Parenting

Barren . . .with Children?

Whoozeewatsit? Barren with children?

Well…yes. Stay with me.

When I sadly and too often see parents prioritize sports over Sunday School, sleepovers instead of sermons, poke fun of or complain about their pastors in front of their kids, or send their children to confirmation yet never darken the church’s door themselves, I have to wonder where the real LIFE of that family is. How can they keep their spiritual hearts beating when they aren’t receiving–or are blatantly denying–any quality spiritual food? One might say they are fast approaching a barren spiritual life, since where there is no Jesus, there is no spirituality or life. And that can’t be good for anyone, nevermind their children.

But readers, please don’t take this as a motivational speech, scared straight talk or condemnation (from me). We are all condemed who are born into sin. Yet Jesus is on the heels (the eyes, ears and knees, etc.) of the baptized; convicting and beckoning us all to Him, so that we might repent and confess Christ crucified for us, and be forgiven.

And when that conviction and peace comes, how can anyone stop it from overflowing from their own hearts and minds and onto our little ones? It simply can’t not (yup, I love double negatives). It can’t not compel a mother and father to bring their child into the sanctuary. It can’t not move parents to baptize their infants. It can’t not motivate them to discipline their young to listen to the Sermon, participate in the liturgy, and receive Christ in His body and blood. It can’t not… for where His Word is proclaimed and Sacraments administered, there too is Jesus, with all the promises and benefits therein to sustain his Church into eternity.

That is our true life, devoid of barrenness, and what faithful albeit sinful parents believe, teach and confess for their God-given little miracles. Our children need nothing more…and will certainly suffer with anything less.

I pray this post also encourages the childless who also faithfully gather around the altar, pulpit and font to know God’s wisdom in the face of their afflictions. But barrenness in this context points to the ultimate ail in all of existence… separation from Jesus, the one true, Fruitful Mulitiplier of His Church. The fruitfullness comes both in numbers and in faith, sometimes one more than the other, but it always comes, because He promises it will, in order that we might know Him and where He is. In Him we’re whole– both here and in heaven–because of Christ crucified and risen for us, not because of how many proverbial arrows we’ve been endowed with or not.

Let us confess joyfully this full life that we share, and pray that all are compelled by the Holy Spirit to bring their families right to where Jesus, our life and salvation, is.

My Husband Is a Father

My husband is a tender father in the Faith.

He sits at the bedside of his world-weary children and leads them beside still waters. He walks with them through the valley of the shadow of death and sings to them Simeon’s Song. He restores their souls in the reading of God’s Word.

My husband is a faithful father in the Church.

He baptizes and teaches his parishioner children. He catechizes, comforts, consoles, and counsels them with all fatherly affection. He speaks the unpopular Word to them for their eternal benefit, slaying straying hearts with the Law and resuscitating the repentant with the Gospel breath of God, Christ’s blessed work of atonement on the cross for them.

My husband is a warrior father in the marketplace.

He picks up the banner of life and waves it before his neighbor. He wears a precious feet pin on his lapel to remind himself and others of the children destroyed every minute of every day through abortion. He defends the rights of the least of these, entreating parents not to abandon their children to be frozen in fertility clinics. He gives his time, talents, and treasures to those who have none and opens his heart and home to the fatherless.

My husband is a devoted father to our nieces, nephews, and godchildren.

He patiently endures guerrilla attacks of tiny, would-be wrestlers. He reads pink-and-purple books about fairies and princesses to sleepy, little dreamers. He stands guard next to half-pints in hospital beds awaiting their turn in the operating room. He jumps off two-story pontoon boats into smelly, murky lake water for the entertainment of squealing, human fish, and he daily remembers those fish in prayer.

My husband is childless, but he is a remarkable father.

Happy Father’s Day, Michael! xo

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Train Up a Child

I have childhood memories of helping my parents set up chairs for the annual life rally at a local school. That was back in the day when public schools still encouraged nonprofit organizations to use their facilities to educate youth on such topics as (Gasp!) respecting each others’ bodies and valuing life at all stages.

I was only in third or fourth grade at the time, but my parents encouraged me to tag along for this day-long event of speakers, food, and fellowship for teenagers. My parents were members of our local Lutherans For Life chapter which supported the event, and together we set up the display of fetal models for viewing, hung signs to direct students to various rooms for breakaway sessions, and decorated the cafeteria with helium balloons. At the time, I was more interested in the balloons than the speakers, but over the years I was exposed to such life issues as human sexuality, caregiving, unplanned pregnancies, abortion, and adoption.

An accident? I think it was intentional parenting. Not only were my dad and mom modeling for me the act of service to my community, but they were also exposing me to the likes of Molly Kelly and Jim Lamb. Formative influences, for sure.

My parents did not stop there. In junior high, they brought me to life chains, conferences, prayer vigils, and pro-life fundraisers such as banquets and community breakfasts. In high school, my mom took me to two national life marches in D.C., and she encouraged me to start a local Teens For Life group at my school. Over the years, my parents showed me how to give of my time, talents, and resources to support local crisis pregnancy centers and other pro-life organizations. They taught me early on my responsibility to my littlest neighbors and showed me ways to advocate for their right to life.

No doubt, my parents’ example lit a fire under me in my childhood that continues to burn into my adult years. P1050860

How can we expect our youth today to defend the right to life if we do not teach them what that means? How can we expect them to advocate for the least in the world if we do not show them how?

My parents did that for me. God help us to do that for the next generation.

Abortion: The “More Right” Thing to Do?

Question submitted: In a recent conversation with a single friend of mine, she mentioned that if she ever got pregnant she would just have an abortion. I told her that I was pro-life and reminded her that she would have other options, like putting the child up for adoption, if she felt she would not be able to take on the responsibility of being a parent. She went on to say that kids who are adopted often have issues because they do not live with their biological parents, so getting an abortion would be the “more right” thing to do. How would you respond to this?

I’d grab this girl by the shoulders and shout in her face, “What are you thinking?!?! Do you hear what you’re saying?” Well, that’s what I would like to do anyway. What I should do is start asking questions. Stand to Reason is an organization that provides a great training in how to engage in these conversations by asking specific questions. It’s called Making Abortion Unthinkable, and it is something I encourage all Christians to look at.

First, find out what your friend thinks “the unborn” really is. The state of South Dakota has regulations in place that require abortion doctors to share with their patients that an abortion will “terminate the life of a whole, separate, unique, living human being,” (NPR story from Jan. 22). This is a FACT supported by scientific evidence. People who consider abortion should have to wrestle with this.

Second, ask your friend what should happen to a two-year-old whose parents die tragically. Would it be better to kill the two-year-old, too, than have him be adopted or raised by people who weren’t his biological parents? This would be absurd, of course. But by using these kinds of examples it forces people to realize that the unborn are children, too, they’re just smaller than a two-year-old. The Making Abortion Unthinkable curriculum calls this method “trotting out the toddler.” It’s a very effective argument.

The goal of having an ongoing conversation with this friend would be to help her see the following logic and come to agree with it:

1. It’s wrong to intentionally kill innocent human beings (e.g. the two-year-old).

2. Abortion intentionally kills innocent human beings (e.g. scientific evidence).

3. Therefore, abortion is wrong.

Abortion is not right, or even “more right.” It is not merciful or a better option. Stories of troublesome adoptees are about as much justification for abortion as stories of troublesome biological kids (which, I would argue, are equally present in our gossip circles). People believe whatever will ease their consciences, no matter how unfounded the story might be. When abortion is used as a form of contraception, as this woman describes it, she must find a “good” reason to justify it because her conscience needs her to. I suppose you can be grateful that her conscience is still active, it’s just incredibly misinformed. Perhaps you’re in a place to help remedy that. Pray for guidance and courage from the Holy Spirit to love this friend, keep talking to her, and help expose the lies that she is believing.

(Another great resource for preparing for abortion debates is Peter Kreeft’s The Unaborted Socrates: A Dramatic Debate on the Issues Surrounding Abortion.)

What If It Doesn’t Work Out?

Joanna and I have been corresponding on the topic of adoption. Here is a tidbit of wonderfulness from one of her recent emails:

I think there may be a difference in the way children are gifts from God (and they are) and the way, for example, the Sacraments are gifts from God. The Sacraments are free gifts, given to us by God for the forgiveness of our sins. They are gifts from God that are purely for our benefit.

It seems to me that children are gifts from God, but the purpose of the gift is not so much for the benefit and happiness of the parents (although that certainly comes along with it) but for the welfare of the child. The gift of a child is an opportunity from God to serve our small neighbor in love.

I wonder if remembering this would be a healthy approach to the whole confusing world of adoption. The idea of loving our neighbor (rather than receiving something for ourselves) allows the whole fear of “what if it doesn’t work out” to be a little less intense. Because if God does allow you to adopt, you can love and serve your neighbor in the child. And if He doesn’t, you can still love and serve the neighbors all around you, because they are gifts from God, as well.

When did I start noticing Marilla’s fear and insecurity over Anne’s?

A Season to Share

Rachel Pollock reminds us in her reflection on “My Suffering Is a Blessing” that we all endure suffering and enjoy blessings throughout the year, and we in the body of Christ can be there to share in all of them.

I had to update addresses before I could send Christmas cards this year. There were joyous updates. I added names of friends that got married, had babies, or finalized adoptions. It seemed there were more sad updates. Some of the names I had to remove because:

they had divorced or died. The worst was when an entire entry had to be removed because both spouses had died.
a father had committed suicide, and this affects his wife/children/grandchildren daily.
a child had lost the battle with leukemia.
A spouse had died when he seemed way too young to die.
they have dementia, and a letter would confuse them.

When I wrote the addresses on the envelopes I reflected on some of the suffering:

those who are single and would like to be married.
many couples that are barren or have not been blessed with a sibling for their only child.
many families that have experienced a miscarriage.
those who the doctor recommends no more pregnancies for the mother’s health.
those families that have so many children that being pregnant one more time feels like a burden for them.
those with cancer or Parkinson’s or depression.
those that are unemployed or not in a job they really want.
families that live very far from extended family.
a family with a seriously ill child.

It is even more difficult to write a Christmas letter with updates about our family. What a downer it would be to put in the letter that we have had six miscarriages. I would love to add in our letter that our youngest is actually younger than our four-year-old.

There are some obvious blessings to reflect on as I update the addresses:

a mother that is counting the days that she is still pregnant after many miscarriages, and it seems that she will get to rock and hold a little girl in a few months.
families that are healing after the death of a loved one or a divorce.
families that were able to adopt a child.
a family that rejoices because their child is healthy after major surgery.

Our family has many blessings, too. We have many friends and family all over the world to whom we send Christmas cards. My husband is healthy after a major surgery two years ago. We have three healthy sons. Both sets of our parents are alive and still married to each other. We added a brother-in-law to our family last year. We were able to move closer to one side of the family and able to buy a house beyond what we expected. My husband has a good job. We are part of a wonderful church family.

Yet, there are more blessings, still. Each day I thank and praise God that He safely brought me to another day to live out my baptismal life in Christ. We should not despair even when thinking of all the suffering of our family and friends. Whatever happens in our lives, we are God’s children and God will work it for our eternal good. God will provide and care for our every need. My address list will always have suffering on it because we live in a sinful world. Jesus has conquered sin, death, and the devil. We press on towards the goal of eternal life in heaven. Because of all the suffering on earth, we long for heaven even more.

“Be near me, Lord Jesus: I ask Thee to stay

Close by me forever and love me, I pray.

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,

And take us to heaven to live with Thee there.”

LSB 364:3

Rachel Pollock

And Now A Few Words from A Sponsor

We interrupt your busy day with these words from your child’s sponsor…
Dear Parents of my godchildren,

I know that parenting is hard. You face short nights, piles of laundry, sinks full of dishes, homework to complete, musical instruments to practice, and much more. Even harder than that is the challenge of teaching your children the love of the Lord. The devil desperately desires to make you neglect the teaching of God’s Word to your child. He wants you to take the extra hours of sleep on Sunday morning and keep your children away from the Lord.

It brings me great joy to know that I am a sponsor/godparent to your precious child. I pray not only for your sons and daughters, but also for you. I was blessed recently to spend time with some of your precious lambs. I saw and heard them do different things:

* kneel at the rail of the Lord’s Supper to receive a blessing from the pastor

* confidently point her little finger at and say “cross”

* sweetly sing “God Loves Me Dearly” with all her heart

* fold her hands and answer a confident “Amen!” at the end of the prayer

* confess that Jesus gives good gifts when He gives babies to families

* announce that Jesus is born at Christmas

* recite the 10 Commandments without any help

These are the things that bring me joy. Actually, they bring me to tears. I know your children are being taught the fear and love of the Lord Jesus, their Savior. Well done, parents. It is my deep honor and privilege to pray daily for you and for your child. I will keep praying for your family. I will keep talking with your children about Jesus. I pray that they will always sing the praises of their Savior Jesus.

May God continue to bless you and your children, for God has graciously placed them into your homes and into my heart.

Love, Aunty Kristi

We now return you to your vocation of parenting.

Interview on “Morning Show”

Thank you to radio station WJAG and Susan Risinger for interviewing Jerome and Kristi (site host) and Joanna for the “Morning Show.” Susan asked the Leckband family about their upcoming trip to China to adopt their little girl. You can listen to the interview, which will air about 7:45am on Friday morning.

Click here for a direct link to the radio station. Then click on “Listen Live.”

After the interview airs, it will go into the Resources section of our website.

Covet

Thank you, Rev. Michael Mohr, for helping us see how God can give us the vocation of parenthood even in our barrenness:

Last month, I was attending a youth conference with one of the young men from our joint youth group. One of the break-out sections he wanted to attend was on Biblical manhood. As we sat there listening, my heart was saddened. Much of the presentation was about the Biblical role of rearing boys into men – fathers leading sons away from their mothers to grow into manhood. This was something I would never have, I thought. As my singleness has left me barren, I would have no son to lead through the steps to manhood. This is something I have earnestly desired (or, as the King James translation puts it – coveted), even to the point of idolatrous envy (i.e. covetousness). There are so many miserable fathers out there. Surely I could do a better job than they are doing. Why am I left sonless? The sadness was beginning to turn to anger and bitterness.

As the presentation ended, my young charge turned to me and asked, “Were you thinking what I was thinking?” I wasn’t about to admit my guilt right there on the spot – especially since I highly doubted he was pondering my barrenness. “What’s that, Jason?” I asked. “About us, how you kind of father me – like on this trip.”

Out of the mouths of babes! How could I have been so blind as to not see the great gift of God that was before me? To mentor youth, to take an active role in their lives, to express love and care for them is to fulfill the plan God has for me. This is the gift I covet, and He has been giving it to me all along.

Epilogue

The other day, we were traveling to a workshop and Jason asked to make a side trip to pick something up from his girlfriend’s house. As I dutifully waited in the car (“so as not to embarrass him,” I thought), he brought her out to the car and introduced me – “This is Pastor Mohr, my second dad.” I almost cried. I thank God for all of the young men I have thought of as sons, that God has permitted me to shape and mold for a time. I thank God that He has fulfilled His plan of how I should father those He has sent into my life.

Do We Remain Silent?

Question submitted: Some members of our family gave birth to their children through IVF. Throughout their IVF journey there was grief, despair, and much sorrow both at the loss of several children/embryos as well as family members who did not necessarily approve of their decision to move forward with IVF. As IVF has become such a common practice, how can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant? In their view we just didn’t “get infertility” and we had children of our own so we truly didn’t understand their pain and suffering. Secondly, now that they have brought children into the world there is much joy and happiness throughout our entire family. But the one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity? I will tell you that during their IVF treatments there was so much unrest because some family members condoned their IVF treatments and others did not.

Dear friend, you have just given our readers a first-hand account of the heartache and conflict that IVF can bring to a family. And this is happening in Christian families everywhere, touching those who live the faster-paced lifestyles in the major cities as well as the “family values” farming communities in the Midwest. On our speaking tours, Katie and Kristi and I have talked to many women and other family members who, like you, are at a loss as to how to address this huge mess that has spilled out of a couple’s seemingly innocent desire to have a child. Lord, have mercy!

Your question has two main parts and I want to address them separately.

1. “How can Christians and Christian family members express their concern without being seen as unloving, uncaring and just plain ignorant?”

I know that it is often hard for fertile family members to reach out to their barren loved ones. But I think that in the case where IVF is being discussed it is absolutely vital for families, churches and pastors to pray for courage to address this with a couple. It is because you love them that you desire to steer them away from the temptation to fall into sin—namely the sin against the 5th Commandment where they would most certainly (not might, not could) be hurting or even killing their “neighbor” (the embryos/children that are discarded or frozen as a result). And it is your love for God that propels you to boldly share His Word about this kind of sin with the couple, believing that the Word is powerful and can change hearts. Approach your family members with the genuine compassion that you’ve expressed and confidently share with them these thoughts:

a. Some of our previous posts on IVF lay out what can happen during IVF and why Christians should abandon this option.

b. The various resources listed on this site (particularly Dr. Weise’s article and this Issues, Etc. show) are filled with wisdom, Scripture references, and more reasons not to engage in the procedure.

c. Scripture calls children a reward, a gift, intricately woven, formed and knitted together by our Heavenly Father (Psalm 127:3 and 139:15). When the vast majority of IVF procedures end in the freezing or killing off of unwanted children, then we are not viewing them as rewards, gifts, and specially created beings who were meant to be born, baptized, and raised in the Christian faith (Exodus 20:13).

d. Don’t let the fact that you are fertile prevent you from speaking the truth in love to your barren family. They need to realize that the pain of barrenness does not justify treating living human beings as IVF treats them.

2. “The one thing that continues to weigh heavy on my heart is the children/embryos that are currently frozen. Should we as Christian family members question when these children will be brought into the world or do we just remain silent now that there is finally family unity?”

Thank you for acknowledging the lives that still exist as a result of this couple’s actions. You are very aware that this couple has multiple children now, though most of them have not been born. Can there truly be family unity now when parts of the family are frozen and deserted? Since these children are your relatives, too, you see that they are not being cared for as they should and I think you have every right to bring this to the attention of the parents. Please do encourage and attempt to influence your family members to recognize that those tiny human embryos are really children who must be rescued. The couple made the conscious decision to conceive these children—which made them parents—and the Bible has much to say about the responsibility that comes with parenting:

a. We are to have compassion on our children, which results in loving them and caring for all their needs (Psalm 103:13, Matthew 7:11).

b. We are to teach our children about God’s Law, love, and promises (Deuteronomy 4:9 and 6:7, Psalm 78:4, Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4).

c. We are not to do anything that would keep our children from knowing Jesus or that would tempt them away from him (Matthew 18:5-7 and 19:14).

d. We are to have our children baptized (Matthew 28:19-20, Acts 16:30-33) after they have been born (John 3:3-5).

When parents allow their children to be frozen and to remain in this state they cannot carry out these responsibilities. The goal of your discussion with your family members is repentance, a change of mind. If they do indeed repent and as a result want to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8), then it would be good to help them to do so.

And here is where it gets really hard. There is no easy way to undo the wrong that has been done. The hard truth is that this couple is morally obligated to parent all these children that they have made, meaning they should plan to implant all of the frozen embryos. This would likely take several procedures to achieve, each costing several thousands of dollars, and in the process several lives will probably be lost. I wish there was an easier way but I do not know of any. IVF is such a tangled mess that it is extremely difficult and very costly to try to make amends. That is why we choose to address this topic so much on this blog. We seek not only to show love to children by promoting procreation the “traditional” way, but we seek to show love to the desperate couple who is contemplating this procedure. Our goal is to spare them and their family members from having to make the extreme sacrifices that are necessary in order to take full responsibility for all the children conceived in IVF. The amazing power of Christ’s forgiveness, applied to the repentant heart, repairs our broken relationship with God and renews our ability to stand before him as righteous, cleansed and cherished children. This is true family unity. But in this earthly life there are still consequences for sin and these are often a very heavy burden. If you find that your family members are ready to confess the mistakes of their past, embrace them with your love and Christ’s, and do what you can to help them bear what lies ahead as they attempt to care for all their children.

He Remembers the Barren

God remembers you in Jesus