Infertility

Misery

From our dear Joanna…

Today I had a lovely conversation with one of our church’s homebound members. This dear lady in her late eighties is widowed and mostly homebound due to severe chronic pain. Despite the suffering she endures each day, she is one of the most joyful and encouraging Christians I’ve ever met. As we got off the phone, I told how much I admire her and the beautiful, grace-filled woman that God has made her to be. It was then that she said something profound, something that I think is key to getting through the difficult days that all of us encounter: “Misery,” she said “is optional.”

As a barren women who’s now past the age of childbearing, I can tell you that this is true — misery is indeed optional. God’s mercy and goodness have been present every day of my life, but there were days when I opted for misery — opted to wallow, opted to feel sorry for myself, opted to push the limits of legitimate grief past its boundaries to the place of selfishness and self-pity. I wanted to feel sorry for myself, I wanted others to feel sorry for me, and most of all, I wanted God to feel sorry for me. In the end, the only person I made miserable was myself.

I think that as I go through my days, I will remember what my dear friend told me. Grief and pain are legitimate, but misery is optional. I opt for Christ’s joy and His peace that passes all understanding.

The Right Perspective

In the most recent issue of The Lutheran Witness, Janet Frese reminds us to view our present suffering through the lens of vocation. She is writing specifically as the wife of a deployed chaplain, but, as is true with most Christian suffering, her words of wisdom apply to any cross we may bear, even the cross of barrenness.

Being separated during deployment is an enormous sacrifice. You become a situational single parent, bravely juggling a myriad of new roles while praying fervently for your spouse’s safe return…Putting deployment in the framework of vocation gives perspective to some of its challenges. Vocation is found in your present circumstances, in the here and now – not where you wish you could be. Parenting alone is difficult and certainly not ideal, but for the moment this is what God has given you to do. Serving the United States in the midst of war is both exhilarating and frightening, but this is the work that God has given your spouse to do at this time…[W]hile you wait for your loved one to return, remember that God does not leave you to fend for yourself. He has given you a community of believers, and He gives you a unique vocation through which to serve others.

You, in your barrenness, have a unique vocation through which to serve others. Yes, you do. It may not be the vocation of mother that you want, but your vocations of wife, daughter, sister, friend, babysitter, knitter, lawyer, or whatever are still distinct, special, singular, and specific to you.

If you are not sure what your present vocations are, simply look around and ask, “Where am I, and who is my neighbor?” Your answers to those two questions will make everything clear.

(To read Janet’s full article, snag a copy of the August 2012 issue of The Lutheran Witness.)

True Compassion

My husband drew my attention to an article in the most recent issue of Gottesdienst. Think on Rev. David Petersen’s words:

Compassion leads to action, but is not action. It is identification and suffering with the afflicted. The old saw “misery loves company” usually means we like to bring others down with us, but we might turn it around a bit. We might see the example of our Lord and recognize that compassion loves by joining misery. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15 ESV).

Compassion moves the compassionate to action eventually. That action is often material aid, practical assistance, or comfort to relieve the afflicted, or the proclamation of Law and then forgiveness and hope in Christ. But even before the action there is the sympathy and identification. Sometimes, maybe most times, those who are hurting need to hear and know that their hurt is valid and is also unjust. Strangely, it is comforting to know that our mental anguish, our sense of frustration, and our anger are legitimate reactions to a sinful and unjust world…

The first response to suffering isn’t a solution or a fix, but pain. This pain carries with it the realization that nothing afflicts any of us that is not common to man or that our Lord Himself did not endure in the greatest and most terrible measure. This is different from gratitude. It recognizes that it could have been us, such as we hear in the oft-used John Bradford line: “There but for the grace of God go I.” That is part of it, to be sure. But compassion is suffering that is felt in the heart and mind because someone else is suffering and shouldn’t be. They are like sheep without a shepherd. That sad plight moves the heart of the observer first to pity; then comes gratitude and action.*

* Petersen, David H. (Trinity 2012, Vol. 20, No. 1). “Praying for Pity’s Sake.” Gottesdienst: The Journal of the Lutheran Liturgy, 9-10.

Speaking Of Car Trips and Cakes

It’s time. Oh, yes, it’s time. Rather than wait (and wait and wait) for a positive pregnancy test or a birth mother’s phone call or an adoption referral, it’s time to live. You are God’s child. He has created you and redeemed you.

So go for it. Stop talking about it and act on it. Plan the trip you’ve been wanting to take. Register for that cake decorating class. Learn how to crochet. Train for a triathlon. What is it that you’ve been waiting to do? Now is the time, my friend. This life is God’s gift to you.

Comfort Food

When I’m going through an especially rough patch, I eat. You know those times – waiting for test results, receiving “the call” about a friend’s new baby, being bombarded with questions about your family life, wondering when or if you’ll ever add to your family. In those moments, I rummage through my snack cupboard. (Yes, I’ve upgraded from a drawer to a cupboard.) I’ve eaten my share of chips and popcorn. I’ve licked the ice cream bucket clean. Then I feel guilty about eating all that stuff and finish off with some yogurt and blueberries.

While those food items may make me feel better momentarily, they don’t satisfy completely. Do you know what helps me even more? There’s food that satisfies even more than the salty and the sweet. It’s the Body and Blood of Christ. In Him is full and complete satisfaction. He gives me my daily recommended allowance and more. He knows exactly what I need to remain balanced and healthy. His food cleanses my body of sin and makes me whole again. I can have seconds and thirds and fourths. The Lord’s Supper is an unlimited food buffet. Now that’s comfort food.

The Truth

My husband reminded me the other day that we, in our fallen state, may be barren of children in this world, but we are not barren of God’s good gifts.

Shame on me for ever thinking that God’s tender love, merciful goodness, and blessed favor could only come to me in the form of a child of my own! God has already loved me, been good to me, and perfectly shown me His favor in the gift of Jesus.

And, while we’re on the subject, there are so many other good gifts which God daily gives me like the Church, my husband, family, friends, godchildren, a home, a Honda Fit named “Sylvia,” bountiful food and plentiful water, peaceful times in which I can freely receive Christ’s gifts of Word and Sacrament in public, joy, music, kind editors, a working washer and dryer, forgiveness of my sins, health insurance, watermelon, an attached garage in urban Dallas, salvation, portable box fans, muscle cardio classes at the YMCA, and peace which surpasses all understanding, even in my childlessness.

I may be barren, but I am not barren.

Sweet Breezes

We love getting questions and comments from all of you! Sometimes you empathize with us, sometimes you encourage us, sometimes you challenge us, and sometimes you write things we wish we had written ourselves:

Thank you for your website. By your own experience and Lutheran theology, you know the law and Gospel I need. I read the blog about defending multiple children as all gifts from God. I needed to hear that as law. I have been dealing with my barrenness by thinking about how much easier life is without children. That was wrong. Children are always a blessing from God. Thank you also for pointing your readers to the unwavering truths in Scripture: I am God’s child; Jesus loves me and is always with me; I am forgiven because Jesus died for me; Because He rose, I have the hope of eternal life. Thank you.

No, thank you! Your clear proclamation of faith in the goodness of God’s promises and gifts is a sweet, fragrant breeze in a bitter, stale world. I feel refreshed, already.

Baby or No Baby

You’re okay. Really, you are. Baby or no baby.

(Yes, I’m talking to you.)

In fact, in Christ you are more than okay. You are victorious. You are made new. You are eternal. You are beloved. In Christ, you are fruitful with or without a genetic reproduction of yourself.

So, cast all of that stress and anxiety about having a baby on Him who gives you life, saves your life, and sustains your life. Put a towel over your mirror and give your reflection a break. (No peeking!) Let’s not gaze at our navels today. Instead, let’s rest beside still waters in those luscious, green pastures to which the Good Shepherd has led us.

He who restores your soul will tend to all of your needs and disappointments and sorrows and joys, right now and forevermore, baby or no baby.

I promise.

For Better, For Worse

Summer brings a host of weddings. How often, though, do you listen to the vows? I mean, really listen.

I, Andrea, take you, James, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part. And I pledge you my faithfulness.

The bride and groom promise to love each other through a variety of circumstances. I never stopped to think about all of the times that would be included in the phrase “for better, for worse.” I knew that there would be rough patches, but barrenness wasn’t even on the radar.

My husband and I desire to fill our home with joy and laughter, and if it God wills it, children. Unfortunately, sin is a part of marriage, too. Our bodies are sinful and broken. Multiple children have not been given to us. That definitely falls into the “for worse” category. Children are God’s gift to give. Is there a solution? How about some kind of medical procedure? Does that procedure follow God’s design for marriage and family, or does it compromise God’s plan for the one man-one woman union?

No matter if children are part of our family or not, God has brought me to my husband. Yes, there will be days that are worse than others. There will even be months and years that are terrible. Through it all, though, I am thankful that God provides comfort through my loving spouse. I never dreamed that barrenness would be part of my marriage. And still I am loved – by my husband, by my family, and by my church. I’ll file that in the “for better” category.

Is IVF Healing Medicine?

I am an advocate of healing medicine, both traditional and nontraditional.

I daily take prescription medication to keep my already overactive pancreas from kicking out more insulin into my bloodstream. I then supplement my medication with lots of exercise and a low-glucose diet.

My most recent venture into healing medicine involved a short round of hormone therapy to help my doctor properly diagnose several masses that were growing in my abdomen. I then underwent surgery to remove a batch of endometriomas and accompanying scar tissue from around my colon, bladder, and ovaries. Next, came a six-month regimen of Lupron shots to kill off the residual scar tissue my doctor had to leave behind, and, on top of that, I now eat a mostly pescetarian (vegan with fish) diet on top of my low-glucose fare to avoid environmental hormones, additives, preservatives, gluten, and nutrients which may cause inflammation in my body.

In other words, I prefer my medical cocktail as follows: one part traditional, two parts nontraditional, shaken with ice, and then straight down the hatch.

Why am I over-sharing all of this with you? I want to make it clear that I am a champion of healing medicine. I believe it is part of the daily bread God provides for us and that it is good and right to try to make the body whole. I believe that we are free in Christ to take medicine and to undergo diagnostic tests and to have surgeries and to train for triathlons and to sit for acupuncture treatments and to avoid dairy (Oh, wretched cross that I bear!) and to drink liquified kale for the healing purposes of our flesh.

However.

Like the Apostle Paul, I believe that my freedom in Christ, whether applied to medicine or to circumcision or to meat-eating or to whatever, is intended by God to serve my neighbor, not myself.

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” Galatians 5:13 (ESV)

We are totally free in Christ to seek healing medicine in our barrenness, but that freedom is still intended to serve our neighbor, even the little neighbor we hope to conceive in our womb. For this reason, I do not consider in vitro fertilization (IVF) to be healing medicine, nor do I consider it to rest safely within the realm of Christian freedom.

IVF does not simply seek to make the body whole, but it seeks to create children for our own purpose and use, whether that be cherishing, rejecting, discarding, freezing, or even killing. This is not using our Christian freedom to serve our neighbor. It is using our freedom to serve ourselves at the expense of our neighbor.

Let me draw a clear picture for you. When children are created in a petri dish during IVF, those children have no rights of their own. They, at the whim of the parent*, can be:

graded by appearance for their viability,
genetically tested for their sex, chromosomal abnormalities, and diseases,
discarded (in some cases, literally flushed down the drain) for their potential flaws,
put on ice to be stored, used, adopted, donated, tested, or killed at the parent’s leisure,
inserted into potentially inhospitable conditions in utero,
and, if part of a multiple pregnancy, selectively terminated and sacrificed for the vitality of a perceived stronger brother or sister in the womb.

IVF does not serve these children (our neighbors!) through love, but, at best, disrespects the personhood of the children created, and, at worst, serves as the concentration camp of the fertility industry.

Please be certain, it is the procedures surrounding IVF, not the children that result, that I am calling into question. As I wrote in my book, “Whatever sin and controversies may surround IVF, the children that are conceived and born to us through such procedures are still a heritage from the Lord. These children do not cease to be blessings and gifts from God simply because of the method by which they were conceived. We are not to think of these children as anything less than human beings who are wanted and cherished by our Lord. God’s love is what makes any and every child valuable in this life, not the means of parentage. Whatever decisions and actions parents may regret, the children that result from such decisions and actions are to be celebrated as the precious treasures that they are.” (He Remembers the Barren, 44-5)

Dear sisters, you may have already made use of IVF thinking that it was healing medicine. You may feel confused, angry, even guilty, right now. Do not despair! Your help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 124:8) Christ, the Lamb of God, takes away the sin of the world. “Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19-20a ESV) Confess your regrets to your pastor to receive the peace of absolution, and let it be done to you as you believe.

* A frozen child’s right to life can also be at the whim of a government or a divorce court judge.