Adoption

The Wisdom of Kristi

P1060196More than a few times along this HRTB blogging journey, I have been broken in such a way that required someone else putting me back together. That someone was almost always Kristi.

“I don’t think God’s going to give us any children,” I remember sobbing into the phone to her one afternoon. I felt so worthless to the world as a childless, married woman, and the guilt and shame of barrenness and failed adoptions and empty arms threatened to overwhelm me.

“I love you just the way you are,” Kristi spoke evenly into my ear. “I wouldn’t change one thing about you. God has given you what you have today, and He works all things for your good. You are blessed even without children.”

When scathing correspondence began pouring in from IVF advocates around the world, Kristi kept me on task.

“People need to be educated in a gentle yet honest way,” she cheered, “one that points them back to Christ, Who keeps them.”

There were even times when Kristi seemed almost telepathic, as if she could sense what particular burdens and doubts I was struggling against that day.

“Your marriage has been blessed by God,” she pointed out, “despite not being blessed with children either biologically or adopted. Your marriage is a gift from the Lord, and that is something to be cherished.”

But there is one little bit of correspondence from Kristi that, still to this day, moves me more than anything else. It’s just so selfless and generous. For, from across an ocean and in the middle of a sleepless night just after her adopted baby girl had finally been put into her arms for the first time, Kristi emailed me – insignificant, childless me:

“I know there is joy and pain for you personally on this day. Know this, dear sister, you are loved for who you are TODAY. Your worth is found in the shadow of the One who has borne all of our suffering. His gifts are yours each and every day, despite your earthly pains and sorrows. You. Are. Loved!” 

Even now, the fact that Kristi put her own joy on hold to sit with me in my grief, stings my eyes with liquid salt.

Kristi is that person who tells me the truth – the unpolluted Truth which comforts and restores – when I need to hear it the most, and I am better for it.

That’s why, whenever I sit down to write a post on this website, I try so hard to be like her.

My Adoption Story
Uncles are important in the lives of adopted children, too.

Uncles are important in the lives of adopted children, too.

Question Submitted: I have been thinking of contacting you for a while and I just decided to go ahead and ask. I really hope that I am not prying, and if I am feel free to just ignore me!

I am a huge advocate for adoption, have been for a really long time. I have been researching adoption options for about five years now and my husband and I are currently in the process ourselves.

Oftentimes I will tell people that there are very few legitimate reasons that preclude a person from adopting at all. I don’t ever say this to place judgement on those who choose not to adopt. Of course it is not a calling for everyone! 

But I do say it to encourage those who are interested in adopting but feel that there are roadblocks they could not overcome. There are just so many options, usually there is at least one out there that fits for a family. And I really have come across very few cases where this is not so.

A few of my friends have spoken to me privately about this, with concerns that my advocating comes on too strong, particularly for couples who want to adopt but feel they can’t. A few have mentioned you specifically, and how you and your husband have tried but God has closed that door.

I know this is a very personal thing, but I can’t help thinking that perhaps knowing your story might give me a perspective that I’m missing. 

No, you are not prying at all. However, because my personal story involves (yes, I use the present tense) many different individuals who have not given me their permission to share their own involvement in my story, I choose to keep my story private for the protection of all involved.

Let me suffice to say that I am a huge advocate for adoption, as well. (I am blessed to be an aunt to three adopted nieces and one adopted nephew.) I am also an advocate for supporting and equipping parents (married, single, crisis, or otherwise) to whom God has already given the gift of children through conception. They’re both worthy causes.

If it helps, I think you answered your own concerns in the following three statements:

1. “I have been researching adoption options for about five years now and my husband and I are currently in the process ourselves.” – One could ask why, in those five years of research, you have not already adopted a child, but that’s the point, isn’t it? You can’t possibly control such things. You are trying to adopt, and there it is. There, also, are most barren couples in regards to adoption. They are simply elbow-deep in research, paperwork, foster care training, court appointments, and visits with social workers, hoping and praying that God will give them the gift of a child through adoption according to His will. I would venture to guess this scenario fits most couples with whom you are concerned.

2. “Of course it is not a calling for everyone!” Exactly, and we must respect the fact God does and doesn’t call people to the vocation of adoptive parenting, even if that makes us uncomfortable. Remember, adoption is not a law. From an advocacy standpoint, I think it wise to be a little less concerned with those whom God hasn’t called to be adoptive parents and, instead, focus attention and support on those whom He has.

3. “And I really have come across very few cases where this is not so.” Yet, these cases exist, so we trust in the Lord all the more for these couples instead of burdening them with ungodly guilt. Again, adoption is not a law, and it most certainly is not the only way to serve orphans. I think adoption advocates (me included) sometimes forget that adopted children need more than just parents. Let’s rejoice in all of the vocations – social workers, lawyers, pastors, counselors, foster parents, policemen, judges, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, therapists, doctors, nurses, travel guides, bloggers, fundraisers, you name it – who faithfully serve these children even though they never get to adopt them.

There is one other group of people in this situation which deserves our attention and respect: those couples who, for whatever reason, simply decide they don’t want to adopt children. As contrary as their decision may seem to our own sentiments, it’s okay for them to decide not to adopt. Many of us can’t help but rise up and start quoting James 1:27 to them – “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world [ESV].” – but, again, it is wise to remember that adoptive parenting is not the only vocation through which God serves these children (just as adoptive parenting is not the only vocation through which God serves widows).

And, as a friendly salutation, I’d like to correct one statement in the original submission above in regards to my own story. Rather than writing “God has closed that door” for my husband and me in regards to adoption, I think it is a truer confession to write “God has not yet given us the gift of children through adoption.”

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. My husband and I still have hope of being parents (adoptive or otherwise), but we don’t hold God to a promise He hasn’t given us in His Word. We are trusting that His will for us today is good, even if it is childless. It would help and encourage me greatly if those around me trusted in His good will for us, too.

Guaranteed or Your Money Back

IMG_3532 copy

According to the wisdom of the ages, the following items guarantee a pregnancy:

1. a vegan diet

2. an organic diet

3. a dairy-free diet

4. an organic, dairy-free, vegan diet

5. cough syrup

6. cod liver oil

7. an adoption

8. yoga and green tea

9. egg washes (don’t ask)

10. relaxing

11. prayer

12. claiming your pregnant destiny

13. the think system

14. exercising

15. not exercising

16. losing weight

17. gaining weight

18. green smoothies

19. acupuncture

20. a reiki

21. Vit A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z

22. progesterone shots

23. pelvic elevation

24. IVF

25. a stork (Well, not really. This one only guarantees a baby.)

But the wisdom of the ages never attaches the “or your money back” to this guarantee. Can you guess why?

The only Scripture-proven, 100%-guarantee any of us has when it comes to pregnancy (or adoption, for that matter) is that the LORD does and doesn’t give the gift of children according to His good and perfect will – a will which is promised to work for our eternal good – with or without all of the stuff listed above.

And you can bank on that.

 

Big Sister

MP900341507My young pen pal recently became a big sister through adoption last year – twice!

Here’s how she described her new life as a big sister in her most recent letter to me:

We are super busy. Sometimes I lock myself in my bedroom, lie on my bed, and try to imagine life BEFORE munchkins 2 and 3. It is IMPOSSIBLE. I can’t even think of our living room 2 years ago. 🙂 Right now, Little Brother is hanging onto my chair watching Little Sister ride her tricycle around the kitchen/dining room while holding her baby doll. She stops every time she goes by Little Brother to smile at him.

Isn’t that delightful?

Have you and your husband considered adoption?

Control Issues

Father Watching His Infant SleepOne of the most terrifying things about adoption is handling everyone else’s expectations. They come on so heavy from the start.

“You should adopt. Why haven’t you adopted, yet? Is it the money? Is it that you only want a child from your own womb, because there are so many orphaned children out there who need a home.”

“How can you have been married for so long and not have adopted a child, yet? If you just started the process, you’d have a child in just a couple of years.”

“You don’t need to have the money up front. God will provide it if you, in good faith, go ahead and start the process. He helps those who help themselves.”

“It’s selfish whenever people adopt from overseas. Don’t they know there are children right here in America who need our help?”

“If you start the adoption process, you’ll get pregnant in, like, a year. I know a ton of people who’ve had that happen.”

All of the questions and projections and insinuations that surround the issue of adoption in our society are not unlike those which surround infertility. Our world – and, in some cases, even the Church – really does believe a barren woman can and should be able to control such things, but a barren woman knows the truth that there is not a single thing she can do to give herself the gift of a child through conception or adoption. Oh, how she knows it! Believe me, if she could control such things, she would have a child, already.

I think it’s worth reflecting a bit on what kinds of answers we’re expecting the barren to give in response to the questions listed above. Most certainly, their answers would be personal (too personal for general conversation in my humble opinion), and the barren most likely won’t engage us with a list of self-justifications for why they’ve not yet been given a child through adoption. The reasons are often too painful: the rejections from birth mothers and agencies, the ethical dilemmas, the meager pocketbook, the pre-existing medical conditions already in the family, the income level which can’t support the medical needs of a special-needs child, an unsupportive extended family, racism in grandparents and church bodies, an unsure spouse, and so much more.

I recently talked with a woman who was denied the opportunity to adopt because the agency rules of her generation required that both she and her husband have college degrees. It didn’t matter that they had plenty of home and heart and income to support the needs of a child.

We just have no idea why God in His wisdom has not given the gift of children through adoption to some barren couples, and we would be wise to respect His giving.

Remember, children are a gift from the LORD – even adopted children – and “His will is just and holy.”

false gods

My husband said this to me the other day:

We have to deal with our false gods. That’s what God does with us. He makes us confront our false gods and see how they actually fail us.

In my barrenness, God makes me confront my false god of control, for, up to this moment, there is not a single thing I have been able to do to control my barrenness and give myself the gift of a child through conception or adoption.

Nor have you been able to do it.

Hear that? That’s the sound of my big-bellied, false god falling off my mantle and shattering onto the floor.

And for that, I thank God for my barrenness.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Differing Perspectives

Nurse: Do you have any children?

Me: We have not been blessed with any children, and I’m thinking maybe it won’t happen at this point.

Nurse: Oh, now, I don’t know. I have many friends who have done IVF, and, then, when they stopped trying and finally relaxed, they got pregnant.

Me: Well, my husband and I’ve never done IVF, so we’ve been relaxing for over eleven years, now. We’ve probably earned a black belt in relaxation.

Nurse: But, still, you never know. I have a friend who tried for years to get pregnant. Then, when she and her husband adopted a child, they suddenly got pregnant.

Me: I have a sister who has adopted three children and has never been pregnant. I also have two close friends who adopted three children between them in the last year, and neither of them have gotten pregnant since. And my husband and I never got pregnant after going through the foster parent training program. That was three years ago.

Nurse: I don’t know. I know too many people who’ve had that happen.

Me: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m just saying that it also doesn’t happen.

Nurse: Well, it seems like a lot of people get pregnant that way.

Me: And a lot of people don’t. As many as one-third of the couples who seek medical help for their infertility never achieve a pregnancy.

Nurse: That’s not a very big number.

Me: It is to one-third of the couples trying to get pregnant.

Nurse: The glass is half full.

Me: And half empty. But what does it matter? Why bother measuring the glass at all when taking a drink? It is what it is, and it is given to us by God for our good. Bottoms up!  

doctor

“Joseph’s Worthiness (and My Own)”

mentor1-1Thank you to Kelly Stout for reminding us of all that comes with being chosen as an adoptive parent.

“Joseph’s Worthiness (and My Own)”

I carry around a strange sort of guilt – one that only those blessed by adoption can probably understand. Why in the world did God and my son’s birthmother choose me? Oh, it is loaded with guilt. When I fail as a mother, I fail my child, I fail God, and I fail my child’s birthmother. I don’t talk about it often, because it makes people uncomfortable. My reality of feeling guilty for being chosen when others have been waiting weighs on me. I see my friends struggling to conceive, I see my friends waiting with great anticipation to be chosen as adoptive parents, and I see myself failing so often in my vocation.

We don’t know very much about Joseph’s emotions as being chosen as an adoptive father. We all know Mary asked, “Why me?” Given my own guilt about the vocation of caring for a son entrusted to me through adoption, I can only imagine that Joseph felt unworthy. “The Son of God? You want me to be responsible for raising the Son of WHO? Why have I been chosen when all those other men are so much better than me?” At least, that is how I feel at times. “Those other women would probably do a better job than me…” When, in fact, that guilt is very far from the truth. 

In teaching our toddler son about his infant adoption, we tell him, “Your birthmother loves you so much that she asked God to help her choose a mommy and daddy for you. And you know who He chose for you? Us, your Mommy and Daddy!” When I say those words, I am not only teaching my son about God’s love for him, I am also reminding myself God did indeed choose us. We were given this child, not because we deserve him, not because we are better than anyone else, but because before he was conceived God knew him and knew all the days numbered for him even before there were any of them. He gave us the vocation of father and mother. He entrusted this little babe to us. He will provide us with the wisdom and strength needed to raise him in the way of the Lord. 

When Joseph looked around, saw his own sin and failure, and wondered, “God, why was I given this Gift when others were not,” I hope he was reminded that those others, all others indeed, were given the same Gift. The Gift bore our guilt on a cross, died, and rose again, so that with Joseph, we need not question our worthiness in our vocations. Our worthiness is declared through Him.

Kelly Stout