Adoption

Let It Be To Me

I continue to marvel at Mary’s response to Gabriel’s unbelievable message: “…let it be to me according to your word,” (Luke 1:38). She didn’t know what those words really meant, did she? She couldn’t have known.  She couldn’t have foreseen the heartache she would have to go through as the mother of the Messiah, who was destined to suffer and die. Yet the Holy Spirit moved her to speak with great confidence in her calling as the Lord’s servant, chosen for an honor unlike any that had ever been given before. A great honor, to be sure, but one that was accompanied by great suffering.

Can you speak these words from Mary as you experience the unexpected, the disappointments, the losses? Throughout our lives we all experience those proverbial “closed doors” where it seems pretty clear that going in the direction we had planned is not according to God’s plan. This news does not come from a heavenly being, reminding us first to “Fear not,” but rather from physicians or social workers who are simply stating the facts.

“The cancer had spread more than we thought,” says the surgeon.“We had to do a hysterectomy.” But I’m so young! It doesn’t seem possible that I’ll never be able to give birth. I never dreamed this would happen.

“It doesn’t appear that any growth has taken place in the last month,” says the OB. “I’m so sorry.” No! This was the answer to our prayers. Why would God give us this miracle and then take it away? It’s not fair.                                                           

“We have just received word that all referrals are on hold indefinitely,” states the email from the agency. “We will notify you when we have more details.” Not another hold up! We’ve been through this before. This could add even more years to our wait.

The shock. The denial. The anger. The fight. The exhaustion. The surrender. Then, finally, the prayer: “Let it be to me according to Your word.”

Using Mary’s statement as a prayer can be both a spiritual and physical struggle for some. At times we may even feel the need to physically grasp hold of something as we speak it so as to brace ourselves for the realization of all our fears. Our sinful nature attaches such hesitancy to this concept of full submission. Why is that? After all these years of the Lord’s providence, generosity, faithfulness, and care, why have we still not learned our lesson?

For me it’s getting a little better. You know why? I’ve been practicing. Every week on Sunday morning I hear the true, inspired, life-giving words that speak of the Lord’s promises to me and I practice this prayer—this time with all boldness and confidence.

“In the stead and by the command of our Lord Jesus Christ, I forgive you all your sins.…” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“I believe in the…resurrection of the body and the life everlasting.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

“…given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.” Let it be to me according to Your word!

 “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.”

 Let it be to us all according to His Word!

Writing Contest

HeRemembersTheBarren.com is hosting a writing contest!

Tell us in 600 words or less about “Advent and Barrenness.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren. The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 20th. The winner will be announced on Christmas Day.

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Throughout this Advent season, we remember that Jesus Christ, the Son of God and second person of the Trinity, took on flesh for our salvation. We look ahead to His second advent on the last day. O come, O come, Emmanuel!

Adoption Questions

Question Submitted: Do you have any recommendations on books/websites about the adoption process? Also, do you recommend any agencies?

An easy place to start looking for adoption resources is christian.adoption.com.  Although the site is packed with ads, you’ll also find helpful articles, blogs, and links to state-specific adoption information on laws, lawyers, and which agencies work within your state.

One book that has been recommended to me is The Whole Life Adoption Book: Realistic Advice for Building a Healthy Adoptive Family by Jayne E. Schooler and Thomas Atwood. I would also suggest just looking on Amazon by searching for “adoption” and reading through the reviews thoroughly. Some books are written from a Christian perspective and some aren’t and the reviews will help you get an idea of what approach the author is taking. Some books will contain the author’s own adoption story when what you’re really looking for is just the how-to’s on where to begin. I’m always a fan of the “Idiot’s Guide to…” books, and there’s one for adoption. This will likely be a good introduction to the process.

We have worked with two different adoption agencies now, one that has offices internationally and the other one is just in our state. There are a number of things that I would recommend you keep in mind as you try and find the right one for you.

1. Know what your values are and find an agency that closely matches them.

Some agencies may have a Christian mission statement but if you hadn’t read it you wouldn’t necessarily know that they are Christian. Read their literature carefully to get a feel for what their values are. For example, do they believe that the best place for a child is in a home with a mother and father, or do they serve homosexual couples as well? If these types of details are important to you then do some digging.

2. Ask lots of questions. You need to find out from them:

-What are all your fees? When do they need to be paid? What’s the most I would have to pay?

-Do you have any financial assistance or discounts? (Some agencies give discounts to pastors’ families.) Do you charge on a sliding scale based on income?

-What’s the average wait for a Caucasian child? A minority child? A bi-racial child? A child with special needs? How many placements do you do each year? How many people are on the waiting list?

-How often will my paperwork need to be updated? What fees are associated with that?

-Do you only do open adoptions or do you do semi-open or closed adoptions as well?

-What supports do you provide the birth parents? Will they get pre- and post-placement counseling?

-What is the process for a birth parent choosing a family? Will we meet the birth family? What kind of post-placement contact is typical between the birth and adoption families you work with?

-What services besides adoption do you offer? Do you have post-placement support for the adopting family? Do you provide resources and trainings for unique adoption situations?

-If we aren’t happy with our caseworker can we ask for another one?

-And lots more…

3. Ask around for not only a good agency, but find out who the good caseworkers are.

What I have found over the years as I’ve spoken with numerous families who have adopted is that your satisfaction with the process greatly depends on the caseworker who is assigned to you. Even though she cannot speed up the process necessarily, her contact with you, her understanding of your questions, fears or confusion about the details of the process will either be a source of stress or peace in your life. You may find a great agency and get a not-so-empathetic caseworker. But the good news is that you should be able to ask for someone else. A good agency will recognize that sometimes the assignments just aren’t a good fit and they will do their best to help you feel comfortable with who is handling your adoption.

4. Know what you can afford and don’t let your emotions change your mind.

Too often I hear couples decide that they are going to do an international adoption that is outrageously expensive and their philosophy is, “Well, we just have to trust that God will provide the funds.” Wrong. God doesn’t promise that in the Bible. He gives us common sense and requires that we be good stewards of the gifts He has already given us. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to apply Luke 14:28 to preparing for an adoption: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” So sit down with your spouse and look at your savings, your earnings, your fundraising abilities, your willingness to complete grant applications, etc., and set a number that you can handle. That number will determine whether you can do international, domestic, or a foster-to-adopt program.

5. Be aware of government requirements in your state. 

If you are looking into foster care with the potential to adopt, be sure to read the fine print before signing anything. Unfortunately, many of our state governments are making it more and more difficult for Christian families to participate in foster care programs without compromising our traditional values, specifically those related to sexuality, appropriate sexual expression, and sexual orientations. Be sure that any contracts or agreements that you sign pertaining to foster care or adoption are thoroughly read, understood, and do not contradict your faith and the expression of that faith.

Regarding your question about what agencies are recommended, it’s a little hard to say. There are so many agencies available, many specialzing in different types of adoptions and most of them are not nation-wide. Recommending an agency in my area wouldn’t necessarily help anyone outside my state. I can tell you that we worked with Bethany Christian Services for our first adoption and this is nation-wide. We were very satisfied with that experience. We chose a local agency for the second adoption because they had a sliding scale fee schedule based on income. Perhaps in a future post we can list any other recommendations that people send in, both for domestic and international adoptions.

Ask around at church, at your doctor’s office, and your or your husband’s place of work to find out who in your area has adopted and with whom they worked. Then ask these agencies for other references from previous or current families. Find an agency that has an office close to you (if possible), supports your Christian beliefs, has a fair fee schedule, and has a good reputation. And most of all, pray for guidance. Choosing the agency is only the first decision of hundreds that you’ll be making.  May the Lord bless your efforts!

On Being Weary

It’s been five, long years since our adoption paperwork landed itself on a desk in China.  Five years – that’s a milestone.  In those five years, we have seen our doctors on a yearly basis for an updated medical history and had our blood drawn several times for a variety of tests.  We know the state patrol officer on a first-name basis since we’ve been fingerprinted so many times.  We’ve met with our case worker several times to verify that our home is safe for children.  We’ve taken the necessary parenting classes.

Five years have passed.  We actually started the paperwork process eight months prior to that.  And I’m weary.  This isn’t what my husband and I signed up to endure.  At the time, nobody anticipated the long wait.  And yet it’s happened.

So what do I do?  I could get angry.  I could demand answers for the slow-down in placements.  I could expect more pity from my neighbors and friends.  I could take out my anger on my family.  I could shut the rest of the world out and wallow in my misery.  I could turn my back on God because He hasn’t given me what I want – when I want it.

But that’s no good either.  For you see, God IS still taking care of me.  He has given me a loving husband, who has taken every single step of this lengthy journey with me.  My spouse of 13 years has signed every piece of paperwork and seen the slow pace of referrals.  God has given me friends and neighbors, who have shared hugs with me.  God has given me loving family members, who continue to pray that the Lord would bring the right child into our family in His good time.  God has given me all of these people in my life to uplift and pray for me in my weariness.

But I’m weak from putting up a strong front in public.  I’m tired of signing papers.  I’m weary of the long wait.  There are days when I’m ready to throw up my hands and give up the whole adoption process.

Holy Scripture says in Isaiah 40:28-31 –  Have you not known?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Did you hear that?  God is not weak, nor tired, not weary.  He is strong!  He beckons us to come to Him with our griefs and sorrows.  He has granted us Himself in Holy Baptism.  He renews us with the gift of the Holy Spirit and comforts us.  Christ has overcome every evil of mind, body, and soul and keeps us to Himself!  No matter how tired and weary we may be, God carries us.  He knows our hurts and that we are tired, and He renews us with Himself.  I come to God with an empty sack, and He fills it up.  It’s all His work; I am the blessed recipient of His grace, mercy, and comfort.

I get tired and weary, but I know that my hope is in the LORD.  He knows me and grants me what I need: Himself.  He also gives me a loving spouse, who walks faithfully beside me.  He provides loving family and friends, who share hugs when I need them.  I am not alone; I don’t have to carry this burden myself.  My hope comes from the LORD, for He will provide what is best for me.  I can rest in Him.

Interview on “Studio A”

Thank you to KFUO Radio and Roland Lettner for interviewing two of our site hosts on the “Studio A” program yesterday afternoon. We hope you’ll have a listen, too.

Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file. (Our interview begins at 29:10.)

Or, if you would like to learn more about KFUO Radio and the “Studio A” program, click here. (To listen to our interview from this link, click on the hour 2 MP3 file of the Wednesday, September 7th broadcast. Our interview starts at 29:10.)

But You’re Still Young!

Whenever new acquaintances learn that I do not have any children, the first response I usually get from them is, “But you’re still young! You have plenty of time to have a baby. Your time is coming.”

I’ve been hearing that for nine years, now, and each year it gets a little harder to hear. Part of me is thankful for the optimism of strangers, because deep down inside I really do hope they are right. But what if they aren’t? I often think of my barren friends who are past the childbearing age. What was it like when new acquaintances stopped making plenty-of-time-platitudes to them, when strangers could tell that their time had indeed passed? What kept them from despairing when all physical, worldly hope of ever carrying a child in their womb had gone?

I recently received the following email from a woman who is past the age of childbearing, and her confession of faith brought me great joy. How comforting to know that the same promises of God which console me in my barrenness today will continue to sustain and comfort me should I remain childless past the time of my own fecundity.

My heart goes out to you, since I am also barren. Even though I am 57 years old, it still is difficult to realize that God did not intend to give me the blessings of children of my own. From early childhood on, I only wanted to be a mother. That never happened. When it didn’t seem to be happening for us naturally, we explored first adoption, and then medical help, but neither were options for us. We waited too long and were considered too old to be considered adoptive parents by church and state social agencies, even though we were in our mid 30’s. Private adoption at that time meant that the birth parents would have all the say in how we raised our children, and we weren’t comfortable with that. We then went as far as we felt it would be God-pleasing in the medical procedures of that day and time. We finally had to accept that God’s will for us was His will for us!  Knowing that He loved us even more than we loved each other, we could look forward to whatever He planned for our future. 

Now, two decades later, I still mourn the fact that the infants I hold and the children I love will never be mine. God is good. My family is huge. There are new babies joining our family every few months. The most recent was born in June, and now we hear that another niece will be blessed with her second child in January. God has given me many nieces and nephews to love and cherish. However, it will never be the same as raising one of His precious lambs. 

So…we hold to God’s love for us and our love for each other. He has blessed us in so many ways! His wisdom is not mine, and that is good. He does know what is best for me, for my husband, for my family, and for you. Whatever God has in store for you will be a blessing to both you and to others. I pray He gives you a child, but only if that is His perfect will.


The Book Is Now Available!

Now available through Lutheran Legacy!

Order your print copy here.

He Remembers the Barren by Katie Schuermann is a tender conversation with women in the church who wrestle with the issue of barrenness in marriage. Addressing questions frequently asked by those struggling with infertility, the author walks alongside the reader, relaying personal stories to both encourage and support those who are suffering. Issues such as control of our bodies, family planning, and the source of conception are examined through a theological lens, reminding the reader of her clear vocation in Christ and pointing her to the ultimate source of fruitfulness, vitality, and comfort, our Triune God.

With Psalm readings, beloved hymn texts, and collects penned by Dcs. Melissa A. Degroot, each chapter of He Remembers the Barren resonates on a devotional level that is pitch perfect for women struggling with the grief and shame which often accompany barrenness. This book also serves as a valuable resource for pastors, family members, and friends seeking to better understand the barren experience of a loved one.

John T. Pless, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Ministry at Concordia Theological Seminary and respected commentator on Christian ethics, has this to say about the book: “This is a book that is about Christ who alone is the source of our joy and hope, our life and peace. Katie does not hold out a Jesus who will fix the problem of barrenness but a Jesus whose favor for sinners reaches to the very depths of our being. As Katie so aptly puts it, fulfillment is found not in the womb but in Christ. Writing with tenderness and a realism shaped by the cross, Katie makes a lively use of the Gospel to draw her sisters away from the temptations to self-pity and despair to the sure and certain promises of the Son of God recorded in the Scriptures and proclaimed in sermon and sacrament. Only in Christ is there true contentment.”

How Long, O Lord?

Do you remember, when as a child, you kept waiting for Christmas to come?  Perhaps you counted down to the last day of school.  You counted every day and knew when the last bell would ring, welcoming the start of summer break.  Sometimes the wait seemed extremely lengthy, but you knew there was an end in sight.  When couples discover they are going to have a baby, the countdown calendar is on.

It sure would be nice if the adoption process worked that way, too.  The sad truth is that it doesn’t.  When you pursue the adoption path, you are getting on a long ride.  You have no idea if the wait will be short or long.  You have no idea whether or not you will ever receive a child.  Thus, you wait.  And you wait.  And you wait some more.

The same is true of the married couple wanting to have a baby.  There is no guarantee of a baby.  However, they wait and hope and pray.

What’s a person to do during this exceedingly long stage?  Do I wallow in self-pity?  Do I become angry at the girls who have babies all the time and don’t even want them?  Do I lock myself away from all new moms?  Do I wonder when I will get to have something good happen to me? 

The long wait (since January 2006) has helped me to see God provides all good things to me ALREADY.  I have been born into a Christian family that knew that I needed my sinful thoughts removed in the gift of holy baptism.  I am married to a loving husband, who carries the load of barrenness with me.  I have been blessed with friends who walk this difficult road and share tears with me.  When God made me His child, He gave me abundant blessings right then and there.  I didn’t have to mark the days off on a calendar, waiting for God’s blessings to come to me.  I received them at my baptism.

God has created the world and all within it.  He cares for the sparrow and knows the very hairs on our heads.  He knows all things about me, and loves me anyway!  He cares for me, and He cares for you, my dear friend in Christ.  He loves you!

And so I can talk about barrenness and not feel like I’m less of a person than the unwed teenage mom or the family that already has their quiver full and another one the way.  God has given me so many good things.  On my knees, with tears in my eyes, I realized that God has taken care of me in multiple ways.  Whether or not I am able to mother another child – that doesn’t matter.  I am valuable in God’s eyes. If God should see fit to grow my family, then I am blessed even more abundantly.  If God deigns that my family is complete in its current form, then I am blessed abundantly.  I have God’s goodness ALREADY.