Author: Kristi

Suffering for My Own Good

This week marked seven full years since we signed the papers to begin an international adoption. How long, O Lord? How long until you grant my heart’s request? How can seven years of waiting for another child be a good thing? I have mourned because more children have not been given me. I have been jealous for the children that were given to others. My anger towards God has been lashed out on those I love. Left to my own devices, all my sinful desires would be fulfilled. I would be surrounded by false idols and eventually loathe all things.

However, the Lord has blessed me numerous times. In the past seven years, I have been part of a trio that brings joy to residents in nursing homes. My husband and I have been able to coach our daughter’s softball team together. The Lord has allowed me to sing the faithful hymns with 300 other Lutheran women at a district gathering. During the long wait, I have traveled with Katie and shared the joys and burdens of barrenness with others. If we had been traveling to China right now, I would have missed the funeral of a beloved friend. If December had taken us to our newest daughter, I would not have been able to sing the Christmas hymns with our Sunday School children.

Suffering never feels good. How could it? God never deigned for man to suffer. Our sinful nature grabs hold of us and strives to push us away from our loving Lord. The devil tempts me to think that I have endured more than my share of suffering. Satan would lead me to turn my back on God. The truth is that I should endure the torture of eternal hell. In my sin I have turned my back on God.

Jesus, though, has come to my rescue. He has endured suffering and death in my place. I don’t have to suffer eternal punishment for my sin. As a baptized child of God, I can face suffering and know that Jesus has endured far worse. The Lord has used (and is still using) my suffering to remind me that He knows what is best for me. I know with certainty that the Lord loves me and is using my suffering for good. The Lord has used the past seven years to remind me that He works all things for my eternal good.

What God ordains is always good: He is my friend and Father;

He suffers naught to do me harm Though many storms may gather.

Now I may know Both joy and woe;

Someday I shall see clearly

That He has loved me dearly.

Lutheran Service Book 760:4

A Church’s Love

If you could walk through the red doors of this church, you would see my church family. These people love me, my husband (the pastor) and our daughter. They also love our daughter in China, whom we have yet to meet or hold. When we started the adoption process, our church family was excited. Many were eager to share baby clothes and any equipment we might need. As the days dragged into years, they have cried with us as they realized that our wait was getting longer. They comforted us with their hugs when our referral was delayed. Our church family reminded us time and again that we were remembered in their prayers. They have told us they love us, no matter the size of our family. Recently, they demonstrated their love for our family in a huge way.

Knowing that we are getting closer to traveling to China, our church family wanted to show their love and support by sponsoring a church benefit to help cover our travel expenses. Thus was born the project “Nachos for Maria.” Our church members prepared and served a wonderful nacho bar for our church family and the surrounding community. In conjunction with the meal, a silent auction was held. The bakers got to work and prepared lots of goodie trays. Businesses generously offered some wonderful gifts. Crafters were busy crafting fun items, and others made fantastic theme baskets.

The afternoon was very exciting for Jerome, Joanna, and me; we were able to share our joy with others, who had been waiting alongside us for so many years. At the end of the day, the totals for the benefit were shared, and we were overwhelmed. After I had dried my tears several times, I jokingly told Joanna, “We won’t have to swim across the ocean to bring your sister home.” One of our church members said, “Isn’t it incredible what a bunch of small-town farmers can do?!” I replied, “I thank God for each and every one of our small town farmers.” These “small-town farmers” are my family and not just because they’ve done a benefit for us. They have shared our sorrows, grief, and tears while we waited to add another child to our family. They have prayed for our family and cared for us in ways they don’t even realize.

I am blessed to worship each Sunday with my church family. I confess the Christian faith in the Triune God with my family. I kneel at the Lord’s table to receive the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ with these family members, young and old alike. I am eager to introduce our new daughter to her extended family – our church family at Trinity Lutheran Church. They have hearts that overflow with love for one another, and I am blessed to love each one of them right back.

The Child Within You

Christmas Eve is always special for me. A manger is placed in church, and the children gather around to worship the Christ-Child. They sit in awe and wonder at this tiny Babe, who would save the world. The smaller ones play with the straw, and others stroke the cheek of the infant. In that moment, I feel pain. There is no infant for me to cradle. There is no tiny finger to grasp around my own.

However, there is still joy for me. I do have a child within me; He is Christ the Savior. At my baptism, I was made a child of God. All of my sins of thought, word, and deed were cleansed and removed. Yes, I am still sin-sick, but I have the forgiveness of sins, too.

There are times that I don’t “feel” Christ in me. That is my sinful nature at work. However, I will still confidently confess Jesus as my Lord and Savior, despite my fears and doubts.

Jesus Christ is Emmanuel, which means “God with us.” He is with us always. How blessed we are to know that the Christ-Child of the manger is the same Christ, who would sacrifice His own life on the cross to take the punishment for our sins. Jesus Christ is the Child for me and within me.

Advent Anticipation

For seven years my husband and I have been watching and waiting. We began the adoption process way back in 2006 and were hopeful that our family would grow by one in the year 2008. We slowly watched the monthly calendar page turn. Then we changed the calendar to a completely new year. We have grown weary with all of the waiting.

The Lord has granted a referral for a little girl in China. We were certain that 2012 would be the year for her to join our family. However, it will not be so. Instead, the Lord is having us wait even more.

Yes, more waiting. We have been waiting on government agencies to give their approval of this match. We have been waiting for social workers to sign the appropriate papers. We have been waiting for a lot of people to do whatever their title allows them to do. Waiting is tiring.

During that time, I have grumbled and complained and blamed God too many times to count. I have been on my knees, begging Him for a child. I have longed to be on my knees, looking eye-to-eye with our new daughter. I have also been on my knees in prayer, repenting of my self-righteousness. I have been on my knees, receiving the Lord’s Body and Blood for the forgiveness of my sins.

There is a little girl who will bring joy and tears and laughter into our home. While we suffer through the long hours and days and months (and even years), we pray that we might joyfully receive this little girl. The Lord’s timing is best, even though we don’t understand it. Thus, we watch the mail and anticipate the arrival of the next official document. We wait for our social worker to tell us that we can buy our plane tickets. With joy and anticipation, we pray for our little girl, who is half a world away.

Advent is a season of watching and waiting. Christians, too, can be filled with joyful anticipation. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will return. He will take us into His arms and take us home some day. Of that we can be certain. Until then, we wait.

“Different, Not Less”

In the movie Temple Grandin, Temple is a brilliant young woman, coping with the stigma of autism. She does so in a time when autism was misunderstood. However, Temple is blessed with a loving family, who support her efforts for higher education and understanding by the world around her. At one point in the movie, Temple’s mother wants to enroll her in a boarding high school. Some of the faculty members are apprehensive to accept her. Eventually, Temple’s mother tells one of the teachers that she wants people to know that her daughter is “different, not less.” That quote struck a chord with me.

I am different but not less than the mother whose womb has carried children multiple times. I am different but not less than the mother who takes her beloved brood with her to the grocery store. I am different but not less than the family who drives a 15-passenger van so that their family can ride together.

My world is different than yours but not less. Please don’t think of me as your “barren friend” only. Yes, my world is different than yours, but it is not less. The Lord does not look down on me because my womb is closed. He loves me. He does not treat me any differently than the rest of the world. I am condemned of all my sins, the same as my neighbor. In fact, God’s only Son Jesus died for me, just as He did for the sins of the entire world. I am forgiven of all of my sins, the same as my neighbor.

My name is Kristi Leckband, and I am barren. I am different, not less.

And Now A Few Words from A Sponsor

We interrupt your busy day with these words from your child’s sponsor…
Dear Parents of my godchildren,

I know that parenting is hard. You face short nights, piles of laundry, sinks full of dishes, homework to complete, musical instruments to practice, and much more. Even harder than that is the challenge of teaching your children the love of the Lord. The devil desperately desires to make you neglect the teaching of God’s Word to your child. He wants you to take the extra hours of sleep on Sunday morning and keep your children away from the Lord.

It brings me great joy to know that I am a sponsor/godparent to your precious child. I pray not only for your sons and daughters, but also for you. I was blessed recently to spend time with some of your precious lambs. I saw and heard them do different things:

* kneel at the rail of the Lord’s Supper to receive a blessing from the pastor

* confidently point her little finger at and say “cross”

* sweetly sing “God Loves Me Dearly” with all her heart

* fold her hands and answer a confident “Amen!” at the end of the prayer

* confess that Jesus gives good gifts when He gives babies to families

* announce that Jesus is born at Christmas

* recite the 10 Commandments without any help

These are the things that bring me joy. Actually, they bring me to tears. I know your children are being taught the fear and love of the Lord Jesus, their Savior. Well done, parents. It is my deep honor and privilege to pray daily for you and for your child. I will keep praying for your family. I will keep talking with your children about Jesus. I pray that they will always sing the praises of their Savior Jesus.

May God continue to bless you and your children, for God has graciously placed them into your homes and into my heart.

Love, Aunty Kristi

We now return you to your vocation of parenting.

Words of Grief and Hope

Special thanks to the Rev. Todd A. Peperkorn for granting permission to reprint this post from his website “Lutheran Logomaniac.” Pastor Peperkorn is a husband, a father, and a pastor. He shares his grief and his confidence in the promise of the resurrection on the Last Day.

“Nadia After Eight”

Each year the day after Thanksgiving begins a period for me where a whole bunch of anniversaries begin. The first is the death of our unborn daughter, Nadia. After that comes the death of our unborn son, Emmanuel. Then it is the death of my mother. Finally is the time when I went on disability for clinical depression.

In many ways my grief is less raw than it once was. It is less primal and fear inducing. My grief now has taken on another character. That character is grief as guilt.

I remember when Nadia died eight years ago. No one knows what to do with a miscarriage. Is it a big deal or not? How do people react to such a thing? And because no one knows what to do, that generally means that most people do nothing. We had a lot of family staying with us when Nadia died, and sure enough, they really did nothing.

I remember being angry at them, so very angry. WE LOST A BABY! Why don’t you care?

Eight years later, I can see that my anger at them was really not directed so much at them as it was at God. They were simply an easier target. When someone dies, above all you want someone to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Fix it, somehow. The least you can do is die with them. But it doesn’t work that way. Someone dies, and everything else just lingers on. Eventually things return to normal, whatever that means. But that smoldering anger remains.

The fact is that God did do something about Nadia’s death. He sent His Son into another womb, helpless and in complete and utter need. And He lived that life of no consequence, just like everyone else’s life. You wouldn’t know Him by looking at Him. And so it is that He died. He died for all of the Nadias out there. He died for all the children born and unborn who are enslaved by this grip of death. He died for the grieving and lingering. He died for them and for me. And you.

I’m not angry at God anymore. Not about that, at least. Ok, not as much. But the grief remains. I cling to this grief, believing that by holding onto this grief (and anger) I can somehow maintain the rightness of my cause. Surely God will do something about this. Surely He will call her from the dead. Surely we will feast together at the Last Day. Surely God will dry our tears. Surely…

Zion hears the watchmen singing,

And all her heart with joy is springing;

She wakes, she rises from her gloom.

For her Lord comes down all-glorious,

The strong in grace, in truth victorious;

Her star is ris’n, her light is come.

Now come, Thou Blessèd One,

Lord Jesus, God’s own Son,

Hail! Hosanna!

We enter all

The wedding hall

To eat the Supper at Thy call.

(LSB 516:2)

Interview on “Morning Show”

Thank you to radio station WJAG and Susan Risinger for interviewing Jerome and Kristi (site host) and Joanna for the “Morning Show.” Susan asked the Leckband family about their upcoming trip to China to adopt their little girl. You can listen to the interview, which will air about 7:45am on Friday morning.

Click here for a direct link to the radio station. Then click on “Listen Live.”

After the interview airs, it will go into the Resources section of our website.

You Do Not Suffer Alone

Friends are having babies. Neighbors are celebrating a new grandchild. Teenagers are welcoming twins. We sit at home, in our quiet homes, alone. But take heart, dear friend, you are not alone in your suffering. Christians around the world have been suffering for years.

“Resist, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” (1 Peter 5:9)

Take comfort in the pastor’s words on this passage of Scripture: In such temptations St. Peter comforts the suffering Christians by telling them that they are not the only nor the first souls to be so tempted, as though they had to bear a peculiar, rare, and unheard-of cross and suffering and should think and feel that they alone had to bear it; rather they should know that all their brethren in Christ scattered everywhere have at all times had to suffer thus from the devil and his onslaughts because they were in the world. For it is an immense help and comfort when the sufferer knows that he is not alone but is suffering with a great multitude.

Therefore no man should regard his own anguish and distress as so horrible, as if it were new and had never happened to anyone before. It may well be new to you and you may not have experienced it before, but look around you at all the Christians in our beloved Church from the beginning to this hour, planted in the world to run the devil’s gauntlet and unceasingly winnowed and fanned like wheat.

For where God through His Word and faith has gathered together a Church, the devil cannot be at peace, and where he cannot achieve her destruction through sectarianism he strikes at her with persecution and violence, so that we must risk our body and life in the fight, and all we have.

From Dr. Martin Luther’s sermon on the third Sunday after Trinity in the year 1544.

A Matter of Convenience

“We’re not ready for kids yet. We want to be financially stable.”

“I want to have a successful career before we have kids.”

“I know I’m not mature enough to be a parent.”

“Our home is so small; we don’t have room for kids right now.”

“I think I would go insane if we had any more kids.”

Time and again, these comments have caused me to grieve. True, I don’t know the whole back story to each of the above comments. I’ve even had some of those very same thoughts. However, I would love to have a baby in my home to love and cherish. Comments such as these portray the idea that children are a commodity to purchase. These casual comments cheapen the treasure that is a child. A baby is not something we get “at our earliest convenience.” Sadly, society tells us that we come first. Therefore, the use of birth control helps us to plan the “best time” to start a family. There’s a to-do list of accomplishments in this life, and having children gets in the way of those successes. We want the big boat, the nice home, and a large financial savings. Once we get those things done, then we can think about a family. This thought process is sinful.

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are not property to be purchased when we’re ready for them. Children are a result of God’s design for marriage. A child is a gift from God. Who says no to a gift, a really good gift? Sinners do. In our sinful nature, we desire to put ourselves first. We want what we want when we want it. We feel that nothing should get in the way of our success. We want a career advancement, a bigger home, a secure future. Yes, these things are all good. They aren’t so good when they become idols. When children “get in the way” of our personal success and achievements, then we have turned God’s gift of a child into a convenience.

O God, forgive our selfish thoughts and help us to treasure children as gifts. Amen.