Comforting or Being Comforted

Many moons ago a friend inquired if I’d heard anything more regarding our adoption. I told her that we had no idea when or if a referral was coming. At that point, the tears started to flow for both of us. She told me that we were in her prayers, and I began weeping a bit more visibly. She continued and stated that she KNEW that there was a child for us. At that point, I had to turn the faucet off. I had to switch from being the “comforted” to being the “comforter.” I found myself reminding her that I have been given countless blessings already. I told her that our family size might already be complete and that I might need to learn to be content with that. She found herself agreeing with me and acknowledging that, yes, she’d heard me say that on previous occasions.

A small request: Please don’t make me comfort you when you are trying to comfort me. It’s difficult, and it feels a bit awkward.

True comfort comes from not having to filter what’s being said when you talk with me regarding my barrenness. I feel like I can actually let my guard down when a good friend carries the load with me and lets me grieve and mourn and be sad…and understands what all that entails for the life of a Christian.

So You Wanna Complain?

There’s a psalm for that. Yes, you can complain to God about your situation. This world is full of injustices, and barrenness is one of them. God is fully aware of our childless home; He knows the desires of our hearts. Thus, He invites us to bring our sorrows and hurts to Him. When we complain to God, we give evidence to our faith, that we know God is gracious and merciful to hear us and has the power to help us.

Even more, God tells us HOW to complain. There are psalms of lament in the book of Psalms. These psalms show us that it is good and right to complain to our heavenly Father. The very words to use in our complaints are given to us by God Himself.

So what’s in a psalm of lament?  1) a complaint to God about what has gone wrong and God’s failure to help  2) a plea to God for help  3) a confession of faith in God’s goodness  4) a promise of praise for God’s help

Psalm 13 demonstrates all four of these components.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,

4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

A psalm of lament gives voice to our sorrows and shows us how to complain. When our lives don’t go as planned, we hurt. It seems as if God has abandoned us, and that makes us angry. This is where Satan enters. He seeks to skew our vision and desires to turn us away from God. Instead, we run with those hurts and angers to Jesus. We unload it on Him, for He alone can take our anger and heal our hurts. Thus, God uses our anger to teach us to rely on Him for all of our needs, both of body and soul.

Share your feelings of sorrow, hurt, and anger with your pastor. Go to him; he is God’s man for you in your time of need. Your pastor will help you complain to God (He can give you a whole list of lament psalms) and will also comfort you with words of God’s grace and mercy.

So go ahead and complain. God wants to hear from you. In fact, He has given you the best words to use – His own.

The Art of Godparenting

Question Submitted: My sister and brother-in-law just welcomed their first child and our first niece into the world. They called us two days ago and asked if we would be her godparents. We welcome any and all godparent advice. 

Oh, goodie! This is one of my all-time favorite topics. Please, forgive me if I go overboard in my response. While I have not been blessed with any children of my own, God has seen fit to fill my quiver full with precious godchildren – and I delight in this role! In fact, I probably fall more into the category of god”smother” than godmother.

Here are a few tricks of the trade I have picked up over the years:

1. I grew up with a baptismal banner hanging in my bedroom. Every morning, noon, and night, I could look on my wall and be reminded of the day I was baptized into Christ. Because of this, I think it is important to make a baptismal banner (or some kind of commemorative item) for each godchild. Sometimes, churches already have committees that make banners for their baptismal candidates. In these cases, you can make different things. I once made a candelabra to hold my godson’s baptismal candle, and on another occasion I made a mirror with a cross painted on it for my goddaughter to look in and see her cross-marked reflection.

2. Of course, if you can, it is important to be present to witness the baptism. This is not always possible, but it helps in the years ahead to be able to give first-hand memories from that day. We (my husband and I) hang a picture of our godchildren’s baptisms on our wall at home, so that we can remember them in prayer whenever we see their pictures.

3. We buy them each their own nativity and give a new figurine from the set as a gift every Christmas (starting with Joseph, Mary, and Jesus the first Christmas). A lovely lady I met at seminary taught me this one. (Thank you, Elizabeth!)

4. On their first baptismal birthday, we make them a homemade baptismal scrapbook that has pictures and anecdotes from their baptism. It tells the story of their baptismal day and instructs them on what exactly happened when they were baptized. We like the idea of them looking at it throughout the years and growing up with the proper language of God’s free gift of salvation in their head and in their heart. It is also a great way to teach them the meanings of their white clothing, the candle, the sign of the cross, etc.

5. We bribe them silly. We give them a quarter for every commandment they memorize. We take them out for ice cream when they memorize The Lord’s Prayer. We let them pick out three kinds of candy (one for each person in the Trinity) when they memorize The Apostles Creed. We also give them a quarter for every hymn stanza they learn, though we like to focus on The Ten Commandments, first. (Skype is a great tool for long distance catechismal questioning.)

6. We also talk with the parents and figure out what kinds of books/resources the church provides for our godchildren over the years. Then, we try to supplement whatever they don’t have. If the family doesn’t already have a catechism or Bible, then we like to get them CPH’s The Story Bible and My First Catechism. We plan on giving our godchildren their own Lutheran Study Bible upon confirmation.

7. We encourage the families of our godchildren to have daily family devotions, especially during Advent and Lent. Kids love Advent wreaths and calendars if you are looking for more baptismal birthday gift ideas down the road.

8. I try to teach each of our godchildren the words and actions to both LSB 594 “God’s Own Child, I Gladly Say It”  and the following baptismal song:

   I was baptized, happy day!
   All my sins were washed away.
   God looked down on me and smiled.
                                              I became His own, dear child.

From one god”smother” to another, the most important thing is to faithfully pray for your godchildren and to play an active part in their Christian education. If you toss in a little ice cream, a few books, and some games of tag every now and then, it doesn’t hurt one bit.

Suffering

God Himself causes our suffering.  He is not the cause of sin, mind you, but He is the cause of our suffering.  [p.32]  Those are the words of Dr. Gregory Schulz  in his book The Problem of Suffering: A Father’s Hope.

As I read Dr. Schulz’s book, I began to think he had a window to my heart.  As he shared the struggles of pain and suffering surrounding the death of two of his children, he asked why these things could happen.  I asked that same question surrounding my barrenness.  He wrote based on his experiences as a father and a husband.  He asked why suffering happens.  He questioned suffering in the world.  I asked those very same things.  Dr. Schulz pointed me to Jesus, the only relief from suffering.

We experience death, pain, sorrow, and grief. How can suffering come from God?  Suffering is real.  Suffering hurts.  Suffering drives us to our knees.  Suffering demonstrates to us that we are mortal.  We cannot cure every disease.  We cannot prevent death.  We cannot administer the drug that takes away aches and pains.

No, our only relief lies in Jesus Christ.  He took all of our sin sicknesses and sufferings and ingested them into Himself on the cross – for us.  We are made holy in our baptisms.  Once baptized, though, we are signed up for a lifetime of suffering.

There is great temptation to say that our suffering will come to a fairy-tale ending in this world.  On the contrary, in this world we will have pain and sorrow.  It would be foolish to insist that our suffering is going to have a glorious finish.  This is a sinful world, and while we dwell in it, we will not be safe from sin.  When the body and soul of the believer in Christ are united with Jesus, THEN all suffering will end.  This is why we pray in the Lord’s Prayer, “But deliver us from evil.”  True relief is peace in Christ.

In this world, we will experience disappointment, heartache, death, miscarriage, and so much more.  Take heart, dear sisters and brothers in Christ, you are not alone.  Dr. Schulz writes: “…even the Gospel doesn’t give us absolute rest as long as we are away from home in this vale of tears.  It can and does bring us the Good News of Jesus, the rest for our souls, but we still experience anger and anxiety.” [p.124]  He continues: “My joy is not complete.  It cannot be, until God grants us all a blessed reunion in heaven.” [p.125]  God does not abandon you.  He loves you, and He understands your suffering.

I commend this book to you.  Grieve with Dr. Schulz.  Live under the cross of Jesus until He takes you to Himself, where all suffering ends.

Meals for the Masses

This past week our family was privileged to host two other families, each with four children.  I decided that one of our meals would be tacos.  Our little family of three can make 1 pound of taco meat last for two meals.  Before our friends arrived I prepared 3 pounds of taco meat.  When it came time to eat, the kids were in line, and the large bowl of taco meat was rapidly diminishing before my very eyes.  There was no way that 3 pounds was going to be enough.  I quickly defrosted 2 more pounds of ground beef and started cooking it.  I didn’t have any more taco mix, so I used up the rest of my chili powder to make the meat.  The kids waited (as patiently as possible) for me to finish cooking lunch.

Note to self:  Make AT LEAST 5 pounds of taco meat for 9 children.  The adults can eat lettuce.

Father’s Day

Just because your husband may not be the father of his own children does not mean you cannot celebrate him this Sunday.

Does your husband teach Sunday school or help with the senior youth group? Does he buy ice cream for his nephews and read books to his nieces? Does he play dodgeball with rough-and-tumble sixth graders? Does he instruct his godchildren in the Way they should go?

Does he serve on the board of elders, church council, or board of trustees? Does he chaperone youth trips? Does he turn sticks into lightsabers? Does he give money to crisis pregnancy centers, school auctions, or pro-life organizations? Does he carry tired children across the State Fair grounds? Does he include his voice with all of the Church to pray?

Then, he is a father.

Go all out this year, ladies. Spoil your husbands silly. Foot rubs, massages, grilled steaks, homemade rolls, tickets to see Prometheus, the whole nine yards. Celebrate the dickens out of your guy, because he is a father to all children.

 

Dr. Tactless

Some people say the wrong thing. Some people ask nosy questions. Some people say the wrong thing, ask nosy questions and make unhelpful predictions about the future. These are people you should avoid at all costs. This week I had no choice but to confront someone who has a reputation for not knowing the meaning of tact. Our regular medical practitioner was unavailable for our checkup, so we had the misfortune of seeing that guy. Here’s how the conversation played out. Keep in mind, the checkup was for the child, not me:

Dr. Tactless: Now, this one’s adopted?

Me: Yes.

Dr. Tactless: And you have another one who’s adopted, too, right?

Me: Yes, he’s eight now.

Dr. Tactless: So…is that something you planned to do, or was there something wrong?

Me: Well…I’ve only been pregnant once, and then I had a miscarriage.

Dr. Tactless: I see. So something is wrong with your system.

Me: We…uh…don’t know for sure. I’ve had some issues with endometriosis in the past but feel pretty healthy now.

Dr. Tactless: And your husband’s sperm count is normal?

Me: Ummm…he, uh,…he seems to be healthy, too.

Dr. Tactless: Hmmm…now how old are you again?

Me: Thirty-six.

Dr. Tactless: Oh, well, you know you could get a surprise later on.

Me: We would be open to surprises.

Dr. Tactless: You know, there’s nothing like the ink drying on adoption paperwork to make for a good fertility treatment (sly, know-it-all half-smile creeping up his face as he nods slowly). Well, the baby looks good. Come back in a month.

Sheesh. I couldn’t get out of that office fast enough.

Don’t you ever wish you could turn the tables, just for once, to show the other person what it feels like? If I could do this conversation all over again, this is how it would be:

Me: So, I don’t see a ring on your finger. Not married?

Dr. Tactless: No, I’m single.

Me: So…was that by choice, or is there something wrong with you?

Dr. Tactless: Uh…no, I was dating a women recently but she left the relationship. I would still like to get married someday.

Me: Hmmm…so something is wrong with you.

Dr. Tactless: I, uh, don’t know about that, exactly.

Me: Now, do you use deodorant and mouthwash regularly? That’s important, you know.

Dr. Tactless: Well, I think I smell OK.

Me: So now, how old are you again?

Dr. Tactless: I’m forty-nine.

Me: I see…You know, there’s this bar at the corner of ___ and____ where a lot of older, desperate women hang out on Friday nights. There’s nothing like a little desperation to get a relationship going (wink, wink). You should try that place. You just might get lucky.

Collect: June 5, 2012

It is our privilege to pray with and for you.  If you would like to submit a personal petition to be included in our prayers, please send your request via the “Submit a Question” page on this site.  

Collect of the Week: 

Let us pray…

O blessed Holy Trinity, You have created us, redeemed us, and sanctified us.  All praise and glory be to You.  By grace, we acknowledge and confess You to be Lord and God.  Keep us steadfast in Your Word and give us strength to face all adversities.  As we pass through trials, remind us that our trust is in You.  Help us rejoice with those who rejoice.  Enable us to boldly proclaim the Holy Trinity and live our vocations confidently in You; through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever.  Amen.

Incomplete Joy

On May 23 I sat in a rocking chair at a friend’s house and held a precious little girl in my arms and sang to her of Jesus’ love, Jesus’ lambs, the Lamb’s High Feast, and Simeon’s song, which boldly asks the Lord for a peaceful departure from this life. The very next day, on her first birthday, she died. It wasn’t a surprise–everyone knew that this was the likely outcome of her disease–yet it was tragic nonetheless. What once was here is no longer and there is heartache.

On May 28 I sat in a rocking chair in my own house and held a precious little boy in my arms and sang to him as well. In great irony and yet in God’s perfect timing, He chose to send our family new life in the midst of mourning another’s death. Although the wait seemed so long, when we received the phone call two weeks ago that there was finally a baby for us, we were in shock. What once was just a prayer had become a reality and is finally here and there is much joy.

You can imagine the rejoicing, no doubt. I won’t deny that we’ve had our blissful days. Yet behind it all is the knowledge, the grave reality, that it is not complete. I don’t mean that our family isn’t complete. Only God knows when that will be. I mean the joy is incomplete. Why? Doesn’t a baby make everything perfect? Isn’t it everything that I’ve always wanted? No, it isn’t.

I say it isn’t because I live in the Body of Christ, and when one suffers, all suffer. My friend just buried her daughter.  I mourn with her and cry for her, even as I shed tears that come from watching my new son sleep. My arms, now sore from the new weight I’ve been carrying around, also ache for my family members and friends who continue to wait to hold their own gifts. As I pray prayers of thanksgiving for the blessed baptismal day that brought my son into God’s family, I simultaneously cry out for God’s mercy and intervention to stir the hearts of those I love who have rejected their own baptisms. Life and death, both physical and spiritual, continue to surround us all and permeate our daily experiences and relationships. The sun frequently peaks out from behind the clouds to give us a glimpe of the Light that will one day completely surround us, but the clouds never entirely float away.

Therefore, members of the Body of Christ do not move in and out of categories such as “the suffering,” “the blessed,” “the content,” “the afflicted.” We are one, and if we truly love one another we remain together, bearing one another’s burdens, joys, gifts and tragedies. The completeness comes at the end of the struggles, at the resurrection, and only then. This side of heaven there are times when we feel that our cup runneth over and there are times when our parched lips taste no relief. But the living waters flow freely between those mansions the Lord prepares for us, and I continue to long for the healing it will bring to the Body.

“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11

I’ve been thinking of the hymn that starts, “Jesus has come and brings pleasure eternal, Alpha, Omega, Beginning and End,” (LSB 533). The wait for this family to be reunited with their child is just beginning. The wait for my family to be united with a second child has come to an end. I pray that the Alpha and Omega, our Lord Jesus, would grant our two families and all the Body of Christ the opportunity to walk this path of life together, focusing on His eternal pleasures, the full and complete joy that will most certainly be ours one day when the clouds all fade away and the Son shines in all His brilliance.

Can I Be Happy?

There are days when I dwell on my barrenness.  My thoughts lead to lots of “what if” statements.  “What if we’d tried to start a family right after we wed?”  “What if we’d started the adoption process sooner?”  “What if I never parent another child?”  Thus begins a slippery slope, focusing on the negatives.  Once that starts, it’s hard to climb back up out of the pit.

Enter Jesus Christ.  I belong to Him.  True, my body is not right; it’s sinful and broken.  My mind wants to turn inward on itself and have a nice, little pity party.  However, Jesus lives in me.  He’s right there in my head and in my heart.  The cross was traced over my head and heart at my baptism.  Jesus is right here – with me!

Yes, there are tough days, days when I sink into my own sorrows.  However, Jesus walks with me through those tough days.  Even more, He carries me through the rough times.  Jesus knows my hurts.  He’s been hurt even deeper.  He was abandoned by His Father on the cross.  He endured suffering and shame like I will never experience.  He knows what it means to sorrow.

Will I ever be happy?  Will it be when I am a parent?  Is that the only thing to which I cling for my happiness?  If I can’t be happy unless I have a child, then I am coveting.  That’s sin, and I beg for God’s forgiveness.  On the contrary, happiness comes through Jesus and Him alone.  My joy is found in Jesus because, in Him, I am made whole and righteous.  My body on earth remains broken because of my sin, but I am perfect in Jesus.  And He is my happiness.