Author: Kristi

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

I’ve asked myself that question time and time again. I seem to experience various stages of grief throughout the year. I never can tell when the feelings are going to surface.  Different situations stir up hurt and anger and sadness. I see the new mom in the store, her baby sleeping peacefully in the car-seat. I see the teenage parents, holding their toddler’s hands. I read the birth announcements in the newspaper. These things all create a longing, a hunger for a child to grow inside me.  And I wonder: When will the pain ever stop?  When will I finally be “at peace” with my current station in life?

It’s really a control issue.  I want to be in control of my life, and I want to direct what happens to it.  I want to have another child, and it hasn’t happened yet.  Then I realize the greediness and selfishness of my thoughts and confess my sin.  God knows; He hasn’t abandoned me in my anger and sorrow and sin.  He forgives me and washes that sin away.  It’s gone.  And I am content with all the blessings that are already mine.

Until I see the new parents in church with their little bundle of joy.  And I want what they have.  Yes, I get those feelings of anger towards God while in church.  In church!  Why hasn’t He given me more children?  Children are gifts.  Why haven’t I received more of His gifts?

Here’s the truth:  I have received His gifts.  I have received His name in Holy Baptism.  I have received His very body and blood in the Lord’s Supper.

Why haven’t I received more children?  I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know this:  God knows me, and He knows what is best for me.  He has already given me His best – His own Son Jesus – for ME.  I have already received so many blessings!

So… will it ever stop hurting?  I can’t answer that, but God knows my sorrow and hurt.  His own Son hung on a cross and was abandoned by the entire world.  God knows anger; His children have turned their backs on Him for years.  And still He loves me.  He knows my grief and my sorrows.  He loves me despite my anger towards Him.  He knows that I hurt, and He’s right there beside me.  He knows me, and that brings some comfort to my hurting soul.

God’s Gift of a Spouse

In 1998, Jerome and I were married.  The Lord has blessed us greatly during the past 13 years.  We have both found suitable employment, jobs that bring us joy.  Our parents have lived within a day’s driving distance.  We’ve been able to see our families throughout the year, and there is much joy and laughter.  My husband and I have enjoyed good health; we are grateful for the Lord’s mercy in our lives.

One of the greatest blessings has been the birth of our daughter Joanna.  She is God’s gift to us, and we thank God every day for her.  Before Joanna was born, we struggled to become pregnant.  There were days of doctors’ appointments, times of waiting for test results, and numerous prayers.  I am so thankful that the Lord did not intend for me to go through this time of uncertainty alone.  There were days when I needed a shoulder upon which to cry, and Jerome was there.  There were unanswered questions, and Jerome wondered the same thing.  I was angry, and Jerome provided a listening ear.  We could lean on each other, and we did.  Hearts were opened up and poured out to each other.  My burdens became his burdens, and his became mine.  We didn’t know the Lord’s plan for our lives, and so we could do nothing but trust in His promises to provide only good things for us.  And He already had.  He had given us Himself in Holy Baptism and the Lord’s Supper.  In time, He also gave our daughter Joanna to us.

It was not through any of our good merits that the Lord provided, though.  This was His complete mercy to us.  There is nothing in me  that could have pushed the Lord to grant our wishes.  I was  conceived in sin and born sinful.  The only good that lies in me (or my husband) has come from Jesus Christ.  He has taken all of my sins and washed me clean. I now stand pure before God.

I am, however, a sinful person.  I can hear you saying, “Didn’t she just say that she is now pure?”  And you’re right.  I am pure, and I am still sinful.  I don’t know if Jerome and I will ever be parents to a second child.  I don’t know if Joanna will ever get to be a big sister.  You see, God doesn’t OWE me anything.  I’m still a sinner, in need of God’s grace and mercy.  I could pray all day, every day, and God still wouldn’t have to provide another child to my family.  I pray that God would bless us with another child, but I have no guarantee of that.

And so, I thank God for what He has already given to me.  I have His name marked on my forehead and my heart.  I have the doors of heaven open to me upon my death.  I have been given a loving husband.  God has blessed my marriage to Jerome, and I am so thankful.  The Lord has granted me a companion for life, and I am blessed.

Not everyone has received the gift of a spouse.  That does not mean God thinks any less of them, just as He doesn’t think any less of women who are barren.  It does not provide comfort to say, “Oh, the right person is out there for you yet.”  Are you really sure about that?  Do you know God’s mind?  It is better to rejoice with our single friends in the blessings God has already bestowed upon them.

God provides abundant blessings to all of His children, whether single or married.  God gives good gifts, and ONLY good gifts.

How Long, O Lord?

Do you remember, when as a child, you kept waiting for Christmas to come?  Perhaps you counted down to the last day of school.  You counted every day and knew when the last bell would ring, welcoming the start of summer break.  Sometimes the wait seemed extremely lengthy, but you knew there was an end in sight.  When couples discover they are going to have a baby, the countdown calendar is on.

It sure would be nice if the adoption process worked that way, too.  The sad truth is that it doesn’t.  When you pursue the adoption path, you are getting on a long ride.  You have no idea if the wait will be short or long.  You have no idea whether or not you will ever receive a child.  Thus, you wait.  And you wait.  And you wait some more.

The same is true of the married couple wanting to have a baby.  There is no guarantee of a baby.  However, they wait and hope and pray.

What’s a person to do during this exceedingly long stage?  Do I wallow in self-pity?  Do I become angry at the girls who have babies all the time and don’t even want them?  Do I lock myself away from all new moms?  Do I wonder when I will get to have something good happen to me? 

The long wait (since January 2006) has helped me to see God provides all good things to me ALREADY.  I have been born into a Christian family that knew that I needed my sinful thoughts removed in the gift of holy baptism.  I am married to a loving husband, who carries the load of barrenness with me.  I have been blessed with friends who walk this difficult road and share tears with me.  When God made me His child, He gave me abundant blessings right then and there.  I didn’t have to mark the days off on a calendar, waiting for God’s blessings to come to me.  I received them at my baptism.

God has created the world and all within it.  He cares for the sparrow and knows the very hairs on our heads.  He knows all things about me, and loves me anyway!  He cares for me, and He cares for you, my dear friend in Christ.  He loves you!

And so I can talk about barrenness and not feel like I’m less of a person than the unwed teenage mom or the family that already has their quiver full and another one the way.  God has given me so many good things.  On my knees, with tears in my eyes, I realized that God has taken care of me in multiple ways.  Whether or not I am able to mother another child – that doesn’t matter.  I am valuable in God’s eyes. If God should see fit to grow my family, then I am blessed even more abundantly.  If God deigns that my family is complete in its current form, then I am blessed abundantly.  I have God’s goodness ALREADY.

Are We Ready to Adopt?

After months of prayer, doctors’ appointments, tests, and unanswered questions, it was time to ask if adoption might be the next route to grow our family.  The Lord had blessed us with the birth of our daughter, and we were ready to add another child to our family.  My husband and I felt we had exhausted all medical options that were appropriate, so we started looking at adoption.  Thus began the flood of questions:  Domestic or international?  How do we find a Christian, reputable agency?  How expensive is the process?  Do we have a gender preference?  Is there an age limit for a child that we’re willing to adopt?  What about special needs children?  How long will this take?  Will an adoption actually happen for us?  How do we feel about birth parents and grandparents?  Is this the right decision?  Are we giving up on biological children too quickly?  Is there something else we should consider first?  Are we both SURE this is what we want to do?

We experienced all of those questions and more.  We prayed and talked a lot.  It took some time to decide if adoption was right for us.  Some of my thoughts went like this:  To take a step towards adoption is to take a step away from having biological children.   I felt like adopting would close the door on God’s ability to provide us with another biological child.  I didn’t want to do that, but I also thought I could take control of the situation.  If God wasn’t going to do His thing, then I’d go ahead and forge my own path.  In hindsight, that was so misguided.  I didn’t have to give up my hope for more biological children.  God, in His grace, could still grant to us a biological child, if it was part of His plan.

It’s okay to have questions.  It’s very natural to have questions.  And doubts.  Fear not, dear friend, the Lord your God is with you.  He knows the hurt and agony you are experiencing.  God the Father gave His only Son Jesus into death.  If He experienced that much pain and suffering, He certainly knows the hurt and pain that we carry.  And so we can take that hurt to Him.  He loves us and wants us to talk to Him in prayer.

That’s what we did.  We prayed and prayed.  My husband and I both needed to be on board with the decision.  If we weren’t in agreement, then we weren’t ready to adopt.  After months of prayer and questions, we began the adoption paperwork.  Five years later, we’re still doing paperwork.  We still question our decision to adopt.  We wonder if we should be doing something else.  Throughout all of the questions, though, we are assured that God loves us and cares for our needs.  He has given me a spouse who shares my burdens.  He has blessed me with a wonderful church family.  I have friends who lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to my sorrows.

The decision to adopt is a big one.  For those who choose to adopt, be prepared mentally for a long process.  May God grant you the courage and patience for all that awaits you in the days to follow.  For those who choose not to adopt, may God continue to grant His grace to you in your given vocations.  God loves you always.  And you never have to question that.

More Paperwork

When our daughter Joanna was 2 years old, we hoped to become pregnant again. After several unsuccessful months, our doctor had no clear answer for not being pregnant. Jerome and I discussed and prayed over our options for growing a family. We knew several friends who had successfully adopted children internationally, so we decided to go that route.

In 2006, we began the long road to China. We still haven’t been there. We’ve done the homestudy, plus all of the yearly updates. We’ve done fingerprinting on the state level and the national level. (Yes, we’ve been inside Homeland Security.) We’ve visited our doctors, written down our parenting philosophy, and paid some money along the way.

This week I received the paperwork for doing our yearly homestudy update. I could fill out the paperwork in my sleep. I could get really frustrated, and sometimes I do. However, I’m not going to give up on this adoption possibility. I am hoping and praying that God allowed Jerome and me to get into this line to bring home a beautiful child to our family. I hope and pray that we are able to fulfill our roles as parents to Joanna properly, as well as care for more children.

It’s easy to become disappointed, frustrated, and depressed while waiting. There seems to be a lot of paperwork done, and we’ve yet to see any sort of progress. I’ve had some really low days, but that is the time when I’ve been on my knees in prayer as well. I know that our Heavenly Father looks out for me, and by His grace, He has blessed me with a faithful spouse and a baptized daughter. I did NOTHING to deserve any of those things. They are all gifts.

And so I continue to fill out the paperwork. I thank the Lord for each day to live in His grace. I pray that the child that He has chosen for us will come soon. In the meantime, I pray for this child as I fill out the adoption papers.

Room for More

Eight years ago Jerome and I were blessed with the birth of our daughter Joanna. What a time of joy that was! We had already waited several years for her to arrive, so we were bursting at the seams with smiles.  This was the first grandchild on my side of the family, and I was filled with joy to begin the next generation.  We watched our daughter grow and change on a daily basis, as well as nurtured her faith with hymns and prayers.  I relished (and still do) being a parent, despite the lows that mixed with the highs.

Fast-forward a couple of years.  We were ready to expand our family once again.  After several unsuccessful months without conception, we talked with our doctor.  He ordered tests and determined nothing out of the ordinary.  We used some medications but to no avail.  Finally, we were faced with the prospect of IVF or many tests and dollars towards other methods.  At the time, this seemed the end of the road.  My heart and home were ready for more children!

We went home and prayed.  What would the Lord have us do?  IVF was not an option for us, and we didn’t want to endure tests and needle-pokes and the like.  It didn’t seem that we would conceive naturally. I can still clearly recall my doctor telling me that all of the infertility tests and such would be a thing of the past once my house was full of children.  Really?  How could he make that claim?  Yet I believed him.

There are some things that I KNOW for certain…  I am a sinner.  I am by no means perfect.  My body is not perfect.  I know that I believe in the Triune God, who loves me DESPITE all of my imperfections.  I know that God has only good planned for me.  I know that He grants me only good things.  I know that my heart has a great capacity to love, especially to love children.

Yes, my heart has room for more children.  I so dearly desire more children in my family.  I want the big table with family gathered around for holidays.  I want to see my yard full of children playing games together.  I want to take family vacations with my children and make memories.  I want to have children sit on my lap while I read stories to them.  I want more children.

But it hasn’t happened.  I have been blessed instead with nieces and nephews to love.  I am godparent to eleven beautiful children.  I am privileged to teach Sunday School and to direct the children’s choir in my church.  I get the opportunity to read stories on a monthly basis to children at our local library.  My heart has so much room to love these children.  No, they’re not biological or adopted.  That doesn’t matter.  God has placed these children in my life.  My heart has room to love them, and so I do.  The Lord has given my heart room for so many children, and so I love them.

My husband and I pray for more children to be part of our immediate family.  We pray that God answers our prayer favorably.  No matter how He answers, though, I know that I am dearly loved by God.  He has made me part of His family, and He loves me dearly.

Is It Just Me?

That’s what I wondered when my tears kept flowing. I was ready for another child, and nothing was happening. I had checkups with my doctor, did the tests, ate the right foods, marked the calendar faithfully – and still nothing. I was angry, sorrowful, and confused. I felt alone in my grief. My husband and I wanted another child, but there was none. I felt like crying all the time.

Why isn’t my husband crying, too? Is it just me?  Doesn’t he care? The obvious answer was yes, but I was so overwhelmed with my own emotions that i didn’t see it. He was grieving as well. Yet I was angry that he wasn’t displaying more emotion over the situation.

Finally, my tears dried enough to tell him that I was sad, angry, confused, bitter. Praise God for a husband who cares! As I shared my myriad of emotions, he listened patiently and held me. It was then that I remembered that I do not walk this road alone. He shared his concerns and fears and sorrows, too. We cried together.

And then – we prayed. We took our concerns to the Lord. He already knew our needs and sorrows, and yet we told Him anyway. We prayed for peace, that God would grant us another baby while we waited. We prayed for other couples who were struggling with infertility. We thanked the Lord for the child we already had. We prayed that the Lord’s will would be done, and that we might know and do His will.

Is it just me? No, never. Jesus Christ knows my sorrows, and He will always be there right beside me.