Artifice

20071224-1937 copyA long time ago in a land far, far away – long before Prince Charming entered the story – I used to sing for my supper. Literally. I taught at a private music school during the day and gigged at night, and some evenings my teaching schedule crept dangerously close to the pit orchestra’s downbeat.

On one such evening, I remember having only a meager thirty-five minutes in between my final piano class of the day and curtain call at the theater to turn my loafer-ed, spectacled, teacher-self into a seventeenth-century princess with full corset and wig – all without the help of a fairy godmother, I might add – and every one of those thirty-five minutes needed devoting to transportation. The theater sat a good forty-five minutes across town.  

I did what any reasonable adult would do. I applied my stage make-up before my final piano class and strategically set my bag by the door so I could bolt to my pumpkin-carriage the second my students finished playing their major triads.

Only, there was a small glitch in my plan. One of my voice students lingered too long after her lesson, and I only had time to apply make-up to one eye before the piano class started.

I felt like a freak show as I walked into that classroom, my right eye a circus act of blues and pinks and curling lashes while my left eye remained a plain, unadorned stagehand. I remember little, blonde Alexa looking at me with wide eyes, and I braced myself for the unfiltered truth which would inevitably pour from her six-year-old mouth.

“Oh, Mith Katie,” Alexa lisped. “You are thoooo beautiful.”

Huh. She didn’t seem to mind that only half of my face was a rainbow. Apparently, even a little bit of make-up was an improvement in Alexa’s eyes.

“Thank you, Alexa.”

I won’t bother you with the details of how I actually broke the law managed to get to the theater on time that night, nor will I spend time psychoanalyzing the concept of beauty as understood by a young, female child. I will simply tell you how this experience set me up to cope with something that occurred fourteen years later. 

“Aunt Katie,” my niece said a few months ago, sitting on my lap and eyeing my face with a good measure of fear and disapproval, “you don’t have any eyebrows.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Some medicine made them go away, and they never came back.”

My niece reprimanded that which was missing with a sharp wiggle of that which she had in abundance before settling back in my lap to resume the story we had been reading.

Thankfully, Alexa had taught me the magic spell make-up casts over young girls, so I didn’t panic. I simply purchased an eyebrow pencil and cut some well-placed bangs across my forehead. Now, my niece doesn’t even notice what’s missing. I’d still rather not have to walk through the Midway that is the make-up aisle in department stores, but I suppose I’ve hit that age when indulging in a little artifice is a service I can offer to my littlest neighbors.

So, bring on the Rimmel 001, ladies. Feather those bangs. Endometriosis may try to be an evil stepmother in our lives, but she need not keep our princesses from going to the ball.

Isaac Pleaded

In my selfishness, I forget that my husband bears the cross of barrenness, too. I forget that my empty womb is a cross that he also shares.

Isaac also experienced the same cross. He and his wife Rebekah did not have any children. His father Abraham had been told that he would be the father of nations. Isaac knew that this meant his family would need to have descendants. Thus, Isaac took his concern to the Lord. As a loving spouse, he pleaded to God for his wife because they were barren.

Genesis 25:19-21

New King James Version (NKJV)

19 This is the genealogy of Isaac, Abraham’s son. Abraham begot Isaac. 20 Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah as wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Syrian. 21 Now Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived.

God heard Jacob’s prayer. Only by His grace and mercy, God granted twins to Rebekah and Jacob.

May we be so bold as to always take our concerns to our Father in heaven. May we also thank God for our spouses, who share the cross of barrenness with us.

Womb to Tomb

00-virgin-with-the-dead-christ-rc3b6ttgen-pietc3a0-rhineland-ger-ca-1300-25-1Miscarriage is a cruel betrayal of the body.

It’s a double-crossing rat.

It turns safe houses into torture chambers, mothers into hearses, wombs into tombs.

There is no earthly swindle so low as when that which is designed to keep and shield and warm and nurture turns on the most vulnerable of our loves.

There is no hour so long as when a mother watches her own flesh fail her own child.

There is no wail so loud.

No groan so deep.

No despair so close.

As that of a childless mother.

Except for one.

There is the wail from the cross. There is the groan and despair of our LORD as He took our wretched failings and miscarriages upon Himself and endured the ultimate horror, separation from the Father, so that we might never have to.

You see, He died to save us from the worst. He wailed and groaned and despaired and died that we might never be alone in our grief, that we might never have to live apart from Him, that we might have hope even in the face of death.

And He freely offers up his own crucified, risen flesh for us today in the bread and in the wine that we might be kept and shielded and warmed and nurtured in Him unto eternal life.

Go, mother. Go to the altar in your grief and be nurtured by Him who understands.

“My song is love unknown,
My Savior’s love to me,
Love to the loveless shown
That they might lovely be.
Oh, who am I
That for my sake
My Lord should take Frail flesh and die?” (LSB 430: 1)

 

Mother of None

Many of us are a mother of none but a mother to all.

It’s kind of a cool vocation, really. Think about it. We get to serve a whole bunch of people outside of our home. We get to form distinct relationships with the children and elderly and family in Christ around us. We get to use our special gifts in support of our church and community. We get to serve the neighbors God has given us in our lives today.

We get to do so much!

I know you’d rather serve little people inside of your home than outside of it, but loving other peoples’ children won’t make the pain any worse. Don’t get me wrong! You’ll still cry and grieve the absence of your own children, for sure, but you’ll get kisses and hugs and colored pictures and giggles and snuggles even while you’re suffering under the cross of barrenness.

That’s not such a bad thing, is it?

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What If?

MP900315598Every one of us shouldering the cross of barrenness asks the question, “What if?”

What if we had married earlier in life?

What if we hadn’t avoided the gift of children all of those years?

What if we hadn’t contracepted?

What if my doctor hadn’t taken that ovary?

What if we hadn’t consumed so many nitrates and nitrites in our youth?

What if we had avoided wrapping all of our food in plastic as kids?

What if we’d not eaten those tomatoes stored in BPA-lined cans?

What if my husband hadn’t had chemo during his bout with cancer?

What if we’d used a different adoption agency?

We can’t help it. If only there was something we could have done differently, then maybe we could make a change today and shift the tide of our barrenness towards more pleasant waters.

But, my sisters, it’s all a silly game. There’s no sense in asking such questions, because the answers don’t matter. Up to this moment, God has filled your days with all the things you need to support this body and life, and He promises to continue to work all things for your eternal good and for the good of your neighbor (Romans 8). Yes, even this wretched suffering. You are baptized into Christ Jesus, and you have been given His robe of righteousness in exchange for all of your regrets.

There’s no need to worry about “What if?” anymore. We, the Baptized, can simply rest in the goodness of “What is,” trusting that God means what He says in His Word.

Control Issues

Father Watching His Infant SleepOne of the most terrifying things about adoption is handling everyone else’s expectations. They come on so heavy from the start.

“You should adopt. Why haven’t you adopted, yet? Is it the money? Is it that you only want a child from your own womb, because there are so many orphaned children out there who need a home.”

“How can you have been married for so long and not have adopted a child, yet? If you just started the process, you’d have a child in just a couple of years.”

“You don’t need to have the money up front. God will provide it if you, in good faith, go ahead and start the process. He helps those who help themselves.”

“It’s selfish whenever people adopt from overseas. Don’t they know there are children right here in America who need our help?”

“If you start the adoption process, you’ll get pregnant in, like, a year. I know a ton of people who’ve had that happen.”

All of the questions and projections and insinuations that surround the issue of adoption in our society are not unlike those which surround infertility. Our world – and, in some cases, even the Church – really does believe a barren woman can and should be able to control such things, but a barren woman knows the truth that there is not a single thing she can do to give herself the gift of a child through conception or adoption. Oh, how she knows it! Believe me, if she could control such things, she would have a child, already.

I think it’s worth reflecting a bit on what kinds of answers we’re expecting the barren to give in response to the questions listed above. Most certainly, their answers would be personal (too personal for general conversation in my humble opinion), and the barren most likely won’t engage us with a list of self-justifications for why they’ve not yet been given a child through adoption. The reasons are often too painful: the rejections from birth mothers and agencies, the ethical dilemmas, the meager pocketbook, the pre-existing medical conditions already in the family, the income level which can’t support the medical needs of a special-needs child, an unsupportive extended family, racism in grandparents and church bodies, an unsure spouse, and so much more.

I recently talked with a woman who was denied the opportunity to adopt because the agency rules of her generation required that both she and her husband have college degrees. It didn’t matter that they had plenty of home and heart and income to support the needs of a child.

We just have no idea why God in His wisdom has not given the gift of children through adoption to some barren couples, and we would be wise to respect His giving.

Remember, children are a gift from the LORD – even adopted children – and “His will is just and holy.”

The Truth about Anna

anna-the-prophet

My friend Stephanie said something to me last summer that struck me:

“Anna was married and never had children, and she had a happy life.”

It almost made me laugh when Stephanie said it, my delight was so immediate. To think that I had been writing about barrenness all of these years and never once considered the prophetess Anna!

Luke doesn’t specifically tell us in his Gospel whether or not Anna was barren, but he does tell us that her husband died after seven, short years of marriage and that Anna lived as a widow for the next eighty-four. Luke also never mentions any children born to take care of Anna in her old age but that she “did not depart from the temple, worshiping with fasting and prayer night and day” (Luke 2:37). It is easy to assume she was never given the gift of children.

But do you know what Anna was given? She was given the opportunity to pray and wait on the LORD for the redemption of Jerusalem, and – Wonder of wonders! – she got to behold that very redemption in the flesh. She got to see Jesus!

Isn’t that beautiful?

You, my dear barren sisters, have been given the opportunity to fast and pray night and day, and – Wonder of wonders! – you get to see Jesus in the temple, too.

Excuse Me

It’s gross.

It might even be a bit inappropriate.

But I’m still going to say it.

Weeping and gnashing your teeth and throwing your hands in the air and asking unanswerable questions is a bit like belching. It releases some of the pressure that has built up in the digestion of grief.

So, on behalf of all the barren women grieving around you, I would like to say, “Excuse me.”

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Emancipation Proclamation Decimation

America is still in the slave market, and it’s called third-party reproduction.

With enough money, American citizens can go out and buy every ingredient on the “How to Make a Baby” recipe and create their own person to love and to cherish and to, well, to grade and to abuse and to legally discriminate and to throw away and to terminate and to deny any personal right to gamete donor information. We as a nation no longer sail across the ocean to capture and enslave human beings. We simply do it right here in a petri dish in the land of the free and the brave.

“IVF is the new cotton gin,” writes Alana S. Newman in her recent article The Mother-Free Money Tree. “Let’s learn from history and kick this before it takes us to the terrible places we once were.”

Yes, let’s.

But, be ready, friends. “[T]he rights of children are in direct conflict with the agenda of the fertility industry and its clients,” (Newman) so this is going to be an uphill battle. Yet, fight we must, because third-party reproduction is human trafficking only on a much bigger, legally-sanctioned scale.

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Pastor Talk

IMG_1889 copySpeaking of The Great Getaway last summer, we were also blessed to have a pastor talk with us about what God’s Word has to say about suffering. I found these particular truths to be helpful:

On losing our children…

“This is the problem God had. His children were lost, and He gave His Son to get them back. He gets us.”

On why we suffer…

“We suffer and have crosses so that God’s work can be made manifest.”

“This is the nature of the Christian life: that out of death comes life.”