Secondary Infertility

A Season of Waiting and Preparing

By now, you’ve noticed all the of hustle and bustle that surrounds December. We’re all getting ready. People are making quick maneuvers to snag the coveted parking spot. The cashiers carry looks of weariness after scanning people’s purchases. People zip in and out of stores, hunting for the perfect gift. The toy aisles are especially crowded. Men and women pick up one toy, compare it to the next, and drop one into their carts. I wonder if the gifts are for their children, nieces, nephews, neighbors, or godchildren.

We’ve been in those aisles, too. What will excite my nieces and nephews? What will thrill our daughter Joanna this year? I get caught up in finding the right gift for adults, too. What would make my friend’s life easier? Will she like it?

I’ve also been preparing my home for Christmas. We put up our tree and decorated it. We have the red and green paper chains hanging above doorways. The baking has begun. The Christmas letter mulls around in my head.

One of my favorite things about preparing for Christmas, though, is putting out one special nativity set. A dear friend made it for Jerome and me as a wedding gift. It is lovingly handcrafted. I am reminded of God’s great love for me as I unwrap Mary; she is the handmaiden of the Lord. Watchful Joseph protects his family as best he can in meager surroundings. The manger is filled with hay. I don’t put Baby Jesus in it, though. He won’t be placed in the manger until Christmas Eve. That used to puzzle Joanna, but she has learned that Advent comes first.

Advent is a time of waiting and preparing. During Advent we recall our sins and how much we needed Jesus to become a man and live a perfect life for us. We use the weeks of Advent to confess our sins of coveting and hear the good news that we are forgiven of those wrongful desires. It is a time to clean out our hearts and make ready to receive the Christ-child.

I need Advent. My heart is full of sin. I covet other couples’ children. I covet the husband and wife who will be surrounded with children and grandchildren at their dinner table. I want to hang several stockings for little ones in my house. I’ve been waiting a long time to do that. Yes, the Lord has been gracious and given us Joanna, but I desire more. I’ve been waiting for another child to become part of our family. I feel I’ve been waiting long enough. These are the times when I forget that God gives me the things I need. I need a Savior – one who saves me from my wrongful thoughts and desires.

And so I continue to prepare for Christmas. I go to the Word, where I hear the words of John the Baptist. He says, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near.” In God’s Word, I hear and read that my sins are removed by the crucified and arisen Christ. I have Jesus.

Now I’m awaiting Jesus’ final coming when He will take me and all believers to Himself in heaven. In this earthly life, I am hoping and praying that God would end my wait for a larger family. While it may or may not happen, I don’t have to wait to find out if heaven is for me. Jesus has told me that He is there, and He is preparing a place for me. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Writing Contest

HeRemembersTheBarren.com is hosting a writing contest!

Tell us in 600 words or less about “Advent and Barrenness.” The winning post, chosen by our panel of hosts, will receive a free copy of He Remembers the Barren. The top three finalists will also see their posts featured on our website.

Simply compose your post in an email and send it to katie@katieschuermann.com by December 20th. The winner will be announced on Christmas Day.

Please be sure to include your name and shipping address in the email.

Throughout this Advent season, we remember that Jesus Christ, the Son of God and second person of the Trinity, took on flesh for our salvation. We look ahead to His second advent on the last day. O come, O come, Emmanuel!

Interview on “Family Shield”

Thank you to Family Shield Ministries and Kay Meyer for covering the topic of barrenness and He Remembers the Barren on the “Family Shield” radio program yesterday afternoon. I hope you’ll have a listen, too.

Click here for a direct link to the program’s MP3 file.

Or, if you would like to learn more about Family Shield Ministries, please click here.

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

I’ve asked myself that question time and time again. I seem to experience various stages of grief throughout the year. I never can tell when the feelings are going to surface. Different situations stir up hurt and anger and sadness. I see the new mom in the store, her baby sleeping peacefully in the car-seat. I see the teenage parents, holding their toddler’s hands. I read the birth announcements in the newspaper. These things all create a longing, a hunger for a child to grow inside me. And I wonder: When will the pain ever stop? When will I finally be “at peace” with my current station in life?

It’s really a control issue. I want to be in control of my life, and I want to direct what happens to it. I want to have another child, and it hasn’t happened yet. Then I realize the greediness and selfishness of my thoughts and confess my sin. God knows; He hasn’t abandoned me in my anger and sorrow and sin. He forgives me and washes that sin away. It’s gone. And I am content with all the blessings that are already mine.

Until I see the new parents in church with their little bundle of joy. And I want what they have. Yes, I get those feelings of anger towards God while in church. In church! Why hasn’t He given me more children? Children are gifts. Why haven’t I received more of His gifts?

Here’s the truth: I have received His gifts. I have received His name in Holy Baptism. I have received His very body and blood in the Lord’s Supper.

Why haven’t I received more children? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this: God knows me, and He knows what is best for me. He has already given me His best – His own Son Jesus – for ME. I have already received so many blessings!

So… will it ever stop hurting? I can’t answer that, but God knows my sorrow and hurt. His own Son hung on a cross and was abandoned by the entire world. God knows anger; His children have turned their backs on Him for years. And still He loves me. He knows my grief and my sorrows. He loves me despite my anger towards Him. He knows that I hurt, and He’s right there beside me. He knows me, and that brings some comfort to my hurting soul.

How Long, O Lord?

Do you remember, when as a child, you kept waiting for Christmas to come? Perhaps you counted down to the last day of school. You counted every day and knew when the last bell would ring, welcoming the start of summer break. Sometimes the wait seemed extremely lengthy, but you knew there was an end in sight. When couples discover they are going to have a baby, the countdown calendar is on.

It sure would be nice if the adoption process worked that way, too. The sad truth is that it doesn’t. When you pursue the adoption path, you are getting on a long ride. You have no idea if the wait will be short or long. You have no idea whether or not you will ever receive a child. Thus, you wait. And you wait. And you wait some more.

The same is true of the married couple wanting to have a baby. There is no guarantee of a baby. However, they wait and hope and pray.

What’s a person to do during this exceedingly long stage? Do I wallow in self-pity? Do I become angry at the girls who have babies all the time and don’t even want them? Do I lock myself away from all new moms? Do I wonder when I will get to have something good happen to me?

The long wait (since January 2006) has helped me to see God provides all good things to me ALREADY. I have been born into a Christian family that knew that I needed my sinful thoughts removed in the gift of holy baptism. I am married to a loving husband, who carries the load of barrenness with me. I have been blessed with friends who walk this difficult road and share tears with me. When God made me His child, He gave me abundant blessings right then and there. I didn’t have to mark the days off on a calendar, waiting for God’s blessings to come to me. I received them at my baptism.

God has created the world and all within it. He cares for the sparrow and knows the very hairs on our heads. He knows all things about me, and loves me anyway! He cares for me, and He cares for you, my dear friend in Christ. He loves you!

And so I can talk about barrenness and not feel like I’m less of a person than the unwed teenage mom or the family that already has their quiver full and another one the way. God has given me so many good things. On my knees, with tears in my eyes, I realized that God has taken care of me in multiple ways. Whether or not I am able to mother another child – that doesn’t matter. I am valuable in God’s eyes. If God should see fit to grow my family, then I am blessed even more abundantly. If God deigns that my family is complete in its current form, then I am blessed abundantly. I have God’s goodness ALREADY.

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family. The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family. My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption. Thus began the flood of questions: Domestic or international? How do we find a Christian, reputable agency? How expensive is the process? Do we have a gender preference? Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt? What about special needs children? How long will this take? Will an adoption actually happen for us? How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents? Is this the right decision? Are we giving up on biological children too quickly? Is there something else we should consider first? Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more. We prayed and talked a lot. It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us. Some of my thoughts went like this: To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children. I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child. I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation. If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path. In hindsight, that was so misguided. I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children. God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions. It’s very natural to have questions. And doubts. Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you. He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing. God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death. If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry. And so we can take that hurt to Him. He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did. We prayed and prayed. My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision. If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt. After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork. Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork. We still question our decision to adopt. We wonder if we should be doing something else. Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs. He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens. He has blessed me with a wonderful church family. I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one. For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process. May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow. For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations. God loves you always. And you never have to question that.

Room for More

Eight years ago Jerome and I were blessed with the birth of our daughter Joanna. What a time of joy that was! We had already waited several years for her to arrive, so we were bursting at the seams with smiles. This was the first grandchild on my side of the family, and I was filled with joy to begin the next generation. We watched our daughter grow and change on a daily basis, as well as nurtured her faith with hymns and prayers. I relished (and still do) being a parent, despite the lows that mixed with the highs.

Fast-forward a couple of years. We were ready to expand our family once again. After several unsuccessful months without conception, we talked with our doctor. He ordered tests and determined nothing out of the ordinary. We used some medications but to no avail. Finally, we were faced with the prospect of IVF or many tests and dollars towards other methods. At the time, this seemed the end of the road. My heart and home were ready for more children!

We went home and prayed. What would the Lord have us do? IVF was not an option for us, and we didn’t want to endure tests and needle-pokes and the like. It didn’t seem that we would conceive naturally. I can still clearly recall my doctor telling me that all of the infertility tests and such would be a thing of the past once my house was full of children. Really? How could he make that claim? Yet I believed him.

There are some things that I KNOW for certain… I am a sinner. I am by no means perfect. My body is not perfect. I know that I believe in the Triune God, who loves me DESPITE all of my imperfections. I know that God has only good planned for me. I know that He grants me only good things. I know that my heart has a great capacity to love, especially to love children.

Yes, my heart has room for more children. I so dearly desire more children in my family. I want the big table with family gathered around for holidays. I want to see my yard full of children playing games together. I want to take family vacations with my children and make memories. I want to have children sit on my lap while I read stories to them. I want more children.

But it hasn’t happened. I have been blessed instead with nieces and nephews to love. I am godparent to eleven beautiful children. I am privileged to teach Sunday School and to direct the children’s choir in my church. I get the opportunity to read stories on a monthly basis to children at our local library. My heart has so much room to love these children. No, they’re not biological or adopted. That doesn’t matter. God has placed these children in my life. My heart has room to love them, and so I do. The Lord has given my heart room for so many children, and so I love them.

My husband and I pray for more children to be part of our immediate family. We pray that God answers our prayer favorably. No matter how He answers, though, I know that I am dearly loved by God. He has made me part of His family, and He loves me dearly.