How to Care for the Barren

“Oh, Thou of Little Faith”

Question Submitted: I have been with my husband for 10 years now. To be honest we never used any type of sexual protection. I’ve been pregnant one time, very shortly, maybe for two weeks, and then I had a miscarriage. In 2009, and every year after, I have received prophetic words all from individuals who do not know that I was diagnosed with endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and an anteverted uterus. By faith I believe and speak that I am blessed through Christ Jesus. Therefore, I say I no longer have those diagnoses. Now, all have said the same thing, “The Lord is going to bless you and your husband with a child.” I believe it, have fasted and prayed and sought on the Lord concerning this. And, to God be the glory, He has given us revelation on the details of His will. He revealed that we are having a little girl and has even gave us a name. I have even seen what she will look like. Therefore, what is the issue?

What do you do when you get discouraged?

Growing up I didn’t desire to be a wife or mother, and then suddenly in 2008 the desire came along with all of the negative doctor reports. I know the desire to be a wife and mother is pleasing to my Lord and is from God, because, like never before, I have this wonderful & overwhelming desire to be a mother and to raise our children in holiness. Yet, discouragement creeps in, and this past week it came on hard. Insert a scene in which my husband is standing with a look of sheer helplessness as I stood in front of him crying, heaving, snot-nosed, shaking, emotional, with incomprehensible words spilling from my mouth. The only audible thing he heard was, “No one knows that even while I am up there leading praise and worship, I just want to cry, fall to my knees and cry, yet I don’t because I know my position requires me to minister to another at that moment…but it…(crying)…hurts…(crying)…sooo…oooh..oh.ooh(crying) bad…”

It was (to say the least) a moment that I know many who are waiting on the Lord to bless them have experienced from time to time. Yet sadly, I felt bad and called myself pathetic for not having faith and for allowing emotions to get the best of me. God had given me my visions of His will, therefore I should not be discouraged, right?

“oh thou of little faith..”

I said all this to ask: What do you do when you have done all that you know to do and are at a point where you feel so helpless that you are in a state of despair and close to giving up on the hope of having a child? I know that God is able and will bless, but how do you overcome the moments of impatience?

My dear sister in Christ, you are not of little faith. You are simply tired and worn out from bearing the weight of your cross of barrenness. It is exhausting to want something you haven’t been given, and it is even more taxing to put your trust in prophecies that have not yet come true. You are weary, my sister, not faithless.

Perhaps, some of your weariness comes from the task of discerning whether or not those prophecies and visions came from man or from God or from both? Perhaps your doubt is not in God but in whether or not the promise of motherhood is really from Him? I am not in a position to confirm whether or not those prophecies and visions concerning your own family life came from God, but I can tell you with assurance that God is not the only one who makes such prophecies and gives such visions. The devil, false prophets, and our sinful flesh are also eager to chime in with their own voices when it comes to the things we hear with our ears, see with our eyes, and feel in our hearts.

So, in what can we put our trust? We can put our trust and faith in the Word of God in Holy Scripture. That is the one, safe place where we can be certain that it is God’s voice we are hearing, not the devil’s. It is in His Word that God has most definitely revealed His will to you and your husband regarding what He has planned for your life, and you can put your faith in that even unto eternal life.

Here is the hard truth that comes from God’s Word: Outside of giving you the Child Jesus to save you from your sin, God has never promised in His Word to give you a child of your own.

Yet, God promises you so much more in His Word, and – Joy of all joys! – He keeps His promises. God promises to love you (John 3:16, Romans 5:8); God promises to save you from your sin (Matthew 1:20-21, Mark 16:16, Romans 6); God promises in baptism to adopt you into His family and make you an heir of heaven (Galatians 3:26-4:7); God promises to never leave you but to faithfully come to you in church through the reading of His Word and in the Holy Supper (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 18:20, Exodus 20:24b, John 1:1, Matthew 26:26-29); God promises to provide all that you need to support this body and life (Matthew 6:30-32 and 10: 29-31, Colossians 1:17); and God promises to work all things, even your barrenness, for your eternal good (Romans 8:28).

You have asked me the question, what do I do when I have done all that I know to do and am at a point where I feel so helpless that I am in a state of despair and close to giving up on the hope of a child? I CRY, all snot-nosed and heaving like you described above, trusting in God’s promise to wipe away every tear on the last day; I CEASE putting my hope in things which God has not promised to me in His Word; I CLING in faith to the promises God has given me in His Word, namely, His promises to love me, save me, and never leave nor forsake me; I WAIT on Him in prayer, trusting that whatever He brings my way is for my eternal good; I SEEK first His kingdom and His righteousness, believing that God’s grace is sufficient for even childless, barren, little me; and, I REST in the knowledge that God loves me and cares for me in Jesus, even when I fail to do the things I just listed.

You are loved by God in Jesus, dear sister, just as you are, with or without a child. We don’t always get the things we want in this life, but we do get the things we need. God promises that for us in His Word, and you can trust that promise to come true.

Comforting or Being Comforted

Many moons ago a friend inquired if I’d heard anything more regarding our adoption. I told her that we had no idea when or if a referral was coming. At that point, the tears started to flow for both of us. She told me that we were in her prayers, and I began weeping a bit more visibly. She continued and stated that she KNEW that there was a child for us. At that point, I had to turn the faucet off. I had to switch from being the “comforted” to being the “comforter.” I found myself reminding her that I have been given countless blessings already. I told her that our family size might already be complete and that I might need to learn to be content with that. She found herself agreeing with me and acknowledging that, yes, she’d heard me say that on previous occasions.

A small request: Please don’t make me comfort you when you are trying to comfort me. It’s difficult, and it feels a bit awkward.

True comfort comes from not having to filter what’s being said when you talk with me regarding my barrenness. I feel like I can actually let my guard down when a good friend carries the load with me and lets me grieve and mourn and be sad…and understands what all that entails for the life of a Christian.

No Library Left Behind

Have you ever looked for books on barrenness/infertility at your local library? It is pretty scary what titles come up on the search. The content is even scarier. Most of these books circulating in your community project a theology of glory onto childlessness which falsely ties a woman’s fertility to her faith in God. In other words, these books communicate that if a woman prays enough, grieves enough, yearns enough, and ultimately believes enough, she will earn God’s favor in a way that will force Him to give her a baby.

The truth: God has made no such promise to us in His Word, and this kind of book can lead a barren woman to despair. God loves us and provides for us in Jesus regardless of our parenting status.

Would you help me with something? I’d like to make He Remembers the Barren start popping up in women’s library searches. If you have the will and the means, would you please consider donating a copy of He Remembers the Barren to your local public library? All you have to do is walk a copy into your local branch and hand it to them with a smile. That’s what I did. Now, a book that offers the comfort of Christ to our suffering sisters is circulating in the Dallas Public Library System. Kind of cool, huh?

In fact, if you feel up to it, there are three people/institutions I think would benefit from receiving a copy of this book from you: your pastor, your OB/Gyn, and your local public library.

Thank you for your help!

At Least

There are two words a barren woman loathes to hear:

“At least you don’t have children and can do whatever you want.”

“At least you don’t have to pay for babysitting.”

“At least you’re young and have lots of time to have children.”

“At least you have one child. That’s better than nothing.”

“At least you won’t have to wait long to adopt. I mean, who wouldn’t want you to parent their child?”

“At least now you know you can get pregnant.” (after losing a child through miscarriage)

These two, little words do the opposite of what you expect. They sting rather than soothe. They set up a natural comparison between God’s divinely distributed gifts which more often than naught leads the listener to covet rather than to be content. Even when these two words are offered with the best of intentions, they still man-handle the listener into seeing the world from the speaker’s perspective, and no one feels comforted after being face locked, gorilla pressed, and clover leafed.

All in favor of scrapping this phrase from interpersonal communications, raise your hand?

Admonition and Comfort for the Barren

Emmanuel Press has graciously allowed us to make available for you on this site, “Admonition and Comfort for the Barren,” an excerpt from Starck’s Motherhood Prayers for All Occasions. Thank you, Emmanuel Press!

“Admonition and Comfort for the Barren” is an excerpt from Starck’s Motherhood Prayers for All Occasions, which was originally published in the English edition of Starck’s Prayer Book in 1921. Johann Friedrich Starck was an 18^th century Lutheran pastor, devotional writer, and poet in Frankfurt, Germany. He and his wife, Katharina, gave birth to seven children, of whom two survived.

Admonition and Comfort for the Barren

When God withholds children from married people, so that they say with Abraham: “Lord God, what wilt Thou give me, seeing I go childless?” Gen. 15:2, they should:

1. Reflect that in either spouse there may be natural causes of barrenness; for God does not bestow on all men the same qualities nor the same fruitfulness. If God has not placed this gift in them, they should be content with their condition, and believe that He is nevertheless their gracious God who loves them and is well-disposed towards them. Though a tulip has not as many flowers as a rose bush, it is nevertheless a pleasant plant to the gardener and the proprietor of the garden. How many shrubs adorn a garden, without bearing fruit, and yet we are glad to have them in our gardens. Thus barren spouses are also dear children of God, though He has not made them equal to others as regards fruitfulness.

2. They should remember that children are a gift of the Lord. If He withholds this gift from anyone, that person should not on that account murmur against God, nor grow envious when he sees that God gives to some more than to others. God is the Lord in His house: He dispenses His gifts according to His good pleasure. God has reserved for Himself three keys: the key to the grave, for nobody except God can raise the dead; the key that unlocks the rain in the clouds, for no false god can give rain, and no human being can cause rain; and the key to the womb, which nobody can open when the Lord has locked it, nor lock when the Lord opens it. However, if it is God’s gracious will to withhold from married persons the blessing of children, such spouses must give proof of their patience, resignation, and hope in their childless state.

3. Barrenness is not a sign of God’s wrath; for that God is not angry with them the barren may gather from the fact that God does not suffer them to lack other blessings: He bestows on them temporal gifts, such as health, daily bread, prosperity, and other blessings, which He does not give so lavishly to others who have children and whom He frequently visits with much sickness, sorrow over their children, and other afflictions. Moreover, God gives to the childless heavenly blessings, such as joy in God, peace with God, the righteousness of Jesus Christ, comfort, and spiritual delights. By all of these blessings He proves to them again that He is not angry with them; for a person who is in a state of wrath and disfavor with God must certainly go without these heavenly blessings.

4. Barren spouses should also consider that God is showing them a special favor by their very barrenness, because He knows the condition of their body and mind better than they do themselves. For although many married wives love children, God may know that they would be too feeble to give birth to a child, or to raise children, or to endure the cross of seeing their children go astray. The child might cause to the husband and to the wife much vexation and worry that might hinder them in their private and public devotions; yea, if God in His counsel should let the child die, that might cause the parents much grief. Therefore, since God knows the strength and weakness of men better than they do themselves, He shows them a special favor by leaving them go childless, although in their ignorance they may not regard it as a favor.

5. In particular, married persons should beware of trying to force God to give them children by their murmuring, dissatisfaction, and their importunate prayers; for in that case God may give them children in His anger. Either the mother who had murmured will lose her life or health through giving birth to a child, or if this does not happen, the child given her may turn out so ill that it causes its parents innumerable alarms, sorrows, and griefs, and puts them for the rest of their lives in a state of perpetual fear, sadness, and melancholy, all of which would be the results of their unreasonable petitions. May a son who had been obtained thus from God by unreasonable prayer afterwards became the cause of the father’s death and a scourge to his mother.

6. Godly wives should not misapply the saying of Paul in 1 Tim. 2:15, where we read: “The woman shall be saved in childbearing, if she continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.” For in this passage Paul does not say that wives shall be saved on account of childbearing. For we are made righteous before God and saved by the merit of Jesus Christ and for the sake of the blood which He shed for us, Rom. 3:28 and 5:1, and not by childbearing. For, if the latter were true, no maiden could be saved, which is contrary to God and His holy Word. But Paul has made this statement to comfort married women, telling them, namely, that although God has laid on them great pains in childbearing, because the woman suffered herself to be led astray in Paradise, and thus brought into the world transgression and sin, nevertheless God will aid and help them in childbearing; they are to be saved despite the fact that in the pangs of labor they feel God’s anger, provided in their condition they continue in faith in the Lord Jesus, in love towards God and men, in sanctification of life, self-discipline, and a Christian conversation. Accordingly, this passage speaks comfort to women in labor, and conveys to those who die during childbearing the assurance that notwithstanding the pains which have been laid upon them on account of sin they shall be saved. But this passage does not declare any cause for the salvation of women.

7. Married persons, moreover, should abide God’s time and persevere in prayer. Some trees bear fruit for the first year, others after several years. Accordingly, godly spouses should not abandon all hope. “Cast not away your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward” Heb. 10:35. Now, as God does not bestow temporal blessings on all men at the same time, so also with regard to this blessing.

8. In the connection married people should diligently beware of conceiving a dislike of their spouses, the wife blaming the husband, or the husband the wife; but they should reflect that it is God who withholds from them the fruit of the womb. Gen. 30:1. Accordingly, they should nevertheless love each other cordially and be content in God, because neither of them can alter matters without the favor, blessing, and will of God. Particularly they should beware of suspicion, jealousy, and disfavor, for instance, when friends, brothers, and sisters are beginning to make inquiries concerning the disposition of the property of childless spouses. But they should continue sincerely loving each other, and whenever this has to be done, dispose of their earthly possessions according to equity and charity.

9. If God withholds children from godly spouses, they should increase the more in the love of Jesus. While those who have children are often hindered by their children in their devotions, church attendance, and their spiritual edification, the childless can attend to the service of God unhindered and undisturbed.

10. Christians whose marriage God does not bless with children should regard the poor as committed to their special care: they should do good to godly children, clothe them, send them to school, and aid in their education. Such children will on the last day bless them as their fathers and mothers, and praise them before God, saying: These have clothed us, and given us food and drink. Matt. 25.

11. Sometimes God, out of love and mercy, does not bless the marriage of Christians with children because he foreknows terrible national calamities and visitations which are to overwhelm a city or country. He removes the godly before such calamities come, and puts His dear children to rest before the storms of affliction begin to blow, as He promised to do for Hezekiah, and as He did for St. Augustine. Now, if this is indeed a great mercy of God, it is also a merciful providence, if God does not give married people any children, in order that they may not behold the misery that is to come upon the world, as happened in the Flood.

12. Finally, married people may reflect whether they regard children as a natural gift or as a gift of God, which children, in fact, are. If they think that children are a natural gift which they can produce themselves, they are very much mistaken; and by withholding the blessing of wedlock from them, God wants to show to such married persons that it is not left to their choice whether they will have children, but that children are a gift of God, for which He wants us to pray. If Christian husbands and wives should here raise the objection that whoremongers and whores do not ask for children, and yet beget them, I answer: In that case God lets nature take its course to reveal the depravity of men, because such people do not unite for the purpose of begetting children for the glory of God, but to gratify their evil lust. Accordingly, godly wives should follow the example of Isaac, of whom it is written: “And Isaac entreated the Lord for his wife, because she was barren.” Hence Isaac understood quite well that children are not in every case a product of nature, but a gracious gift of God. Accordingly, the text continues: “And the Lord was entreated of him, and Rebekah, his wife, conceived.” Gen. 25:21.

On all these facts Christian spouses should diligently reflect, and thus guard against impatience and disquietude of mind. They should consider that, though their home is lonely and childless, they will, after their happy departure from this life, be received into the company of many thousands of holy angels, with whom they will rejoice forever at the throne of the Triune God.

Prayer

Lord God, what wilt Thou give me, seeing I go childless? O my God, I see that Thou bestowest on others the blessing of wedlock in abundant measure, but from me Thou hast hitherto withheld it. Lord, Lord, let me bear this with Christian resignation; let me accept it in patience as Thy gracious will. I know that Thou art an almighty God; Thou canst, if Thou wilt, easily give me children, and make me fruitful. I also know that Thou art gracious to me, that Thou lovest me, and hast never yet denied me Thy grace. Therefore I shall patiently submit to Thy will in this matter: Thou knowest best why Thou hast not yet bestowed this blessing on me. If I am too feeble for child-bearing, too negligent in the training of children, or too readily cast down by afflictions caused by children, I acknowledge Thy goodness, which wishes to spare me and not suffer me to be tempted above that I am able.

But if Thou dost not give me the joy which children bring, let me rejoice the more in Thee, loving Thee from the heart, and finding my pleasure and delight in Thee. Meanwhile, O Triune God, let me continue in faith toward Thee, in love toward my neighbor, and in the sanctification of life; yea, let me walk before all men in decency and uprightness. Let Thy Holy Spirit convince my heart more and more that this is Thy gracious will concerning me, and I shall submit to it with all my heart.

Meanwhile guard my heart against envy, suspicion, impatience, and dislike of my spouse. Let me love him nevertheless, cherish him as I would my child, and love him more than I would ten sons and daughters. If it be Thy will that I should wait a while, and that Thou wilt yet make me a fruitful mother, and remember me as Thou didst Hannah, convince my heart of this Thy gracious good pleasure concerning me. If Thou wilt not give me an heir, Lord, this shall be my heritage, that I observe Thy ways. Jesus shall be the Strength of my heart and my Portion forever. Lord, Lord, Thou canst do all things: Thou didst make Sarah and Elizabeth to conceive beyond their natural time, and it is a little thing for Thee to bless my wedded estate that has hitherto been barren. Lord, let Thyself be entreated by me, and I shall thank Thee for Thy gift to the end of my life, and will raise my child for Thy honor and glory; by Holy Baptism I will give it back to Thee. Let me not grow envious when I see that Thou fillest other homes with children, but let me show the more love, grace, and mercy to poor and abandoned children, clothe them, provide for them, and take care of the

O Lord, let Thy mercy be upon us, according as we hope in Thee. Cause us to rejoice; comfort us, help us, and, if it please Thee, give us children; however, not in Thine anger, not for our punishment, not for our humiliation. If it is for my benefit, grant me my prayer according to Thy mercy. But if such is not Thy good pleasure, I shall not wrest the gift of a child from Thee; yea, I will do nothing contrary to Thy holy will; I will not have any children either. Lord, I have poured out my heart before Thee; oh, choose for me what is salutary for me and pleasing to Thee. Grant that I may possess my soul in patience until Thou wilt reveal Thy help to me.

The will of God shall be my pleasure
While here on earth is mine abode;
My will is wrong beyond all measure,
It doth not will what pleaseth God.
The Christian’s maxim e’er must be:
What pleaseth God, that pleaseth me. Amen.

Hymn

Come, ye disconsolate, where’er ye languish,
Come to the mercy-seat, fervently kneel;
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.

Joy of the desolate, light of the straying,
Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure,
Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying,
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot cure.

Here see the Bread of Life, see water flowing
Forth from the throne of God, pure from above;
Come to the feast of love, come, ever knowing
Earth has no sorrow but Heaven can remove.

Where Is the Line?

Question Submitted: I realize we have all been given different gifts, but the gift of children (or not) is such a sensitive issue. I am blessed to have mine. How much of my joy in my children am I able to share with my barren friends without hurting them? I don’t feel I should necessarily hide my joy in my own children…but there is perhaps a line somewhere to consider.

The line is in God’s commandment to serve our neighbor. Here’s what it looks like:

I have a friend whose mother died of cancer several years ago. I know that every time I speak of my mother, go out in public with my mother, write something about my mother, or even post a status on Facebook about my mother, I am treading on sensitive ground. With my words and actions, I am calling to mind that which she has lost and possibly causing her to suffer. Because of this, I try to speak, write, and act in such a way that has her best in mind.

This does not mean I cease celebrating the gift of my mother. It just means that I know my mother is a precious gift I neither merit nor deserve, so I try not to boast of her in front of my neighbor. Instead, I thank God for my mother, try to honor her, and strive to live out my vocation as daughter in service to her.

Children are another gift from God, and they should be received with all thankfulness, joy, and celebration. Yet, God’s commandment still holds true: everything we say and do should be in service to our neighbor. So, my best advice would be to thank God for your children, delight in their accomplishments, and celebrate their milestones as they come and go, but do so in public with your neighbor’s best in mind.

(A quick note for my barren sisters: Children truly are a gift given from God, even when they are not given to us. It is a good thing when another baby is born into this world. I know it is hard not to covet the children of your neighbors, but I think you will find it easier to join in on the celebration of your neighbors’ children when you take an active role in their lives. Suddenly, their celebrations are your celebrations, their joys your joys. It can be hard to celebrate when you are always on the sidelines. Vocation makes all the difference. Just some food for thought…)

You’re So Lucky!

Another honest, empathic moment from our dear Joanna…

I wrote this a few years ago when a long-time friend and mother told me how lucky I was not to have any children. A product of the anguish of the moment, it came out like I was vomiting it onto the paper. It’s strange; when I read this now, I know that’s what I was feeling at the time, but I don’t find myself reliving those feelings. You would think that rereading it would open it all up again, but, at least today, it doesn’t. It’s strange how that works. I guess it’s kind of like my hysterectomy scar. The surgery happened, the scar is there, but the remembrance of the pain and the jaggedness of the scar have faded. Jesus has walked with me through it to the other side.

How Lucky I Am

“You’re so lucky!

You have free time

To go wherever you want,

And do whatever you want,

And you never have to clean up after kids!

I wish I were in your shoes!”

“You never get awakened in the middle of the night by a screaming child,

And you never spend time chasing toddlers,

Or changing diapers,

Or dealing with teenagers.

You have no idea how lucky you are!”

Maybe you’re right…I guess I’ve never thought about how lucky I am.

How lucky for me never to have felt life growing inside,

Or given birth,

Or chosen a name,

Or to hear “I love you, Mommy” from the lips of a child.

How lucky I am to have prayed each month for a miracle,

Only to have endless cycles come and go,

And hope forever deferred.

I’m lucky to have been poked and prodded,

To have had my private life put under a microscope.

And to endure endless expensive tests and surgeries,

In the hopes of a joy that never was.

How lucky I am to be told once and again to “Relax” or “Adopt,”

Or try this or that remedy;

And to be gracious to the people telling me,

Because, “People are just trying to help.”

How lucky I am to have had my only child die,

Its tiny life slipping away.

Knowing that I would give anything to stop it

But couldn’t.

I’m lucky to have never seen my husband’s kind eyes

Reflected in the eyes of our child,

To have never given him the child

That he, too, longed for and wanted to hold;

Or my dear parents the grandchild

That they secretly longed to see.

How lucky I am to walk through this life

Alone among women.

Never really fitting in.

First with the mothers, then the grandmothers —

Forever standing on the outside…looking in.

I’m lucky to have no children to nurture,

To teach all the things that I’ve learned,

Or to joyfully watch as they grow.

Learning a little bit more about life,

By seeing the world anew through their eyes.

How lucky it is that the days never change,

They go endlessly on the same

Each day until death.

No first steps, graduations, weddings, or grandchildren

Will ever fill my empty days.

I’m lucky to face all the questions,

Like, “Why did this happen?”

And “Will it ever be our turn?”

And “Was it something we did?”

…Or maybe something we didn’t do.

Oh, and “How long, and how much, and how hard should we try?”

“And what about adoption?”

These are lucky questions, indeed.

How lucky I am to watch the years roll by never changing,

Endlessly the same.

And to watch others taking for granted

The joys that I longed to know.

How lucky I am to face old age on this earth,

With only my husband, should God allow us long life;

And to wonder who God will send to care for us,

If something happens to one —

Or when we simply can no longer care for ourselves.

How lucky I am to have no one to remember who I was or how I lived

When I have passed from this earth.

To know that my possessions will be auctioned away to strangers,

And there will be no obituary to tell of my life —

Because obituaries are written by the children.

You’re so right…I am lucky —

If that’s what you mean by “luck.”

I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.

But I don’t think that’s what you’d want.

Through all of this pain, God’s love has never failed,

And I rest in His loving hands.

But every once in awhile I get tired

Of parents glibly telling me

Just how lucky I am.

False Hope vs. Loving Truths

Here’s what the world tells me:

1. IVF is the answer.

2. You’ve got years to get pregnant.

3. Your adoption is close; I’m sure of it.

4. You’ll be perfect parents.

5. Pray harder.

The world screams that I can control my fertility by following some simple steps. Try harder. Eat the right foods. Take specific vitamins. The list goes on and on.

False hope. That’s what those things are. They’re lies that make you feel better, not me. They’re empty promises that get my hope up.

I need the truth. How about this instead?

1. You are God’s child. He loves you as you are.

2. Children are gifts from the Lord.

3. God knows what you need, and you need His Son Jesus.

4. You are special to me.

5. I love you!

Loving truths. That’s what I need to hear. Tell me about Jesus, my Savior. Remind me that all good gifts come from the Lord. Share with me the good news that I am God’s child. I need to hear that my worthiness is not tied to my womb, but to Jesus, who was born for me and saved me from sin, death, and the power of the devil. It’s the truth. I can handle that.

What do I say this Mother’s Day?

Question Submitted: My friend and her husband were pregnant with their first child this year, but she miscarried. I would like to know how to approach Mother’s Day for her. I want to acknowledge the child that God created in her, but I also want to offer her sympathy in her loss. What words of encouragement would you suggest?

First, thank you for loving your friend enough to recognize that this may be a difficult day for her and for wanting to be there for her. She will treasure your thoughtfulness no matter what you say. I’m not terribly verbose myself, so I prefer the straightforward approach. What you wrote in your question was very sincere and completely appropriate. What if you said something like, “I know today may be tough for you. I’ve been thinking of you and how, even though it was for such a short time, God chose to make you a mother this past year. I’m sorry it was so brief. I just wanted you to know how much I care about you and pray for you, especially today. Can I (take you out for some dessert, come over for some tea, fill in the blank) to commemorate today?”

Maybe you were looking for something more encouraging or Scriptural, I don’t know. But speaking from personal experience, when people have come up to me to express sympathy and they give me a speech telling me things I already know, sharing with me some intellectual or spiritual knowledge, I don’t necessarily feel encouraged. I have the head knowledge, it’s just my heart that’s aching. When someone acknowledges the pain I’m in and tries to put themselves in my shoes in order to best reach out to me, followed by a kind action (or at least an offer) I see a sincere concern and I am comforted. I don’t feel alone then. This is, of course, assuming that your friend is regularly hearing God’s promises to her each week in church. If not, then it is absolutely appropriate to include these in your talk with her.

I’m sure that whatever you say she will be grateful.

Dear Pastor

Question Submitted: How can I use gift language in the church?

There are many opportunities for pastors to start using gift language in the church. One pastor in Illinois recently suggested to me that he could begin talking with catechumens about how the presence of Sin in the world can affect their First Article gifts, including the gift of children. I think this is a wonderful idea, not to instill a fear of barrenness in our youth, but to anchor them in a theology of the cross which helps them better understand suffering when it comes to them, as well as how to understand the suffering of others.

Premarital counseling is another opportunity for a pastor to practice using gift language. A pastor can talk openly with couples about the fact that children are a gift to receive with thankfulness from the Lord, and he can also discuss with them what to do if God in His wisdom chooses not to grant them children. Rebecca suggested to me a couple of months ago that pastors could teach couples at this time how to make use of the catechism, hymnal, and Scripture in their home, so that they will continually be reminded of God’s promises for them in this life, whether parents or not. She also suggested that pastors use this time to teach couples how to pray, not just for a child, but for the contentment to live a life of service to Him on whatever path He may choose.

Whatever is in store for these couples, conversations like these will establish a relationship with the pastor which opens the door for them to come talk to him about all of the private and potentially embarrassing challenges that can arise in the struggle with barrenness. In preparation for such conversations, it is important that the pastor stay up-to-date on infertility medicine. He needs to be prepared to advise barren married couples on ethical issues surrounding certain procedures that break commandments of our Lord, as these couples may never hear such information from their doctors. Thankfully, resources like Lutherans for Life and LCMS World Relief and Human Care make this an easier task for all of us.

Mother’s Day, a secular holiday that has worked its way into our Sunday services, is another prime opportunity for using gift language. Pastors can remind their congregations every second Sunday in May to celebrate all of the women who serve as mothers in the church: godmothers, aunts, school teachers, babysitters, sewing circles, LWML, secretaries, altar guild, VBS bakers, and every woman who faithfully lives out her vocation in service to others. We don’t want to minimize or dismiss the love we have for the mothers who bore and raised us, but Mother’s Day is the perfect time to properly recognize that motherhood is a vocation given by God, not an achievement rewarded by men.

When I ask myself, a barren woman, what would be the best arena in which a pastor could teach his congregation to use gift language, I immediately think of a weekly Bible class. Maybe in between teaching classes on Romans and Ezekiel it would be helpful to include a study on the barren women of the Bible. Here’s why: I am an ignorant sheep. I need a pastor to tell me what the Bible says. When I look at the stories of Sarai, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth in the Bible, I can’t help but read into their stories some kind of theology of glory. Maybe if I pray as hard as Hannah did, maybe if I had more faith, God would reward me with a child? Praise be to God a pastor told me the good news that none of those women in the Bible conceived because they deserved it but because they are all a part of the story of Jesus coming into the world. In their stories, we find more than just the comfort of a God who gives barren women the gift of children. We find the comfort of a God who gives a barren, sinful world the gift of a Savior, Christ Jesus our Lord!