Advent Anticipation

watching and waitingFor seven years my husband and I have been watching and waiting. We began the adoption process way back in 2006 and were hopeful that our family would grow by one in the year 2008. We slowly watched the monthly calendar page turn. Then we changed the calendar to a completely new year. We have grown weary with all of the waiting.

The Lord has granted a referral for a little girl in China. We were certain that 2012 would be the year for her to join our family. However, it will not be so. Instead, the Lord is having us wait even more.

Yes, more waiting. We have been waiting on government agencies to give their approval of this match. We have been waiting for social workers to sign the appropriate papers. We have been waiting for a lot of people to do whatever their title allows them to do. Waiting is tiring.

During that time, I have grumbled and complained and blamed God too many times to count. I have been on my knees, begging Him for a child. I have longed to be on my knees, looking eye-to-eye with our new daughter. I have also been on my knees in prayer, repenting of my self-righteousness. I have been on my knees, receiving the Lord’s Body and Blood for the forgiveness of my sins.

There is a little girl who will bring joy and tears and laughter into our home. While we suffer through the long hours and days and months (and even years), we pray that we might joyfully receive this little girl. The Lord’s timing is best, even though we don’t understand it. Thus, we watch the mail and anticipate the arrival of the next official document. We wait for our social worker to tell us that we can buy our plane tickets. With joy and anticipation, we pray for our little girl, who is half a world away.

Advent is a season of watching and waiting. Christians, too, can be filled with joyful anticipation. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will return. He will take us into His arms and take us home some day. Of that we can be certain. Until then, we wait.

“Different, Not Less”

Temple GrandinIn the movie Temple Grandin, Temple is a brilliant young woman, coping with the stigma of autism. She does so in a time when autism was misunderstood. However, Temple is blessed with a loving family, who support her efforts for higher education and understanding by the world around her. At one point in the movie, Temple’s mother wants to enroll her in a boarding high school. Some of the faculty members are apprehensive to accept her. Eventually, Temple’s mother tells one of the teachers that she wants people to know that her daughter is “different, not less.” That quote struck a chord with me.

I am different but not less than the mother whose womb has carried children multiple times. I am different but not less than the mother who takes her beloved brood with her to the grocery store. I am different but not less than the family who drives a 15-passenger van so that their family can ride together.

My world is different than yours but not less. Please don’t think of me as your “barren friend” only. Yes, my world is different than yours, but it is not less. The Lord does not look down on me because my womb is closed. He loves me. He does not treat me any differently than the rest of the world. I am condemned of all my sins, the same as my neighbor. In fact, God’s only Son Jesus died for me, just as He did for the sins of the entire world. I am forgiven of all of my sins, the same as my neighbor.

My name is Kristi Leckband, and I am barren. I am different, not less.

Open Sesame

MP900432756I’ve been noticing something.

Most Christians don’t doubt that God can open wombs. What they seem to doubt is that God also closes wombs or, at least, allows them to stay closed.

I know this full well, for I receive a lot of correspondence from people who think my present barrenness is a direct result of my wanting prayer life. They conclude I must not have enough faith that God can open my womb or He would have already.

That’s tough correspondence for me to receive, because, in fact, I do believe that God can open my womb. It’s just that I know He has not promised me in His Word that He will do so, and it is idolatry to put my hope and trust in that which God has not promised. Frankly, it is also exhausting. I grow weary of playing the part of belligerent, spoiled brat with my Father in heaven, stomping my feet, shaking my fists, and demanding from Him the children I think I’m owed in this life. God is not a vending machine (as my husband often says). He is my Creator, Savior, and Comforter. And, I think it is pertinent to point out that in spite of all of my huffing and puffing, God in His wisdom has still not given me a child.

I’d much rather live today in the sweet, confident expectation of what God has promised me in His Word: that He works all things, even my childlessness, for my good. That is the promise in which I put my faith. That is the good gift for which I pray: Lord, continue to give (and not give) me exactly what is best for me. Thy will be done. Amen

Has God closed my womb? I don’t know. Maybe. At the least, He is permitting my womb to be closed today. If I do get pregnant tomorrow, it will not be because I finally prayed the right prayer for the right amount of time with the right amount of faith. It will be because God decides to give me, His beloved child, a gift that I neither merit nor earn. It will be because that is what God in His omniscient wisdom decides is best for me.

You know what this means, right? Today, it is God’s best for me to be barren.

An Awkward Christmas Gift

I know, I know.

He Remembers the Barren is not exactly the kind of gift you want to wrap up and put under the tree for your loved one. Who wants to open a package and find this inside instead of something from Williams-Sonoma?

HRTB.Proof 1

I mean, did you see the cover? Talk about awkward when everyone else around the tree stops and asks your loved one, “Ooo, what did you get?”

And, let’s be honest, the book doesn’t exactly make a great stocking stuffer, either. It would go over like a detonated grenade amongst the dark chocolate, fuzzy socks, and iTunes gift cards.

Yet, I still think He Remembers the Barren  is a good gift worthy of giving, because the holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year for a barren woman. She can’t escape her grief when she is surrounded by children’s Christmas programs at church, family dinners galore, and greeting cards introducing everybody else’s newest editions to their families; she has to endure renditions of Connie Francis’s “Baby’s First Christmas” over the sound system whenever she goes shopping; she has to maintain her game face for an entire month’s worth of watching other people’s children enjoy the festivities and holiday traditions. It can be rough.

So, please consider giving your loved one He Remembers the Barren this season of Advent, but use some of your James Bond-esque stealth in the giving. Here are some suggested tactics (Q and M approved, of course):

  • Read the book yourself, so that you know what your loved one is going through and can better love her through her grief and suffering.
  • Give the book to your loved one’s parents, siblings, pastor, etc. for the same reasons.
  • Write a note to go with the book (i.e. “This book is not a label or a judgment. It is a great big hug from me to you. I read it, and it helped me know that God remembers me even when I suffer. I thought it might help you, too. I love you.”)
  • Give her the book in private and at a time when she does not need to be around people for awhile. You can mail it to her home, or you can hand it to her wrapped and tell her to wait until she is alone to open it.
  • If you two already have a history of openly discussing her barrenness, then give it to her in person when it is just the two of you. And tell her what she means to you.
  • Once you give it to her, don’t bring it up. Wait for her to talk about it or not talk about it.
  • Don’t be offended if she doesn’t read it for awhile. Depending on what phase of the grief cycle she is currently experiencing, she may want nothing to do with it at first. She might even be embarrassed or offended. Still, won’t it be nice that the book will be there for her when she is ready for it?

Thank you for caring enough for your loved one to do what is hard. She is blessed to have you in her life.

That Girl

Stressed BusinesswomanWe’ve all been that girl before. Thank you, Jen, for sharing your experiences with us, so that we know we are not alone.

Argggg! I was that girl today.

I was chosen as one of five employees at the hospital to start a green belt program, and I’ve been super giddy excited about the process. We five green belts met today with the program manager and an external consultant. We were learning about process mapping, and, as an example, the program manager decided we’d all map the process for getting our kids off to school.

Then, she said it.

“Everyone in here has kids, right? We all know how it goes.”

I wanted to crawl under the table when everyone nodded except for me. To make matters worse, the program manager innocently followed those statements with, “Oh, Jen, I thought you had a family.”

While everyone turned to look at me, I fought back tears. I smiled and replied that my husband is my family. The program manager stated something about how I could relate with taking care of my animals before work. (You know, cause it’s SO similar.) 

We had to discuss the process for getting kids ready for school for a full hour. I am just happy I survived and didn’t burst into tears until I made it to my car. I guess this is helping to give me thicker skin.

I plan to reread your book tonight. Thank you again for writing it. It’s a great comfort in times like this.

Jen, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I am so sorry for what you had to endure today, but I am also thankful for the gracious way you handled it. “Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do.” Amen.

You were chosen to be a green belt because of your many God-given gifts and talents. Don’t be afraid to hold your head up high in the next meeting. You are smart, kind, and gracious, and God IN HIS WISDOM has not yet made you a mother. It is just the way it is. There is nothing wrong with you, even though all of this hurts so much.

So, I will end this post by wishing you the proudest of congratulations, because that is what you deserve to hear. I think that team is pretty blessed to have you.

And Now A Few Words from A Sponsor

We interrupt your busy day with these words from your child’s sponsor…
some awesome kidsDear Parents of my godchildren,

I know that parenting is hard. You face short nights, piles of laundry, sinks full of dishes, homework to complete, musical instruments to practice, and much more. Even harder than that is the challenge of teaching your children the love of the Lord. The devil desperately desires to make you neglect the teaching of God’s Word to your child. He wants you to take the extra hours of sleep on Sunday morning and keep your children away from the Lord.sometimes happy, sometimes not

It brings me great joy to know that I am a sponsor/godparent to your precious child. I pray not only for your sons and daughters, but also for you. I was blessed recently to spend time with some of your precious lambs. I saw and heard them do different things:

* kneel at the rail of the Lord’s Supper to receive a blessing from the pastor

* confidently point her little finger at and say “cross”

* sweetly sing “God Loves Me Dearly” with all her heart

* fold her hands and answer a confident “Amen!” at the end of the prayer

* confess that Jesus gives good gifts when He gives babies to families

* announce that Jesus is born at Christmas

* recite the 10 Commandments without any help

the little one

These are the things that bring me joy. Actually, they bring me to tears. I know your children are being taught the fear and love of the Lord Jesus, their Savior. Well done, parents. It is my deep honor and privilege to pray daily for you and for your child. I will keep praying for your family. I will keep talking with your children about Jesus. I pray that they will always sing the praises of their Savior Jesus.boys and their toys

May God continue to bless you and your children, for God has graciously placed them into your homes and into my heart.

Love, Aunty Kristi

We now return you to your vocation of parenting.I love being a blond.

The Mirage

P1040661It’s hard to receive what you really want.

Truly, it is. The disappointment. The panic that comes upon realizing that gratification doesn’t necessarily equal satisfaction. The shame that floods the nervous system whenever the wanting continues past the receiving. If only I could have something else on top of what I’ve been given or – wretched me! – in place of what I’ve been given.

For example, I can count on my hands the times the chocolate cake actually tasted as good as I anticipated. Usually, within seconds of swallowing the last bite, I can’t even recall how it tasted.

How easily the quilt hanger – the one which I have been obsessing about, the one I have been itching to have my husband hang in our guest bedroom – how easily it fades from my mind once the task of hanging it is complete.

A few years ago, I was certain I needed the Rosetta Stone program to help refresh my waning German vocabulary, but I am embarrassed by how few times I have used it since the purchase. What felt so necessary before I owned it is now unnecessarily pushed aside for this and that. All of the urgency faded the moment the unavailable became available, the second the unreachable came within reach.

I suspect it would be the same with a child. Perhaps my disgusting, covetous heart would move on to some other intangible once I received the gift of an arrow in my quiver. I wonder if all of this agony I feel for that which I do not have is just another gymnastics trick of my senses, a symptom of my nature, an illusion of Satan.

I know a child is not the same as a quilt hanger, but still. The allusive glows and shimmers all the more because I do not and, seemingly, cannot have it.

Equitable Creatures?
Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” Genesis 1:26

I recently took a tour of a new fitness facility that just opened in our area. This place is the bees knees of Exercise-dom, with everything you can think of from a juice bar, spin classroom, group fitness area, basketball court, pool, sauna, and all manner of state of the art equipment.

The draw for me? The child care room.

So when I greeted my tour guide with toddler in tow, that’s immediately what I asked to see. She swiftly guided me to the Kid’s Club Zone, and upon further inspection, my son and I approved.   The tour continued throughout the complex where I Ooo’d and Aaah’d a bit, and basically waited to hear what a pretty penny this place would cost.

Finally, the guide turned sales rep on me and sat me down to go over the membership fees.  As I listened, my son squirmed and managed to wriggle away, but only within arm’s length beside me. Nevertheless, my attention was diverted. The sales rep sensed it and tried to endear herself.

“Not to worry, I’ve got my eye on him, too!”

“Okay, thank you,” I said.

The conversation carried on and was about to conclude when I turned around to see my son straying a little further off.

“Oh, they are quick, aren’t they?” She said. “You’ve just got one, I’ve got three . . .three four-legged children.”

I grinned…out of both politeness and surprise. What else could I do? She just equated her dogs to children. And she also seemed to place value on the numerical amount in relation to my only having one …child.

Now, I don’t begrudge this lady. She was trying to be nice and relatable while doing her job. Only, certain (sarcastically serious) things come to mind upon further reflection of this common worldview:

doug

1. I know! Just give a barren couple a dog! It’s the same, right?

2. Or three…they’ll certainly forget about their suffering …with more dogs.

3. Dogs are people, too. (Um, why do people say that about non-people?)

Anyway, apologies in advance to all you animal lovers out there. I have a dog. I like him fine. And I know that they can seem like children. (Especially the housebreaking and destroying things part.) But you hopefully get what I mean. Pets certainly can and do bring comfort and pleasure, but they are not people. Dominion over animals in Genesis 1:26 defines that they have a different value, both to us and to God.

And it is worth delving into a bit deeper for a minute. As so often articulated here, children are a gift from God. And while animals are certainly gifts for our use, too, Jesus did not die on the cross to save Fido from his sins.  Animals have not been inspired to be reconciled to God like we. Otherwise we’d see caribou, tigers and giraffe baptizing each other on safari. (“On the left we have the King of the Jungle immersing Simba into the family of God…”)  Oh boy, I’ve been watching too much Disney and Pixar.

But essentially that sales rep was viewing my son as such…as equitably as her pets. And that’s wrong.

So, go ahead. Go Dog Whisperer on your canine and put him on the treadmill. Train him to do all sorts of tricks. Snuggle and even pray that God keeps Fluffy healthy and safe. Just please, oh please, do not put animals on the same plane as humanity. Rest assured humans, and only humans have souls which are uniquely created in God’s image as creatures to be in communion with Him. And we are given a unique responsibility to carry out those distinctions in how we treat each of God’s creatures, human and animal separately.

But, heck, what do I know?  Who’d like to be so bold as to try to advise a barren or secondary infertile couple that a pet will be an equitable stand-in or replacement for a child (biological, foster, adoptive or otherwise)? Let me know how that goes!

In the meantime, you’ll find me working out (mommy-sans pet owner-stress) in the gym.

Second Annual Writing Contest

Christmas lightsDear Women, Men, Married, Single, Barren, and Blessed:

We’ve got another writing contest brewing.

Last year, we asked you to reflect on the topic “Advent and Barrenness.” This year, we would like you to submit posts on the topic “My Suffering Is a Blessing.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren as well as a surprise. (That’s right. A surprise.) The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post of 600 words or less in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 25th. The winner will be announced on Epiphany (January 6th).

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Sincerely,

Your HRTB Hosts