be useful. After a few strides down the long corridor I had an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu. I had been here before. I had been in this place, carrying this car seat, heading for home with a new life. I had been here before a hundred times in my mind, in my daydreams—only in my dream the baby in the seat had been mine.

A wave of dizziness overwhelmed me as the intensity of the emotions that had been held back for so long seemed to slam against the wall that was holding them back. My surroundings blurred and I had trouble seeing the hallway ahead of me. Not yet, Lord, I prayed. I can’t lose it now. Not yet. Just let me finish what needs to be done. I frantically searched for something else to focus on, something I could use to mentally plug up the leak that had sprung in the dam.

How do you handle the tears? Do you welcome them when it’s a convenient time and let them come unstifled, knowing that you will somehow feel better—cleansed in a way—when the spell is over? Or do the tears make everything worse for you, causing you to fall into a depression that’s hard to get out of? So often we’re just not sure what to do with the tears.

Perhaps we should all get ourselves a lachrymatory.

I know—I had never heard of it either until recently. It’s a special bottle used to collect tears. In ancient times it is believed that they were used to collect the tears of mourners. In Psalm 56:8 King David even refers to God as having His own lachrymatory: “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”

David paints such a vivid picture for us of a loving God who is attentive to the most minute detail of our lives, who is ready and waiting with a bottle to catch every tear that falls from our eyes. The Lutheran Study Bible has a wonderful explanation of this verse.

God cares for His people and pays attention to their pain, fear, and grief. Though David tossed and turned in the night, stressed with anxiety, God has taken careful note of every single moment…God does not forget a single tear shed in grief…Such is the comforting depth of God’s love for His children. (p. 901)

The tears we shed in moments when we’re overcome serve more than just a biological purpose. They have a spiritual purpose as well. Just as the consumption of salt creates thirst in the body, these salty tears of sorrow should create in us a thirst for the Living Water, the Messiah, who told the Samaritan woman that whoever drank from this Water would never thirst again. He proclaimed to her and to you and to me: “The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life,” (John 4:14).

The barren woman who thirsts for this Living Water can find it in God’s Holy Word, especially the Psalms. It is here that the Holy Spirit calms her troubled heart by revealing to her the mercies shown to the Lord’s servant, David, a man who has likewise tasted the salt of his own tears. The Living Water from his Savior replenished his soul and poured over into thousands of words that quench our thirst still today, more than two millennia later. May we imprint these words into our hearts so that they would well up within us as we look to that eternal life that has been promised where “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away,” (Rev. 21:4).

The Book Is Now Available!

Now available through Lutheran Legacy!

Order your print copy here.

He Remembers the Barren by Katie Schuermann is a tender conversation with women in the church who wrestle with the issue of barrenness in marriage. Addressing questions frequently asked by those struggling with infertility, the author walks alongside the reader, relaying personal stories to both encourage and support those who are suffering. Issues such as control of our bodies, family planning, and the source of conception are examined through a theological lens, reminding the reader of her clear vocation in Christ and pointing her to the ultimate source of fruitfulness, vitality, and comfort, our Triune God.

With Psalm readings, beloved hymn texts, and collects penned by Dcs. Melissa A. Degroot, each chapter of He Remembers the Barren resonates on a devotional level that is pitch perfect for women struggling with the grief and shame which often accompany barrenness. This book also serves as a valuable resource for pastors, family members, and friends seeking to better understand the barren experience of a loved one.

John T. Pless, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Ministry at Concordia Theological Seminary and respected commentator on Christian ethics, has this to say about the book: “This is a book that is about Christ who alone is the source of our joy and hope, our life and peace. Katie does not hold out a Jesus who will fix the problem of barrenness but a Jesus whose favor for sinners reaches to the very depths of our being. As Katie so aptly puts it, fulfillment is found not in the womb but in Christ. Writing with tenderness and a realism shaped by the cross, Katie makes a lively use of the Gospel to draw her sisters away from the temptations to self-pity and despair to the sure and certain promises of the Son of God recorded in the Scriptures and proclaimed in sermon and sacrament. Only in Christ is there true contentment.”

The Difference

I recently had the joy of spending a few days this summer in the home of my dear friend in South Dakota. From dawn ‘til dusk, my friend’s five, little blessings ran around in baseball caps and tutus (sometimes at the same time) alternately playing doctor, reading books, putting together puzzles, working in the garden, and “helping” Mommy. My friend’s home is delightful chaos, and I found myself basting in the youthful commotion until my barren-weariness was good and tenderized from all of the love and attention.

I stayed long enough to need a load of laundry done, and my friend generously offered me the use of her washer and dryer. I popped down to her basement with my laundry bag in hand, and I almost tripped over my own dropped jaw at the sight of her laundry room floor.

There, sitting in an organized row, were six, full laundry baskets. Six! Upon closer inspection, I noticed that some of the laundry baskets even had extra baskets stacked underneath them. I counted them all. Sixteen. My friend owns sixteen laundry baskets!

All of those blessings running around upstairs obviously came with some dirty, back-breaking responsibility. Their life of playing and growing and learning resulted in my friend needing more laundry baskets than I have fingers on my hands. The term “mountain of laundry” took on a whole new meaning for me. I looked down at my wimpy lavender and lime green polka-dotted laundry bag and felt kind of embarrassed at its meager size.

I went upstairs and asked my friend, “Do you ever use all of those laundry baskets at the same time?”

She blushed. “Yes. Don’t tease me!”

“Um, that doesn’t warrant teasing. That warrants a maid!”

Here is the difference: I yearn for more laundry, and my friend yearns for less. I crave a little more chaos, and she craves a little more privacy. We can see the blessings and the burdens in each others lives. What a gift it is to know and trust that God in His wisdom and love gives both of us good gifts, and what a privilege it is to pray for each other and support one another in the body of Christ.

I hope my friend can come visit me in Dallas. I think she will be refreshed by the quiet and solitude of my home, just as I was refreshed by the perpetual, snuggly motion in her own. Though I may leave my laundry room door closed when she comes…

The Importance of Listening

Maybe you can relate. When I am grieving over my childlessness, I don’t want someone to explain away my grief. I also don’t want someone to offer practical solutions to my pain. I usually just want someone to listen.

When discussing this fact with my husband this afternoon, he drew my attention to the following excerpt on the importance of listening for the consolation of the brethren from Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together:

“The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them. It is God’s love for us that He not only gives us His Word but also lends us His ear. So it is His work that we do for our brother when we learn to listen to him. Christians…so often think they must always contribute something when they are in the company of others, that this is the one service they have to render. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking.

Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother will soon be no longer listening to God either; he will be doing nothing but prattle in the presence of God too. This is the beginning of the death of the spiritual life, and in the end there is nothing left but spiritual chatter and clerical condescension arrayed in pious words. One who cannot listen long and patiently will presently be talking beside the point and be never really speaking to others, albeit he be not conscious of it. Anyone who thinks that his time is too valuable to spend keeping quiet will eventually have no time for God and his brother, but only for himself and for his own follies.

…There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening, that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person. This is no fulfillment of our obligation, and it is certain that here too our attitude toward our brother only reflects our relationship to God…But Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God.” *

Amen.

* (Bonhoeffer, Dietrich, Life Together. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, Inc., 1954. pgs, 97-9.)

Gone So Soon


Death is a grievous disruption of the eternal life God has always  intended for His creation. So inarguably, the death of children most heinously depicts a world gone wrong. The robbery from raising and nurturing our little ones due to their untimely deaths (via miscarriage, stillbirth or otherwise) leaves parents seemingly mocked by Satan with this barrenness.

Just ask my sister-in-law, Sara.

Young and hopeful, Sara and her husband, David, began their marriage on May 25, 2002 like most Christian families; enjoying the gift of each other and looking forward to the days ahead where God might grant them children. And grant them He did. 

In January 2005, Sara discovered she was pregnant. Excitement naturally abounded in their family, but sadly, a few short weeks in, she suffered a miscarriage. They named this baby Emma.

The following year, Sara became pregnant again. However, the miscarriage occurred even earlier than the first. They named that baby Lily.

Less than a year later, Sara conceived in December 2006. She’d made it past the first trimester much to her relief. However, the nightmarish pattern once more descended, and the baby miscarried shortly thereafter. They named this child Joshua.

Sadness, confusion and helplessness understandably overshadowed Sara and David.

After three miscarriages in less than three years, Sara sought the advice of other doctors. Then one physician, Dr. Storey, discovered Sara was borderline Protein C deficient. This means blood clots a little too much, which causes insufficient circulation to what her system considers “unnecessary” parts of her body—including her uterus. Also, Dr. Storey told her she likely has Luteal Phase Defect; which means her body does not produce enough progesterone during the first trimester to force the body to stay pregnant.

When Sara conceived again for the fourth time in 2008, they were cautiously hopeful as her doctor prepared a specific treatment plan. Sara followed strict orders of minimal-to-no exercise, a baby aspirin to thin out her blood, and progesterone during the first trimester. She ever-so-anxiously nurtured their fourth child en-utero, and Hannah Lynn was born happy and healthy nine months later on December 13, 2008.

Finally, a child was born! Relieved and joyful, Sara and David were ever thankful to finally hold one of their children in their arms. So, when Sara conceived for the fifth time a mere 13 months later, back to Dr. Storey she went to care for this baby, too.

The first and second trimesters went very well. Adhering to the doctor’s orders, their fifth child–a boy they named Carter–was growing steadily and healthily. However, things took a turn for the unimaginable in her 35th week.

A baby shower on August 27, 2009 (Five weeks before the due date) lent itself to mixed emotions. Sara had had a doctor’s appointment three days earlier that affirmed Carter was fine, and yet, she hadn’t felt him move much at all that day. Sara went through the motions of the celebration, but was very preoccupied. The following morning, she called the doctor to schedule another visit. She didn’t even tell David, thinking her fears were getting the best of her. Unfortunately, it was one of  their darkest days that would follow several more. The visit confirmed that tragically, Carter Alan’s heart was no longer beating. Later that same day, they induced labor and beheld his perfect, still little body in the early morning hours of August 29, 2009.  Doctors discovered that the umbilical cord had become wrapped and tangled around his legs, which had cut off all blood and oxygen supply.

Even in the midst of such heartache and grief, Sara conceived a few months later, and they were blessed with a sixth child, Abigail Faith, born happy and healthy in September 2010.

Suffice it to say, the trauma of Carter’s death is, among all of their losses, a distinct grief still observed. Going through a pregnancy nearly full-term (where, in many cases, babies survive with medical care after week 28), enduring the labor pains and recovery, and dreading the reality that they would only be able to hold the shell—a perfect shell—of the son they once had, has been the source of much sorrow to this day. 

*****

Luther suffered the loss of a child–a daughter, Magdalena, when she was only twelve years old. What is so striking in his writings proceeding her death is his immediate, unshakeable confidence (“I rejoice that she is living with her Father in sweet sleep until that Day.1”), and pangs of melancholy that he remained here on earth. (“ ...the world’s contempt and hatred for the Word of Grace makes me disgusted with life and seeing anything in this horrible Sodom.2”).

Incidentally, Sara and David seem to have responded in kind. Sara shared with me two passages of Scripture that have comforted them since Carter’s death.

“People were also bringing babies to Jesus for him to place his hands on them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Luke 18: 15-17

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5: 3-5

What bittersweet joy the unshakeable confidence God has given Sara and David in the midst of such tragedies. It is truly a gift borne solely out of God’s Word–namely the Word-made-flesh, Jesus; who has called all believers out of darkness and into his marvelous light. It is Jesus who gives us faith. It is Jesus who gives us hope.  And.it is Jesus who beckons the little children –yes, Emma, Lily, Joshua and Carter–unto him into eternity. Just as God told Jeremiah He knew him before he was formed in the womb, (Jer. 1:5) so too, God knows all of His children! 

God remembers the Janes family and continueally abides with them as He does all His people, through His means of grace.  Trudging this weary, earthly trail together, God gives us the strength to carry on to our blessed ends and to bear each other’s burdens (Luke 5:6). If readers would like to contact Sara, she has offered her email address: wyjanes@gmail.com.