Have crazy hormone treatments turned you into a roasted beet?
Do your eyes turn bloodshot when the gravity of your circumstances brings you to tears?
Are you red with embarrassment when you have to explain the vocation you currently hold?
Are your surgical scars still rosy?
Are your sins of envy, despair, and self-centeredness covered with the blood of Jesus?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you can consider yourself one of…
A long time ago, we talked about this, and not too long ago we talked about this.
Diane Lamberson, a lovely licensed clinical social worker I met at the “Caring for the Barren” conference in Houston last weekend, said it this way during one of our sessions:
“The platitudes we offer to a person who is grieving are an attempt to alleviate our own anxiety when we are uncomfortable sitting with someone else’s pain.”
Aha!
Okay.
I know that many of you won’t come out for presentations on barrenness that are open to the public, because you don’t want other people to see you cry.
But what if those other people were just like you? What if you could get away for a few days and retreat to a safe place with other barren women* for a time of rest, refreshment, and fellowship in Christ?
We are thinking about hosting a retreat called “The Great Getaway” for you, but, before we do, we want to make sure you actually want to come. Are you interested? If so, send us a quick message through the Submit a Question page and let us know your name, email address, location, and whether or not you would be able to travel somewhere in the Midwest.
It’s time to come out of hiding, don’t you think?
* Maybe you suffer from barrenness or secondary infertility. Maybe you are struggling through the grief of a recent miscarriage. Maybe you are wrestling with the legal paperwork of an adoption or silently waiting for your foster child to bond with your family. Maybe you have lost your husband and wonder if you will ever have the chance to be a mother. If any of these situations apply to you (and you are a woman), then you are invited.
I am waiting for Advent to begin, that blessed season of repentance when we in the Church reflect upon our need for a Savior.
I am waiting with Mary for the Child that has been promised to me, the Perfect One who exchanged my sin for His blessed righteousness.
I am waiting for the arrival of my dear friend’s adopted little girl, the little elephant whom we have been praying for and anticipating for seven, long years.
I am waiting for my godchildren to grow up in Christ, praying that God would preserve and sustain them in the one, true Faith unto life everlasting.
I am waiting for deliverance from my affliction, thanking God that I am medication and injection-free at the moment.
I am waiting for a child of my own, knowing full well that I may never have one.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus, for I am waiting.
For those of you out there who are still trying to figure out what God’s will is for you as a barren woman/couple so that you can carry it out, here is yet another reminder of what that phrase really means:
“Now that is the will of God which Christ both did and taught. Humility in conversation; steadfastness in faith; modesty in words; justice in deeds; mercifulness in works; discipline in morals; to be unable to do a wrong, and to be able to bear a wrong when done; to keep peace with the brethren; to love God with all one’s heart; to love Him in that He is a Father; to fear Him in that He is God; to prefer nothing whatever to Christ, because He did not prefer anything to us; to adhere inseparably to His love; to stand by His cross bravely and faithfully; when there is any contest on behalf of His name and honor, to exhibit in discourse that constancy wherewith we make confession; in torture, that confidence wherewith we do battle; in death, that patience whereby we are crowned; — this is to desire to be fellow-heirs with Christ; this is to do the commandment of God; this is to fulfill the will of the father.” Cyprian (ANF 5:451).
You see, it’s not about whether to adopt or try and fix the reproductive system. It’s not about whether to do foster care. It’s not about domestic versus international. This is all adiophora (things neither forbidden nor commanded). Do what makes sense to you, what you’re financially and physically capable of and what is ethical. God’s will has to do with what Jesus did, perfectly, in our place, because we are incapable of fulfilling it.
Rest assured that it was. It still is. And it will continue to be.
So stop fretting and just make that decision.
I was Mary Poppins for a week.
I blew into town on a nor’easter to care for two children. I pulled excessive items out of my bag. I administered spoonfuls of sweet stuff. I rode on a carousel. I drank tea amidst lots of laughter. I sang songs with a British accent. I even said supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards.
(Oh, yes. I did.)
What a blessing and joy to be able to fly in at the drop of a hat to help out other parents in their vocations, to laugh and spin and jump and sing with little people, to hug and console and discipline in the stead of others, and to fly back out on a swift wind towards another adventure.
I always wanted to be Mary Poppins, and God, in making me barren, made it so. That definitely helps the medicine go down.
Friends are having babies. Neighbors are celebrating a new grandchild. Teenagers are welcoming twins. We sit at home, in our quiet homes, alone. But take heart, dear friend, you are not alone in your suffering. Christians around the world have been suffering for years.
“Resist, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” (1 Peter 5:9)
Take comfort in the pastor’s words on this passage of Scripture: In such temptations St. Peter comforts the suffering Christians by telling them that they are not the only nor the first souls to be so tempted, as though they had to bear a peculiar, rare, and unheard-of cross and suffering and should think and feel that they alone had to bear it; rather they should know that all their brethren in Christ scattered everywhere have at all times had to suffer thus from the devil and his onslaughts because they were in the world. For it is an immense help and comfort when the sufferer knows that he is not alone but is suffering with a great multitude.
Therefore no man should regard his own anguish and distress as so horrible, as if it were new and had never happened to anyone before. It may well be new to you and you may not have experienced it before, but look around you at all the Christians in our beloved Church from the beginning to this hour, planted in the world to run the devil’s gauntlet and unceasingly winnowed and fanned like wheat.
For where God through His Word and faith has gathered together a Church, the devil cannot be at peace, and where he cannot achieve her destruction through sectarianism he strikes at her with persecution and violence, so that we must risk our body and life in the fight, and all we have.
From Dr. Martin Luther’s sermon on the third Sunday after Trinity in the year 1544.
“We’re not ready for kids yet. We want to be financially stable.”
“I want to have a successful career before we have kids.”
“I know I’m not mature enough to be a parent.”
“Our home is so small; we don’t have room for kids right now.”
“I think I would go insane if we had any more kids.”
Time and again, these comments have caused me to grieve. True, I don’t know the whole back story to each of the above comments. I’ve even had some of those very same thoughts. However, I would love to have a baby in my home to love and cherish. Comments such as these portray the idea that children are a commodity to purchase. These casual comments cheapen the treasure that is a child. A baby is not something we get “at our earliest convenience.” Sadly, society tells us that we come first. Therefore, the use of birth control helps us to plan the “best time” to start a family. There’s a to-do list of accomplishments in this life, and having children gets in the way of those successes. We want the big boat, the nice home, and a large financial savings. Once we get those things done, then we can think about a family. This thought process is sinful.
Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are not property to be purchased when we’re ready for them. Children are a result of God’s design for marriage. A child is a gift from God. Who says no to a gift, a really good gift? Sinners do. In our sinful nature, we desire to put ourselves first. We want what we want when we want it. We feel that nothing should get in the way of our success. We want a career advancement, a bigger home, a secure future. Yes, these things are all good. They aren’t so good when they become idols. When children “get in the way” of our personal success and achievements, then we have turned God’s gift of a child into a convenience.
O God, forgive our selfish thoughts and help us to treasure children as gifts. Amen.
Question Submitted: What do you think of NaProTECHNOLOGY?
My husband and I are actually trained in NaProTechnology. It was first presented to us ten years ago by our pro-life and Roman Catholic friends as an ethical alternative to the pill, and, in our self-acclaimed wisdom, we trained in it the summer before our wedding to ultimately avoid pregnancy in our marriage. For the next two years, I carefully charted and met with a nurse (year one) and a doctor (year two) for guidance and assessment. As you know, we were quite successful with the method.
We have since then used NPT to try to get pregnant, and it has not been so successful for us there. I was able, however, to point a few seminary friends suffering from PCOS to a local doctor trained in NPT, and some of them are mothers today.
My humble opinion: As an educational tool, I am not opposed to NPT. I learned a lot about my body that helps me cope with the ups and downs of barrenness today; however, you will notice that I do not publicly advocate for it. My main reason is that most people who ask me about NPT are not interested in using the method as healing medicine but as something very different.
My husband and I regret our decision to avoid pregnancy early in our marriage. Sometimes, I even regret knowing all the ins and outs of my cycle, hormones, etc. It is something I can never unlearn, and there are definitely days when I would rather forget all about it.
There is no good thing in me, not a single one. I have made myself into an idol and adored myself repeatedly. I have cursed God for not giving me more children. The Word and Sacrament have fallen, at times, on my deaf ears. It has been difficult to respect and honor parents who have been given numerous children while my bedrooms remain empty. My thoughts have wounded my neighbors, and I have been jealous of married couples. I have thought ill of others, whose homes are blessed with children. I am wretched. I am a sinner; I deserve death.
Instead, our gracious and merciful Lord deals gently with me. I am a sinner and should be killed. I have broken every one of the Ten Commandments… repeatedly. However, our compassionate Lord absolves me of my sin and grants blessing after blessing. In His great mercy, He gives children. There is nothing in me that deserves a child. I am evil, but still He gives. How humbling it is to know that Jesus covers my sin with His robe of righteousness and gives to me all good things. I am given Christ’s name when I am baptized; I receive the Lord’s forgiveness in His Holy Supper.
Perhaps I am even given a child. When I receive that good word, I am blessed. I am deeply humbled. The Lord has blessed me with riches that I could never have earned. Each and every child is a gift. 100% gift.
He Remembers the Barren 